Where to Go Now?
So, I'm in a particularly delicate position right now. Well, actually that's the problem. The position I'm in seems to change. From one extreme reality to another extreme reality. That's another post all to itself, which I will get to soon. But, the extreme changes have got me thinking...
Last week I posted my Giving Up Rant. I really was at rock bottom there and kind of stayed in this place. I guess I'm still there. Well, that's not true. I had a breakthrough on Saturday and then another this morning. But, I cannot easily keep track.
The week before that I posted My Take on What Healing Means. That was one of those "You can do it!" cheerleader posts. And just before that I posted Awakenings, which was that transformative experience when everything seemed to fit together just so perfectly.
So, I'm sort of taking stock of where I'm at. And I went through and looked at pretty much all of my previous posts dating back to April of this year when I started blogging. With the exception of some stray posts, they were all pretty much about the positive aspects of healing and, more or less, had to do with acceptance or working to get to that place of acceptance. Indeed, I wrote the Acceptance post upon leaving the hospital in August. I can easily see how I would be quite unhappy about all these posts when I am in the depths of despair.
It is precisely this "dichotomy" that has me taking stock.
I have been struggling a bit with whether the blog is really helpful for me. I think it is. The wonderfully supportive comments from all of you kind and caring people helped me stay in this place of acceptance. I appreciate them all for their validation and ability to get me to think. I especially like it when people offer alternative views. Largely, the blog allows me to synthesize my healing journey and put a good face on it, so to speak. I think that's good. But it's not enough. It doesn't fully respect the parts of me who really aren't on board with this process and fight against it. And it presents a sort of unitary voice, the sort of intellectual voice.
I know that for me, framing things in an intellectual kind of way is self-protective. I want to appear coherent and as least mentally fragmented as possible. Of course, this sort of gets in the way of acceptance. And along the way I sort of think I end up minimizing the struggle.
My private journal, which has many entries per day, contains far too much minutia for anyone to make sense of (usually myself included). And far too many extreme situations. Drama, some would say. So, that's where this blog has a real role in my healing. The blog is an at least twice a week healing exercise for me. And, usually, I write my posts at the tail end of a couple hour grounding process before or after therapy.
My hope is that I will start to change a bit how I put myself out here on the blog. I may start to include more of what the struggles are. I want to be able to talk about the scary parts. The parts that don't want to heal. I think that's the next evolution for the site. I think it will make the site more real, and in the process be more helpful to more of me.
Somewhat unrelated, but in keeping with the "blog carnival" theme, I wanted to point your browsers to Dr. Gudrun Frerichs' recently posted articles:
I found them to be quite in line with the language I use myself and how I understand where I want to go and what healing is all about. I hope you find them helpful too. I may look at them more closely and write about them in the coming days and weeks to come.
14 Comments
Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
Paul, This is good news to me. I want to know more about the nitty gritty of all of this. The stuff I read seems to smooth it over and make it all sound so factual. This does not portray what a normal day might be like for you with this diagnosis. Anyone reading this stuff might think that this is all so much simpler than it really is. I mean I know some of my days get really down and are tough to get through. The challenges to this are unreal and many times two steps forward with three steps back. I know that I dread days like this when I can't quite wake up but I am not asleep either, and I feel very disorganized and lose track of things and time. The headaches are terrible and I feel like I am living in some kind of nightmare that only I can see. Very disturbing sometimes but it would be nice to know what it's like when this happens to others too. Just wanted to say I like the idea you presented.
Thanks Nansie. I want to be careful, because presenting this "smoothed over" is sort of self-protecting. And I don't want this to become what my personal journal is (which is the other extreme). I'm trying to find some middle ground. But, yes, I did notice that it comes across as too easy. There are other blogs, on my blogroll, who present the daily grind perspective of this, that you might find useful.
I agree with Nansie, talking about the hard stuff in my blog is almost as helpful as talking about it in therapy. It's like a second go-round, another chance to pull out the pieces I am ready to work with and put them to use. Bringing your demons into the light of blog-world will be a way of accepting yourself. As you see that you are totally accepted in your worst moments, you may begin to realize that you are okay, even then, and so much more than okay a good part of the time.
I talked with Mr. S some about your "Rant" post. I do that a lot - what you do, when I post. I often try to appear more normal than I really am. It hurts to keep that up, though, as you have noticed. For myself, if I say anything at all about having problems, it is merely the tip of the iceberg. I don't want to sound whiny. My original idea was to post just the problems you talk of having and now I might just go back to that.
This all makes me think of a saying that I recently read "We are only as sick as the secrets we keep". I know that for most of my life I have been a master of disguise. I had to if I wanted to appear normal and not be shunned by people around me or labeled as "crazy". I too worry about being seen as "whiney". Or what really gets me is when you do confide in someone everything you say gets minimized and portrayed as minor. This stuff is far from minor. And we spent our whole lives having to keep it separate from real life and then as we try to let some of it out in an attempt to get healthier it is shunned and deemed unacceptable by our family or significant others. We are constantly reinforced to hide our secrets because people around us can't deal with or accept this stuff so they again make us feel badly for expressing it. Revictimize the victim. This cycle is powerful. So in summary the only place that we can express it is in therapy, two hours per week. No wonder healing takes so long and just drags out. I am not saying we should put our core of our troubles out there but if we could TELL some of it in another forum, the stuff that no one around us seems to want to deal with, in this forum people will accept and identify and then support. Lets face it, this stuff has got to come out little by little. With support and people that care in this forum it would help make progress in the area of healing. This is hard stuff to put out there and puts us at our most vulnerable state but I am afraid that this is the only way to make progress. At the same time we hopefully will discover that our protected secrets aren't that dark or unusual and are accepted and even shared by others. Does this make sense?
