The Boat is Sinking or Is There Even a Boat?

Hi Paul,

I am sorry that this short period of time brought about such a huge regression. I understand why it could happen, just am surprised at its full-blown emergence. I hope that you can keep writing about this and that that helps. It sounds like you are taking some good steps to take care of these issues. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

I hope this works out for you Paul. Spending the amount of time you did having to be in a completely different mode and mindset is a lot of work and very different than you are used to. Hopefully getting back to your routine and therapy will snap you out of that mode and back into where you need to be. Hopefully this state is temporary and things will fall back into place in a short amount of time. Sending you good thoughts and take care.

I wish I had some words of wisdom Paul, but I don't. In many ways this is a very easy place to be in as the consequences are not understood and life seems to be easier because of the high functioning. But those consequences are there and they make it too dangerous to be in this place for any length of time.

In this instance, we can't take it a moment at a time, as that can hide the consequences. We need to look at the bigger picture and that can be scary.

Take care,
CG

Paul it seems to me that you have have taken the first step in getting back to yourself just by acknowledging where you are and writing about it here. And I fully understand where you are. I go there, too. And yet I'm still here. :-) I hope you won't despair, my friend. You did what you had to do.

I wondered whether this might happen, with the overwhelming pressure and responsibility of taking care of your family while your wife was away. However, I have every faith that you'll get back to where you were... it's much easier to get back to where you've been than to forge that path for the first time. There's no shame in getting off track; we all do it. But you've done the hardest part of the work before, and I really don't think it's possible to lose that progress completely.

I think one thing that really stands out to me here is that healing has to be a deliberate, conscious, daily choice -- and it's sometimes really, really hard to continue to make that choice in the face of "real life." I think even a recognition that coping mechanisms are taking over can be a healing choice, and that's what you're doing here. You're not completely "in" it -- you're seeing it, and that's half the battle. I'm sure you remember the time when you really didn't see it, and so you can tell you've come a long way just in being able to recognize it. Of course it's tempting to slip back into that hyperfunctionality... dissociation is our drug, and we're all addicted to it.

Can you talk with the parts that are into self-harm? Acknowledge that even they had a part in your survival but let them know you have new and better ways to protect yourself NOW? Offer them other tools to cope--things that don't involve self-harm?

Big (((hugs))). It's always scary when immediate stress causes us to fall back into old patterns. It doesn't mean they are permanent, only that in this moment we didn't see another way to cope.

Thank you, everyone, for your very supportive, thoughtful and insightful comments. It's been a wild ride the past several days. I'll update soon and explain what I've learned.

I wonder. Don't know if it would work the same way or not. I have read that an alcoholic who starts drinking again is not able to "enjoy" drinking as before, not after tasting some real sobriety.

I know this is not the same, but I do wonder about there being a similar principle, though. I wonder if, after having tasted some healing, you will find it harder to totally settle back into the old, or if over time it would start to chafe at you.

I know that your compartmentalization feels complete. However, in your healing process there was more communication, more shared experiences, more awareness on everyone's part, right? So, even though you are feeling compartmentalized, all of what took place does not just disappear.

Every insider who participated, who shared, who became more aware, takes with him/her (I believe) the memory of that, at least on some level.

I agree that healing involves a decision. If you start with the decision, I wonder if that will actually trigger other decisions to follow, by the others.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it may not take as long to get back to where you were as it now appears. It may not be as huge as it now seems.

Anyway, perhaps I am way off base here. Don't know. Hopefully there was something of use within these thoughts pouring out. If you get nothing else out of this, get the fact that you are cared about.

Please get safe. Please stay safe.

Thank you One Survivor. Your thoughts were very spot on. While the experience of not being able to eat and the extreme compartmentalization felt like it was a hole I was not going to easily dig out of, it did end up turning out to be not so. It seems that I do have a "go to" list of skills I can call upon to help me. I still feel very tenuous. I am aware of what the drivers are for the various compartments. But I'm making an effort to move through it without completely collapsing. Thank you again. You were not at all off base.

Hi Paul,
I'm glad to see you posting again - I take that as a good sign regardless of whatever else is going on.

I understand how the stress of knowing you are responsible for others can push you into old behaviors. I guess you have to remember that healing is not a linear path and that no matter how smooth the road appears, you're going to fall into some pits along the way. Your dedication to yourself is inspirational. I'm glad you know you are worth the effort.

