Holy Week, Church Visit, Scandal, and Miracles
I knew the Christian season of Lent was going to be challenging this year. It always is. But I had a number of important clues for why this one would stand out from the rest. For one, I have a level of internal awareness now that I have not ever had before. For another, internal parts that have dealt with religious issues have been active to a degree I have not experienced in well over a decade. I have had to attend to them, and since things are different now, the way I attend has taken on new significance.
This religious season did not start out well. And I was quite discouraged. On the very first day of Lent, Ash Wednesday, there was a self-harm event that completely caught me off guard. I had somehow not remembered the importance of that day, even though we had talked about it several times in therapy. But parts inside clearly remembered. I then rededicated myself to do better and work more collaboratively to keep "all of me" safe.
My therapist and I have been planning for Easter beginning back at the turn of the year. And, in fact, one of the steps we discussed was going back to the church where a lot of my childhood abuse happened (see photo above). We knew this was a huge step, not to be done without careful consideration. But specific parts were very vocal in asking for it. We talked about all the pros and cons and thought it through carefully. And we waited and resisted the temptation to do it impulsively. We went together a couple weeks ago. The experience was validating, but there were all kinds of different responses. For the first few days, it was all seen as only a healing experience. But then one younger part thought it meant we can now go back to that church and even participate in the ceremonies (presumably as an altar boy). Other parts, particularly those who dealt with the more extreme conflicts about religion, were not heard from for at least a week. That troubled me. When I did finally hear from them, they were not happy, which is the mildest way I can describe their responses.
Immediately after going to the church, the clergy abuse scandal in Europe escalated. This was not any surprise to those of us who have dealt with this for a long time. But it has been big news for the scandal to reach the steps of the Vatican. The news has seemed relentless to me. As I wrote in Thoughts on the Catholic Church Abuse Reports a couple weeks ago, I know bringing abuses into the light of day will lead to healing and increased safety of children. But such news has always been destabilizing for me. That it comes right in the middle of the holiest time of the year, makes it even more so.
On March 19th, Pope Benedict read publicly a letter apologizing for abuses in Ireland. Last year, he read a similar letter during his visit to the United States. But the words were typical, saying some bishops made some "errors in judgment." And there were only words, not action. Then on March 24, the New York Times broke a story that the pope, then a cardinal, was the person who stopped church investigations of a Wisconsin priest who was accused of abusing hundreds of boys at a deaf school. The Times article said:
"Even as the pope himself in a recent letter to Irish Catholics has emphasized the need to cooperate with civil justice in abuse cases, the correspondence seems to indicate that the Vatican's insistence on secrecy has often impeded such cooperation. At the same time, the officials' reluctance to defrock a sex abuser shows that on a doctrinal level, the Vatican has tended to view the matter in terms of sin and repentance more than crime and punishment."
Swiss President Doris Leuthard has called for a central register of pedophile priests in her country. We would do well to have one in the United States as well. In fact, I would go so far as to say that there should be a special offender registry in the cases of any civil action of child abuse (in any church or organization, such as the Boy Scouts). There currently exists none. And in the Catholic Church, since civil cases were filed and settled with the Church, there are no civil authority records on most all priests. Most are listed by the non-profit group Bishop Accountability, but that is not the best solution for protecting children. I believe our sex offender registries are a bit of a joke, since someone can be on it for misdemeanor lewd conduct having nothing at all to do with a child, yet a defrocked, civilly sued, pedophile priest with dozens of victims, is not on the registry. That inequity is not in the best interest of protecting children. So, our governments must hold some responsibility in all of this and need to step up.
To slightly change the subject, but to give an idea of how disconnected the Catholic Church is from reality, Pope John Paul II's track to sainthood is being questioned. The former pope died five years ago. One requirement for sainthood is that there needs to be two attributed miracles. Here's one miracle in his file: A nun in France, had prayed to the pope for relief from what was believed to be Parkinson's disease. Two months after the pope died, she had a medically unexplainable cure. That's probably a miracle to someone, but how is it attributed to him? Recently, there has been news saying that she may not have suffered from Parkinson's at all, but rather another neurological disease which can be cured. Talk about misplaced priorities!
