A Higher Consciousness Experience
The genesis of this site was an experience I had nearly a year ago of "enlightenment". I use that term loosely because I'm not sure how to now describe it. I've also called it "full consciousness", "higher energy state of being", "knowledge of the Universe", among other phrases. The site was just a few pages then, not a blog, meant only to document that experience. I wrote about it in A Healing Journey (Original) and in subsequent postings here and here.
The experience of nearly a year ago had never happened to me before in that way. I was transformed for a period of a couple of weeks. It was absolutely incredible. I had thought I was completely healed and was convinced that I would stay in that state forever. I'm not sure why it was I thought that. But I did. I guess it was so glorious that I couldn't imagine not being in that place. I thought I unlocked the mysteries to the Universe. In a certain sense I did. But I was not able to hold onto this place.
When I crashed, I crashed hard. I was devastated. I ended up in the hospital.
But I rebounded quickly and over the ensuing months, I was able to experience this state of full consciousness again and again and again, though never quite as strong or as long as the first experience.
Then last Thursday after therapy as I was writing, I started having a similar experience. I wrote at the time:
I am not going to process much from therapy today. The main theme was acceptance. So, I'm just going to go with that. I also don't want to mess up these really amazing feelings I'm having course through my body. They are absolutely incredible. I don't know what to make of them. It's like toxins are being released. My eyes feel burning a little. I feel a burning inside. But there's also this sense of incredible flow.
This experience came on the heels of a rather difficult past few weeks. A period in which I almost ended up in the hospital. I wrote about the experience, as it was happening, again last Friday:
The consciousness is increasing. I'm listening to Beethoven's Quartet No. 7. It was all visual. It spoke to me. It's as if everything is increasing exponentially. I have all this awareness. I feel connected to so much. I feel so much. Like the weight of the Universe. It's incredible. Is this real?? I went to sleep. But I'm not sure I slept. I was in this kind of suspended state of bliss. Around 6AM when I "woke", the feelings got more and more intense. I really couldn't much move. I just basked in the glory of what was happening to me. I felt here and not here. I felt like I was sharing space with something or someone else. It was me but it wasn't me. I don't know how to explain it. The energy was immense. It washed over me. Bathed me. Held me. I felt euphoric. But I wasn't hyper. I was calm. Oh so calm. Everything was (and is) relaxed. I also knew a lot. I understand things. It's like the mysteries of the universe are not mysteries to me. My self is in no pain. There are no worries.
On Saturday, there was a crisis at work, which lasted through Monday, and this state was no longer meant to be. I had to shift my awareness on the inside. And I finally had a crash on Tuesday night and all day Wednesday. I am just now picking up the pieces.
What do I take from this experience?
First, it's important for me to remember that the work I've been doing in therapy since last year has been about acceptance and, to some extent, mindfulness. I incorporate music into therapy, sometimes choosing selections of music to listen to with my therapist. Sometimes these pieces of music are incredibly powerful and emotional. The same is true with art which allows different parts of me to be present and engaged. We also do relaxation and visualization exercises. All of these complement traditional "talk" therapy and, I think, are important components of a holistic healing experience.
These experiences of consciousness are the fruits of this labor. In a certain sense, I see them as an integration of sorts. It's as if my life is a set of discrete realities which is limiting in many respects. But when I can fully accept, there is a way in which everything connects. When those connections happen, I can make connections outside of me also.
I see these experiences of higher consciousness as touchstones. They are what keep me going.
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Hi Paul,
I have had the same kind of experience, extraordinary, life changing energy, several times. Each time, I thought that it would last forever and each time, the crash came and I was devastated.
It was wonderful to hear someone else describe it. Not only could I relate, but it brought back pieces of what I felt.
When I've told people about the experience, I've gotten a variety of diminishing responses. Usually "It's mania, you need to increase your meds," or sometimes just "That's nice."
One of the most intense times was during meditation when I was trying to process something from therapy. I am going to be writing about it in my blog in the next few weeks. When I told C. about it, she was so encouraging. She understoood, and helped me process that experience, as well. For at least a week afterwards, I was having "rushes". I think it is what you are describing about when you talk about how the music was affecting you. I felt a physical humming all through my body, but especially in my fingertips and other extremities. I was extremely conscious of my breathing, which seemed very deep and even. I saw the whole world through the eyes of God.
I don't think it was mania. I don't think it was anything small and insignificant. At the same time, it seems to me that this kind of experience is something anyone could feel, if we trained ourselves in that direction. If it was a priority to feel a connection to the Universe in that way, we would all learn how to do it at an early age. Unfortunately, it seems common for people to think they are somehow chosen or better than others when they experience this kind of thing, it may spawn religious fanatism. It seems to be human nature to want to keep anything good for ourselves, even something that is in abundant, undepletable demand. I'm glad you shared this here, and I'm glad you know what this feels like.
Wow, Shen, thanks! I have had affirming responses from others as well as not so affirming responses. My therapist has been excellent on this, as the first experience was while we did a meditation together. On the one hand, I do think these are experiences anyone can achieve. On the other hand, I have written before that the ability to segment ourselves may be a primer for these types of experiences. In other words, I wonder if people with dissociation issues can achieve these states more readily. I look forward to reading about this on your site.
