Acceptance as Strength or Weakness?
Some in my life say I'm strong.
Some in my life say I'm weak.
The signs are that I'm much more able to keep myself safe, that I pay attention on the inside, that I try to communicate, that I am making an effort to understand some of the darker parts of myself, and on and on. Those are strengths. That is the healing mission I've been on for the past year.
But the healing comes at a cost. The cost is what I alluded to when I told the people in the hospital that I thought I suffered depression because I couldn't get my home life on track. At home, I am somewhat ineffectual. I am clearly not consistent. I am in bed a lot. I am unable to carry out my duties in any regular way. I cannot follow through on vacation plans, thereby upsetting most of the family. I let people down. At work, I'm not nearly half as good as I used to be. I don't go that often. When I do, it's carefully controlled.
The cost looks like weakness.
And I am left asking "What is the measure of a man?"
In the hospital, I learned that I am where I am right now, going through what I'm going through, and doing the best I can. Period. Healing is not pretty. In fact it's quite messy.
I can pine away for those days when I was super functional Dad and husband and worker, but to do that I would have to neglect considering all the self-harm that was going on to make that possible.
I am trying to remake myself so that I can set myself up for the rest of my life. I know I cannot live the way I have lived. That way has no future.
But the question is how to make my life more functional? Maybe the way things are right now is something I have to accept as part of healing. Maybe I have to accept that the reworking I am doing inside is hard and is not bearing fruit in the ways I would like right now. I cannot do everything at once.
In the future, I hope it does more. But, realistically, what can I expect? I honestly don't know.
And now for some context. For several months, we had a 1-week vacation planned at a small zero amenities cabin in the middle of a forest, 7.5 hours away. All I knew was that it had 4 cots. I had planned this. It was to begin tomorrow. Only a couple days ago did I realize that, as planned, this was not something I was able to do because it didn't feel safe. I proposed an alternate plan, to a place closer to home that I was familiar with, for a shorter period of time, and to a more furnished cabin (with it's own shower and bathroom and pillows and bedding). I felt like that was doable for me. The alternate plan didn't go over so well with 1/2 of the family. But, unlike the past, I am standing by my decision of personal safety over family happiness. In the distant past, I would be able to follow through on the original plans without any problem and perhaps pay the price somewhere down the road. In the more recent past, I would have to struggle through miserably. Where I am right now, with being in touch with what's going on inside, I cannot do either to myself. So, I look like I'm being selfish and weak to some. But I've made a compromise. I'm still giving them the vacation, it's just configured differently. On the inside, it's about protection. And if that's considered selfish, then so be it.
23 Comments
Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
Hi Paul! I am glad you're writing. I can tell you this much... after all of the years you spent raising a family, working, being a good husband... the time in life has come to take care of YOU. This is far from selfish or lazy. The measure of a man? Well before we are any gender we are human beings with hearts and souls. You are healing yours. It is difficult for others to understand where we are and what we face each day of life within ourselves. I know that I can't sleep at night and wind up sleeping late in the morning. To some sleeping late looks lazy and they think I should just "reset" my sleeping schedule. Guess what? Not possible at this time. If I got up early in the morning I would be trying to function on 4 hours of sleep every night. Should I make this sacrifice for others who can't stop and think and find compassion? I might have... before but not now. This stuff we deal with is so intense that it is beyond the normal realm of understanding for others who have not been through it. There is no way they can climb into our shoes and picture what this is like. BUT... they do HAVE to respect that this is enormous and something they can't understand... and then back off of judgement or labels. You are BRAVE to face this and still hold true to your journey. You are not selfish... you are self-healing. Huge difference. I know where I am headed with this journey... I pray every day that my family with stay strong and endure this with me. I try to prepare my husband for how this might get. We have promised to hold true to our love and commitment to each other through it and share the world on the other side when I get there. Again... I pray. It is your time now to heal and for others... it is their time to respect it. My best wishes go out to you and thank you for your updates. I think of you often.
Wow. I don't know what to say. Maybe something along the lines of: "That was exactly what I needed to hear". I have said time and time again, that it is not just because of myself that I'm on this healing journey. It's also because of my family. I want to be better for them. I want, as you say, to get to the other side. And when I get there I want to enjoy that place with the people I love. In my mind, that is the opposite of selfish. Thank you again. Your words are more helpful than you can imagine.
I agree with everything Nansie wrote, you are working on building a solid foundation for the entire family.
When you ask about the measure of a man, I wonder whom or what you are comparing yourself to? The traditional societal view of a man's role is flawed. If you had continued on the path of super high functioning, where to you think you would be now? The path you have taken towards healing is difficult, very difficult and takes a huge amount of strength. But that path has also saved you, please don't minimise that.
In regards to the vacation, I should have been going on a trip over to Tauranga to see the ocean right now, but the reason I am able to write this is because my mother has come down with a cold. It's not always the member of the family with the mental health issues that cause the disappointments. You came up with a valid alternative to the vacation. You weren't intending to hurt the family, you were trying to be realistic about what you could handle. That takes strength.
