Awakenings: An Extreme Example
Awakenings is a 1990 film based on the true story of doctor Oliver Sacks' efforts in the late 1960s to help patients at a hospital in the Bronx who had been victims of an atypical form of encephalitis. Also known as "sleepy sickness", this form of encephalitis left some victims catatonic and was a worldwide epidemic just after World War I.
I remember the movie as having a huge impact on me. I was fascinated that these patients were so "absent" and the fictionalized Dr. Sayer (played by Robin Williams) made such an effort to "reach" them when most had given up. The movie was dramatic and showed Dr. Sayer finding that he could get through their catatonic states by throwing a ball at them which some caught or playing certain pieces of music which generated emotional reactions in some others. After learning of the use of L-Dopa on Parkinson's patients, Dr. Sayer tried it on his own with dramatic results. The patients experienced "awakenings" and were in complete touch with reality, although their loss of decades was puzzling to them.
It's a sad tale because the healing effects of the miraculous drug did not last. One of the patients, Leonard played by Robert DeNiro, became romantically involved with a woman during his awakening. But eventually began to experience a reemergence of symptoms and then returned to his catatonic state, as did all the other patients despite increases in the drug.
While an extreme example, this story has parallels to the lives of dissociatives. This has become clear to me over the past year or so as I've been able to pay more attention inside.
Dissociation is a "presence disorder". I could describe a lot of my experiences as being "absent" from the perspective of various parts of my psyche. For most of us, the way our systems have been set up allows only a small part of us to be engaged in life at any given time. In some ways, part of us is alive and most of us is catatonic. That's an exaggeration, of course, but perhaps not too much. While I realize that internal parts have their own interactions with the outside world which can exist in parallel with other parts, their awareness is not always present with other parts. Dissociation (and DID) is about fluctuating levels of consciousness.
This weekend I had a remarkable experience. I felt alive.
It was an "awakening" for me of the sort I had not experienced in quite some time. In reality I did not do so much. I did some yard work. I cleaned the house. I played with the kids. I went to a neighborhood party. And, yes, I do these things regularly. But this weekend's experience was different. It was not just a matter of having excess energy. "All of me" was more present and the enthusiasm for life was way beyond what is normal for me.
I also played "Capture the Flag" right alongside my kids and the neighbor kids. My kids have been playing that game for years and I never bothered to ask about it. Yesterday, to their enjoyment and amazement, I asked to play. I felt like a 10 year old in an adult body. But It did not at all feel bad. It felt great. I cannot even say I felt dissociated or that I switched. It felt normal.
I remember saying all weekend: "This is how I want my life to be."
When we all came in and got ready for bed, I ended up reading out loud to my oldest daughter. It seemed so natural, I enjoyed it immensely and read with excitement. Then I could not help but recall that I have not read out loud to her for several years. I could not for the life of me understand why that was the case. We used to read out loud almost every night. We went through most of the Nancy Drew mysteries. Again, my "awakening".
So, as she fell asleep, I could not help wonder where I would end up in the coming days. Would the awakening continue? Or would it, like in the story of those unfortunate patients, disappear?
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Yes, I can relate totally to this. That feeling of not being "here" all the time is why I can get so depressed: I know what I feel like when I'm all here and then to realize I'm not running all all cylinders can be devastating. I want it all, not snippets. I want to live every moment of my life, not give it up to "someone" else. My biggest worry has been that I will not die as me, but an alter will die in my place and I will not know I have gone.
I'm happy that you have this weekend the way it should be.
Ivory, yes, thanks... it was a nice weekend. And unfortunately it did not last, not one bit.
This is great news Paul! So happy for you. I wonder what it will be like someday. It just seems normal to me to have thoughts and ideas one minute and then to just have them vanish or to be talking about something and then to lose it in the middle and forget what I was talking about. My life in general is "blurry" alot. Some days are worse. I feel like an observer watching the world and floating my way thru but not really being a part of it. So much of my life seems like a superficial dream with no real meaning to it or bigger picture. It is weird and kinda disturbing to me but I just numb out and go with it. Seems like this is what I have always done. I look forward to experiencing the other side of this. At some point in therapy that should start happening. My T tells me that I have to try to focus on being "present" and that will take work. I must succeed at this.