Nansie, It does make sense, yes. But I try not to worry too much about other people.
I find blogging to be a way of being more real than I feel I have the freedom to be in person. The anonymity provides me with a sort of safety net, I guess. Most who know me in person might start to "wonder" about me if I really opened up more. It is sad...but true. How I long for someone in person to be able to be more real with. I can be...to some degree with my hubby...but he has a lot to deal with regarding life in general. I do not want to overly concern him regarding my own struggles.
So, I like the anonymity...and accompanying freedom...that having a blog gives me.
One Survivor, It is interesting that you write this. I have often thought of and also longed for someone I could truly share myself with that would understand and still love me unconditionally. But then I think about that same scenario only on a permanent basis and ongoing for a long time. Then I think of how much satisfaction I have in knowing that I have all of this inside me that no one else knows about that is all mine and I don't have to share it with anyone. I also can make it into anything I want it to be and on my terms. It is a world I created that is there just for me and it takes care of me. If I let share it with someone I will be letting them share in it all and it will no longer be all mine. Who knows what this kind of exposure might mean to my secret world? So while I also long for that connection I also know that it might destroy the world that got built within me. Does that make any sense? It is so lonely and unhealthy there at times but it is mine. I wish I felt safe enough to jeopardize it but I am not there yet... if you are kudos to you! :)
Hi One Survivor and Nansie. Thanks for writing. I hear what you say about the anonymity of the blogging. But I think to really get somewhere we have to bring some of the hard stuff into the light of day of the real world. This is uncomfortable, but I think necessary. Interestingly enough, there is really nothing that gets written here that I haven't already shared with my therapist or others I talk to. I also hear what you say Nansie about protecting what you have inside. I cannot speak for others, but there are some of us for whom DID is life-threatening (with ever-present safety issues). So, we cannot easily think of it on those terms. But I do know others who think in this way, so you are not alone.
Thanks for your response Paul. I have not gotten to the part of me that will put me at risk. I know though that I have it hidden very deep and it is being controlled somehow. I fear it and am not looking forward to dealing with it or bring it to the light of day. That part is going to be a huge challenge for me because I sense that it is very powerful. I will get there eventually and then the balancing act will really begin. I am just at the tip of the iceberg right now.
Nansie, I think it's important to realize a couple things. First, of course everyone has things hidden that are uncomfortable to look at. But, second, not every multiple has to experience self-harm and suicidal ideation. So, I don't want you to think this is in your future. It absolutely doesn't have to be.
Hi, Nansie and Paul.
The way I see it, sharing is not an all or nothing deal. We can all choose how much or how little we want to share about ourselves... or if we want to share anything at all. Any sharing that I do is done with those I know can handle it. That includes therapists and some others on private forums. (Although I don't really share much on forums anymore due to some negative experiences.)
One thing about sharing anonymously online is that you can walk away, as it were, if someone becomes disagreeable or hurtful. It is easier to sever your ties.
Face to face sharing does not give that same safety net. If someone is not ready to handle what I share, they may think I am a nut case. If it is someone I deal with regularly... then I am really stuck.
I am a ritual abuse survivor. The fact that a lot of people don't even believe that exists can make it very difficult to share, although that is changing. It can also make sharing a safety issue for me. I need to be careful. I do share in a general way with others... trying to explain the PTSD. As I get to know people, I share more...depending on what I think they, and I, can handle.
I am not a self injurer...never have been. However, I do sometimes struggle with suicide programming that gets triggered.
Sadly, there is also a lot of misinformation out there as to what being multiple means. I was really disappointed when Dr. Mungadze talked publicly about "evil" alters when Herschel Walker was trying to explain his threats against his wife. It happened just as I was actually getting a bit more comfortable with the idea of sharing more openly about DID. Then that happened. I did not want people viewing me as possibly having an evil alter who might try to hurt someone. :-(
I have been sick, so I hope this makes sense...and I hope it is relative to what was brought up. :-)
One Survivor, Sorry I took so long to approve this. I just missed it, sorry. Yes, I totally agree that sharing is not all or nothing. I share different things with different people, and online here I have a certain way of sharing. Actually, I've totally switched back from what was written in the original post. I don't think I'm able to share in a bigger way than I'm already sharing. Interesting you brought up Herschel Walker. I am not aware of those comments and only mildly aware of his case. I did hear in the news last week that he signed a contract to compete professionally in cage fighting. Wouldn't that be a stress reliever for some parts?
No worries, Paul. I know Dr. Mungadze and I was ticked when I saw the videos of him saying that. I wrote about it on my blog a few times. (A search of either name will bring up the posts.)
For me, what I share, how much and with whom, also has to do with where I am at in my healing walk. Sometimes, I am feeling very brave and strong. Other times, I am feeling rather vulnerable. It is a day to day thing.
I appreciate your thoughts here.