September 2009 Archives

This is a rather quickly put together second piano recording. I used to play this for my children when they were very young. A friend mentioned the song the other day and that reminded me of the wonderful memories of playing it. I hope you find it peaceful.

The lyrics are:

Of course, since the song was recorded in the early 60s by Peter, Paul and Mary, many assumed it was about smoking marijuana. The lyrics were written by Leonard Lipton and Peter Yarrow who were students at Cornell and who have said this is not what the song is about at all.

It is what the lyrics say. One of the authors, Yarrow, sings the lyrics as modified above to make it gender neutral (as opposed to just about a "little boy"). It's about growing up and losing interest in imagination, leaving a dragon playmate lonely and depressed.

For me, it's about lamenting the loss of innocence.

So, I'm in a particularly delicate position right now. Well, actually that's the problem. The position I'm in seems to change. From one extreme reality to another extreme reality. That's another post all to itself, which I will get to soon. But, the extreme changes have got me thinking...

Last week I posted my Giving Up Rant. I really was at rock bottom there and kind of stayed in this place. I guess I'm still there. Well, that's not true. I had a breakthrough on Saturday and then another this morning. But, I cannot easily keep track.

The week before that I posted My Take on What Healing Means. That was one of those "You can do it!" cheerleader posts. And just before that I posted Awakenings, which was that transformative experience when everything seemed to fit together just so perfectly.

So, I'm sort of taking stock of where I'm at. And I went through and looked at pretty much all of my previous posts dating back to April of this year when I started blogging. With the exception of some stray posts, they were all pretty much about the positive aspects of healing and, more or less, had to do with acceptance or working to get to that place of acceptance. Indeed, I wrote the Acceptance post upon leaving the hospital in August. I can easily see how I would be quite unhappy about all these posts when I am in the depths of despair.

It is precisely this "dichotomy" that has me taking stock.

I have been struggling a bit with whether the blog is really helpful for me. I think it is. The wonderfully supportive comments from all of you kind and caring people helped me stay in this place of acceptance. I appreciate them all for their validation and ability to get me to think. I especially like it when people offer alternative views. Largely, the blog allows me to synthesize my healing journey and put a good face on it, so to speak. I think that's good. But it's not enough. It doesn't fully respect the parts of me who really aren't on board with this process and fight against it. And it presents a sort of unitary voice, the sort of intellectual voice.

I know that for me, framing things in an intellectual kind of way is self-protective. I want to appear coherent and as least mentally fragmented as possible. Of course, this sort of gets in the way of acceptance. And along the way I sort of think I end up minimizing the struggle.

My private journal, which has many entries per day, contains far too much minutia for anyone to make sense of (usually myself included). And far too many extreme situations. Drama, some would say. So, that's where this blog has a real role in my healing. The blog is an at least twice a week healing exercise for me. And, usually, I write my posts at the tail end of a couple hour grounding process before or after therapy.

My hope is that I will start to change a bit how I put myself out here on the blog. I may start to include more of what the struggles are. I want to be able to talk about the scary parts. The parts that don't want to heal. I think that's the next evolution for the site. I think it will make the site more real, and in the process be more helpful to more of me.

Somewhat unrelated, but in keeping with the "blog carnival" theme, I wanted to point your browsers to Dr. Gudrun Frerichs' recently posted articles:

• Achieving Co-Consciousness
• Self-Acceptance and Love
• Healing Narcissistic Self-Parts
• Trauma Work

I found them to be quite in line with the language I use myself and how I understand where I want to go and what healing is all about. I hope you find them helpful too. I may look at them more closely and write about them in the coming days and weeks to come.

Thanks to everyone who made submissions for this month's "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse". I have yet to fully digest everything that's been submitted and I look forward to following all these wonderful sites, many of which are new to me (and perhaps to you too).

Relationship-Related Submissions

Shen at Reunited Selves submitted The Hole in the Soul. It's a beautifully written story about a young boy who was not well cared for and suffers headaches. It's a story about relationships, because it talks about the dynamic between a couple who has their own pain. It talks about loss. It talks about personal responsibility. It talks about healing. It leads off the carnival because it is to me one of the most beautiful, sad, and compelling stories I have ever read.

