No more church news for me. Well, I know there is news, but I have been making a conscious decision to tune it out and not read any. The fact is that I was really destabilized by all of what has been happening.
I had thought I left the hospital last month in better shape than I really did. Unfortunately, it was one of those situations where I actually left standing on quicksand, and life quickly got out of control. There were very highly functional parts of me in the fore, but also very dysfunctional (and dangerous) parts were equally in the fore. I could not keep track of everything, hence the post We Have Met the Enemy... from a couple weeks ago.
And so I am back in the hospital. So far here, it feels like I have still not really been able to gain any traction. Though this post may be one step towards gaining some.
This morning's art therapy group was focused on self-assessment, with the directive to represent body sensations, thoughts and emotions contained in a circle. With many of these directives, I have to think a lot about what I want to do and why and I am very deliberate. I did not do that this time. I just focused on the process.
I see this is the first art posting on the blog using oil pastels. I rather like working with them because once you lay down the vibrant color, you can use your fingers to blend and it becomes a very tactile process.
The only conscious decision made was to choose red and black.
Looking back on the image, I see the black jagged barrier as separating me in two. The black splotches represent parts of me. It appears they are trapped. But it is unclear to me that they would be any better if the barrier would be removed, since the top half of the picture is the same scary red as the bottom half.
All I know is that we are separated now. The collaboration is not there. And I am stuck.