First Post On Sex and Parental Trust
I have a part who helps with sex. I live in a virtual bubble when it comes to sex. Since forever, he has used porn amongst other things, some of which became rather unsafe for me. I eventually classified all that as self-harm, with some activities being more harmful than others. Some are purely psychological harm and others are also physical harm.
I thought for a long while he was just evil. I eventually found out that he wasn't, but rather just doing what he thought he was supposed to in order to protect some of the younger parts. I still don't fully understand how being involved in sex protects younger parts, when in the end it triggers everyone. Well, maybe I do. In some ways it shields them from the abuse, but as we became more aware all over, this kind of coping didn't work as well. Peter is 17.
Peter has been the cause of my getting into some trouble over the years. The acting out started around junior high when he prank phone called girls in my school and the police ended up coming to my house. I don't have the full story on what happened. I suppose I denied it, which was the truth from my perspective. My father confronted me and I think we had a little talk and that was the end of it.
Sex remained an issue and gets dealt with sometimes in ways I'm incredibly uncomfortable, embarrassed, and ashamed about. It's now rarely about serious self-harm and more a nuisance. It's been dealt with insofar as Peter knows the really harmful stuff, all intended to hurt me, is not acceptable because it's hurtful to others inside. I know it will all have to be dealt with eventually, but for now I live with a quirky relationship with sex and accept it.
But tonight, while at my parents, they seemed to be very distrustful of me when I was fixing my Dad's computer. At first I didn't put two and two together. And if this were a year or two ago, I would never have. But, now with my increased awareness, I knew what it was about. They were around for all the "getting caught" stuff, the "lying", the breakdowns and suicide attempts, and the multiple personality diagnosis. So, I cannot help but wonder if my parents were thinking I have multiple personalities and have done things in the past, so I'm not trustworthy because I'm not really in control or I'm not really who I say I am?
If that's the case, then does how far I've come count for nothing? I built a career, bought a house, married, and had kids. I did all that in as whole a way as I could. They know I still have trouble and work at healing, but I thought they knew I was trustworthy and a decent person.
Or do they? That is the question.
Or perhaps a better question is what I say to myself about all this?
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It is human nature to "remember" the worst, so of course your parents remember all that wild and crazy stuff. But remember, you moved out probably before, or as you began to heal, so they are also remembering the last things about you.
On top of it all, people don't always understand and they are afraid of what they don't understand. Take my family, for instance. We were very close before my husband left me (albeit in a dysfunctional way). When he left me, he knew about my DID, but I don't believe he told them that, I think he said I was crazy AND I had told them about my PTSD. Their way of dealing with me being in therapy/PTSD was to basically "kill it." They walked away but not before trying to destroy me.
I'd watched this behavior all of my life on our farm. If they found an animal, reptile, or bird they didn't understand, they killed it. My degree is in sociology, I didn't have to learn this behavior from a book, but it's there.
I know this will sound odd, but I am into truth and I try to say it kindly, so if you are offended by what I'm about to write - I deeply apologize, that is not how it's meant.
Because I was abused all of my life by boys/men, and because you are a man, I find myself having a hard time passing thru this particular post w/o the usual heart-pounding, sweaty explosion of fear I always experience when I am afraid of a man. This is the first time this has happened via blogging. Funny, isn't it how terror can reach out and find us, no matter where we are.
I am so proud, tho, that you have the courage and the strength to work on changing this for Peter and yourself, kudos! Your parents will see you one day for who you really are, I truly believe that.
Thank you for being so honest. I had wanted to keep this site very non-triggery and bring up only intellectual concepts. But this doesn't seem to be the way it's always going to go. I don't know if it helps at all, but the sex stuff with Peter is about getting others to hurt me. So again it's me in the victim-sex role, recreating the abuse from long ago, with I suspect an effort to control or master it and also an element of self-punishment.
Let me try this again. I don't think I said it as well as I wanted to. I can wholeheartedly appreciate your fear of men. I have many parts who are female. And I think the self-harm is about reinforcing that fear of men in me, both for female part and most male parts. Fortunately, I do have a couple of healthy male relationships. Unfortunately, they are all with clinical people. I absolutely don't get close to men. I don't like the fact that I pretty much fear half of the human population. But I do understand the heart-pounding fear. I'm sorry I brought up that reaction.
