The Rally Cry
I have been in trouble for a while now. The past couple of weeks have been quite difficult. I am at a point now in my healing where I have much more awareness and control of my internal parts and my life. When I start to lose that awareness and control, this is destabilizing for me. I have kept myself safe, but it's been rather dicey.
I won't bore you with the details, but I had planned to get admitted to the hospital today. I figured this was getting a bit out of control and I needed help. This is also the day before a big trip to another part of the country to my wife's family with her and my two young daughters. Given what's been happening, the difficulty I've had pushing through, and the increasing suicidal thoughts I've been having, I made the decision that it was safest for me to go into the hospital. Truth be told, I waffled on that decision a bit. But in the end I made it. All the arrangements were made. I had packed and was ready to go right after my kids got home from school and I told them. My wife was incredibly unhappy with me, which is putting it mildly. She can't understand. But I'll talk about spouses in another post.
I don't want this blog to become my private journal, but the reason I am writing this is that I did want to share something you may identify with.
When my kids got off the bus and met me at the front porch, I told them I was going to the hospital and not on our plane trip. My oldest daughter was completely devastated. For weeks I had been having immense trouble pulling myself together, the switching was getting out of control, and my safety was becoming difficult to maintain. I had a little rally this past weekend (on another little one night trip), but I didn't think I could pull it together for a big trip to another state for five days.
So my 10 year old daughter pleaded with me. Tears were streaming down her face. I kept telling her I had to go to the hospital. That I didn't feel well and I had to do this. This went on for a long five minutes. But I was firm. We ended our conversation and she went inside.
I sat there for a few minutes. Just sat there. Then suddenly there was a "rally cry". Everyone inside came together and agreed we could go on the trip. I asked inside. I wanted to make sure. At that moment, the decision was reversed.
My therapist keeps telling me about how when you are on an airplane, they teach you that in case of emergency you have to put the oxygen mask on you first before you put it on your children. I understand that. I really do.
But there are times in life when it doesn't quite work that way. Sometimes you really can find the strength inside and do "it" for your children. And that's what happened today.
I'm not expecting my trip tomorrow to cure anything. I still have my bags packed for the hospital. I'm prepared that when we come back I may need to go in. But I will have done this for my children. And, right now, that means more to me than anything.
14 Comments
Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
We understand this blog so much. Thanks for writing it.
Hi Paul. Just wanted to thank you for this blog! It helps so much to know we are not alone in this. Also, just wanted you to know that we had a similar thing happen to us as you describe happened to you at the end of 2008. We were so thrilled when we discovered this blog and read of your experience as we have not found anyone else dealing with DID and awakening at the same time.
Hope the trip goes well for you!
Namaste
Thank you! I am glad to find someone who had this similar experience of awakening or enlightenment or whatever you want to call it. If you are okay with it, we can chat offline.
Hi Paul,
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
Hi Paul
I hope the trip went (is going) well. Please be as gentle as you can on your collective selves.
If you get a chance, can you let us know how you are doing?
Take care and sending positive thoughts...
Sophie
...sounds like a really good idea to me! (us?)
I hope your vacation is relaxing. Hang in there.
Paul, do you ever have any success with asking your parts to go "on hold" temporarily? I've had some similar situations where I absolutely had to be able to function, for whatever reason, and I tried repeatedly letting everyone know that I'd allow them to come out and act out and do whatever they needed to do, if they'd allow me, in exchange, to retain functionality for however long it was ... a few days, or a few hours. I guess it was a form of privilege bargaining, for lack of a better term. Anyway, I thought I'd throw it out there just in case.
Take care, and come home safely.
Yes, David, I'm getting better at this. It's not something I'm used to. But I do understand the concept. I do a lot of bartering. I say, "You can do this, if you allow me to do this." Things like that. But I did do this on the trip. But now we are back as of an hour ago. I feel good, but I am mindful that there may be a collapse and I'm concerned about that. Let's put it this way: I still have my bags packed for the hospital and will take them with me to therapy tomorrow just in case.
I know about the inner rally cry. I call it 'the push'. I hope you're doing alright.
I thank you all for your comments and concern. I've had people email me and call me and you folks here have asked. I really appreciate it. I have to say that I've been relatively okay during the day, but the nights are completely horrible. I try to relax myself. But there's some switch or something and I realize that I am not the same person really. I don't understand it. The pain, panic, urges to act out are all there and this is driving me nuts. Last night I medicated myself and when that finally kicked in, I ended up sleeping today until 11 and was groggy until late in the day. So, that didn't work out so well. I don't have a good solution for this. Clearly something is happening inside and I think it has to do with what was happening before we came on this trip. The core issues, whatever they really are, just get put away and come out at night. So, I am not a happy camper. And that's putting it mildly.
Just by way of update, I did get back from our trip and I'm okay. And again I want to thank everyone for their support.
So glad to hear that you're back Paul. Please do whatever is needed to keep everyone as safe as possible.
Sending positive thoughts...
Take care
Sophie
I like how you expressed this here in the post. I do the same thing at times and it works...then it doesn't. I feel that lately, since I've had to stay strong for my children and do it all alone (without a spouse, but with a strong support system of outside family!), it has been happening even more.
I hope to be able to blog about it in more detail soon. It has taken months for me to process it, and months to get comfortable enough in my "outside" world to go back "inside" and balance things out, but I'm getting there.
I have found structure in my life makes me less unstable and in need of this "rally cry". I have become a bit OCD about stability but can't that be a positive thing?