To Lie
When I was a kid, I always would lie
If I didn't, I probably would have died.
Didn't know I had, for I tricked even me
Until I learned I was a broken mess of debris.
There were so many levels of deception inside
And all I became was a Jekyll and Hyde.
I worked to build a life from this mess
And, largely, I've met with a lot of success.
But lately the parts have gained more control
I feel like I'm getting a lot less whole.
"Who am I?" is a question I often do ask
And largely I feel like I'm just putting on a mask.
I don't know what's real, yet sometimes I do
So often I just say "I'll bid you adieu!"
I think that I'm driving, but really I'm not
It feels like I'm creating some giant fake plot.
Now I'm confronted with the truth of the lies
I now know that they portend my complete demise.
I struggle to be real, but what comes of it?
As I "get better", it just means that I split.
5 Comments
Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
Wow. Thank you for sharing this.
No matter what, it is obvious that you are an exceptional person working on healing.
Kate
Thanks Kate. But I certainly don't consider myself exceptional. Especially when I can glaringly see my deficiencies.
This is stunning and moving. Thank you for sharing it.
It can be easy to see our own deficiencies, it can be harder to see our strengths. Sometimes we need those around us to point those strengths out.
Take care...
I agree. If it wasn't for the positive opinions of other survivors of me and their willingness to tell me and support me, I would not be half as healed as I am.
I think we count our weaknessnesses ten times as much as they actually are and our strenghts ten times lesser than than they are. We end up with an unbalanced, inaccurate view.
Kate
We have all had to lie to survive, it's how they kept us from telling the truth was to tell lies, stupid hey?