Looking Back and Ahead
It was a decade that began, for me as a survivor, with the public airing of the clergy abuse scandal in January 2002. I had thought that was all behind me. I had dealt with all of that a decade earlier, surviving some tortuous "healing" years in and out of the hospital in the early '90s.
By the mid '90s, I filed suit with the church, settled, and then completely distanced myself from therapy and the hospital. I wanted nothing to do with all of that. I was very clear that my DID (dissociative identity disorder) or multiple personality disorder was made up. While that was a huge piece of denial, and I know that now, somehow that allowed me the space to get married, buy a house, build up my career, and twice become a father. But, really, while many good things happened during those years, my life was severely partitioned. I just wasn't aware. Hurting myself would happen in its own box. Being petrified would happen in its own box. Everything went back to the way it was in the '80s, except I now had built a life for myself, which was very real but also somewhat of a facade, something I could hide behind.
It collapsed like a house of cards in 2002. It's shocking to me how quickly it all happened. The more functional parts of me thought they could handle things; the talking to reporters and details of my abuse being in the big daily papers. But something strange happened. I started to realize that my life really was a bunch of partitions or rooms and that things not only were not right in 2002, but they weren't right all along. I was kidding myself about how much I had healed. The depression, the switching, the suicidality, the eating; these all were back again.
After a series of false starts with various random therapists, I called my old therapist, I like to call him Freud, and asked if I could go back to see him. We started working together again. It was hard. I became increasingly symptomatic. I became more fragmented. I acted out in self-harm a lot. And I ended up in the hospital again. And again. And again. But it was different from the '90s and I can't quite put my finger on how. We worked hard. But it was slow progress.
Then things changed. In 2008 I started working with an art therapist. By late 2008, I stopped working with Freud as my main therapist and switched to the art therapist as my main therapist. And things took off, like I was shot out of a cannon. I was not used to working in this new way. The old way was to intellectualize everything. The new way was to explore feelings, draw and paint, hug each other when leaving, and use all those healing words and phrases. The new way acknowledged internal parts in a much more direct way. She wanted to know what they felt too. We started paying attention to everything. I started taking journaling very seriously and now use it to keep connected to my life, no matter how chaotic and confusing. Also, this website was born.
Here's what I accomplished in 2009 (in rough chronological order):
I wrote my first submission to the Many Voices newsletter, a print survivor newsletter that's been in existence since 1989 and one I have read off and on since way back.
I started experiencing body memories for what I thought was the first time. I am sure they were not the first time, but with my new "awareness", it felt like it. These are, at times, completely debilitating. But they are often followed by knew knowledge.
I started to gain a sense of the level of injury I sustained from my abuse. I remember seeing the movie "Deliver Us From Evil" about the clergy abuse crisis and then crying for days, which I assume is grieving. I don't think I ever grieved before.
I asked for, and obtained, the church records on my case; all 182 pages. These were were made public after a criminal investigation and kept by an organization called Bishop Accountability.
Through my journaling, I started to really come to terms with these huge changes of consciousness (or switches). I am sure this was the way it always was, but that I was just not aware of it or didn't try to document it carefully.
I started to allow parts of me to express themselves and stopped trying to control things so much. This has led to me learning so much more about parts of me than I ever thought possible. The therapist is focused on exploring this and she's convinced me it's important.
I started to address the self-harm in a much different way. This has opened things up for a couple of "darker" parts inside and work is now being done on helping them and keeping us all safe.
Night panics began and usually this meant young parts kept up the wife and we had to enlist her help. Eventually, it was discovered that a lot of it had to do with an adverse reaction to too much Risperdal (called akathisia); so that drug was stopped.
I made a conscious decision to stop relying on psychotropic medications to get through and dull experiences. This actually began in Summer 2008 when I stopped antidepressants. I had completely relied on Risperdal and Klonopin during the day to get through difficult times. But I did start taking pain medication for the body memories. And I document every pill I take.
Part of the reason why I was able to lessen my dependency on medications was that I changed my lifestyle a bit. I started advocating for what I needed. This caused conflicts within the family. But I started to know what my limitations were, at home and work, and decided I owed it to all of me inside to take them seriously. This ushered in a new level of trust inside.
With this trust, came a new ability to accomplish tasks. While there were many times I have not been able to do work, there were other times where I shined gloriously. I started to experience what is often called "flow" in a much more whole kind of way. It was not the old way where parts just did their thing. This was a new way and it felt good.
