My main accomplishment during this hospital stay was coming to terms with acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean you are a quitter or that you have lost the battle (whatever that battle may be). Acceptance is about freeing yourself from burdens and allowing yourself to focus on healing.
For those who struggle with severe dissociation, we are constantly getting messages that what we experience is not real, that we make it up, or that we are addicted to drama. It's difficult to be understood because our experiences are not like the masses and we are often isolated.
My doctor here tried to impress upon me that these are mere distractions. We have to look past all of that. What we all need to learn to do is accept who we are, however complicated our internal structures may be, and navigate through life to create as much happiness along the way as we can.
One example of this is that I struggled in the hospital with long-lasting dissociation. I had not been used to the timescale of these experiences lasting on the order of days. For me, these experiences at this point in my life usually last on the order of minutes or hours. All the grounding skills I was used to working, really didn't. And I sort of began to panic. My doctor said something like: "Paul, you have to accept that it is what it is, but you know that these experiences do have an end because they always do."
Another example was this perception that a certain part of me was pure evil. I have struggled with this for many years mainly by ignoring and shutting out. I was in a battle that didn't need to be. When I accepted this part as me and made an effort to communicate, this part told me that their job was to protect younger parts in a very specific way. That was huge for me, this new communication.
Coming to the hospital is about recharging my "battery" which contains acceptance. When it drains to zero, that is when I end up here. If I didn't have dissociative identity disorder, then I would perhaps be able to get support through normal life experiences, like work colleagues, friends, etc. But how do you talk to your friends and neighbors about having dissociative identity disorder? Having this blog does help with that, but not completely. When I come here and I am surrounded by people who accept what I go through and can understand and can help me. When my battery is charged, I leave. It doesn't mean I feel great. It just means I accept and can go on with my life.