Rocking the Boat
For 14 days, my wife is in Europe on vacation with her niece and I'm completely in charge of the kids. Well, my mother-in-law has been here for half the time in the middle, so she's been a huge help. But, I have to be totally responsible for my 11 and 8 year old girls. We are on Day 8 now, but who's counting?
I've mostly taken the time off from work, as I've only gone in a few times. I've learned that being responsible for the kids is a huge job. I didn't really know that before. Well, I knew it, but I didn't experience it, except for a day or two here and there. There is so much to coordinate with this activity and that activity, who we will carpool with, what to wear to school, what to pack for lunch, and on and on. There are so many details. It's so complicated. I'm keeping a lot of lists. We figure out what they want in their school lunches and two snacks the night before and I write all that down, then in the morning I just have to tick off the list. I also have every day all spelled out on another list with every single detail. If I get confused, I just consult the list.
It's been an emotional roller coaster for me, though. I have to be aware of so much. I can't drop the ball. I'm in charge after all. And I know that my kids are totally dependent on me. I guess that's why I can claim them as dependents on my taxes! I deserve that tax break! This changes things. When they go to bed the reality of the emotional stress kicks in. I can tell that old coping mechanisms are at play. For example, there's a lot of blocking out of experiences during the day. I definitely experience more internal fragmentation. This just makes it that much harder for me to sustain keeping track of all the family details. Sometimes my head is swimming.
It's not just that I'm responsible, it's that my whole environment is different. I'm not used to my wife not being home. I don't know how to sleep alone. Yes, I miss my wife! My work schedule is thrown off, as well as my therapy schedule. It's very hard to set time aside to journal and check-in. My whole internal experience is thrown off; it's akin to how things changed internally when we brought our first daughter home from being born.
But, even while my experience is off, I still have to remember at what time to schedule that orthodontist appointment 1 hour away so that we will be able to get back to gymnastics in time. I have to make sure I send in the pick-up note to school, make sure the gym bag is packed with the right clothes and with water, remember to bring her contacts and a toothbrush so that after she eats her teeth won't be dirty for the exam. I have to take pictures of her getting braces so my wife can see them on Facebook. Then, figure out how to get from the dentist to the gym (thank you iPhone voice navigation App) because I don't ever go from one to the other.
I do like it, though. I just don't think I could do this 365 days in a row. I like the feeling of accomplishment. Another good outcome is that because I need to be on the ball so much, I've been able to get a lot of house chores done. Our basement is cleaned out, septic pumped, oil burner and propane fireplace tuned up, and lawn is mowed. I have this extra energy and alertness going for me (with little sleep).
I also have been able to assess what life is like for our family. I'm a little unhappy about how busy my kids are. My immediate reaction to all the kids' activities is this: Whoa! Slow down! What ever happened to coming home and playing? And having real time to do homework? And relaxing? Nope. Can't have that. Apparently, somehow, we ended up having the crazy activity schedules like everyone else we know, even though my wife and I always promised each other that it wouldn't happen to us.
This has happened partly because I've sort of taken a back seat in the managing of our kids' lives. I want to have a bigger say. My kids are great. My family is great. But our lives are way too hectic. And we all know it's easier to add things then it is to take them away!
I've also been able to appreciate the amount of time and energy that I put into healing. This time with the kids has really meant that I cannot put too much effort into healing. I haven't read much of the blogs I follow. As I said, I've written very little in my journal. I watch the clock in therapy. I have to think much less of me and much more of them. I try not to judge whether that's good or bad. It just is right now. I know it won't be that way forever.
9 Comments
Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
Wow, Paul, welcome to my world. My husband's career keeps him out of the house most of the time. We have four kids. At the time when my youngest was born, my others were 4, 7 and 8.
Is it any wonder that I only allowed one small part of me to be present for 18 years?
I was living as a shell of a human being, going through the motions of motherhood, keeping track of the schedules and driving everyone where they needed to go, doing the laundry and the dishes and changing the diapers and potty training and...
completley losing myself.
When I started dissociating again, over three years ago, it was as if I had been gone that entire time and someone else had been doing all the mothering.
