Expressive Arts Carnival No. 2: Internal World
Welcome to the July 2010 edition of the Expressive Arts Carnival. This month's theme, see the announcement, was to "use any visual means (e.g., drawing, painting, photography) to represent, in an abstract way, your experience of all or part of your internal world."
Entry 1: Clinically Clueless
Clinically Clueless wrote: These are my fingerpaintings that I did a several years ago when I did not have words to describe what was going on inside. The second painting reminds me of a hurricane and I think "Eye of the Storm." I'm in the eye where it is calm and I can just be which means a tremendous amount of sadness and hopelessness surrounded by constantly moving pain, emptiness and terror.
Entry 2: Katie from Sharing our Spaces
Katie wrote: I felt intimidated by this exercise at first. But I really enjoyed it once I got going.
Entry 3: Ivory
Ivory wrote: I chose this one because many times, I feel I'm not exactly conscious or not exactly seen as if there is a thick dark cloud all around me, keeping me from being seen. There is so much more to me than anyone ever gets to see and I'm often judged unfairly because of it. I'm here, but no one can see me.
Entry 4: Kerro
Kerro wrote: To me this represents my eternal quest for balance - balance between the light and the dark; the good and the bad; the emotional, physical and spiritual. I haven't got there (yet) but I keep trying. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to get there. It's a never ending struggle, each competing with the other for prominence. The lightness tries to spread its wings and counter the darkness, but the darkness is always there, lying in wait, sneaking up on me and my light side to grab me just when I don't need it to. The use of black and white is no coincidence. My internal world is very black and white; there's no colour at all. I'm trying to counter my black and white thinking but the internal world is still monochrome.
Entry 5: Inner Family
Inner Family wrote: We have a special room inside we call the library. It's quite possibly a cliché, but it's ours. A brightly-lit fireplace, always burning as if it's the spark to our soul, flanked by floor-to-ceiling bookcases. Knowledge is power. Above the fireplace, a view of much of the rest of inside: hallways leading to our individual rooms, where we can close the door to the world. Yet we are never really alone. Always there are those inside who watch and wait. And alone, in the spotlight, the child we were, the innocence we lost. Despite the warmth of the fire, the lure of retreat and sweet oblivion, there is pain. A bloody hand print, evoking a sudden gasp, a gut-clenching aversion that leaves its stamp on our reality. To survive, we had to rally together, the inner family.
Entry 6: OneSurvivor
OneSurvivor wrote: This is a symbol/picture of my system. Petals on a flower. It is possible that there is a significance to the number of petals, but I am not going to get into that here.
Entry 7: Shen
Shen wrote: To me, each door represents a part, inside. Some are open and some are closed. The rainbow door on the front is the one I think of as me, most of the time. It is the face I show the world.
Entry 8: Castorgirl
Castorgirl wrote: Shadows... The lower left corner represents areas which are in total darkness, while the upper right corner represents areas which are flooded with light. These two extremes are linked by varying degrees of shadow intensity.
Entry 9: Stacy
Stacy wrote: I've never looked inside.
Entry 10: Paul
I wrote: When I don't have access to what is going on internally, it feels like this. Just empty and all broken up.
Entry 11: Jahda
I selected a frame from a video Jahda submitted (not her own). You can see the video at Broken Mirror by David Maroto.
That's all folks! Thanks to all those who contributed. If you think this Carnival is worthwhile, then let others know about it and we can continue to increase the submissions for future months.
The Expressive Arts Carnival was founded to to bring survivors together through expressive arts activities. On the Carnival's home page you can find links to all activity announcements and Carnival publications. Activities are posted on the first of every month and submissions are open for approximately 3 weeks. The Carnival will be posted shortly after submissions are closed.
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I wanted to comment on the Carnival. First, it is so gratifying to see so many take the time to do this activity. It's nice to see us come together in one place to do these visual pieces. I think it's a good complement to the other Carnivals out there.
It is very interesting how many varied approaches were taken for the same directive, using such different mediums. I can identify with all the works and see similarities to ones I have done over the years. One example of that is the "multiplicity" in a single work, like Inner Family's many eyes, OneSurvivor's many petals, Shen's many doors, Stacy's many reflections, and my many chairs. This concept of pieces seems to be present in most all the works. Castorgirl's submission is of shadows. I couldn't help but notice that it looks quite like an X-Ray image of soft tissue. So, in that sense, her submission, to me, really is an internal image. While all the entries are powerful, Stacy's reflections and layering touches me deeply and was the inspiration for my breaking up my image.
