Shame

Hi Paul! Glad to see you writing again. I wondered if things were going on for you that were difficult. I know when that happens to me I do not engage in any "outside activity". You titled this shame. What a word. The word is so small but has such a huge painful meaning that can handicap people. I have been experiencing shame lately. I will go thru days of hating myself and then after a therapy session just "snap" out of it and back into my more normal state. Normal? Well the state that everyone knows and the more consistant/predictable state. I also feel dirty when I feel shame and from your poem it sounds like you do too. I wish there was a way to lift this awful and dirty blanket off of all of us and burn it in a bonfire and have it be GONE. I have read a couple of books suggested to me on these blogs. They are good books but unfortunately change nothing. Trudging away with therapy each week seems to help but I am the last person that sees my progress. Keep hanging in there Paul and trudging away doing all the right stuff...eventually there will be a light and the sun will come out! If you want to email me and talk more I am here!

hi paul~ one thing i appreciate about this post is in describing your thinking process about what to post given what you and your family have been through lately, is that i think it shows you have good boundaries for yourself in place. i think often we may think of boundaries as keeping others out to whatever extent helps us feel safe, but i think it is also a matter of learning what we need to keep in, so as not to feel too vulnerable. i think in this post you show your readers a positive example of someone taking care of themselves internally. thank you for that.

as for your poem, i think again of boundaries, how often, if we have been violated in our pasts, then it is so easy to feel that way again sometimes, from situations other people might see as meaningless. and the sad step we can take, from something terrible having happened to us, to thinking that we are terrible.

i'm so sorry to hear your family has been through a violation. i will wish you and your family well and hope that all is peaceful soon.

Wow, that poem is powerful, Paul. That's a good idea to have things on hand that you can post when writing just doesn't seem to come. I should do that. Thanks for the idea. I'm glad you and your family are safe.

Glad your family is safe and I hope you are, as well. I was wondering where you had gone off to, so I'm glad you have finally posted. Good poem. I sense very deep meaning and I'm sorry for that.

Thanks everyone. I don't usually post about personal stuff unless I connect it to a larger meaning that will be applicable to others. I think eventually I will write about what's happened in that way (i.e., has larger meaning and talks about safety and boundaries, but doesn't disclose details). Today I just couldn't do more than what I did.

I'm sorry you had this boundary violation, but glad you were able to take steps to protect your family. Did it feel powerful and validating to be able to do that? Even amongst the fallout, I hope you realise the strength needed to protect you and yours.

The poem is brilliant... it takes you right back to that space and time.

Sending positive thoughts,
CG

I'm so glad that you were able to protect your family. I agree with CG that this means a lot of power and strength. It's good you have these strengths. The poem really touches me. I don't know why, but when I have read this, I had to think immediately of the abuse scandal from the catholic clergy which shakes the land where I have to live, so violently in the moment.
Please take care, LSC

Paul, it is a good thing that you can protect your family from whatever is happening. I agree with the person that said that shows your strength.

Shame is a difficult thing to deal with as a survivor of incest. For me, shame seemed to be buried so deep in the hidden parts that I can only occasionally access. It always surprises me when it surfaces. After all of the work that I have done for recovering from incest, shame is still an issue that my small inner child still carries and believes that it is who she is. My intellect knows differently but that inner child still buys into the shame and carries it as her own. I don't know how to change that.

Your strength is a blessing to your family.

Shame... yes I know it well. I am coming to understand that it isn't really mine at all. Guilt - that is mine. I have made mistakes. I am human.

But shame... that was never mine. It was handed to me and I took the vile gift and kept it all these years.

The triggers of smells are probably the most difficult ones to ignore.

The poem is quite strong. Thank you for sharing it.

I also hope you have some peace in knowing you can be instrumental in preventing boundary violations in the future.

Thank you all. I have been trying to collect my thoughts and write something meaningful about what's going on, but life seems to be going at too fast a pace for me right now to keep up. As far as I understand it, guilt is what we feel about what we do and shame is what we feel for what we are. I don't have much guilt. But I have tons of shame. I always deny it. But it's the crux of a lot. I'll write about that soon, as well as what the boundary violations and protections mean.

I'm glad you're posting again. Much sympathy for the family issues. The poem is very powerful and speaks to the shame it's so hard to get past. But the shame and guilt and dirtiness really do belong to your abuser(s), not to you.

Thanks April. Yes, part of me knows this and part of me doesn't. We're getting there.

Wow! The poem is powerful. That's all I can write right now. It really touches deep.
Thank you for sharing.

Thanks. Yes, it was apparently hard for many to read. Next time I do something like this, I will put it into context. The poem was shared directly because of the fallout of the "crisis". The internal reactions by some inside were that we were bad for standing up. I was conflicted about it for a while because on the surface I had to show strength consistently. But that did not allow for attending to what was happening on the inside.

It can be difficult to take care of the inside when serious outside things are going on. Most of my system is in shutdown mode in order to cope with our outside situation. It is good that you shared... truly. I don't know how your insiders saw it, but I think that sharing it honored them. Perhaps gave them a voice? Blessings.

Yes, this is precisely why this blog is important for me. I think it does honor the experiences of inside and validates them in a way that's crucial for me. I will write about this soon. One of the great things about a blog is that we can speak of our experiences in a way that feels safe. But the key is to find a balance that doesn't reveal too much so that things feel unsafe.

That mens room poem is certainly well written. I enjoyed reading it. It evokes an image that catapulted me to another place other than a restroom.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks onedadslife. Maybe I don't quite want to know if that's a good or bad thing. But thanks for telling me. It's a compliment to a writer that his words make one think.