Trauma and Sexuality
One of the things I like best about Faith's blog Blooming Lotus is that she's not afraid to bring up really important topics. Two interesting discussions there are: Using Pornography that Mirrors Your Child Abuse and Consensual Sex Mirroring Child Abuse. Be aware that the posts may be triggering and contain explicit sexual content.
I wrote around the edges of this topic, from a personal perspective back in July in First Post on Sex and Parental Trust. I'd like to talk about the subject again, from a less personal perspective this time.
Sexual healing is probably the least talked about subject in the clinical literature of childhood trauma. And it's one of the most difficult subjects to bring up in therapy. It's much easier to talk about post-traumatic and dissociative symptoms. And if sex is used as self-injury, it seems easier to talk about practically any other form of self-injury except sex.
But as I said before, the healing journey is messy and is certainly not easy. For those of us who were abused in sexual ways as children, it's important to understand that sexual healing is a quite necessary part of healing. Somehow we need to find ways to overcome the shame and guilt and talk about who we are sexually. This is especially true if we consider who we are sexually to be too deviant or what we believe is not normal.
Human sexuality is one of the core aspects of our being. Of course, for those of us abused sexually as children, sex is probably not going to be so "normal". This is just a simple fact. For us, sexuality was affected in profound ways.
Mark Schwartz and Lori Galperin wrote an excellent article titled "Hyposexuality and Hypersexuality Secondary to Childhood Trauma and Dissociation" (Journal of Trauma and Dissociation, Vol. 3, No. 4, 2002). They wrote of the interplay between sexual acting out and dissociation, and suggested that being able to talk about the details of the experiences in therapy helped to decrease dissociation which then lessened the risk of behaviors. According to them, it all goes back to dissociation. If we can become more present, we gain more control. I tend to agree with their assessment as this has been the case for me.
We have heard this before, but it's worth saying again, that "when sexual abuse occurs, sexual arousal often becomes activated prematurely, but within a context of betrayal, fear, confusion, shame and violence," according to Schwartz and Galperin. What this means is that there is a linking between sexuality and violence that otherwise would not be there. And we have heard before that hypersexuality is "often a reenactment of the original incident repeated over and over." This reenactment is about control and mastery.
But there is no resolution. According to Schwartz and Galperin "it is as if the brain is unable to assimilate the overwhelming, confusing and often contradictory behavior, affect, sensations and knowledge implicit in the sexual abuse and thereby drives the person to repeat in order to finally establish a solution" or to complete the stress response cycle. While I think they are talking about physical sexual acting out behaviors, I think this holds true for continuous sexual fantasies, use of pornography, and masturbation which are all in the context of re-enacting abuse.
So, we were both conditioned and injured.
I don't have many answers to this problem. But I do think that sexual healing is similar to other aspects of trauma healing and that we, as survivors, do need to talk about it. I know it has something to do with acceptance and validation, in the beginning. I have talked many times here about acceptance. Acceptance of where we are at seems to allow us to plot a course for change. And, of course, overcoming the shame is crucial.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts. As always, please be careful in your comments in regards to content that may be triggering to others.
Your blog has been enlightening and informational. I follow both Mind Parts and Blooming Lotus. Thank you for daring to write about the sexual healing issue.
Although I had been in therapy before, I never dealt with the sexual abuse I endured as a child and the repressed memories I have been trying to ignore for more than 30 years; I have just begun my healing journey with a knowledgeable therapist. I now have a better understanding of who I am. I now know I am not flawed.
You blog (as does Faith's) gives me comfort because I know I'm not alone. I understand that I am not a weak minded person with character flaws.
Both of your posts on healing sexually makes what I am up against real, but it also gives me hope.
I maintain a blog which is really a daily journal of how I am managing my recovery and the binge eating I use at times to cope. Writing daily keeps me focused reading blogs like yours keeps me connected to the reality I am up against.