Thank you to everyone who participated. And to those who are viewing!
I look forward to next month.
What a wonderful collection of entries! I've really enjoyed looking at them and reading people's comments.
Thanks for starting this, Paul.
Wow. These are all incredibly strong works.
Paul,
Thank you for doing this and including my submission. There is really powerful work here. It stirred my emotions.
take care,
CC
CC: Thanks. Just to clarify, everyone's submission will always be included in any carnival. I don't want people to think I pick and choose who gets to be in.
I want to say thank you for including me.
Still lost ... but seeking ...
Stacy
You're very welcome Stacy.
These are all so different and amazing. It is fascinating to see how people view themselves, on the inside, and to try to connect that to what they are willing to show on the outside.
We are all so complex and unique and, really, it seems as if those of us who are struggling are more in touch with who we are inside than many who have never had the conflicts we've endured.
What a great comment, Shen: "...it seems as if those of us who are struggling are more in touch with who we are inside than many who have never had the conflicts we've endured." Certainly, recovery forces people to look inside. Of course I cannot know what kind of person I would be had I not been had an abusive childhood. In some ways, I think I may have been more successful in other areas of my life. And certainly much of my life (and much of inside) really sucks. But self awareness? Looking inside? I don't think I would be doing that had I not a reason to.
These are just amazing! I can relate to every single one of them—perhaps too much, lol!
The project I had originally planned to do didn’t quite work out—a photographic representation of my mind before beginning therapy and after many years of therapeutic work—so I spent most of the past few weeks considering other options. I found I was thinking about the project just about every day, and through doing that was able to tune in more to what was happening internally by trying to capture it visually. Mulling over it was kind of a therapy in itself!
What I eventually discovered was that I had to figure out who was looking at the internal world with the intent to capture it visually, and so that became a launching point for more even more questions.
Unable to determine who indeed was doing the looking, I submitted the David Maroto video instead, but I’m curious what the process of the past few weeks of preparing and doing this project was like for everyone else?
For me it was priceless—rather like trying to solve a Zen Koan—so thank you so much Paul, for such an enlightening past few weeks!
Thanks Jahda for your kind words. I'm glad you found the process helpful. Speaking for me personally, I'm in a unique position, because I see each submission as they come in. I will say that I had several options. I had sort of the same thought process as you: like from what perspective am I looking? And, yes, it got a bit confusing because the more I tried to look, the more I realized that the views were shifting. So, I was planning to submit the full image of the empty chairs (which I shot a couple years ago actually). Then it was partly because of the submissions and partly because I felt a bit more fragmented than usual, that I decided to break up the image and move the pieces around. But, yesterday, I did another image. While it would have worked equally well, it was a totally different experience. I'll post that in the coming days (as well as the original unbroken photograph). I find that doing the activities as a group helps me. I felt alone doing things like this with just me and my therapist. I have ended up losing some motivation. Doing them with you has increased my motivation to visually represent my experiences and I find myself doing it more and more. So, a big win for me personally.
Thinking about the chairs is a total mind-trip! So many interpretations, especially with them broken up that way. What are they all looking at anyway? What's the "show"? Reality as we know it? So many different perspectives for the same "event", and broken up it kind of reminds me Indra's Net and infinite possibilities.
Have a feeling I'm going to be thinking about all of these for a very long time. It's kind of like you can crawl into them and then see the world through the perspective of the person who created them.
This was really an excellent activity from all perspectives!
Wow, Paul! This is absolutely phenomenal! The works are so expressive. I could really relate a lot to many of them.
I want to join this carnival, but I don't want to promise when I'll do that and then not be able to keep my promise. It seems, for the past several months, all my creative juices have just dried up except for what I need to work on my certificate in botanical illustration (and I didn't even finish my last plate yet; I'm paralyzed for fear of ruining it at the last minute).
I haven't written any poetry, done any collages. Hell, I just came back from the gorgeous mountains and didn't even take photographs--my husband took them all.
This happens to me sometimes and I can't explain it. I hope it passes soon. I want to jump back in!
