Michael Jackson
I debated whether I should post about Michael Jackson's death. After he died, I immediately recalled the scandal in 1993 where he was accused of abuse and his interview with Oprah where he accused his father of abuse. I remembered the difficulty I had during this time.
A few days ago I wrote in my private journal the following:
I cannot remember exactly what I felt back then, but I am sure it wasn't very good. I do have a snapshot of watching it on television. It's interesting that the early 90s case involved having boys sleep in his bed. This, after all, was the same thing that Fr. C. admitted to with me which was his first act of harm towards me. I think in many ways Fr. C. and Jackson were similar. I don't have any statistics to draw on to know if this is common among pedophiles, but they were both very immature. I think you have to be to try to find love through young boys. Maybe in their minds what they were doing was not abuse. I rather think Fr. C. started out like that but then it got out of control for him. Fr. C. would talk about love, but then get really angry and was incredibly brazen about his acts towards me (semi-public, public, etc) which got worse and worse with time. I'm not sure if that was the case for Jackson. And I don't really care. In any case, I don't have any admiration for Jackson. Never did. I hated his pop music. I never understood why others did.
Despite my dislike of his music except for Mowtown, Jackson is undeniably a giant of the industry. He was also, equally undeniably, very disturbed. That is no excuse for engaging in child abuse, whether he believed it was abuse or not. He frequently had little understanding of his actions with children. He was quoted as saying: "I have slept in a bed with many children... Why should that be worrying? What's the criminal? Who's Jack the Ripper in the room?" For reference see Why I Sleep with Little Boys, by Michael Jackson.
When looking back on his life, we perhaps should take into consideration that his life was radically different from almost every other. He performed professionally since the age of 9. He changed the face of music in the 80s. Like many child stars, he was ill-equipped to manage his life.
Just as I don't doubt any survivors I have met concerning their abuse, I cannot doubt what Jackson has said about his father. But, he is no survivor in my mind. Survivor is one of the few terms I use regularly and with pride. For me, it means that not only have you lived through atrocities, you have ended the cycle of abuse. Michael Jackson, by his own actions and statements, did not end that cycle. We may never know, but this is what ultimately may have ended his life.
Michael Jackson never accused his father of sexual abuse which is central to your post. He accused him of physical and emotional abuse.
Cycle of abuse; Most of us that were sexually abused do not experience a cycle of abuse, we do not sexually abuse nor do we have to fight impulses. This is a very bigoted view that is perpetrated by sexual abusers who use their experience as an excuse and perhaps by those that have urges which most of us do not.
"Most that are sexually abused do not sexually abuse."
Flat out it pisses me off when people who abuse or fight the urge to abuse state I am anything like them just because I was abused. It is disrespectful to me and the majority of those of us that were abused and are not like our abusers.
If you have to fight the urge to sexually abuse it is your problem don't attach it to me or others that do not have the problem.
Michael, I believe I chose my words carefully. I'm aware that he didn't accuse his father of sexual abuse and, yes, of course that makes a difference. I'm sorry if you felt what I wrote was an attack on you and your healing. Ending the cycle of abuse is broadly defined (and narrowly defined). Taken literally it can mean I think what you believe I meant. Taken broadly it can mean creating an environment which is healthy and healing and nurturing. It can also mean fighting to end self-abuse. I have talked before about the prevalence of abuse histories among prison inmates. The cycle of abuse is clearly an issue. The fact that "most that are sexually abused do not sexually abuse" is nice, but I'm not talking about most. There are some who do.
I have had a very hard time with all the publicity around him, since his death. I have heard from other , as well, that it is hard to accept all the celebrity that is poured on him.
Sunday morning I went to my parents house for brunch. Over the meal, the subject of MJ came up. I said that it made me sick to see him on TV, just thinking about the kids he was involved with.
My father (my abuser) commented that "those kids got a lot of money."
This enraged me, but I kept that to myself, for the most part. I said. "Money doesn't make any difference." I looked right at him when I said it. Then I said, "Molesting a child changes them forever."
I have never confronted my father. I was very little when he molested me, and I assume he thought I was too young to remember. When I recounted this MJ story to my therapist, she said that it was like telling him I remembered without actually telling him. For once, he is the one who is off-balance and wondering.
I feel sorry for Michael Jackson, in a way, because his life was so outside the normal frame and that does affect you. Even so, there are a lot of people who have had much more "different" lives, and much worse experiences, and they still didn't grow up to be pedophiles. There are even pedophiles who live with their distortion, but know better than to act on it. Acting on it is like saying, "These people, are not as important as me or my needs." And THAT is sick.
Thank you for helping make sense of? O Yeah, THE ELEPHANT in the room.
I am going to use your words to help me talk to my kids.
I appreciate you.
I agree with you, Paul.
Being a survivor carries with it a great responsibility. We don't do what has been done to us.
Yes, it's a big deal when we stop the cycle.
Hi,
I wanted to add that his sister who was estranged from the family did accuse her father of sexually abusing her and her two sisters and that he continued to do so when they were adults. So yes that was an allegation that she alleged for many years.
I agree with you that someone who is a sexual offender is not a survivor. They are a perpetrator and so have nothing to do with those of us who work on healing and do not abuse anyone.
Kate
we are divided on his life but what we do know is he was a recluse because life had damaged him so very badly.
MJ's outside the norm life was his own fault. He may not have chosen early childhood fame but in later life he made choices that sculpted the person we knew him as. Yes, his father was abusive and his mother impotent but the man was strange. I mean come on, he was strange and disturbed what is more he was without a doubt a pedophile.
When I listened to his interviews about sleeping with children he said key things that a pedophile says to rationalize his behavior. The young boy in the interview said several things about MJ that are key to pedophilia. Talent aside, strange or not the man was an abuser. I agree wholeheartedly with you Paul that he gave up his survivorship when he decided it was okay to hurt and buy his way out of it.
He had an attitude of, "I can do this because I'm MJ" which may in fact be what cost him his life. No one in their right mind uses the type of surgery drugs he used the way he used them. He could afford it, he could find someone willing to accept big money to give it to him so he did. MJ could buy himself out of his crimes but he could not pay to keep himself alive.
I shall not grieve.
Austin
Thank you for your comments. To make matters worse, since posting this, we have learned that the US Congress is taking up a resolution to honor Jackson. I find this an insult and a flagrant disregard of reality.
Just found this post (I've been reading through your site some). I really appreciate this post. It made me sick to my stomach to see people fawning over this pedophile.