Inside
One of the major obstacles facing me is that I have felt like I am not on the same healing path I have been on for the past two years. There are several reasons for this, some my own doing, and some external to me.
What do you do when you feel like you are not on the path? I have been struggling with this question for a while. For me, the time in the hospital has provided me with enough distance from normal life to effect a change and to let it stick.
The other day, My Healing Guide and I did a piece of work together in the hospital, meant to help us realign with each other and inside. It was the first time in a long time that I stepped out of my head or at least "over to the right" a bit.
The work we did was all about being in the process and experiencing emotions without many of the filters that get in the way. Basically, I trusted that I would be okay with the emotions, and things started to connect as I went along.
I started by choosing important oil pastel colors. Those being red, purple, black, brown, blue, pink and grey. I know what all those mean for me.
Not knowing what to do, I just started drawing blobs of color. At first it was red, blue, then pink. When I got to the pink, I knew they had to be balloons for a younger part of me. So, I started making more of them. And as I expanded the red, I started "feeling" that it should have jagged edges. As I was laying down the purple for another part, I eventually knew I had to somehow get a cross in there. The brown tree is another part. I can speculate that the red is anger or something that feels really big, like it was in my last image.
Adding the black came after all the other elements were in place. I knew I would have to get black in. Then it just came to me that the black would sort of border everything, providing compartments much like a maze with dead ends. I wanted to have a ground, and I wanted it to be gray. Ground wasn't meant to be the best place (otherwise it would have been green grass).
This piece was extremely emotional for me to do. I cried while blending in the colors at the end. The process of blending in elements already laid down was very important to me. I had the feeling that I didn't have to "do" any more to the image; just that I was allowing everyone inside to "feel" the image by the act of blending. I felt like I was really doing something with and for parts of me in a way that felt very much like what we used to do.
After, I felt that this was my work. I know that the path I have chosen is not only absolutely right and healing, but remarkable and awe inspiring.
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I really like this one... It's interesting that the balloons are outside the black line, even though you specifically said that the black line would 'border everything, providing compartments'. And if the balloons are for your younger parts... I wonder what that means. Do you know?
Also, can I ask you what or who The Healing Guide is? It may be elsewhere on your blog already, but I must have missed it.
Sorry to hear you're still in the hospital... Although it might be a relief not to have to deal with this yourself.
Laura
Yes, Laura, I didn't realize that the balloons were outside the black border. My Healing Guide is what I call my therapist. I tried for a long while to think of what to call her, and decided recently that was best. I do not know that I could possibly reconnect inside like I need to outside of the hospital. I needed this space to do this work. Thanks for your good wishes.
I agree, I think that it is almost impossible to do really intensely difficult and frightening (risky) work like that without being in a safe and contained space.
A lot of books and resources push the necessity of always being able to do the important work as an outpatient. Probably it's just a function of what a difficult time I'm having right now, but to me it feels impossible to reconnect inside and give up dissociation as my primary coping tool when I'm also expected to leave the office and keep myself going to work, to maintaining my marriage, etc. It just doesn't feel safe, and it feels unfair of my therapist (and therapists in general) to expect me to - I don't see them offering to help me on a day to day level.
I hope that doesn't seem too bitter... It's just something I have been feeling a lot. I am really wishing I could have the support of the hospital right now, even though I don't 100% NEED it.
Expectations of recovery feel very unfair sometimes.
Laura
Laura, I think what you wrote at the beginning of your comment was contradicted in the end. It doesn't make sense to wait until things are absolutely in a full blown crisis to come into the hospital. Because it takes that much longer to get back to "ground". I think so often it's written about doing all work outpatient, because of the lack of access to good inpatient care. That's not true for you, so you have to ask yourself are things really going in the direction you want, or can you do something to change that?
Best wishes Paul. Sounds like you have made some progress. As painful as this drawing might have been, as you said, it was about all of you! Have you done much work that represents everyone? To me this represents alot of progress. Keep up the good work!
Thank you Nansie. Yes, I've made progress. But not as much as I would like.
Hi Paul, please be patient with yourself. Progress in small steps are better than a standstill. I think it's good that you can go into hospital if you need it and it's a safe place for you all. I'm glad that art therapy helps you so much.
