Giving Up Rant

I'm so discouraged. The last post sounds like it was written by someone who has no concept of how hard things really are. It sounds like it was written by an academic who understands the theory, but lives in an "Ivory Tower".

The reality is that the theory is not anywhere close to the whole story. But, as I look back on this blog, I cannot help but get the sense that it's very much focussed on theory, lecturing, and intellectual understanding. I never make a post about anything personally difficult, unless it's framed in that way. This means nothing is written "off the cuff" and nothing comes from an intensely personal and emotional space.

That is not where I am right now. So, this post will be different from all the rest.

Right now I don't see the hope.

Right now I want to give up.

Right now I feel sick, bad, dirty, disgusting, evil, worthless, stupid, and foolish. And, out of control.

I've made such a huge effort over the past couple years to control everything, thinking I know so much. My "control everything" strategy is foolhardy. I should be finding a way to listen and communicate. I should allow parts to have a say. But I don't do that, except on rare occasions.

In fact, I am really in the dark on some of the major issues that face me. I know so little about my system, yet talk a good game and pretend that I really do.

I don't understand how anything really works. This site may sound like I do a lot of "accepting". But, in reality, I am more often thinking I'm a liar and a fake. I doubt parts. I want them gone! I doubt any abuse. I think I'm just some pervert making it up.

This all came to a head because I had a part that was destructive and self-harming. He got on board eventually and knew he couldn't be self-harming.

And what happens? There's another part that I barely know that basically took his place. Except now, it's worse! What this part wants to do is more harming than what the other part wanted to do.

I feel so stupid. I just want to give up.

Maybe this is really something that I cannot solve. That I cannot heal from. So, what's the fucking use of trying?

"Emotional Rants" posts have comments disabled because they aren't meant for group discussion. If you want to contact me offline, that's fine and appreciated. That feels safer to me. Thanks for understanding.