So much is happening at the same time for me. I am being inundated with Catholic Church news, which normally I do not pay much attention to. Inside feels like it is all rushing to a head coinciding with Easter. I have, as a result, been losing lots of time to dissociation, orders of magnitude more than usual. I know I have been psychologically switching self states like a revolving door. I also know that most of the time I am able to show to outsiders (including family) that I appear to be totally normal. This is validating in a sense, because it makes me realize how it was possible for most of my youth. That ability, really, is what dissociation was designed to do (and I will write more about this later).
In the process, safety—that overarching responsibility of mine—is being severely tested. I am trying my best to navigate through all of this muck. I am utilizing all my grounding and coping skills. But I am acutely aware that all of my best efforts may not quite be enough this week.
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Paul,
It must be hard to feel like you are a part of something that has betrayed you... that isn't exactly it, but its as close as I can come to what I feel when I read this (and other posts) here about this topic.
I grew up with my own form of spiritual abuse. Although it was very different from yours, I really do understand how painful this can feel.
I had to find my own way and it sounds as if you also have to, to some degree.
My relationship with God is personal. It is not attached to any religious group or set of beliefs. I feel a connection to God when I look for it. I don't have to be within a certain set of walls, it's just there.
I just wondered if it would help you to make that connection to God before you attend a mass... to walk in already knowing God is in your heart. Maybe every time one of those articles comes up, every time there is a new piece of news, you need to connect with God on your own and know that it is your right and privilege to have Him always there, inside you, no matter what.
I've been switching a lot too. No one ever seems to know. I understand that it can be validating and also that it can be frustrating. In a sense, it feels like the people closest to me don't know me at all if this "stranger" can step in and they don't even notice.
But... it isn't really a stranger to them. Only to me.
Shen, yes, I too have a personal relationship with God that isn't tied to church. But this isn't the case with all of me. My therapist and I went to the church alone, there was no Mass. We were let in and allowed to be there by ourselves. The main reason I went to church was because I wanted to do it to reclaim some power, validate a lot, and teach the lesson that it was just a place and that it's now 2010.
Hey Paul! Thanks for the post. I found it all interesting and at the same time very frustrating that the Catholic Church has somehow deemed itself above all these tools in place now to protect children. This is so disturbing. Who are they that they can get away with this? Why does law enforcement let them? Their behavior has nothing to do with God and they should be accountable for that just like anyone else... registries and incarceration. This stuff really bothers me... the double standards. But, I wanted to hear more about your trip to the church and what that was like for you. I am contemplating revisiting a place from my childhood too. I would love to hear more about it if you can tell me more! Take good care and your post is good!
Thanks Nansie! I wrote a bit more about the visit to the church in my response to the last comment.
I can understand your torment at this time of year. Though I'm not Catholic, things that happened to me were done "in the name of all that's holy." It wasn't holy, was nothing holy about it. But my point is, I work with a lady who is so blindly Catholic that she actually made the comment, "Oh, those Catholic priests don't do that as much as you think, people just like to pick on them." I was floored by that remark, so just so you know, I turned to her and asked what planet she was from that all the bad stuff has eluded her for so long. She pursed her lips, stuck her nose in the air and went and called her priest. Hang in there, Paul, you were terribly brave to go back to the church and I think if you can do that, you are strong (all of you), and you will get past this, too. ((Paul))
Wow Ivory! What a great pick me up!
Wow! I am impressed that you went to the church. Way to go! I can certainly appreciate how difficult that was for you and your system... and how conflicting. I am glad to hear that you are moving forward in spite of the struggle.
I was raised as a Catholic and it angers me that there is a double standard when it comes to priest pedophiles. Grrrrr. We moved so much when I was growing up that I doubt that I could even find the church where I was abused. Well, the one I "remember" anyway. What I really have are fragments of a rectory.
I hope everyone in your system can come onto the same page soon as it will definitely make it easier as you do your healing work.