Thanks,
Fat Girl Oreo
Thanks Oreo. I am happy to check out your site. I am glad that what's been written recently about sex has helped you. We all need to be reminded that we are not weak. That's a hard one. Thanks for writing.
This article is so on point that I can completely connect with all of it. At a young age being sexually abused not only is damaging but also injects an awareness into the child that they are not ready for and becomes a glich in the other phases of development that are in process. To have this awareness injected say at an age of five and then associated in the context that it was delivered is a tragedy that is lifelong. When an association such as this is made at such a young age it is very strongly implanted and so hard to shake. I have so much shame attached to sex that I really have to work at having a healthy sexual relationship with my husband. He understands completely but to me it is so sad to see the branches of my abuse and the effects it can bring into relationships around me. This is bigger than a tragedy. I feel like it cheats him and somewhat oppresses what are considered normal and healthy and play activities that happen outside of having sex. I don't know about anyone else but I feel like I was ruined at a very young age when it comes to sex. My husband and I do have a healthy relationship but I really have to focus on the "here and now" and the beauty of two people who love and are committed to each other. I believe that sex was meant to be beautiful and pure between a loving couple...the innocence of that was destroyed however. I have to fight to get to "good". I hope I didn't trigger anyone. I am hoping that this is a subject we can all really talk about on this blog. I think we could offer each other alot of insights on this topic. I hope.....
Nansie, thanks! I do hear you on the shame and I think that's an important piece. For me, I've been working on this a rather long time and I got over the shame shortly after I started working on it. It took me many many years to be able to talk about it in therapy, but once I did it was really not that big a deal. I realized that what I said didn't shock therapists at all and that not only were they open to talking about sex issues, they encouraged it. I think for me, in the present, the shame is not such a big deal also because the sex exists in a part and I consider that very separate from me. So, the way I look at it is that, yes, there is a piece about shame and it's a hurdle, but once we move past that hurdle it gets much easier.
Hi, Paul -
Thank you for being so brave. This is a topic that needs to have light shined on it.
I have to say that my personal experience is in alignment with what you have written: that the use of violent and degrading pornography and fantasies has been compulsive and often the only means of sexual "release". It leaves me feeling dirty and ashamed.
As I'm moving forward in my healing journey, I'm finding my need for such outlets is lessening and I'm starting to move back into my body, and starting to think of my body as a source of pleasure.
Thank you, again!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
Thank you Marie. When someone says I'm brave, I want to run and hide. But, on some level I think it's good to hear! I am so glad you are finding sexual healing.
Thank you for sharing this information Paul, it helps me to understand many of our behaviours regarding intimacy.
Reading this made me question whether our sense of shame and guilt is also part of the linking Schwartz and Galperin discuss... The article mentions that we learn to link violence and sexuality, but I wonder if we also learn to link the sense of shame as well? As part of my abuse I was told that it was all my fault and that I was shameful for causing it to happen. So, I wonder if this became an associative link for me and other survivors who experienced something similar? The article mentions the context of shame and embarrassment, so could this context also becomes part of the conditioned response? That is, I look for (and expect) shame as part of the sexual act as well. That sense of shame is then compounded by our adult understanding of what has happened.
Sorry for the rambling comment, but you got me thinking...
As a note, there is a nearly full reproduction of the article in Trauma and Sexuality: The Effects of Childhood Sexual, Physical, and Emotional Abuse on Sexual Identity and Behavior edited by James Chu and Elisabeth Bowman through Google Books. It's close enough to a full reproduction to make you want to read the entire article, and possibly the book too.
Kind regards,
M
Castorgirl, Leave it to you to find the actual article. I had the book. I am sure that we learned shame really young. But I think it was dissociated off very neatly, at least for me. I think there are layers and layers of links that are made, which mirror the layers and layers of our dissociated psyches. And untangling all of these and healing is really huge work. One of my main points was to say that we cannot ignore this sexual healing. It's really crucial.
Well, we are librarians :) It was frustrating to find the article only partially freely available...
Yes, I know what you mean about many links being created. I think for us, if there was an indication that the shame was also linked, it would help us to understand it all a little more.