I don't know whether this may qualify as a not-so-affirming response, but I'll add my two cents. :-) I've had these types of experiences as well, and in my opinion, they are not helpful; I also question, in my own case (I wouldn't presume to question anyone else's personal experience) whether they were actual enlightenment, although they met the standard "requirements" of a "spiritual experience."
To my way of thinking, enlightenment is a daily practice, and it's pretty ... quiet, I guess the word would be. These extreme states that are followed by a comedown or a crash ... for me, they don't seem like enlightenment; they seem more like some huge cyclic release, or a chemical flood. They are certainly something important, but I don't think they're a genuine spiritual experience, simply because the more I read about the lives of the truly wise and enlightened, the more I sense that those people don't have highs and lows; they are in more of a state of continual higher vibration, but it is not an extreme state of higher vibration. Maybe they've just learned to moderate that experience, or hold it differently.
The other thing that has struck me, when I've heard people talk about a sudden spiritual enlightenment, is that they often see it as a release from doing the very hard daily work of living. I've known quite a few people who suddenly felt the touch of God, or felt themselves catapulted into one-ness with the Universe ... and they felt that their problems were solved. I don't think genuine enlightenment is accompanied by that particular misconception. So I tend to think that many of these types of experiences, especially when they arise from the depths of profound suffering, are more a self-protective chemical reaction of the brain, particularly if the person is *not* someone who routinely alters brain chemistry with medication or alcohol. I think people are incredibly resilient organisms, and that the brain and body are capable of creating euphoria to preserve that organism.
None of which is to say that I doubt the genuine-ness of your or Shen's experience; I'm simply providing my lens on my own experience, and extrapolating from the experiences of people whom I have personally known whom I have observed in the aftermath of these types of phenomena.
David, Excellent comment! Where do I start? First, thanks for taking the time to write such a careful response.
I find these experiences helpful only insofar as I know what I, meaning all of me, am capable of achieving. For me, it's a wondrous achievement. My goal, of course, would be to find a way to moderate it so that it's, like you say, a state of being.
But you are right, this may not be possible because it may not be true enlightenment but rather a chemical reaction in the brain of euphoria. I will say, though, that while "euphoria" could adequately describe this recent experience, it doesn't describe some others which were accompanied by a great "knowing".
It seems that these experiences, now that I've had enough of them, are accompanied by a great amount of acceptance. So, I wonder if the brain partitioning that many of us do with dissociation sort of allows us a short circuit to this "enlightenment" state.
Certainly this brings up more questions than is answers. But thanks, as always, for your insightful comments.
I think it is quite possible that the partitioning of the brain in dissociative disorders allows a shortcut to altered or enhanced states of mind -- as one quick example, I've always been a little baffled as to why not every fiction writer can easily access his or her place of authenticity. It's very easy for me to do; I just turn off the rest of my brain. What? Not everyone can do that voluntarily? That was a big surprise to me, when I started talking about emotional risk-taking and honesty in the creative process. So yes, I believe absolutely that the way our brain works allows shortcuts.
And the flip side of that coin, of course, is that it is much harder to allow those states of mind to filter into daily life, because there are barriers in place. It's hard to say which is more inherently painful ... seeking that experience and not getting a glimpse of it, or getting the glimpse and not being able to hold onto it.
Paul, this was heart felt and probably a bit difficult to write. I appreciate being allowed to read it. Knowing others experience what I do keeps the sadness at bay, most days.
I can have those incredible experiences of that simple, yet catastrophic flash of light.
The aftermath for me is usually quite a let down, and yes, crashes are included. For me, though, the crash comes on the heals of finally feeling smart enough, or capable enough for my task only to realize it has been snatched from me. I genuinely hate knowing I was capable and now I'm not. T says it has something to do with intelligence and how my brain works. He thinks I'm "brilliant" (I love to hear him tell me it, I'm not embarrassed to say). I'm not "brilliant" every day, or even all day and that is the result of how my brain works. Maybe it's part of DID, I don't know, but what I do believe is that DID has nothing to do with my intellect, as much as my intellect has a lot to do with DID.
Mr.S often tells me that he believes there are two types of survivors. Those who quickly cope with trauma and move forward, and those who fracture and spin in what has become their life. They are both still survivors. For what happened to me, he says not to many people walk away unscathed, so that leaves those with DID and other trauma related issues. He says what is so unique about DID survivors is that we have a great capacity for imagination and are usually of high intelligence. It is that combination that kept us from spiraling down so far we became lost.
Most people spend a life time doing drugs trying to find that euphoria we all call life. Some begin acting out on their emotions with frustrated attacks on the rest of society - they are not survivors. In that respect, I feel lucky to have "survived" regardless of how many times I rise to enlightenment, or crash to utter despair. I am learning during the down times that "this, too, shall pass." --And it always does.
Thanks, Ivory, for a wonderful and honest comment. I will make a full post later, but the crash has been so far that I will be going inpatient to the hospital today to maintain safety.
Good luck, Paul. Just remember, the fall doesn't last forever. You'll be back to yourself.
Here's hoping it's a fast and smooth transition.
I will be keeping you close in my thoughts, Paul. I hope you feel better soon. I have described this thing you are calling enlightenment before. I called it flying. I can't know for sure for you, but for me it was a close cousin of dissociation, and yes, the crash is devastating. I've learned to mitigate the effects of the crash somewhat with... yes, *sigh*, dissociation. You are not alone. And you're going to be okay.