Of course, I had dissociated some even during the 18 years I just mentioned. I dissociated every time I had sex, or thought about having sex, or felt threatened physically or afraid... but that rarely happened when my children were around.
While I managed to hang on to one side of me almost all the time, inside I was in terrible termoil which caused a depression that got very severe about eleven years ago, and then continued to worsen. Medication wasn't helping anymore, by the time I had put in a few more years. Three years ago, when I started dissociating regularly again, I had been suicidal for months.
Being responsible for others does force a kind of control, and it's good to know that one can do that when it's needed. However I'm glad you don't have to do it all the time because there is no way to do any healing when you are so hung up on everyone else's needs.
If you can maintain, that is awesome.
Good luck, and good job with all you're handling.
Wow Paul...I was wondering where you were...haha. This is a great experience for you for sure. Us women always love it when our husbands experience this. YES tons of work, things to remember and then the fear of forgetting something. After you do this for a long time it just becomes a way of life and you get used to it and live it like normal life. You must be a very good and attentive parent to be noticing all of this stressful and busy stuff. I agree that kids are too busy today. They need more time to be kids and relax. But..it does sound like you are doing a great job. Notes are key at times for me too. With so much already happening in our heads it is hard to have alot of stuff to try to remember. It isn't always easy to shut down the noise in our heads either in order to add more info. But it sounds like you are on top of your game..good for you and keep up the good work!
Hurray Shen!! You are right on and we have so much in common!! It is so nice to have this all in common with Paul too!
Paul,
You are now, a mother. You are right, you don't belong to yourself anymore.
It is stressful, I know, and I'm darn proud for you that you want to be a bigger part of the decisions in their lives. You must be a wonderful father. My daughter was not into the social stuff and running about, so I got to just sit back and enjoy her.
Hang in there, you're getting it done! Your wife is surely proud of you!
Hoo, boy! Yep...welcome to full time parenting. I relate to some of what has been written here.
As a stay at home mom who home educates her son, I present almost exclusively as a singleton. But then, I think I always have. For me, it has been about being in control and hiding.
When it comes to my family, though, it is about trying to give them as "regular" of a life as possible...something more in line with what I think a family should be. I don't want my son worrying about which mom is going to be around this time. I don't know...if he were not around, then maybe I would present differently to my hubby. Then again...maybe not.
I was blessed to have my hubby laid off during the early stages of my healing. We lived off the equity in our house because he could not find steady work due to the hi-tech situation. That allowed me the freedom to have plenty of time for therapy and all the things I did to help my system heal. Now, I have been without all of that for the past 4 years...in addition to living in a tiny space with NO privacy for art or anything healing. It has been a real stretch.
I say all that to say that I relate to some of what you write regarding time for journaling, healing, etc. Life has its seasons. I am looking forward to another season coming up. You will turn another corner when your wife returns and head into another season, too. A real blessing in all of this is that you see things you really want to change. That is good.
Gosh...I am really tired. I hope I have not totally rambled here. :-)
I do this same thing you're doing, I'm on the ball when directly in charge of someone elses care. There isn't time to dissociate and stay gone because the moment I do I'm not there for the person I need to be there for. I think that actually helped in the healing process because it reminded me that I'm not broken. Despite my fractured mind I am at times capable of coming through successfully. Healthy self esteem is essential to healing.
I think you have a good point about being too busy and doing way too much. There has to be time to simply stop and be...heck, be together.
Go Super Dad! :0)
Austin
I'm smiling reading your post. It IS a huge job, isn't it? How wonderful that you can be a loving Dad to your kids.
Welcome to a woman's world. Remember too, that your wife looks after you as well as the girls! Every man should have to do the job of a wife/mother for a while to experience the 24 hour day and complete self sacrifice all in the name of love. You are doing admirably! Keep it up and give your wife a big kiss on her return and tell her how very much you appreciate her 365 commitment to the family. More men should tell their wives just that. : )
Thank you all for your very kind comments. I had to almost completely separate myself from the blog here in order to function the past couple weeks as Mr. Mom. I have some thoughts on my experience. I'll write about it soon, possibly today. I totally admire all the Mom's here. What a job.