Is This a Vacation or Allowing?

My last real post was a month ago from the hospital when there was a huge internal reordering (see: This is Change). In the month since, I have been on a virtual vacation. I have been somewhat disengaged from therapy and somewhat disengaged from paying attention on the inside.

I have seen this before. When I am disengaged in this way, it usually means I am also functional. But it also means I am less safe from self-harm. And then eventually I land myself in the hospital. I understand it all in the following way. When I am not actively paying attention and attending to what is going on inside, this does not really address the internal needs. There is then usually a push-back and acting out, which can sometimes become dangerous.

I seem to be striking a balance, though, this time. I am disengaged, clearly, by some measures. But also engaged enough to keep myself safe.

I liken it to a hands-off chief executive (or coach, driver or whatever metaphor you want to use). Before my "vacation", I was a very hands-on CEO, which drained my energy and wore me out. Now, I am allowing everyone in my system to be themselves without me being so involved in the nitty gritty of day-to-day functioning. That requires trust.

That is a crucial aspect of the vacation, which makes me not even want to call it that at all. I, as the CEO, am not gone. For a long time, I have been regularly challenged by "My Healing Guide" to allow. What she means by that is to allow parts to have a voice and to be themselves. I think there has been a general consensus, internally and externally, that I am too controlling. I have been "micromanaging" for a long time now and I cannot do that forever.

The way things are now carries risks. It would be perfectly fine if parts were all self-sufficient and everything they did was safe and healthy for the rest of the system. But it is not that way. There have been internal threats to safety and struggles with eating. But no more so than when I was micromanaging. In fact, I almost think that the micromanaging made things worse.

Throughout all of this, boundaries are in place. Lines that cannot be crossed. Since these have held firm, I do not see any need right not to change things.

I am not even sure if it is within my power to do so.

It is like my system is relaxed a bit to a place that is more natural. And, on the flip side of the negatives, are very clear positives. For one thing, there is a life to live and that is happening. I have more time with my kids and family. I am outdoors working in the yard (doing a rather large landscaping project right now). I have been making photographs again. I have taken walks. I picked up the trumpet after nearly 30 years and it sounds quite good.

I think all of this is directly related to the internal changes that happened in the hospital last month. My system is in flux now. And it appears that the parts who are most active now are the ones who were the most quiet before. The changes were so dramatic that it is natural for me, and probably required, to take a step back and trusting that parts will reorder on their own terms.

So now you know what I have been quiet and not reading others' blogs or e-mailing those of you I normally keep in touch with. Please do not take it personally. I am just using my time differently for the time being.

I will publish the Expressive Arts Carnival in the coming days. If you want to submit, please send to paul@mindparts.org.