Hi Paul,
Once again, a fascinating topic that I can totally relate to, on all levels.
I see two things here, vying for my attention and I can hardly decide where to start. Hah, I say that, but I know my discomfort with one half will sway me to put it off til last...
I can totally relate to how you feel that your family is taking everything you say or do with a grain of salt. I have felt that way my entire life. Even before I had any diagnoses of bipolar, PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks, or DID, my father liked to tell everyone I was crazy. He told me that, since I was very young. I think a lot of my family is convinced of it on a very deep level that has nothing to do with reality.
I never understood why he did this, when I was growing up. I assumed, for the most part, that he must be right. It was just another way he made my own reality seem very precarious and invalid.
I have learned that this is one of many ways he set out to isolate me. It is, I've learned, what abusers do. They isolate to protect their secrets.
It leaves me feeling very defensive, as if anything I say I have to be extremely sure I can prove because I sense that I am unlikely to be believed. Mostly, if I disagree with anyone in the family, I may as well keep it to myself. My opinion holds no weight.
Okay, enough stalling. The other part that I feel I have to respond to...
I admitted to my therapist only last week that I have a secret sex life that brings me a lot of shame. Like you, I am not going to go into the specifics, and (probably like you, as well) I wonder if people won't assume that things are worse than the reality.
The shame I feel inhibits me from thinking about that part of myself very much.
When you said that you "live in a bubble" I completely understood that. It is the best description of how I feel, sexually, that I have heard. I am disconnected during sex with another person, and I generally do not remember what happened. Anything that happend alone (damn it this is so hard to talk about) is not what it should be and is not what I would like it to be.
Like you, I have never, to my knowledge, hurt anyone else. It is all about my own pain and humiliation.
So with that somewhat cryptic explanation, know that you are not alone.
I recently started reading the book "The Sexual Healing Journey", which was recommended by my therapist. Have you seen it? I think you might find it interesting, and maybe even helpful.
And actually, there is a third part to your post that I didn't comment on - the attachment to men factor. Outside of my husband, I am not close to any men. I have a hard time relating to my brothers and often find myself angry for no apparent reason. I met my husband when I was 17 and I lived the first few years of that relationship as someone else, for the most part. That helped me get close to him in a way I haven't been able to with anyone else. However, I do not have the kind of intimacy that is possible. I didn't realize this for a long time, but I have come to know that other people do find a kind of intimacy that I have not.
My lack of intimacy is not really confined to men, however. I don't get close to women either. The difference is that with me it is out of fear, whereas with women it is more out of a feeling of shame and a sense of not being worthy.
Shen. Thank you for such an honest reaction and for what you shared about your personal experiences. To be honest, I brought all this up with the hope that others would relate to it and we could all feel not so alone about it.
The "bubble" is the same bubble as other parts of life: compartmentalizing into parts with limited awareness. I think, for me, sex is probably the most compartmentalized. But religion would be up there too.
I guess I will always feel like I will have to prove myself and no matter how much I do that, it will never be enough. Probably it is difficult for others who deal with me. On one level they probably want to respect and trust me, but on some other level they keep in the back of their mind the times I have not had the ability to be consistent. Funny thing is, even most all non dissociative people are not consistent at times. But we have to wear a big "scarlet letter" on our chest with our label. A lot of times it doesn't factor in and people can see past that. But there are times when it does factor in, like last night.
I'm very glad that you were able to share this with your therapist. This is the first step in healing sexual difficulties. You should feel proud, and if you don't already feel a weight taken off you, you will I hope.
I don't know the book you mention, but I will get it and read it.
Thanks again for sharing so openly.
I think I am unusually fortunate in that my mother knows about my DID and is very accepting; we talk about it openly, and at my repeated request, she went into therapy as well to start dealing with her own issues that had contributed to my problems. But that, I realize, is incredibly rare. I felt very angry at your parents while reading this post -- indeed, do they not see what you've achieved? It seems to me that you're more responsible and functional than many so-called "healthy" people. In our society, we so often equate being healthy with being numb and unreflective; I'm glad I'm crazy, frankly.
