Vacation Over
In Is This a Vacation or Allowing?, I see I painted a certain picture which was not totally accurate.
In my defense, I believed what I wrote last week to be entirely true at the time. But, just a couple days later I seriously self-harmed.
I saw the warning signs. I knew I was not engaged enough or paying attention enough on the inside. But, I convinced myself I was doing things differently, that I was achieving the always sought after internal balance. I said I was being a hands-off CEO, but still "driving," to use a favorite term of "My Healing Guide".
I do believe that there is a lot of truth in what I wrote. Not micromanaging my entire system is unquestionably a good thing. Allowing myself to engage in soothing activities, like my landscaping project, and rekindle past interests, like playing the trumpet, are also positives. But I allowed what was going right to overshadow what was going wrong.
I am going to use what has happened as a learning opportunity. One solution, a natural and familiar one, would be to swing the pendulum and assert full control. I think I learned, though, and this is new for me, that such a solution does not allow adequate expression of parts of me. If I assert full control, I will achieve the same negative outcome as if I am completely disengaged. To be disengaged leads to parts utilizing dysfunctional coping. To be controlling leads to my being an enemy of many inside. Self-harm is the typical result for both solutions.
This is all about balance. I am convinced it is the key to everything, but I have almost come to think of it as a four letter word.
The concept of a really great CEO, in the truest sense, is all about balance. I am determined to do it better this time. I do not have to go back to the drawing board or give up. Instead, what I am going to do is just make some small adjustments. I should continue to do many of the same positive things I was doing last week.
But the adjustments must come by increasing my level of engagement. I have to be more mindful and pay more attention. I need to document feelings. I need to keep my eye on the ball and be a little more hands-on.
In short, I think it means I am not able to have a vacation. Maybe next time I will just call it a short break.
I will publish the first Expressive Arts Carnival this Thursday. This means if you have been meaning to submit, but have not yet, there is still time. I will need your submission by Thursday 9AM EST. So far I have 6 wonderful entries. Send submissions to paul@mindparts.org.
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hi paul~ i'm glad you're experiencing some changes that feel good. like being able to play music and garden, and not micromanage and control yourself to an extent that isn't helpful. i can relate to focusing on things that are going well, or trying to, while not attending to something else going on that is hurting. i think sometimes i try to "force" myself to be happy. part of it i think is fear of facing the underlying painful issues. avoidance.
but i think you're right. if we can balance paying attention to the painful stuff that needs our mindfulness, as well as to everyday activities that can help us feel good and grounded. that is a good way to navigate.
it's hard to know what's right when you're in the thick of things. but it sounds like you're doing well in all this~
nice to hear from you. i've been wondering if you're ok. i'd checked to see if you'd posted a few times, but missed this last post.
wishing you well, paul~
Thanks Katie. I appreciate your comments. One of the problems is that the stakes are so high. It would be nice if not being able to balance things correctly led to a minor inconvenience. But when it leads to near catastrophic and life threatening self-harm, it's hard to stay positive. I likened my experience today with My Healing Guide, and this is something we've said before, to walking on a tightrope, on a unicycle, backwards, blindfolded, and chewing gum.
Hi Paul, I prefer to use words like 'integrate' than balance.
I may just be arguing about words, but here is an example of what I mean. We can swing from passive to aggressive and eventually get used to the swing and do it smaller and more subtly. This would be finding balance. To integrate would mean listening to and observing our aggressive and passive selves and developing a receptive resilience, and a flexible responsiveness.
I think we may be talking about the same thing using different words, but I wasn't sure; so I wouldn't to lay out my understanding and see if we are on the same page.
It sounds like you are moving in a very positive direction, congratulations.
Hi Evan, I understand your definitions. I like them. One way to think of it is that you have to first find some balance before you can do the integrating (and I think we both don't mean integrating in the D.I.D. sense). Oftentimes I am so out in left field about what parts of me think and do that to "integrate" is akin to finding a way to put a man on Pluto. But I do get what you are saying. I think healing is definitely about becoming more resilient and flexible. In DID terms it really is about lowering the barriers, developing more flow between parts, tolerating distress, and regulating emotions. So, to just say balance, as I did, is not giving due credit to what one has to really do on a day in and day out basis. Thank you.
Paul,
I'm sorry that the learning came from a dangerous experience.
Kind regards,
CG
Thanks CG. I'm glad, at least, that I did learn.