I totally agree about needing to look at sexual healing as a part of the healing journey. It's just that we look at anything sexual with such a mix of emotions - very few of them positive. This makes it a difficult subject to raise, which is why I appreciate this entry and the ones over at Blooming Lotus. They make us feel a little less isolated and crazy.
Take care,
castorgirl
I have so many questions in this area. I guess I don't expect an answer to them but I'd like to say a few things on this subject.
When I'm extremely traumatized by a therapy session, usually when we discuss sexual abuse I come straight home to my partner. It's not that I'm aroused by the conversation. I think it's that I'm trying to hurt myself with sex, use it as a means of self injury. I guess my question is this, is it possible that a survivor's body will automatically kick into sexual mode after being triggered? Why do I immediately need to come home for sex? It seems if I don't I can't even think or function. I figure there's something wrong with me. I know for certain I'm not turned on by the abuse but I don't know why my body automatically says "this is what I need to do and you can't function 'till you do it." I figured I was one truly sick chick but I never had a chance to express that until I read this today. So many questions, so many concerns about this subject. Can you suggest a book or two?
Faith
Hi Faith!
I have some thoughts on this that I hope may help you. Remember that in therapy we are reliving our trauma and working it out in a healthy manner this time. Thru that healthy manner we are reprocessing and resettling events with the help of the therapist. This time the overload or trauma will be dispursed throughout our minds in a way that will help us put it to rest so that it doesn't continue to manifest itself in the way that it did when we were too young to handle it. After therapy alot of new processing is going on. SO...getting to your question. It is normal and healthy for you to come home to your partner and have sex. Only this time you are experiencing as more of a whole person because of the new processing going on of the old info that is being put to rest and allowing new more healthy stuff to emerge. It is very healthy that you come home and do this. Of course you are craving sex. Part of you is being freed up that you have never experienced. And then the negative stuff is reprocessing and enabling you to be more free and experience sex in a healthier manner which is new and wonderful for you. Of course you want this! Us suvivors have never experienced sex without emotional complications but when we do...look out! It seems to me that we will want to make up for lost time! Congrads to you and I can't wait to get there!
Faith, I think it all hinges on how you feel about it. If you come home to sex right after talking about abuse and feel as though it's self-injury, then you are probably being triggered and it's not the healthiest for you. I understand Nansie's point and I think that, yes, we do need to learn about sex in a way that is more whole. But I don't think this is your experience. The only book I have on the subject is "The Sexual Healing Journey". I find it a bit on the lean side in terms of dealing with some of the tough issues. But it's probably a good start and it's under $10 on Amazon.
You are right, sex is rarely discussed - and for good reason. For me, it is a form of punishment, a result of weakness, and the ultimate ritual proof that one is helpless and hopeless. It is the one act that tears the most personal and intimate act from me and makes it intrusive and humiliating. No, I don't like discussing it. My T doesn't even want to discuss it.
I have visited this post many times and could not bring myself to read it because of the title. I had an actual comment a minute ago. My brain seems to have erased it. Oh, well. No biggie. I hate sex anyway. Just being able to do it once every couple of months without having a nervous breakdown or having my immune system attack my genitals because of it is the best I can do. I guess I don't have much choice but to be okay with that. I can't screw around too much with the health of the body. It might do something to make me pay and I'm deathly afraid of doctors.
Ethereal, I know what you mean. I am like that on posts about religion. Can't go there. I am glad you are taking care of your body.
Ivory, I hear you that you don't like discussing it. But you said how you feel about it very well. You put everything I ever wanted to say on the subject into a few words. Thanks.
