Dissociative Identities and Healing
Nearly a year ago, I wrote in this post the following:
We heal when we begin to view ourselves as whole beings who are constantly changing. We heal when we take ownership and responsibility for our actions, even if we used to blame them on a personality. We heal when we view ourselves as a little less special and a little more like everyone else.
In fragmented personality systems such as found in those of us with dissociative identity disorder, I think it is fair to say that, as a general rule, different parts tend to operate autonomously.
Of course, I am not denying that there are connections between the parts of the system. The connections are generally either loose or strict; rarely are they moderated and balanced. An example of a loose connection would be parts who do not know about other parts, or will do anything to push away other parts. Strict connections are usually the reverse, where parts will have strong alliances for the purpose of emotional protection, even if that means the body gets hurt through self-harm.
There are always very valid reasons for both types of connections. For example, in many systems, parts need to not know about other parts because behaviors or beliefs or feelings of some are intolerable to others.
The seeds of change are sown when one becomes aware that such a dissociated approach to living is getting in the way of living, let alone living well, or is putting us at risk of dying. Every dissociatively disordered person who attempts to heal, I believe, has learned that the coping that has governed their life has become a problem. In healing, we celebrate our ingenious coping strategy which without doubt saved our lives and our sanities. But we also accept that our remarkably adaptive strategy has become a disorder. I know this may bother some; that I am perhaps devaluing what was originally achieved. But, I really am not. My experience is that holding onto both is a crucial step in healing.
Why does this brilliant solution have to lead to a disorder? I know there is a group of multiples who are perfectly content living as multiples. But most dissociative systems do not evolve and lead to that destination. My belief is that as the dissociative child ages, internal connections become more rigid. On the one hand, alliances become stronger. But, on the other, some parts can become more antagonistic. This is, to my mind, a more common evolution. Parts were created for a purpose. They serve their purpose well. They keep doing what they do well. And, low and behold, habits form (if you want to use that word) and a way of navigating the world becomes firmly established.
One can easily say such an evolution can be applied to almost everyone, and they are probably right. But for the dissociative, the cost is usually a little higher, and the structure is a bit different.
Learning to break down dissociative barriers—and undertake the process of healing—is monumental work. I have written many times here about what the elements of that healing are. Some that come to mind are acceptance, responsibility, overall safety, balance, feeling, intellectual understanding, and love. I have also written about concrete steps to achieve each, chief among them is cultivating awareness through journaling, drawing, and any other form of internal communication, as well as increasing tolerance to emotions.
I thought I would share something I wrote many years ago and came across this past weekend—the motivation for this post. This letter was one of the first steps I took on the road to healing. I wrote it to "My Anger," but in reality it was a specific part with a specific name and I don't feel so comfortable sharing that here.
Dear My Anger,
Why can't you express yourself in a more socially acceptable way? Why do you always involve yourself in self-harm and aggression? Why can't you be tempered by love or joy or even sadness? Why are you so separate?
The separateness is a great divide. It keeps us from becoming whole. It has always been this way, I know. But life is open to change. That's what makes life so special.
I'll tell you what: If I make the first step, will you walk towards me? I pledge to understand you more, to comfort you, to not put you down.
You have to pledge to be more open, to not be so rigid, to not destroy.
If we do these things, I know life can be better than we had ever imagined.
Maybe this was not the kindest or even the best letter I could muster. But it was a start. And I have not looked back since.
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Welcome
"Healing from Trauma and Dissociation"
I'm Paul, a father, husband, scientist, educator, photographer and musician. I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Mind Parts consists of my own insights on the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse, namely trauma stress and the full spectrum of dissociative coping mechanisms, including dissociative identities. Through a blog, I explore the healing process in a variety of ways—using creative contributions of original art, photography, poetry, and music as well as, hopefully, though-provoking essays. Mind Parts is also home to two support services. The quarterly Ezine Trauma Recovery Highlights is a look at some of the best online resources. Also, the monthly Expressive Arts Carnival makes available activities which are published as a group "Carnival."
Comments are welcomed, but if you prefer, you may contact me offline. My belief is that sites like this one can contribute by offering unique perspectives and knowledge, thereby enhancing opportunities not only for survivors but for readers and society as a whole. Namaste!
If I'm understanding correctly, you are saying that it is necessary to find wholeness in order to heal. I believe this is true. I actually just wrote a reply to you in my blog comments that says almost what I am about to say here.
