Pope Cries, I Paint
It is difficult not to pay attention to the stream of news regarding clergy abuse in the Catholic Church. It is on all the major news sites I frequent, plus the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests issues daily e-mail press releases.
I really do not want this blog to become about clergy abuse. That is not at all my intention. My focus here is squarely on understanding trauma and dissociation particularly as they relate to my own healing.
But I do have to comment when I read something that begs for comment. I feel like it is sort of my public duty. So let me hop onto my blog soapbox for a moment.
The latest news is that Pope Benedict met with clergy abuse victims during a trip to Malta and 'weeped.' The news story included a press statement from the Vatican, which was telling:
"He prayed with them and assured them that the Church is doing, and will continue to do, all in its power to investigate allegations, to bring to justice those responsible for abuse, and to implement effective measures designed to safeguard young people in the future."
One does not need to know much about any facet of this ongoing saga to know that everything said in that statement, after "he prayed with them," is demonstrably untrue.
It is also interesting as to who these "victims" are. They were undoubtedly hand picked and expected to say things like "[I am] trying to regain my faith." But those seeking to restore faith through the Catholic Church do not represent the vast majority of those abused. What about those whose faith has been shattered? Whose spirituality has been twisted by conflicting messages, teachings, and actions? How can that spirituality possibly be truly restored within the walls and constructs of an institution with such weight as the Catholic Church?
I struggle. In my head mostly. And I write. And I talk. And I pay attention. And I draw and paint.
The image above was done as an art therapy directive last week right after leaving the hospital. The directive was to "paint about something lost and something gained." What I lost is a spiritual direction. What I gained is a family, and an ability to ground and contain, and heal.
I know that someday these two sides will have to intersect. I cannot imagine that now, but perhaps they already are. I have had experiences of spirituality not tied to any religion. If you look at the early posts on this blog, you will read about my "consciousness" or "enlightenment" experiences. I also know that parts of my internal system have had similar wondrous experiences that were tied to religion. They were protected for those parts. But as I do the hard work of looking at myself as a whole, I cannot help to know they were really taken away.
That reality poses a huge dilemma for me. It is also one of the big questions that those of us with dissociative disorders have to face.
It could be asked in this way: How do I integrate parts of myself that were protected with parts of myself that were not without going crazy?
Or it could be asked in a much simpler way: How do I heal?
Perhaps this journey, partly documented here, is my spiritual path. Perhaps I am meant to heal. Perhaps I am meant to live.
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Hi Paul, I've had a priveleged life (no abuse). I have also known people who have healed from great trauma. For them it has been small and safe steps. Sometimes the parts we dislike and fear have valid needs or intentions (just extremely unhelpful ways of getting these needs met.)
As to the lies of the Catholic Church words fail me to express an appropriate level of disgust and outrage.
Thanks Evan. I so appreciate your perspectives. I know people heal. And I see myself on that path. Every day I work to validate. It's tiring.
hi paul, i have spent a lot of my life trying to understand religion and spirituality and what this all means. it makes no sense to me that one religion would be "right" and other paths wrong. i can't believe in anything exclusive where people have to change to be accepted. and i can't ignore all the feelings i have about the abuse perpetrated by religious people.
we're all here on this earth together and as far as i'm concerned, whatever helps you feel the most peaceful and content, and comfortable being who you are, and all those sorts of good healing things, that is a good path to walk along. if it happens to be within the laws of the religion of your youth, then fine. but for many, i think there are other ways we can feel most at peace. sometimes it's through finding a different church where we feel more comfortable, sometimes it's outside the walls of any specific religion, but through finding our own personal understanding of the world and the meaning of our life within it.
i think what matters most, is that you're happy.
i wish you peace and freedom in your heart :)
Katie, Your comment is exactly in line with my own thinking; though you said it more clearly! Anyway, I've been wanting to comment on your writing all in lowercase. When I started using e-mail back in the 80s, I had a habit of writing only in lowercase. I loved it for years and years and that was my "signature" way of writing. It's funny that ever since I got my new keyboard a few years ago which is much easier to type on (an Apple aluminum), I find myself using capitals. But it's interesting, and I always wanted to comment on your use of lowercase. Thanks!