Castorgirl at Scattered Pieces submitted Once upon a time... Her story, which I am certain was difficult to write, reflects on an abusive relationship. It shows a deep understanding and a yearning to heal and change. It ends with a video titled "A Journey Through Domestic Violence" which is extremely powerful, heart-wrenching, and yet so full of hope.

Marj aka Thriver at Survivors Can Thrive submitted Can you fathom a family? Marj shows her ability to speak out against what was done to her in the context of her family. It's a story of hope. She writes: I am also happy and rather proud that I have the chance-and I am taking it-to break the multi-generational cycle of abuse. I can end the legacy I was born into. I've been able to create my own family with my husband and my beloved son.

Rick Belden submitted Fused at the wound, a poem about a love relationship. It's a rather sad tale and speaks to the complexities of holding onto healthy relationships in the midst of pain and struggle.

Dr. Kathleen Young submitted Relationships After Severe Trauma: Making Healthy Choices. Dr. Young relates some of the unhealthy aspects of relationships she has seen as a therapist. She offers some very practical advice.

Jumpinginpuddles at Lifes Spacings submitted What abuse can do to siblings and their relationships. She retells of her horrible abuse by her mother and how that changed forever her relationship with her sister. Note: this was left off the original publication because of a clerical error.

I submitted Q & A on the Carnival Theme in which I talked somewhat openly about the struggles I face in my healing as they relate to my family.

Advocacy and Awareness Submissions

Colleen at Surviving by Grace submitted Just try to shut us up, a heartfelt public statement that many victims of abuse need to tell their stories. I bookmarked this post and have used it as a "pep talk" to myself. Maybe you could do the same.

Jumpinginpuddles at Lifes Spacings submitted Expelling the myths of MPD/DID. She explores some of the common misconceptions about being multiple in a very direct way. Note: this was left off the original publication because of a clerical error.

Miss J at Media Misses submitted Failure to report vs. false allegations. She presents real-life cases of abuse and explores the real difficulties faced in finding justice and protecting children.

Atheist Revolution submitted: Catholic lobbying group opposes Child Victims Act. The Child Victims Act was to extend the statute of limitations by five years and add other victim protections in the state of New York. It was lobbied against by the New York Catholic Conference. Unfortunately, the Child Victims Act (A.2596) was pulled from the calendar on June 23, 2009 after Assembly leaders decided the bill did not have enough votes to pass.

Attorneys Betti and Franks submitted How to stay safe during a protracted lawsuit involving your childhood sexual abuse. They offer some practical tips based on their experience of prosecuting cases.

Healing Submissions

TheSameSky submitted Learning to Lament. She helps us understand that grieving is an integral part of healing and that denial and repression are not sustainable solutions. She writes: Feelings must be spoken. When they are, when feelings are no longer buried and our pain is heard by another... it becomes real, and this paves the way for healing.

Colleen at Surviving by Grace also submitted Roots, a wonderful story about a childhood safe place that stayed present with her into adulthood. If you use safe places in your healing process, this is a very uplifting story.

Dan Hays submitted Independence Day - Little Danny Set Free! It's a remarkable story, full of hope for what an adult man can do to heal a wounded boy through the power of visualization.

Kathy Broady at Discussing Dissociation submitted Do's and Don'ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples; a list comprised by an anonymous group of multiples.

Wanda's Wings submitted My Life - Short Version in which she tells of horrible abuse and also her salvation through God.

Thank you all, and especially Marj at Survivors Can Thrive, for the opportunity to host this month's carnival.

You are all truly inspirational.

The blog carnival for this month was announced here and contains some helpful information about what the carnival is all about.

I have been meaning to write a thoughtful article concerning this month's blog carnival theme (which I'm hosting) on significant others, spouses, families and parenting. That hasn't happened.

So, I thought I would do something simpler by answering some of the questions I posed when I announced the carnival.

I realize some of my answers may sound naive and may not all resonate with you. They are my answers and present my reality. I didn't want to go into details or long analyses. Of course, it's far more complex than what I'm writing here.