Your decision of "no more church news" in a previous post is a good one. It helped us to decide the same. We cannot handle this anymore, it's destabilizing too much.
Thinking of you and we often hear the songs you played on the piano :) This helps us in hard times like now.
Take good care
LostShadowChild
It's a remarkable image Paul. Lots of strength and movement. It's the red and darker blue figures that particularly strike me.
Thank you LostShadowChild and Evan. I'm glad something I wrote was able to help you LSC. I'm really trying. It's really up and down here. It's not as all as linear as I implied in this post.
I don't think healing is ever a linear process... It can be incredibly messy and confusing. My thoughts are with you Paul.
This piece of art is incredibly powerful. It's interesting that you chose red as the first colour to use. You mention that each colour had meaning for you, so it's interesting that the red touches some colours (for example the purple), but is totally separate from others (for example the brown). Then, as Laura says, the balloons are outside of the black border and compartments, yet linked to them with black string/ties?? It's amazing the stories and emotions we can tell within our art.
Please take care and go gently,
CG
Listening within is so hard, sometimes. SInce I had my ceremony, people keep asking me how I am and I've been hesitant to say anything because life is so hectic right now that it's hard to listen - although I do feel like I am better than before.
It's great that you are making the space to let what is inside surface, to fill the needs of those who may not always be heard. When I draw, paint or work with computer images, I get completely lost in what I'm doing and sometimes great insights pop up unannounced.
I'm glad you've found what is working, right now.
Thanks Shen. In many ways, your ceremony and my going to the church are similar. I was not able to easily manage what happened inside as a result. That's changing. I was beginning to wonder if it was worth it (going to the church). This progress I have made now confirms that while it was not easy, it was definitely worth it.
Very inspiring!
It looks like you had an awesome opportunity here. It is always interesting to do healing art. Even when we are not sure what everything means we do know that it means something important to someone. Thank you for sharing this piece and for sharing your thoughts on it.
I hope you don't mind my sharing what I see in it. I don't often see things in other people's artwork this vividly, but I really feel I must share. It may not relate at all to what you all are expressing in this piece. I hope nothing is offensive. Sometimes I have insight. Sometimes not.
When I look at the black, on the left it almost looks like a body that comes up and bends over with two arms that spread in two directions. In fact, that is what made me think first of the purple circle being a head because the black going around it reminds me of a head with the purple being what is inside the head. I know, kind of odd here.
If I assume the black is facing somewhat away from me, I see the right arm coming down and the hand joining the other hand that is coming from the arm going around the top. It looked like a thumb and fingers on the left, which made think of hands, which led to the arms, etc. It feels like the arms are wrapping around and protecting. The children are safe and don't need protection so much. They are already able to enjoy life, hence the balloons.
Looking further, the red seems to represent the inner pain that is felt. Pain is jagged, it cuts, it hurts, deeply. Insiders in pain can also often lash out in their pain, poking and stabbing those around them.
Yet, the pain touches the cross. I know that, for me, a cross would most likely represent Yeshua and it is in Him that I find my healing. It is to Him that I give my pain. The cross, especially with that color, could represent royalty for me. The Holy Spirit within (round circle inside the head) could represent the Holy Spirit living within, making you a royal child.
I know you have a spiritual heritage. I don't know where all it took you, but if you ever reached out to Yeshua and connected with Him, then you have the Holy Spirit inside of you. The Spirit does not leave just because you have issues with the church or even with G-d. After all, G-d is not a religion. He is not an organized group of people, nor is He very well represented by a group, but by all the individuals who are His true children.
The brown tree, seemingly insurmountable, to me, seems to represent all the obstacles that you face in your healing. But I see you rising above them all. I see you embracing your inner selves. I see healing.
Anyway, for what it's worth, that is what struck me when I saw it. I hope I have not overstepped my bounds.
Take good care of yourself, Paul. I look forward to reading your next post.
Wow OneSurvivor, you saw so much! While what you say is probably somewhat true, I think seeing other survivor's art helps us reflect on what is inside us. Thank you for saying what you saw in it.