The Hole in the Sand
I was walking in the desert
Looking over my shoulder at the mirage we just passed
I looked up at the hot Sun
My whole body cried tears of broken trust
Then I looked ahead, what a mistake!
I usually just look down, watching each step
But I forgot that was what I was supposed to do
I got distracted and a little confused
For I walked right into that hole in the sand
And it sucked me into that other land
If you thought the desert was bad, you should come here
There's no ground to walk on
It's so unreal, yet it's so real
And it's kind of freaky
My head's over there, my heart's somewhere else
Oh, and there's an arm that just went flying by
I can see back through the hole I fell in
Someone's reaching in to pull me out
Do I grab on? How can I?
Do I want to come back out?
Do I resume walking in the desert always looking down?
Or do I want to keep falling towards the light?
But then I decide...
I'm going to end my life.
This also was written in the early 90s. I am beginning to explore what I knew and experienced back then as a way to help me in the present. As I wrote in the prior post, I'm beginning to understand that parts of me hold onto these views and ways of thinking even to this day; and that it's my job to help them heal and evolve. I think this poem reflects a certain understanding and conflict about the process of healing. It was a very dark time for me. Luckily, I am not consistently in this place anymore.
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Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
You are very brave, Paul. I assume this is a time before you had children, a time when you were your only concern? I am afraid to read my writings from before my children were born. Once they came along, I stayed in one, adult persona for almost twenty years. I seriously almost forgot there was anything more to me than that.
You are brave, but I think these ideas do hold the key to complete freedom. I've pulled out so much of my past, and still find more pieces as I go along. You will, also, and each piece adds to the whole....
...which is you.
Thanks Shen. You said it so well. Yes, this was before children. Addressing all these lost and unhealed pieces is very scary. But I have to do it.
This is a very deep piece of your heart. I, too, had to go back over all of my journals to write my book. It was not easy. I kept getting lost in memory or pain and it became a hindrance, so I had to find another way to get through them all. I cataloged and outlined, and then I wrote the book. My point is, though it was hard on me, it also showed me where I used to be, how I used to be/feel, and just how far I've come. It is truly amazing. This journey is worth it, you are brave to tackle it.
Thanks Ivory. I am finding I have to strike a balance. It has become obvious to me that not paying attention to these "deep pieces" doesn't work either. Yes, I can see how far I've come. But I can also see that parts of me are stuck. It's like two worlds existing at the same time that rarely intersect.
This poem is a testament to how difficult and confusing the healing journey can be. I know that many parts don't see the journey worth the pain and confusion, or maybe they get lost in the process and don't understand what is happening.
You mention that the two worlds rarely intersect, but I'm starting to realise that they have to meet so that healing and growth can occur. This is vital work, but very scary.
Go gently and take care,
CG
Thanks CG! Yes, I do agree that the two worlds, or more than two worlds, need to intersect for true healing. I wish I knew how to "go gently". Things rarely work like that for me! But, I do like your advice!!
What a powerful poem.
I know there is stuff inside of me that needs working on, but my living situation does not really allow for that. That will change within the next six months...and hopefully, within the next one or two.
When that happens, I am looking at having more of the deeper things coming up to be faced and dealt with. More understanding. More healing. More comforting. More storytelling. More?
Although I hate the thought that anyone else had to go through abuse, it is nice to know that there are other survivors out there walking on that healing journey. It is the paradox of hating to be part of a group, yet grateful for not being alone.
Keep on keeping on, Paul!
OneSurvivor, Thank you! I feel very sad when others say they are at a place or time in their lives when they cannot do the work that needs to be done. I am glad that you realize that there is stuff inside that needs to be worked on. For me, I had not really realized this. Or avoided it. I also appreciate your comment about the paradox of the group we all find ourselves in. I wish you healing also and look forward to the time in a couple months or so when you are able to do the work you know you need to do.