Take care,
CG
Thanks CG, It's very hard to hold onto the fact that what I'm doing is about strength and not about weakness. I guess I haven't had much practice doing it this way. I don't think I ever stood firm on something like this ever. As I said, in the distant past I would not have known any better. In the recent past, I would have given in. But in the present, this is a different story. I think it's pretty clear that I'm changing in rather profound ways. I don't like to say this, but people around me are going to have to do some of their own accepting of that. Because the changes are sticking and I'm not going back. Thanks, as always, for your support.
One day I was crying to my therapist and I was saying something like, "I feel like I am not doing this well. I feel like I am not getting through this in a good way!" He looked at me and said: "There is no GOOD way to get through this. There is just getting through it."
You are right. Sometimes it is messy. There is no good way to get through. There is just getting through.
Thanks Jenny! I have experienced what it's like when there is communication and collaboration and have written about it here. It's these experiences I am learning to have and this is what "getting through" means to me. Gee, I hope I get there. It will be nice.
Hey Paul!
I was glad to read your response to my message yesterday. This is your time and people will just have to adjust and accept this. While we have to work so hard on acceptance, our families will also have to work to accept these changes in us. Remember education teaches us about resistance to change... well our families are classic examples of this. They too are creatures of habit. Our family systems have been set up and in place for decades and they naturally will want to revert to that system as a new one is built. I did study this stuff somewhat in my education. It will never be that they don't love you. It will be their need to hang onto the security that this old system brought them through the years. It will be instinctive for them for a while. Prompting them about where you are and reminding them of what you need will be important. They love you and will want to help. Try to compliment them and take note of when they do. This will reinforce the fact that you notice and appreciate their consideration. This will help them feel confident and safe with the changes as they occur. Positive feedback to them will promote more positive actions from them. Family systems are so implanted in all of us and they are so hard to change even when it is for the better. You may want to reassure them that you will be ok in time and that this is all part of your healing process. Sometimes family members may be afraid of what they see happening because they don't understand it and are afraid of losing you in it. They too must be reassured of the process and that there will be an end to it eventually. It can be scarry for them as well. I don't know how old everyone is. Perhaps there are books out there they can read? I know that I have a hard time explaining this stuff to my husband. My counselor has agreed that he can go in and talk about it if he needs to. It helps alot if they have some idea of what they can expect and what is "normal" for all of this. Just some ideas and I hope all is well!
I knew immediately that us women would pointedly address the "man" issue. I agree with them that what society holds men to is a social construct, not the way it actually is. Men need soft understanding as much as women and don't let anybody say that's weak.
Have you enlisted your wife's help and possibly your children's help in your recovery? Maybe allowing them to be part of the solution, will keep them from feeling like the problem. It's just a thought. My daughter, is a monument to what the meaning of family truly is and is here to help me. The first time she called needing My help was the true test of her belief in me.
I bet your vacation goes better than you think it will. If not, then it's one more learning curve. You're educated, you understand that once you learn something, you change. We just don't get to pick our lessons. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
Hi, Paul -
What is the measure of a man? In my mind, it is a man who is committed to truth and health and self-expression and love and authenticity . . . and you are measuring up well. I am proud of you!
Thank you for allowing us a viewpoint into the inner workings of your mind . . . it is a source of strength.
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
What really helpful comments, all of you. Nansie, you sound like my therapist in disguise. Are you? Ivory, what a wonderful idea to enlist my family. I tend to protect the kids. But I think I need to involve my wife more. Marie, thank you for seeing my strength.
The "trip" ended up changing. My eldest daughter and my wife decided to do the original trip. What can I say, they are stubborn. My youngest daughter and I decided to do the alternative trip. It seemed a good compromise.
Hi Paul,
It sounds like you are learning boundaries. Boundaries are one of the hardest things to do. I think that is because everyone else is so used to telling us what our boundaries are supposed to be and what we should be and how we should be. The natural rsponse is to call someone mean, selfish, self-centered. A person who does that is not a healed or healing person, but rather a person who has very little healing.
A healing person is not being selfish, they are being responsible, loving, good, kind, respectful, a real person. And nothing takes more courage and strength than being a real person.
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
Thanks Kate. I don't think I understand the concept of boundaries well. I like to believe that I respect others. In practice, I'm not so sure I'm as good at that as I think I am. So, yes, I'm working on that. But also learning to respect my own boundaries. Boundaries to me means keeping a sense of protection on the inside. An inner safe core, so to speak. I'm not sure that's entirely accurate. But it's what I go with.
This may seem a left field comment, but are you and your wife familiar with change management techniques? This is the sort of situation that you are all now facing, and much of what has been suggested within the comments here fit this model:
I admit this is my management training coming into play, but there are some transferable concepts. It's not about manipulating your family, but rather communicating and working with them so that everyone can see where you are heading. There are all sorts of proviso's attached to change management, including ethics and morals. Some managers do it ruthlessly, some take it gently and concentrate on participation. But the key aspect is communication. You don't have to be the one doing all the communication, family counselling is another option which I have seen work really well.