Here goes.

How does your spouse handle your healing? Or your symptoms?

This has varied over the years. And it seems that as time goes on it's harder to her to maintain patience. Like many of us, she wants this all done yesterday. And, while healing to us means being more aware of inconsistencies and dealing with them, she does not generally view that as healing. If I'm doing really well for a period and then have a collapse, it's very hard on her. She cannot really predict when the collapses will happen or to what degree and this makes it very hard for her to count on me in a whole host of ways. I do get very symptomatic at night sometimes. These are the times when the younger parts will have flashbacks and I will be in crisis. She handles these times extremely well. She's incredibly supportive there. I sometimes think that she wants it to be how it was before, when I was more "functional" and not showing outwardly how much pain I was in. Unfortunately, I was not healing much back then. And when I make the true statement that healing is messy, it's not just messy for me, it's messy for those who love me. But from her perspective, she has needs too. And they are being unmet because mine are "more important". I don't want that to be the case. She grapples with questions about whether I'm being selfish. These are tough for me to hear and some source of conflict. She thinks I can "toughen up" and sometimes sees where I'm at as a personal weakness. So, all in all, it's a complicated matter.

How do you talk to your spouse about your abuse or current place of healing?

Younger parts talk about these issues at night. During the day I try to be more protective of her. I really have a hard time explaining to her that I'm actually better now than I was a year or two ago. She understands that I have, to a large extent, been able to keep myself safe and she understands that is important. But she doesn't understand the scope of how unsafe I was. She sees this as a quality of life issue and thinks years are being wasted because I'm not healed enough. But usually we don't talk that frankly about my healing.

How do you talk to young children versus older children about your abuse or healing?

My children are 8 and 11. Both girls. I was symptomatic well before they were born and before I met my wife. I had a stability period. Then I became symptomatic again when my youngest was turning 1 and I was frequently in the hospital. So, it's been a long 7 year period since. I tried to keep my struggles as protected from the kids as possible. And what we said to the kids was mainly tied around the hospitalizations. We explained it as "Daddy has bad headaches and that's where they help get them better". This is how we explained some of my "having to sleep" or withdraw situations too. To a large extent, this is still how we explain it to them. However, about two years ago we had started to have more serious discussions with the children. I told the older one something about the abuse and how it's something that I struggle with and that my problems are more than just headaches. This came up because there was an abuse scandal in our town that my daughter became aware of. I couched my explanation of my abuse in terms that she could understand and then we talked about safety. I cannot honestly tell you if I've had a conversation with my younger daughter about the abuse. I think I haven't. But I have told her about my being "sad" sometimes.

What are the strains on the family and how do you cope with that?

I fortunately have good control over acting out behaviors at home. My kids accept me as me, even if that means I may act differently at times. And some of that is even desirable, like when younger parts can be young and play with them (while I do try to maintain a presence so that it's safe and appropriate). I would say the major strains are caused by my inconsistent ability to participate in what the family does. My wife ends up overcompensating some and resenting this some. But some of that has to do with differences between my wife and me. I am much more content to spend time with kids at night, reading and playing. And she is more content going out and doing things.

How do your child abuse experiences shape how you raise your children?

This is perhaps the most important outcome of my abuse. First, I don't let what happened to me force me to isolate my children. Quite the contrary. One of the things I am aware of that happened to me because of the abuse was that I withdrew and didn't have healthy experiences. So, for me, it's important that my children get to experience what being a kid is supposed to be. I want them to make friends. I want them to feel carefree. I want them to think the world is safe. That is how kids are supposed to be. Of course they are supposed to know good touch and bad touch and stranger danger, but I don't want to scare them. I don't think that's right. Second, I have taught my kids to express their emotions. I also know this was something I was unable to do. I want them to cry, laugh, and get angry. But most of all I want them to be able to find ways to tolerate bad feelings and move through them. Not alone. Third, I shower my kids with love. I tell them all the time how much I love them and I really try to show it to them. I hug them and kiss them. I fall asleep with them at night. I read to them. I scratch their backs at night. Fourth, I teach them. Constantly.