Thanks Nansie. You wrote "I must succeed at this." What a wonderful statement.
Amazing! I have, for months, been trying to remember the name of that movie. It had a HUGE impact on me, too, and I wanted to show it to my children for this very reason.
It's amazing how it can, in parallel, affect the both of us.
And yes, you are not alone, I feel at times I'm in a fog with things around me, then one day I wake up and I'm in the middle, interacting.
The next, sometimes the fog again, sometimes I'm "awake" for days, weeks! But I do end up back again. On medication and off I had the same experience, so I know that is probably not the answer. I'm thinking journals or awareness activities/exercises would be a solution.
The movie was based on the Oliver Sacks book. You may enjoy that too. I think the "fog" is one of the hallmarks of being dissociative. So, I think many are in this boat. But when I was "awake", it was sure a different level of experience for me. I would like to think the effort I'm putting into healing is helping. And, yes, writing and consciously paying attention I think are the skills we need to learn.
Hi Paul. I am glad that you were able to feel good and present and 'awake'. I am very familiar with all that you wrote about here and I am writing to tell you what my therapist has told me many times and what I am beginning to see for myself as being very much true: You will start to have this experience of feeling real and alive and awake more and more frequently and for longer periods of time.
I think it is hard to realize and accept but all of the divisions in a divided mind were created for a reason. It takes time to learn about and experience those different ways and to start to tolerate the feeling of being real after having lived most of a life feeling 'not real' and being 'not present'.
Jenny, This is great to know. The only thing is that I'm now aware that the weekend wasn't all "awake". There was some switching and lost time too. But, the feeling was good nonetheless. I think your therapist is right. I think this is an experience we can learn to achieve as we heal. Thanks!
And, just to clarify, I am not someone that feels "integration" is the answer, I am someone that feels "alertness and positivity" is.
Some might find that hypocritical but if you knew what was in my head it might make more sense. I have issue with being "fixed" and from your comment above, you seem to feel the same, Paul. It's like your insides are saying "yes, I had a good weekend, but I'M NOT FIXED!" and in my opinion, that's OKAY!
In fact, I feel that if we take this survival method we have been using and make it a positive talent, that you can overcome without integrating your personalities/parts/system, and be better off than those I call "singletons".
I know many disagree, but I just wanted to reassure you that this awake time you had is a good thing and it doesn't mean you have to lose your system or who you all are. It just means you can share and it's safe.
Cat, Thanks! Integration is such an ill-defined concept. I think people do think it means fixed. We cannot be fixed. I have accepted that. What made PARTS of the weekend so special was that I was able to experience some of the joys of childhood. It certainly was not an integrated experience. Perhaps I could say "co-conscious".
I agree with you completely Cat! I do not want to be fixed. I consider what happened with us all a gift and I don't want to lose that. I have so many places in my mind that I can go to and I want to keep them. They are mine.
Hi Paul,
This movie resonated with me on so many different levels. When I first started watching it, I began to wonder what those patients were really thinking, even though they couldn't communicate. Surely they had thoughts and feelings no one could see or understand. Hmmm, a lot like my insides. Being trapped in one's own mind and body with no means of expression or human interaction. Isn't that why parts developed in the first place? Watching how they were tossed aside, no one really wanting to bother with them until Dr. Sayer. An unspoken hero who refused to give up on those who were deemed incapable of showing any kind of improvement. I don't know how many times during this journey I have felt and verbalized that there doesn't seem to be any improvement, so why even bother. The "awakenings" they experienced while being in touch with reality and yet at the same time having lost decades is sure an awful lot like becoming aware of parts. The parts have to learn that indeed (in my case) decades have passed and that is reality. I don't believe that the awakenings disappear. They become a part of your experience. I love the term co-conscious and because of this state I have been able to play, relate to, understand and enjoy my children. It is sad how so many parents forget what it is like to be a child or a teenager, so they cannot relate to them. If nothing else, that has been a valuable asset to me. The one thing that blows my mind about this movie is how one doctor can care so much to not waiver in his treatment of those patients. It is the same characteristic that I have heard many experience from their therapists.