Kind regards
M
Wow, this sounds complicated! I'm not sure I'm smart enough for all that! I think the communication is happening. Again, it's not pretty. So much has happened with my healing and I've told my wife so little. She does not know this blog exists, for example, let alone read any. I just shared with her "The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder", which she printed and brought with her on her trip. My next step is to include her more in what is really going on with me. I don't think she realizes what is really happening to me and how much I'm changing. She only sees "dysfunction". I need to communicate that better. Likewise, we have to have open communication about how she experiences these changes in me so that we can all live together and accept each other. Hard stuff. But, her finally understanding that I could not go on this trip and accepting the compromise is a victory for me. I cannot tell you how much of a victory I think this is.
Hey Paul...I am not a therapist. However I have alot of education in this stuff. Funny thing is is that I can't use it on myself. I draw a complete blank when it comes to me. This is part of why they say "NEVER self diagnose". It is like one part of me learned while the rest lived life and none of it connects to each other. Maybe I naturally drew to this stuff in college in a subconsious effort to self help. My kids are ONE thing in life that I am sure I did right. I love being a Mom...their Mom. But they are in college now...so the rest goes without saying. I know that as time goes on I will get more symptomatic. This stuff has been sealed off from me for so long. I did have a bad couple of days this week and I was exhausted from it. As I talk to my family about this I do not use the buzz words. Movies and stuff like that have really promoted very exaggerated ideas about this diagnosis. I more or less define to them what is happening and what I need. That seems to work better with a greater understanding. The buzz word are what really makes this stuff so much harder. The labels...they really just create fear in people. My therapist has said to me that by the time many find out their diagnosis they are 60% of the way healed. This was an interesting thought to me. While to me it seems like I am beginning a huge journey...perhaps I am already over half way there. It's atleast gotta be that way for you too. You are even further along than me. Can you let me know how your wife makes out with that book for SO's? I may buy it for my husband. My best thoughts are with you. Take good care and enjoy your vacation with your youngest. Sounds like this all worked out perfectly. Perhaps the resistance only goes on long enough for people to test us to see if we are clear on our decisions and once they see we are they quickly adjust? :) Not so bad afterall.
I told you left field... sometimes we do left field a little too well. What M was trying to say, is that the foundations upon which your family have been operating on for the last 5 or so years are changing. One of the best ways to manage this is to be open about what is going on for each member of the family in a gentle and respectful way.
Communication and boundaries are vital in enabling you all to move forward.
Sorry for the management brain-dump on you. Although I beg to differ regarding your statement about not being smart enough to do it :)
Take care,
B
I don't think you are selfish at all. When you write, " Where I am right now, with being in touch with what's going on inside...." I could completely relate.
I feel like I'm wearing all of my emotions right on the surface at this point. Everything that happened so long ago forced me to deny my feelings for so long. Letting all the old memories out has reawakened my emotions and I don't really know how to deal with them.
Recently, after a long crying bout - something I never did before - I emailed my therapist and asked her why I was falling apart like this over something so little. She said it was because I was feeling my feelings now. I asked her, exactly why were we trying to get me to feel this?
It does not feel good. It's hard.
But I hear from everyone that it does get easier.
I think that once you are where we are - where you are aware of all of that stuff inside and in tune with your feelings, you can finally begin. It isn't selfish. It is growing and taking care of yourself to keep you - in this vulnerable state - safe. It's what you need and meeting your own needs is an adult thing to do.
I hope the family will all understand one day, but either way, you know.
I hope the trip is relaxing and enjoyable and not just another thing to "get through."
peace and love
HI Paul,
Boundaries is loosely everything that you love, don't love, want in your life, don't want in your life, interaction rules with loved ones and others; and how you treat them. Boundaries is something that is so hard to establish for a survivor of chlid abuse. I have some links at my links page for boundary articles, if you ever want to read them.
Kate
Oh, how I can so relate to this post! When I was dissociating all over the place without any awareness, I could juggle so many balls in the air at a time. I was the director of my own department...blah blah blah. Now I just feel so...oh...disabled. But, the work that is going on INSIDE now is huge. And you know what? We're worth it and we deserve it! It's just painful and it takes a hell of a lot of work and time. We'll get there. We'll get there.
I recently subscribed to this blog - parasites of the mind (an old term for PTSD). I have found its associated bridge-the-gap programme to be very helpful during the three months that my psychiatrist has been away over-seas. The main link is here:
http://healmyptsd.com/healptsd/bridge-the-gap-healing-workshop
Thank you all. I didn't respond to each individually, because I had been on my trip. There was a little price to pay upon returning. But, overall, I did well. And I thank you everyone for all the support.
welcome back :-)
Sending positive thoughts your way Paul...
Please take care of yourself,
Michelle