If you would like to chime in on the questions I raised, I'd be happy to hear your comments.

I'm so discouraged. The last post sounds like it was written by someone who has no concept of how hard things really are. It sounds like it was written by an academic who understands the theory, but lives in an "Ivory Tower".

The reality is that the theory is not anywhere close to the whole story. But, as I look back on this blog, I cannot help but get the sense that it's very much focussed on theory, lecturing, and intellectual understanding. I never make a post about anything personally difficult, unless it's framed in that way. This means nothing is written "off the cuff" and nothing comes from an intensely personal and emotional space.

That is not where I am right now. So, this post will be different from all the rest.

Right now I don't see the hope.

Right now I want to give up.

Right now I feel sick, bad, dirty, disgusting, evil, worthless, stupid, and foolish. And, out of control.

I've made such a huge effort over the past couple years to control everything, thinking I know so much. My "control everything" strategy is foolhardy. I should be finding a way to listen and communicate. I should allow parts to have a say. But I don't do that, except on rare occasions.

In fact, I am really in the dark on some of the major issues that face me. I know so little about my system, yet talk a good game and pretend that I really do.

I don't understand how anything really works. This site may sound like I do a lot of "accepting". But, in reality, I am more often thinking I'm a liar and a fake. I doubt parts. I want them gone! I doubt any abuse. I think I'm just some pervert making it up.

This all came to a head because I had a part that was destructive and self-harming. He got on board eventually and knew he couldn't be self-harming.

And what happens? There's another part that I barely know that basically took his place. Except now, it's worse! What this part wants to do is more harming than what the other part wanted to do.

I feel so stupid. I just want to give up.

Maybe this is really something that I cannot solve. That I cannot heal from. So, what's the fucking use of trying?

"Emotional Rants" posts have comments disabled because they aren't meant for group discussion. If you want to contact me offline, that's fine and appreciated. That feels safer to me. Thanks for understanding.

My friend castorgirl at Scattered Pieces recently posted What is healing? It's precisely the question I need to ask myself today.

I, too, have been saddled by questions recently such as Where am I going?, What's the point of all this hard work?, Where's the progress?, How long will this take?, and on and on.

There are times when I can see that I've made huge progress and times when I am so mired in flashbacks or internal confusion that I feel right back where I was decades ago. There are times when I am super-functional and times when I cannot get out of bed. There are times when I am fully connected to my children and family and times when I cannot clearly recognize them. There are times when I feel so full of insight and times when I feel like these are insights that any child should be able to have or cannot put two and two together. There are times when my body feels so healthy and times when I am wracked with pain. There are times when I feel so full of life and times when I feel like dying.

The experience of those of us who have lived lives through dissociative coping and are healing is chock full of contradictions like these. It absolutely must be that way. All those contradictions have been with us forever. That's really not at all new. We simply weren't aware of them before. For most of our lives, we have survived precisely by avoiding the very contradictions we now must face. It was an ingenious strategy. It worked wonderfully when we needed it to. But many of us find that it is severely limiting in the here and now.

Healing, to me, means a commitment to increasing awareness and a commitment to continue to cultivate that awareness despite the short term pains it may give us. I have written before that healing is a messy thing. It's very messy! It's full of friction. Sometimes the price we pay for that awareness seems overwhelming and too much to bear. "We cannot do it anymore!" we often find ourselves writing (or screaming out loud).

But, there are glimpses of what that awareness can ultimately lead to. Otherwise, we wouldn't continue down the healing path.

It may mean being able to curb harmful behaviors. It may mean being able to sometimes genuinely "feel", whether it be experiencing sorrow or grief or joy or love or anger. It may mean being able to sometimes see yourself for who you really are; the big picture, so to speak.

If you are now saddled with contradictions, you have already made the decision that you want something more than what dissociation can give you.

The process of healing through increased awareness is the process of personal change and growth. It's not linear. It's not for the faint of heart. It takes courage. It takes strength. It takes hope and perseverance. For many, it takes faith in something greater than ourselves.

If any of this resonates with you, congratulations. I wish you well in your healing journey.

