It's a Process
What has happened since my last public entry in October 2008?
This is complicated. I've been writing about 40,000 words a month in my private journal. I do it to help me keep track of things and also to continually process. I'm trying to figure out what I could take from those documents that would have meaning for other people. I'm not quite sure what to say.
I will say that the A Healing Journey page has been modified by me on a regular basis to reflect new understandings. One of these understandings is that this place of "enlightenment" that I have talked about, while wonderful when achieved, is not a place I have been able stay in. I have had glimpses of this place over the past several months, but nothing approaching what happened in me in September 2008. I'm okay with that. I still consider what I achieved to be a touchstone. If I work hard, I believe I can achieve similar states of awareness and understanding and peace. Or maybe it's that I don't need to work hard... because I think I wrote that in that place you let go of thoughts. I cannot quite understand that way of thinking right now.
Mostly what I have done over these past several months is work on coming to terms with (which means accepting) how my childhood abuse has injured me. I had always minimized its impact. Minimizing does help to keep one "functional", but doesn't allow for much healing. Minimizing means you don't deal with a lot of feelings. So, I've done a lot of healing. And with that healing, I have been feeling a lot of pain.
That healing pain tends to make one ungrounded. So, achieving these "enlightened" states has been most difficult to say the least. I have not abandoned the statements made on this website, however. This is why I have called these "enlightened" states touchstones. They are what keep me going.
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Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
I am not special because I am a multiple, I am a multiple because I am special. Not more or less special than anyone else any more than I will be more special when my journey is without therapy than I was before or during therapy.
I found The Gypsy Dancer who could be there when I discovered some of what I already knew.
I did not come to understand that I was a multiple; I discovered that everyone else was not.
I do not see the splitting off of personalities, I see a non-integration of the part, the parts then developing without benefit of my whole experience. Which left a feeling of incompleteness. Every attempt at completeness, and they were numerous, was a step towards completeness, which I have not nor expect to reach. If I ever do than I will have and that will be that.
I do not integrate on or with purpose. It is the result of processing the trauma much in the same way the non integration was a result of the trauma.
Telling my rational mind to get our of the way is not helpful. Once my rational mind experienced being out of the way then my rational mind accepted.
My rational mind is only not good at doing things that are not rational.
The reason I am not doing as you think I should is likely not because I am unable.
I had alters and hosts that were not multiple.
I know more about singletons than singletons know about multiples.
If what I experience now as sleep is sleep than I had not experienced sleep.
Remembering a trauma was not the same as processing it, rather the start.
What is not a process?
I don't know, Paul. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or anything, but your 'enlightenment' sounds an awful lot like dissociation to me. Sure, if we call it something else and meditate and dress it up in spiritual clothing, then it becomes something unenlightened mental health professionals (especially the unhealed 'spiritual' ones) would approve of, but it's still dissociation no matter the label. Maybe you should be glad you can't hold on to it. That might be a good sign.
You absolutely don't have to worry about hurting my feelings. But thank you for thinking of them! I understand this point of view. I do know that the two are intertwined. I wrote that dissociation was a primer for the "enlightenment" experiences. But this is where we cross the line between sickness and health. It's not terribly unlike the experiences you can feel after doing some amazing yoga. So, you have to ask if when dissociated people do yoga and feel good and whole and connected and grounded, what do you call that? I think humans are capable of a lot and those of us who dissociate greatly are capable of even more. I'll send you an email in case you don't check the comment thread.