Hi Quiet One, It's been so long since I saw that movie. And I know now that if I did watch it now, I would be aware of so much more. It may be something worth doing. Or maybe I'll read the book. It may be a good idea to read a book once a decade! What a lovely thought to think the awakenings become part of our experience. I don't really feel that, but maybe. So, I have to ask, since so many "normal" adults forget what it's like to be a child, do they realize they are missing anything? Does it bother them? I know what you mean about the caring therapist. I tend to think that's a crucial ingredient in healing and I'm glad to have a wonderful therapist who does care so much.
Paul, thank you for sharing this. What you wrote about that movie made me think of something that happened to me. I rarely watch movies because of attention span problems and derealization, but I once saw a movie called 'The Notebook'. It was about an elderly couple and the wife had Alzheimer's. She didn't recognize people, etc. Her husband tried everything to get her to come around and sometimes he was temporarily successful. There was a scene near the end where he arranged a private dinner date for them and made it very special and began talking to her about their early courtship, and then -- she was suddenly okay (temporarily, of course). The first thing she asked when she 'came around' was "how long?" She was asking him how long she was usually 'herself' before she would be 'gone' again. He said something like only a few minutes. I started to cry then, but I could not turn off the movie. Sure enough, in a few minutes, while they were dancing, she lost it and it started with something like, "Who are you? Get away from me. Don't touch me." And then she started screaming for help and I totally lost it. I'm glad no one else was around because I started crying and screaming and the snot was flowing... it was HORRIBLE. I couldn't get out of bed the next day and I was very depressed for nearly two weeks. I didn't understand why at the time. Sometimes I wish I still didn't understand NOW. Sometimes the pain and the weight of this are more than I can stand. I can't even explain how grateful I am for the internet and other people who are willing to share. I'm not sure I would still be here if not for that. Thank you for sharing.
Ahh, yes Ethereal, the movie "The Notebook". I saw that a few years ago and I also couldn't stop crying. I had no idea why. I just burst out in tears and sobbed and sobbed. I think I somehow saw a connection between this couple and me and my wife. At the time, I was very symptomatic and not very "accessible". I watched it with my wife and she held me. I have thought about watching it again. I may.
I also saw the Notebook. I really loved the movie. It was amazing to me how much that man loved his wife and the way he hung in there with her. I believe inner pain can be soothed and healed with the right care. I don't know how to comfort myself or sooth myself though. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can learn this about myself?
That's a big question Nansie. The beginning is certainly about paying attention and being more aware.
Self care, now that is a topic all on its own. Perhaps you would like to start one Paul?
OMG! I am so glad I read this, today. I'm going to post on my website in refference to this blog post, right now.
Thank you Paul
In my excitement, I didn't even mention how happy I am for you for the wonderful day of "awakening you had, and how you spent it with your children. I am sure your children will treasure days like the one you described, throughout their lives.
Thanks Shen!
It is really amazing to me that we can have these experiences...seemingly out of the blue. A sense of "normalness" or "completeness" or "aliveness" or of "copresence" or whatever you want to call it. Perhaps it is many names for the same experience...or maybe it is actually different experiences. I don't know.
I just know that, when I experience something that I intuitively know is "good" and shows progress, I rejoice. I try to embrace every second to the fullest because I never know how long it will last.
It is not always easy to do that, though. Sometimes, when something good like what you experienced happens, it is difficult to get into it. A fear wants to raise up that it will be gone, disappearing like a cloud blown away. I have to fight that and just embrace it, learning to cherish every moment of it.
I have not seen either movie, although I had heard of them. The Notebook reminds me of another movie called "A Vow to Cherish". It, too, is about a woman who comes down with Alzheimers.
Thank you for sharing, Paul.