What does healing mean to you?

In a little square in downtown Boston, there's a memorial for the Irish famine. There are two statues; one shows a family of three dying of hunger (pictured) and the other shows the same family full of hope (which I presume is after they've fled to Boston). In the statue on hope, the family is rather well-dressed, they appear striding forward, yet looking off in different directions. In the hunger statue, the mother's hands are reaching up as if pleading with God. The father and son are hopeless, with hands open as if waiting for help. Their food basket is empty.

When I saw this, I couldn't help but see distinct identities and the parallels to my own life. I viewed them all as one unit, just as I view myself as a dissociative. Often we can have hope one minute and despair the next and often they can exist at the same time. There is old and young, male and female, those who protect and those who are hopeless.

But, it is who we are as a whole that is most important. As a whole we do not give up. As a whole we march forward, sometimes into the dark forest of the unknown. As a whole we speak our pain. As a whole we search for truth. As a whole we mend our heart. As a whole we search for love. As a whole we heal.

A few years ago, Karl Paulnack from The Boston Conservatory gave the following speech to parents of incoming students. Please feel free to read the entire speech as it's well worth the read. I'll post here some excerpts and then some brief commentary.

Music has been rather absent from my own life as of late and I want, and need, to change that. But it's been an integral part of who I am and it's been an important part of my healing. One of the changes in my therapy and healing work over the past year or more is that I've not relied solely on talk and thinking. Sometimes there are no words and it's not about intellectual understanding and staying in my head.

Sometimes what I really need is to listen to Beethoven's "Grosse Fugue", Mozart's "Mass in C Minor", a Bach Cello Suite, Green Day or Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, Sarah McLachlan or Journey.

Music not only grounds me on some fundamental level, it allows me to feel. And, in particular, it allows me to feel what I need to feel. This is true of both listening and playing music on my piano. It allows me to heal my heart, or at least attend to my heart.

I'll write much more about music in future posts. I just wanted to dip my toes in the music waters for now. And I will write about the process of doing art (e.g., drawing and painting) and how it is also heart healing.

Awakenings is a 1990 film based on the true story of doctor Oliver Sacks' efforts in the late 1960s to help patients at a hospital in the Bronx who had been victims of an atypical form of encephalitis. Also known as "sleepy sickness", this form of encephalitis left some victims catatonic and was a worldwide epidemic just after World War I.

I remember the movie as having a huge impact on me. I was fascinated that these patients were so "absent" and the fictionalized Dr. Sayer (played by Robin Williams) made such an effort to "reach" them when most had given up. The movie was dramatic and showed Dr. Sayer finding that he could get through their catatonic states by throwing a ball at them which some caught or playing certain pieces of music which generated emotional reactions in some others. After learning of the use of L-Dopa on Parkinson's patients, Dr. Sayer tried it on his own with dramatic results. The patients experienced "awakenings" and were in complete touch with reality, although their loss of decades was puzzling to them.

It's a sad tale because the healing effects of the miraculous drug did not last. One of the patients, Leonard played by Robert DeNiro, became romantically involved with a woman during his awakening. But eventually began to experience a reemergence of symptoms and then returned to his catatonic state, as did all the other patients despite increases in the drug.

While an extreme example, this story has parallels to the lives of dissociatives. This has become clear to me over the past year or so as I've been able to pay more attention inside.

Dissociation is a "presence disorder". I could describe a lot of my experiences as being "absent" from the perspective of various parts of my psyche. For most of us, the way our systems have been set up allows only a small part of us to be engaged in life at any given time. In some ways, part of us is alive and most of us is catatonic. That's an exaggeration, of course, but perhaps not too much. While I realize that internal parts have their own interactions with the outside world which can exist in parallel with other parts, their awareness is not always present with other parts. Dissociation (and DID) is about fluctuating levels of consciousness.

This weekend I had a remarkable experience. I felt alive.

It was an "awakening" for me of the sort I had not experienced in quite some time. In reality I did not do so much. I did some yard work. I cleaned the house. I played with the kids. I went to a neighborhood party. And, yes, I do these things regularly. But this weekend's experience was different. It was not just a matter of having excess energy. "All of me" was more present and the enthusiasm for life was way beyond what is normal for me.