Take care, Paul, and be gentle with yourself during this "season".
Oh, I forgot to add this link. Be careful if you read it. It is an article written by Sinead O'Connor. She exposes what was going on in Ireland and takes the Pope to task for his "hollow" apology to Ireland. I found the article to be sad, but refreshing.
Article Link: To Sinead O'Connor, the pope's apology for sex abuse in Ireland seems hollow (Washington Post, 3/28/2010)
Thanks OneSurvivor. I copied the Washington Post article you referenced as a PDF file and saved it on my site, because often news links will eventually be broken. I hope to write more on this soon.
Yes, going to the church was hugely healing but also very conflicting and the activation of parts was a bit beyond what I anticipated. Even though there was some major fallout, I think it was the right decision to go. Thanks so much for the vote of support. I am hoping after Easter, that difficult parts will see the healing in it too, instead of it being a direct assault on them. It was, of course, not done with that intention.
I am sorry you were abused through religion. Very sorry.
I also appreciate what you write about the double standard when it comes to pedophile priests. I will write more on that too soon. It's interesting because on of the arguments from some lawyers of accused priests is that these priests were treated unfairly and said the church actually over-reacted and careers were destroyed based on some unfounded accusations. I am not in the right place to even think of commenting on such a defense right now. But I will when I am able and can put together a coherent statement.
Treated UNFAIRLY????? They have GOT to be KIDDING!!!! Grrr! These are grown men against children!!!!!! Oh, that is so angering!!
Careers destroyed??? I thought what they were doing was supposed to be a spiritual CALLING!!!! Anyone who abuses children is not following that calling... IF they ever even had one!! They need to be in a different job... one that does not place them in a position of trust with children. Well.. .actually... they need to be locked up... for life!!
Oh... the nerve... the audacity!!
Sorry... I think I am done with my rant... well... maybe not, but I will stop writing here about it anyway.
Thanks for "listening".
OneSurvivor, You have every right to your rant. I share your sentiments. I think the argument was about some being falsely accused and having their careers destroyed without due process. This view is consistent with what the Church has believed... that this is all overblown and somewhat of a lynch mob mentality aimed at hurting the Church.
As evidence of this belief, the lead story from AP today said this: "Pope Benedict XVI's personal preacher on Friday likened accusations against the pope and the Catholic church in the sex abuse scandal to 'collective violence' suffered by the Jews."
What the heck do they mean by "collective violence"? The historical facts are that the Jews are a people whom others HAVE tried to eradicate...time and time again. That is a straw man argument. It has no relevance or bearing on what happens in the Catholic church.
Not only that... if they HAD gone ahead and ALLOWED due process in ALL the instances of accusations... sooner or later the truth would have been exposed. Besides...what career is destroyed?? They just move them someplace else where they can keep on being a priest. With all these accusations over how many years...how many priests have actually been defrocked???? Any??? I would bet that less than a dozen have. It is shameful. It is scandalous.
This is just so upsetting to me. Sinead's article was a breath of fresh air. She holds onto her faith tightly...but she is not blindly accepting the RCC's claim of ignorance and their belief that they lack culpability. Grrrrr!!!!
I'm sorry. I guess I really need to vent on this. Hmmm... perhaps another blog post in the list of ones I need to finish writing?
Again, Paul... thanks for 'listening'. I know this is your blog... not mine. I want to be supportive of you... not spewing my stuff all over the place.
Gosh... it is amazing to me how hard this is hitting. I am actually fighting tears. Not sure if it is for myself or for all the many children I keep reading about who were abused in the RCC. It just seems to go on and on. And it is not just the RCC. It seems to be everywhere.
Thanks OneSurvivor. Feel free to vent here. I'm happy if people do, as long as they don't vent against me! :) This is something I really cannot avoid writing about and it will be my next blog post. Lots will be said. But nothing beyond my scope of knowledge. But I will focus on how this hit me personally. It should be a bit revealing. But I need to say some things.
Thanks, Paul. Write away. I hope it helps you and the others of us who read here.