Bought an iPhone 3GS to add to my Apple family of products. That is life changing in and of itself, and I promise to write a post just on how important the iPhone is to someone dealing with dissociation!
I wrote my first ever "contract". It is not just a one page list of don'ts. It's a very direct and important document; the culmination of not only a year's worth of work, but an adult life's worth of work.
Whew! I've done a lot. And luckily I did a lot in this decade. So, when I refer to the "2000's", it will be known that there were many highs and many lows, but lots of healing, and it ended in a bang.
I do give up sometimes. I cannot deny that. In fact just a few hours before I wrote the "contract" a few weeks ago, I wrote to my therapist that I was giving up. But now, looking back, on this decade and a little bit on the decade before, I must know that I can never give up. Too much has been gained. I am a different person. I have healed in more ways than I could have ever imagined. And I look forward to the next decade, even though I know that there will be lots of hard work ahead of me. It will all be worth it!
Happy New Year to all of you!
Happy New Year to you Paul!!! And it is absolutely impressive what you have reached on your way to healing already.
PS: I'm looking forward to your post about the iPhone :-) I still use a PDA, but will change this soon :-)
ShadowChild. Everyone deserves to have safety and to heal. I wish that for you in 2010.
I smile when I see how much you have achieved in the last year and decade. I would say "congratulations", but I'm not sure that word accurately describes the hard work, healing and difficulties you have faced. I admire your courage and honesty Paul. May your healing journey continue on this positive path - yes, there are bumps and hardships, but you have achieved so much.
Wishing you all the best for the New Year.
Take care of you and yours,
CG
I am truly enjoying the "recaps" of the year that I'm finding in the blogs I follow. You have gained great insight this year and reading this post made me happy to know you ended the year with such fortitude and positive intention. (2 things I have to work at having at any time).
I hope you have the best of times in this new decade and I'm looking forward to reading about it!
Castorgirl and Ivory: Thank you both very much. I also admire what you both are doing. It's amazing what progress we can make given the right conditions and "mindset".
Nice progress Paul! You are obviously in the core of your DID. I find it interesting how organized you are with it and how you can write about the whole picture. I cannot do this yet. I am still in the part of my journey of "going in" and exploring. I have found about 5 parts with more on the way. Just on the outskirts of it though. I will admit that I am afraid of what I will find and fear mostly that I won't be able to control "it" and "it" will control me. These parts are still foreign to me. I do not own them. Someday I will feel strong enough to do this. Your work is inspiring to me. I cannot write about mine yet. I am not organized enough with it yet. When I am with my therapist I can talk about it and enter it somewhat. When I leave there though I still shut it down and become the "all around" person that has allowed me to create some sense of a "good" life. My mind shuts down and goes blank when I try to look back and see progress and then it just looks like a crowd of people are blocking my view into the future. Very strange feeling but mostly I keep it shut down all the time. Hopefully there will come a time when I can experience it and get through each piece. Lately I am experiencing a part that has strong resistance to being exposed to my therapist. These parts do not want to merge into a whole. They want their freedom and power all to themselves. They think that my therapist is out to get them and that I am a weak person for going for help. They don't want me to get help and try to discourage me every step of the way. I feel like as long as I do things their way all will be ok but if I don't they will make me suffer. Can you email me with any insights on this? I am afraid of what this will all mean and how I will manage when they start to fight back. Keep up your good work! Seeing this helps me to gain some sense of safety. Happy New Year to all of you!!
Hi Nansie. I'll write you, but I'm not sure I can give you much insight. My advice is to be true to your own experience and take what you can from some of the blogs you read, but know that your journey is unique.
Paul, thanks for visiting my blog. I emailed you with the link for my talk.
I must tell you, that the clergy abuse scandal is what pushed me into writing my book. I was so tired of the ignorance surrounding child sexual abuse, the coverup and lack of concern for the victims, and that horrible question - why did you wait so long to tell anyone? I went thru a crisis of my own because of all of that. I was very angry. A priest sat with me through that whole thing. And he encouraged me to write the book. He helped me heal.
By the way, I have the itouch. I love it!
Thanks Colleen! I will check it out.
You know we didn't realize how much you've achieved until you put it the way you have here. Thank you for encouraging other survivors, including us.
How wonderful that you have found a process of therapy that works for you! I think it IS essential to get to the emotions in order to heal. You've had quite a time and it's great to see how far you've come.
Thank you April and Lifesspacings!
Oh! I must have missed this post while I was sick. This is wonderful. What an amazing list. So many twists and turns on your journey remind me of my own. We are moving forward, huh? YES! Just keep climbing!