I also played "Capture the Flag" right alongside my kids and the neighbor kids. My kids have been playing that game for years and I never bothered to ask about it. Yesterday, to their enjoyment and amazement, I asked to play. I felt like a 10 year old in an adult body. But It did not at all feel bad. It felt great. I cannot even say I felt dissociated or that I switched. It felt normal.

I remember saying all weekend: "This is how I want my life to be."

When we all came in and got ready for bed, I ended up reading out loud to my oldest daughter. It seemed so natural, I enjoyed it immensely and read with excitement. Then I could not help but recall that I have not read out loud to her for several years. I could not for the life of me understand why that was the case. We used to read out loud almost every night. We went through most of the Nancy Drew mysteries. Again, my "awakening".

So, as she fell asleep, I could not help wonder where I would end up in the coming days. Would the awakening continue? Or would it, like in the story of those unfortunate patients, disappear?

One of the things I like best about Faith's blog Blooming Lotus is that she's not afraid to bring up really important topics. Two interesting discussions there are: Using Pornography that Mirrors Your Child Abuse and Consensual Sex Mirroring Child Abuse. Be aware that the posts may be triggering and contain explicit sexual content.

I wrote around the edges of this topic, from a personal perspective back in July in First Post on Sex and Parental Trust. I'd like to talk about the subject again, from a less personal perspective this time.

Sexual healing is probably the least talked about subject in the clinical literature of childhood trauma. And it's one of the most difficult subjects to bring up in therapy. It's much easier to talk about post-traumatic and dissociative symptoms. And if sex is used as self-injury, it seems easier to talk about practically any other form of self-injury except sex.

But as I said before, the healing journey is messy and is certainly not easy. For those of us who were abused in sexual ways as children, it's important to understand that sexual healing is a quite necessary part of healing. Somehow we need to find ways to overcome the shame and guilt and talk about who we are sexually. This is especially true if we consider who we are sexually to be too deviant or what we believe is not normal.

Human sexuality is one of the core aspects of our being. Of course, for those of us abused sexually as children, sex is probably not going to be so "normal". This is just a simple fact. For us, sexuality was affected in profound ways.

Mark Schwartz and Lori Galperin wrote an excellent article titled "Hyposexuality and Hypersexuality Secondary to Childhood Trauma and Dissociation" (Journal of Trauma and Dissociation, Vol. 3, No. 4, 2002). They wrote of the interplay between sexual acting out and dissociation, and suggested that being able to talk about the details of the experiences in therapy helped to decrease dissociation which then lessened the risk of behaviors. According to them, it all goes back to dissociation. If we can become more present, we gain more control. I tend to agree with their assessment as this has been the case for me.

We have heard this before, but it's worth saying again, that "when sexual abuse occurs, sexual arousal often becomes activated prematurely, but within a context of betrayal, fear, confusion, shame and violence," according to Schwartz and Galperin. What this means is that there is a linking between sexuality and violence that otherwise would not be there. And we have heard before that hypersexuality is "often a reenactment of the original incident repeated over and over." This reenactment is about control and mastery.

But there is no resolution. According to Schwartz and Galperin "it is as if the brain is unable to assimilate the overwhelming, confusing and often contradictory behavior, affect, sensations and knowledge implicit in the sexual abuse and thereby drives the person to repeat in order to finally establish a solution" or to complete the stress response cycle. While I think they are talking about physical sexual acting out behaviors, I think this holds true for continuous sexual fantasies, use of pornography, and masturbation which are all in the context of re-enacting abuse.

So, we were both conditioned and injured.

I don't have many answers to this problem. But I do think that sexual healing is similar to other aspects of trauma healing and that we, as survivors, do need to talk about it. I know it has something to do with acceptance and validation, in the beginning. I have talked many times here about acceptance. Acceptance of where we are at seems to allow us to plot a course for change. And, of course, overcoming the shame is crucial.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts. As always, please be careful in your comments in regards to content that may be triggering to others.