Hi Paul,
First of all, welcome back. Well done for taking care of yourself by going into the hospital in the first place.
My own spiritual abuse was different from yours. While you were given a path to follow, one which was blocked in a horrible way, I was given no path and told that there was, indeed, no path. I was told that there was no God and that those who follow any religion or spiritual practice are ignorant cattle, following the heard to an imaginary goal.
In my adult life, the major obstacle in my path to spirituality has been myself. The messages from my childhood were very hard to ignore. If I looked to God for answers, I was filled with shame and self-loathing. It took a lot to get to the point where I could admit to myself that I do believe in God. It took a lot more to admit it to others. I am still very fragile, in the sense that any negative comment about my beliefs would knock me back to - well, maybe not square one, but probably square two.
I guess my point here is that while it will always be true that, while what happened to you and others within the Catholic Church was an awful, hurtful thing, it was really just a handful of people who have caused this hurt. They are not really representitive of catholicism, or Christianity, or religion or spirituality.
That said, I think it's important to remember that the Catholic Church and even Christianity is NOT the only way to God. I truly believe that God has put out as many lifelines as there are people, so there is one for each of us there if we can only find it. Yours may or may not be through Christianity.
So, my suggestion (take it or leave it) would be to seek out some of the other teachings just to see what feels right to you. In twelve-step programs, one is encouraged to find a "Higher Power of their choosing." This concept was so astonishing to me. I was encouraged to define God in a way that was meaningful to me, and then to establish a relationship with this God of my understanding. My God is not a "father" because that word has other connotations to me. It seems to me that God was around before genders were, so defining God as male seems like an act of convenience, as our language demands that we refer to any being as he or she. My God is accepting and not punishing. My God hears Jews and Muslims, Hindus and Christians, Pagans and Bhudists and everyone else. Why would God create the universe and everything in it and then only love those who follow a certain set of rules? Most religions speak of "unconditional love". My God loves unconditionally...
Maybe this is out of line and off topic... I'm not sure. I just felt called to say it here, and I hope it is taken in the best light.
As you speak of healing... remmember that you have already come a long way. It is a process without an end.
Thanks, Shen, for putting such thought into what you wrote. I have mixed feelings about some of it. I do understand that Catholicism doesn't have exclusive right to Christianity. The problem is only that certain parts have such strong views on Catholicism (both positive and negative). It's hard to deny the positive parts. I know what you are saying about the "handful of people". In some ways I don't agree with that in the sense that how abuses have been handled for years has been a systemic problem. I know this is an area I will really have to explore. I know you have and that's a help to me. I get a lot of inspiration from you. Please know that. In many ways, I see the healing path I'm on as being the beginning stages of this spiritual exploration. So, I know there are many questions to be explored. And I thank you for your support. Keep writing on your site. It helps not only you, but others (or at least one for certain).
hi paul :) i'm glad what i wrote about religion resonated with you. i appreciate you sharing about your journey regarding religion and spirituality. i always want to talk with people about this and when other people are willing to talk about their struggles or doubts too, it always helps me feel less alone. thank you.
and as for the lower-case. i've preferred to type this way for so long i had forgotten to notice that everyone doesn't type that way. i don't know why i do it. maybe it's my tiny way of rebelling against "rules".
there may be more to it though. i seem to recall early thoughts of it reflecting how small i feel. that writing with caps actually feels less comfortable. so formal.
thanks for noticing and sharing about your having done this too :)
I love talking about "my little secret", which is lowercase typing! So, the real reason for me is something I'm very aware of. For me it was that it made me feel important that I only responded or wrote to people in lowercase. Like I couldn't be bothered to address them with capitals, partly because I could type faster with just lowercase and get stuff done faster. Also, it was a tradition given to me by my "older" boss. I guess I emulated him on this. But, it's rather interesting how it changed for me... Several years ago I got involved with a large grant, much larger and with more people than ever before. My boss and I were told it was rude to write people emails in lowercase. So, I got in the habit of typing more "normal". I've been wanting to tell someone this story for a long time!!! Thanks!
hi paul :) i sure hope it's not really rude.
i mean, i don't write this way professionally. just in my personal life. i hope people don't find it insulting. to me i find it more personal and comfortable when i see other people writing this way. sort of like how i find it comforting when women don't wear make-up :)
thanks for sharing your reasons with me. i hope you continued to find ways to give yourself a feeling of importance :) i was just thinking about that the other day. giving ourselves that feeling. just holding my head higher and not slouching or slumping when i walk is one thing i've been trying to do lately.
thanks again for this conversation! :)
Katie. No it's not rude. But now "those people" got me writing this way. I only occasionally lapse into no caps these days. Standing straight and holding my head high... That would be super nice! Thanks for reminding me!