I believe that I will always dissociate. There will always be times when a single part of me breaks away from the whole and takes over my life.
I did not used to think that was true. I used to believe that if I could just integrate everything into one, whole being, dissociation would cease.
The big difference between now and the past is this:
I did not used to have a "whole" to return to. I switched from one piece to another, as needed. These different sides of me did not know what the other sides were doing. They did not share memories or feelings. Everything was separate.
There was one side of me that was "in charge" almost all the time for about twenty years, after the birth of my first child. I slipped out at times, but mostly this "child rearing" side stayed in control and my life seemed more fluid than it had in the past. I didn't remember everything from the past, but I remembered everything on a day-to-day basis.
Now, I remember my past. Every part that has been "integrated" remembers the past and is aware of what is happening in the present. I had no connection before, no "system".
This is confusing and I am confusing myself trying to explain it. Hope it makes some sense and that I am speaking to what you are saying.
Yes, Shen. When you say "If I'm understanding correctly", I take that to mean I did one long intellectual ramble (which I see it is). I'm kind of doing a bit of "switching" lately and not operating from that place of more wholeness that I tend to do nowadays. I do completely understand what you say about not having a "whole" to come back to. I do not in any way say I am whole now. I strive for it. And I feel more whole at times. But I am not there. I don't know if I'll ever be where I want to be. But I know that being more whole is safer and has more benefits than being not whole and fragmented. At some point, I would like to write about my experiences of 20 years ago when I started this journey. I would talk about not having a sense of core identity. There wasn't even, for me, a part that was really running things. What I was trying to get at in the post was one simple message: that healing starts when we realize that we are indeed a system.
Thanks Paul. Like you I think the paradox of acceptance leading to change is the central to emotional healing (at least in my experience). Thanks for a great post.
I like to say I "walk the walk" when it comes to acceptance... but it's something that I struggle with. I see it as a paradox because sometimes to embrace that which is so painful, I sometimes think cannot possibly lead to anything good.
Sometime during the last year, I have noticed that I don't talk in terms of "we" so much anymore. I like that. I was always worried about saying it in front of someone. For me healing isn't integrating, but that doesn't mean integrating won't be happening. For now, I settle for all of me to cooperate and work together. I agree that healing begins with acknowledgement of it all, and acceptance. I felt hope reading this post and I'm glad you spoke with such deep honesty.
Interesting, Ivory. I am doing the opposite. I say "we" more as appropriate to validate. But I never say "we" unless it's safe to do so. Glad you found the post hopeful.
I remember when a good friend of mine told me before I started this intense Trauma Therapy, the one with 35h a week :-))), I would become more integrated and would consciously start to feel more whole. First I didnt believe her, secondly I was frigthened and pretty sure I never would manage such a thing. In small steps it happened and still happens. I feel more secure in myself and more reliable, yep, first of all for myself. It was and is a hard struggle still I can see the outcome, the improving. I am more content. It was mostly art therapy which helped me along. Paul, thanks for your kind comment on my blog. Yes these struggles with my triggers are hard and exhausting. However by now I see my triggers as my treasures. Thanks for your comment as I know you are having art therapy too and can appreciate the pain behind. Hugs from this side of the pond.
Thanks Paula. I wrote this in part to give others a sense that all of this can be understood and can be worked on and can be healed. And I am glad to know you found healing for you. I know many of us have a lot more to do. But when we can see some of the benefits, it makes the struggle worth it.
"... coping that has governed their life has become a problem." Oh, this rings so true. But, I don't look at it as governed their life. I see it as I developed many coping mechanisms as a way to survive. They are automatic, but I am learning to see that I have a choice in the matter. This is extremely difficult to achieve. The choice is to "simply BE" my own self or my defenses. I first had to recognize the choice... recently a light bulb went off in a couple of problem areas in my life.
This is a great blog entry. It made me really think about my process in therapy. Oh, one of my many diagnosis is Dissociative Disorder NOS.
ClinicallyClueless, you are so not clueless! I hear what you are saying. There's so much healing to be found in just being... that's so true! Good for you.
If I may hijack this post for a moment and comment on a comment... Ivory, it's interesting that you say "we" less, now. Like Paul, I am much more likely to use the term now than in the past (when it's safe). Until I started therapy, I never had a sense of "we". Only one part of me was ever present at a time. I had a sense of missing time, unexplained changes in my life that I had no memory of creating, etc. There was no we until integration began. Have you always been aware of multiple parts of you?