Our family, well my parents and siblings, have an uncanny ability to avoid. I wish I had a penny for every time my mother said "I don't want to hear about that!" They just cannot deal. They never learned how. Yes, they've helped me through active suicidality and more, and I think they do appreciate what I've achieved to some degree. I don't really think it's anyone's fault. It is what it is. The "scarlet letter" is the scarlet letter. Period.
After reading this, I'm struck by your courage at speaking so honestly Paul. But there's one little thing that niggles me - do you really know that they were questioning your abilities? They haven't had friends who have very recently been hurt by computer related issues? They not showing signs of paranoia associated with old age or the economic recession? I know I might be well off the mark with these questions, and they might be distrustful for the reasons you are aware of. But I suppose I'm trying to look at it from another angle that has nothing to do with you. I hope I haven't hurt you by suggesting this.
You have done so many good things with your life, please remember that.
I also struggle with how to safely express sexuality.
Take care...
Michelle
Yes, you may well be right. There is certainly a component there that must be true. But even if they didn't mistrust me, I will always feel that I have that "scarlet letter" on me. I was thinking they weren't questioning my abilities, but rather trustworthiness.
I know that you will probably always have that belief that they are questioning your trustworthiness, but I was trying to gently challenge that belief. You know that I have shared things with you that I consider sensitive, I wouldn't have done that if I thought you weren't to be trusted. I also know I live in another country, so that trust is comparatively meaningless.
I still believe that Peter deserves respect for protecting the younger ones and empathy so that he can now move forward. If he can now see that his actions impacted on others, that is so important.
Take care and be as gentle on yourself as you would ask a friend to be in the same situation.
Michelle
This is a blog I'm at loss for words not because of anything bad just because I don't really have any idea on what to say and find it foreign and strange about parents discussing and knowing about my therapy or diagnosis, probably because they abused us so much that it wouldnt ever be up for discussion.
Hi Paul
My first thought after reading the paragraph about your parents was maybe your dad had something on the computer he didn't want you to see and the distrustful vibes you picked up were about that?
I tend to do this a lot--with the "increased awareness" I pick up so much more now than I ever did, but while I am able to pick it up, I am not always able to interpret it correctly...
I tend to think the negative energy I sense is directed at me, or if it is indeed directed at me for a small specific thing, I interpret it as huge judgment and rejection of the entire core of my being! And once that first part is in place, I am off and running as my mind spins out increasingly fantastic stories that some part of me wants to believe for whatever reason...
While in reality all that is really happening is I am projecting my worst fears onto a misinterpreted situation and then reacting to it as if it were real...
My T catches me doing this a lot. "Let the data lead the way." he says. "As always, let the data lead the way."
(And sometimes I'll say, "But this is the data, I'm absolutely positive this person was angry/distrustful/resentful/hostile/critical/jealous/bitter towards me because... And then he'll settle back into his chair and get that familiar look in his eye like Here we go round the circle again for yet another lap...)
Jahda, I think I've come to realize that they just thought that what I was doing was making their computer network less safe but not because of any ill intent. So it was a bit that they were distrusting my abilities. I now don't think this was about trusting me as a person. Anyway, the truth of what they were thinking is secondary to the fact that I feel I always carry the burden of my diagnosis. And it's secondary to the issues of sex, which I feel I will need to write about more in the future here because they are so important to our healing.
Hi, Paul -
At the risk of seeming self-promoting, I'd like to provide a link to one of my blog posts that examines my own "quirky" relationship with sex . . . actually, much of my blog relates to that relationship, but this one post captures a major lightbulb moment for me.
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/2009/06/08/october-28-2008-part-3/
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
Marie, Thank you so much!!! Your posting was so incredibly helpful to me. I cannot explain fully how it was just yet. I suppose this will have to be one of those times that I will have to wait and see. You are courageous to post what you did. Thank you so much!
Thank you for your kind words, Paul -
It seems that one post has spoken deeply to several people . . . I do know that the lightbulb moment was a key turning point for me. I trust it will help others, as well.
I appreciate your brave posting . . . I have found that everytime I talk about the most shameful parts of what goes on in my head, heart and body, a little bit more of the shame rolls off of me . . . it has been the biggest help of all my therapeutic work.
My thoughts are with you, Paul! And, know that I do read your blog on a regular basis . . . even when I don't comment.
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)