If readers are interested in seeing related posts (related to the news I referenced in mine), check out Kay Ebeling's Pope Gets Tears in Eyes and It Makes Headlines? over at City of Angels.
Hi, Paul,
What came to my mind first was that I myself would have written in low letters only as I felt so low. Trying to stay in touch but showing how low I actually am. Today it would now happen to me anymore.
Catholic church: Makes me vomit - sorry to be so blunt. I fled emotional and sexual abuse into a boadring school, a nunnery. I sought shelter and got more emotional abuse instead. Left more damaged than before. Left catholic church which never sat well with me. Anyway the way I was treated confirmed my view.
Ever since, I am on my spiritual path and surely can relate to pagan most, "the old" philosophy of energy in nature, spirited energy all around us, within the universe. Anyway. I do have read more about various spiritual ways however nearly any organised church / religion makes me shiver.
Last Friday a bishop here in Bavaria offered his resignation to the Pope. 3 weeks ago he had sworn by HIS GOD that he never touched a child. By now more people of more then 20 orphanages have reported abuse over the last decade. All orphanges belong to the catholic church. These kids have expereinced torture, yup, I say torture, because even CIA get held responsbile for what they do. These kids were sleep-deprived, spent days/weeks in darkness, no food, were beaten.
You have shown incredible strength over the last few months being confronted with all these news.
I am in your corner.
Paul, looking forward starting our project tomorrow.
Hugs and love, Paula
Wow, Paula. Thank you for writing. I am very sorry you had those experiences with boarding schools where sustained abuses and tortures (your word) occurred. You mentioned CIA. I think what we heard about in the US about CIA was minor, just for publicity. I'm sure there is so much more. Why I originally wrote about Ireland last year and started talking more about the church was because of the government's role in being complicit in what the church was doing there. The government's response here in the US has not been so great either. I'll be in touch with you on the art project.
He doesn't seem to think the biggest problem is with the church but the followers and the world who is watching the church. He actually said, "in light of the attacks of the world, which speaks to us of our sins it’s necessary to be open to repentance and let ourselves be transformed."
However one chooses to see the last part is up to them but the first part stays the church is being attacked by the "world". To me it reads as if they wouldn't be addressing the subject if it weren't for the fact that the world wants them to face up to their crimes against members and society as a whole.
They're still not facing this head on. They're still not accepting full blame.
Austin
I agree Austin. Sad.
I haven't figured out why religion and sexual abuse go together so often. Is it a power thing? Or a power-less thing? I only know from my own experience and that of many other survivors, religion had its place in the mix. It needs to pay a price for that.
Hi anothersurvivor, religion and sexual don't necessarily go together more than other things - we get to hear about it more from the media, but whether it is more common we just don't know.
The overwhelming majority of violence and sexual abuse is domestic/incest.
There needs to be a power differential for the abuse to occur. So it is almost by definition required for their to be a power differential. Rape is a crime of violence not of sexuality in my view.
It would be very interesting to know in which situations other than families that violence and rape (including child rape) occur. I don't know of any research on this. Maybe once men start reporting (I think we are a generation behind the women's movement on this) we may get some more reliable figures.
I agree wholeheartedly with you Evan. The statistics I have read have shown it's not more common, but I don't really take much stock in statistics. The crisis in the church has been how abuses have been covered up and handled on all timescales (at the times of the abuses to even now). I would hope no one holds their breath waiting for more males to report. Not going to happen.
I do think the stats are unreliable/non-existent. And it is the cover up by the institution that is appalling. We are in complete agreement.