Paul, I love your term "core identity". The first time my therapist mentioned the idea of a "core self" she may as well have been speaking Greek. I had no idea what that meant, no idea that I had a "core self" and sincerely doubted I would be able to develop one. It was a big fear for me. I felt like I was faking it, a lot, in the beginning of therapy because I was suppose to connect with this imaginary concept of "self" and I had no idea where to look for it.
That is the big difference, now, as far as my disociative experiences are. That is the "whole" that my parts can come back to. I still don't have a sense that this core self was always there. I think we are meant to create such a thing as children, but I don't think I created mine until roughly two years ago.
Anyone can hijack the post comments! I can understand what Ivory is saying. There are a couple ways to think about it. If you "notice" you are saying "I" more now, this could mean that more of you are comfortable with that. That is the case for me too. But not always. We have a general system agreement that "we" is said in safe places (like in therapy or in the hospital or here on the blog) for the purposes of validation and being more accurate. But, otherwise, it's "I" with the understanding that "I" means "all of me" or "all of us" in a whole inclusive way. That's the simplistic answer... As I said it doesn't always work that way. And we can fragment in the face of stress and parts can hold no allegiances to the rest of the system. So, please understand, everything I say here about healing and what I achieve is really really really fluid.
The concept of a core identity is an ongoing effort, itself a fluid concept.
So, Shen, did you ask your child parts if they were created two years ago? Or are you saying that? They may know a lot more about that than you, and that information may be helpful to all of you.
Paul and Shen, Thanks for explaining this. When I first started visiting other survivor blogs, I had no idea that this was so common with survivors. I feel only compassion for what you have had to deal with.
Thanks, Pat. Dissociation is so incredibly common and part of how all people function. Everyone uses it as a coping mechanism to some degree. Thanks for your compassion. It's just one symptom of many symptoms that all survivors have to deal with.
We are all so different. Yet in some ways we are all the same. Acceptance is the key to healing no matter what other differences there might be. I think that what acceptance means to each can be affected by the differences though. It's no wonder there is no magic cure for dissociation.
Yes, RisingRainbow, acceptance is enormous! For many, though, acceptance may seem counter-intuitive. I know when I first started the healing journey, I considered everything to be one huge battle. Thanks!
I am one of those people who really sees my dissociative coping mechanism as NOT working for me now as an adult. It certainly doesn't work for my husband and my child. I think almost every part I've worked with so far is finding a more healthy, communicative approach more satisfying.
For me, the key is feeling my feelings in an appropriate way. I like that you shared your anger letter, because that really speaks to this issue for me. Just yesterday, I allowed myself a "time out" to cry and grieve even when it wasn't the most convenient time, because I knew that the alternative would be dissociating and creating chaos. It worked well and I did not dissociate yesterday during a stressful time. This feels like huge progress for me.
Thanks, Paul, for your insights and for sharing this great post for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I so appreciate your support and participation.
Yes, Marj, the key for all healing is to feel the feelings. What's appropriate is subjective, though. Again, I wish you well in your healing journey, to which you are obviously very committed.
It was so timely that I came to this blog. I have struggle with dissociation all my life but only through a therapist did I begin to realize my coping mechanism of dissociation and why I did it.
I wonder how much remembering is necessary. I believe the events that led me to begin the dissociation happened first as a very young child. I have only maybe three memories of growing up and one of those my sister told me was inaccurate. It appears, my therapist is the one that helped me understand this, that I invented the way I wished the memory happened. I created a nice mother and father and memories to accompany that.
At first I wanted to integrate all into one but I am now understanding that I too don't have a core identity. My therapist is helping with that. I start a graduate program soon and I am scared to death to do this.
I still dissociate at odd times but I understand that somehow this must be parts of me that are scared and so I try not to get down because of it.
I hope I can make it through my grad school without my destructive parts trying to wreck the future I am trying to make for myself.
Thanks for all the posts too, those are so helpful. I am bookmarking this so that I can re-read it during stressful times.
Rhonda, I am glad you found something helpful on this site. How much remembering is necessary will vary from person to person. Be easy on yourself. I wish you luck on your graduate program. I hope to see you here in the future!