Thanks, Shen. What the past week or so has taught me is that the old behaviors and coping can have the same intensity that they had long ago if the compartments are separate enough and the denial is strong. But I also know that the dedication to our healing is what really makes the difference. Further, I know that the severity of the way things have been and the inherent danger in that, really has to keep me paying attention and taking steps to find safety even if that means going into the hospital.

Recently I've questioned the helpfulness of therapy and if I wish to continue. I wonder just what the heck I think I'm doing and I wonder if denial isn't better. I concluded that to turn back takes longer than to go forward. I've come so far so to turn back means there's a lot I have to deny but to move forward is less of a struggle. Giving up isn't as easy as "they" say it is not when one seriously contemplates what they're giving up.

Austin, I think what you concluded is what I've concluded also. So, we've both reached a sort of tipping point in our healing.

Austin I know what you mean. Glad to see you active again Paul! Gotta tell you that at times in therapy I coast. It is okay to let things rest til you have time to adjust and get comfortable on the new ground. I find myself doing this at different intervals so that I can level out, catch my breath and then begin trudging along again. I will say that when I look back now I see a much harder and painful place than I am in now. I was more "numb" back then but while I was numb and not experiencing the pain I was also not experiencing the fun and laughter either. I do feel better now than I have ever felt before and I can feel the excitement from the parts within because they are finally getting recognition and a chance to be heard. I am not as advanced as all of you but at times I crash out too and can't see my way forward. Still, this is better than where I was before when I was walking thru life like a zombie. Take care everyone!

Nice to hear from you Nansie. I would like to write more about therapy. I think it's an interesting topic that I haven't explored as much as I'd like. I do understand coasting. And I do try to push myself. I have a hard time with pacing. I am glad to hear, Nansie, that you are out of that numb place. Just realize that we all go there at times, and it's usually temporary.

Actually, I should add that it's usually temporary EVEN if we are convinced it's permanent and we will never get out. Funny how that works, huh?

Funny you should say that about getting out. I can't count all the times I said to my T that I fear getting lost in this stuff and never coming back to reality. He assures me time and time again that this can't happen and I will recover. Just so scary though when I enter those dungeons. We are masters of disguise though so I feel good about that. My T is on vacation for the next 8 days so he cautioned me about taking it easy with this stuff while he is gone. So I will but I do feel better than I ever have, even with the darkness of winter approaching. Does anyone else feel as though when winter comes their emotions become darker as well? I feel that this illness/gift makes me more sensitive to seasonal changes. Again, that fear of entering a dark emotion or memory and not being able to come back out. I really fight to hang onto the belief that it is temporary when that happens. So scary sometimes.

Hmmm, turning back? Just not an option for me. I so agree about the denial thing. When I first remembered, trying to deny brought about such an uproar inside that the uproar alone was enough to convince me of the validity of everything.

My therapist was excellent, but life was such that I mostly needed her to be a cheerleader and one who gave me the info and support I needed. (This is her assessment, not just mine). She always said that most of my healing has actually been done outside of therapy. When we moved away from her, it was really tough. I still miss her.

Out here, I found a therapist who was experienced with SRA, who then accessed my programming and used me. I found an online one that I had met in person previously, but he turned out to be NOT who I remembered meeting.

It took another therapist-one with NO experience working with SRA survivors-to help me work through what had happened with the other two therapists.

And don't even get me started about another online therapist who, thankfully, was never my personal therapist, but who targeted me mercilessly on her for pay forum. Grrrrr!!

Now? I have no therapist. The last one I had reached the end of his real usefulness to me due to his lack of experience and knowledge of SRA. He was a really nice guy who did help me, but it became time to quit.

There are some others around here with SRA client experience, but they are far away and unaffordable. Beside, to be quite frank, I don't know if I could handle seeing another therapist that someone I really trust did not personally know and recommend, not after being accessed. That guy pretty much ruined it for me.

I have the tools I need. I have online support of sorts. I do wish I had a bit more, but I am getting by. Once my living situation changes, I hope to get back into more of the stuff I was doing for myself to further my healing.

So, although I am not in therapy now, I still see myself as moving forward...not backward. Or, at least I am in a holding pattern. But going back. Nope! Never!

Nansie, I am becoming more and more aware of the shortening of the days, which starts mid-summer. Of course, some of that may be due to our living situation that the cold (which comes with the shorter days) makes more difficult.

On another level, having an SRA background causes me to be more sensitive to the darkness all around. I am finally at a point where not all darkness outside is bothersome, but there are times when I do sense the evil out there.

The times around September and October are especially "dark". So that coincides with the literal darkness of shorter days. I really don't think it is the darkness, per se, that bothers me so much as what I know is going on IN that darkness.