False God
We did what he told us
He said it was for God
"Don't disobey!"
We knew what that meant
We would be disobeying God
"It'll be our little secret"
This is what we were told
By the priest who we thought was God
This was written in 1993. But, for me, it's very relevant today. It's become quite clear that parts of me have not been able to move beyond the past at all. That's terribly unfortunate and so inconsistent with the rest of my life. For so long, I have failed to accept that fact. I have to rededicate myself to these parts of me and help them heal. Right now, though, I feel devastated and broken. I will try to pick up the pieces and move on. But it will not be easy.
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You are a good man, Paul. That part of you that went through this was a child being manipulated by a man who had power over you and abused it horribly. When this child part communicates with you the adult part needs to sooth him and help him heal reminding him all the while that he did nothing wrong and had no other choices at that time but to try to "please God". Sweet young guy you were and you had your trust abused terribly. I am with you on this. I was young and felt I had to please my abuser too. Such sweet innocense so badly abused. Try to hug and sooth this part of you reassuring him that no one will ever be able to do this to him again because it was so wrong. You, Paul, the adult, knows the logic that goes with all of this and this little boy needs to learn about logic and start to trust it. Trust me when I say that God will see to it that this man who did this, in his name, will rot in hell.
You try to have a good holiday and explain to this little boy who the real God is and what He is about. Email me if you want...I'll be thinking about you!
Thanks Nansie! I know this on an adult level, yes. And usually this knowledge helps keep me together some. But all this fell apart to such a large degree. And I have a lot of work to do now to get safe again. Thanks!
You are incredibly strong, you can heal and move on from this. Yes, those parts of you are stuck in a place of pain, old rules and ways of viewing the world which is inconsistent from how you now live; but you can heal and encourage their growth. Realizing that this healing and growth is a possibility is one of the first steps in that process.
This piece of writing evokes feelings of sadness and anger.
Take gentle care of yourself,
CG
Thanks Castorgirl! I guess I'm so surprised by the knowledge that they are indeed so stuck. I just didn't think too much about it or didn't take that fact seriously enough. What a reality check, and I guess this gives me something to focus on in therapy. I am going to put up more poetry over the coming days. Many from long ago. But I am now aware that in some ways I was more in touch with certain aspects of myself back then. So, it's probably important for me to revisit them. Thanks again, and you be gentle on yourself too. I will try my hardest!
You've had the courage to come this far. You will find a way to heal the rest of you. My own belief is that things surface as we're ready to deal with them and not before. There's nothing wrong with you that you needed to focus on other things for a while. Now it sounds as if you're ready to take the next step forward.
*sigh* I hear the pain. I see the deception that was laid out for you. It is the same deception that was laid out for so many of us survivors.
I am glad that you can see that there are parts of you that are stuck...and saddened for you, too.
I am confident that you will work through this, but I also know how hard it can be.
Just want you to know that I care.
Thanks April and OneSurvivor. I am trying very hard to heal these wounds that I didn't pay much attention to.
"By the priest who we thought was God"
That line about knocked me over. I saw my mother as God. It's difficult for me to think of her otherwise. As a matter of fact I was asked once in a group setting to draw a picture of my version of God. The first thing in my head was a naked image of my mother.
The thing about abuse is it touches more than the body. It hits the mind and the spirit and sometimes crushes spirituality. I believe this to be the ultimate abuse.
Austin, I'm sorry you went through this. To hurt someone, especially a kid, spiritually is tremendously damaging.
Austin, You are not alone in this. My mother also convinced me that she had special abilities because she was next to God because God honored parents. "Honor thy Mother and Father" was taught to us in bible study for the Catholic church. My Mother abused me physically but trashed me emotionally. She had me convinced that she was inside my head and could see all that I did and thought. She would persecute me for things I had no idea about but believed her before I believed myself. To this day I am fighting to get her out of my head; just terrible stuff! But I do know there is a loving God and he is angry about what's been done to us all. This stuff is so tragic that he is the ONLY one who can serve justice for us and I have faith that he will. The stuff that was done to us under His name was pure evil and He will make it right. Try to have faith in that and take good care of yourself in the mean time.