Most of the time I can live without sex. I feel that it's over-rated and dirty. I also feel that that part of me was destroyed at a very young age and will never be right. I have another part that does this for me: "Sammie". I know some stuff about her but mostly that she is a fun person. She goes to parties and is very outgoing and always knows the right stuff to say to make ppl laugh and all the things I wish I could do. She makes fun things happen and everyone loves her. I don't really know much about her details. But I do know that I love my husband and want him to have normalcy in his life as much as I can handle it. I want the effects of this mess to stop at me and go no further. I must heal it and not let "them" (the abusers) get any further than they did. I hope this makes sense. I want so much to experience life as it was meant to be and not thru the haze that my abusers left me in. I hate what they did to that little girl, they destroyed her and I fear that she can't be healed. She is just a ragdoll with long straggley brown hair and big brown eyes that have this shocked look in them. I get so dizzy writing this. She will never "tell" because she can't find the right words and I don't know what to do. I hope I didn't trigger anyone! I try to be very careful when I write and stay positive about stuff but sometimes things just get through me that I didn't plan.
Nansie, This is usually my position too, that I don't want what's going on with me to seep into my family life. I give you more credit. I don't think they destroyed that little girl. Damaged, sure. But you are working at healing and making progress.
Faith made a new post, which is very relevant to this one. You can find it at this link: http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2009/09/04/challenges-with-sex-after-child-sexual-abuse/
It has taken me a while to go through all of the stuff you wrote and the other blogs you mentioned here and the articles, and I felt a need to look at it all before commenting.
There is a lot of really helpful information here, and I thank you and commend you on your courage for posting it and for facing your own fears and memories. I could relate to so much of what I read. On one hand, it felt good to know that my own behaviors and quirks are not uncommon and to hear others share that they deal with a lot of the same things.
On the other hand, I feel so much anger right now that something done to me so long ago has had such a profound affect on me. It isn't the first time I've realized it, but I guess I saw it anew, today, as I read through this and revisited my own sense of shame.
Mostly, I don't feel much of anything when I am with anyone. My body just seems to be separate from me and unresponsive. When I'm alone, I can feel things in what I assume is a pretty normal way, but the things that response are related to feeling like a victim, feeling helpless, feeling degraded and the shame that others have described always follows.
I have taken a few weeks off from most of my therapy related issues, including sexual healing, but I am going to be pushing forward again, starting this week. I saw my therapist today and have a list of things I want to get back to, including two books on sexual healing. I am scared and very tentative about it, in a way, but reading all of this has made me realize how important it is that I resolve this within myself. Sexuality is not supposed to be degrading, shameful, or something to be avoided. It is a normal part of adult life, and I want to be able to experience it as such.
I have a lot more I could say, but I think I will leave it at that, for now.
Thanks again, Paul, for another excellent post.
Sexuality is such a loaded issue. It requires so much vulnerability and trust. When awakened too soon and with the wrong person, it really messes us over.
I have had to work really hard on overcoming the barriers to being sexual with my spouse. I am no where near where "normal" is...normal being a healthy, interacting, both enjoying to the fullest kind of sexuality. However, I am a whole lot farther than I was. I suspect it will be a lifelong struggle.
Motivation helps a lot. I am not really motivated to overcome my struggles for myself, although I know my spouse wishes I wanted it for myself. I am motivated by my love for him. We are married. He has every right to expect physical intimacy to be a part of that. If he was looking for a platonic relationship...what is the point of marriage? So, out of love for him...my best friend...I try hard. He respects my struggles and has learned not to push. I respect his patience and keep working at it. Seriously...if he were to die...I doubt that I would get remarried...mainly because of this very issue.
It is definitely an area that should, perhaps, be addressed more. I think survivors need to know there IS hope. We can push through things. We can work on our healing...and yes, it can and will make a difference. It just might take a very long time to see the difference. It also helps if you have a VERY understanding and VERY patient spouse! Even with a patient spouse, you can end up going backward every time you go forward. Without one...it can be extremely difficult to make any kind of progress.
Just my thoughts.
Thanks OneSurvivor! Your thoughts are really spot on and helpful. I hear what you say about normal marriage relations. For me that is so far down on my list of priorities right now. But, it is on my todo list. It's obvious you are working really hard at this for yourself and this gives me (and probably others) hope that things can change.