Well, anyway, kudos for a wonderful carnival!
@Jahda: Mind trip, huh? I guess that's what us dissociatives are good at.
@Marj: Thanks so much. Yeah, I am excited by what people are doing. It feels really good. I do hope you can join at some point. I plan to keep doing this every month, so don't feel pressured. I'm sure at some point you will join us and we will still keep doing it. Plus, when you creative juices start flowing again, you can look back at the prior activities if you want too. I think those phases are normal. That happens to me a lot. Don't worry, they'll start flowing again.
Just wanted to mention that I did make this my "Link of the day"
Thanks Shen!
@ Jahda and Paul –
Mulling over this was a kind of therapy for me, too. I was pretty clear from early on that my image would be black and white, but I wasn’t sure what form it would take. Initially I thought photographic or collage because I could have a more controlled and “cleaner” image if that makes sense. Then I turned to drawing because I thought, for me, it would be more authentic. I was right.
I don’t have DID so the question of who was doing the looking was perhaps less relevant for me. I did want it to be a reflection of my internal state, though, without censorship or “perfecting”. That’s where the drawing helped.
I’m really interested in a representation of my mind before therapy and after. For me it feels like the before picture would be very ordered, contained and controlled. The after feels like a giant mess. Sigh.
I've really enjoyed seeing everyone else's entries, and their reflections on them. I agree with you, Paul, that doing this as a group is motivating, and also good for personal insight. Thanks again!
Amazing contributions! Thank you so much for coordinating this. I hadn't done any truly creative artwork in years and this was a wonderful opportunity. We literally pulled it all together in a couple of hours, and the best part of it, aside from the finished product, was the cooperation in making it.
Being new to blogging and new to the online DID community, this was a wonderful place to land. Thank you!
I just wanted to comment on what the process was like for me. But first I do want to say that I have never been diagnosed with DID or anything else -- I have stayed far away from diagnostic folks for as long as I can remember. But I do see a journey ahead of me, and while it may be different or akin to those associated with this Carnival, I do appreciate the opportunity to share.
Recently, there has been trauma in my life and this trauma has opened things up that I've ignored for a lifetime. Pretend and it will all go away.
The actual process of my image of reflections took absolutely no thought. It was if my hand found & placed the reflections with little or no direction. I feel as if the only thing I did was bring certain layers forward, etc. Then I fell asleep --- completely passed out -- with the mouse in my hand. I almost panicked when I awoke because I thought I had missed the submission deadline! Of course, I had waited until the last minute to decide to participate.
It was a very important step for me to actually submit something reflective "of me" to a broad audience. That process took much more thought and decisiveness than the actual image.
Stacy
@Inner Family: That's great. I'm glad you found the experience to be good for you. My personal belief is that art is a great way to complement other methods to heal. So, I hope you stay with us and continue.
@Stacy: Yes, DID is not at all a criteria. Yes, I know several readers here are DID. But several are not. The focus is healing. While I talk about dissociation a lot, whether we are DID or not is not that important. When I talk about dissociation, I usually do it so that anyone can identify. I am sorry you have to be on this journey. The journey frequently begins with a rush of awareness. Often it's triggered by other events. I also hope you continue to contribute to these exercises. I hope they help you. The best healing art comes when we don't think! This is so key. Because the purpose is to be able to access and validate the feelings and free yourself from the thoughts which often get in the way. In other words, the art brings you directly to your experience in a way that traditional talking approaches cannot. I appreciate you taking the plunge and participating. I really do. I know that takes courage. The original plan was to have the expressive arts be done as a private group. But I changed my mind on that so that people like you could participate. I wanted it to be open and give everyone the opportunity to join in. Thank you!
Shen said: "It is fascinating to see how people view themselves, on the inside, and to try to connect that to what they are willing to show on the outside."
This was the difficult thing for me... knowing what to show to the outside world. I did another piece that was a free-hand drawing, it was closer to that "non-thinking" aspect of healing art that you were talking about Paul. When I looked at it later, I knew I couldn't share it, but I didn't know why. It looks like a amateurish abstract drawing to anyone else, but to us it meant something more.
Take care,
CG
Thank you, Paul!
These are so amazing! So many different expressions...each one personal and unique. Wow!
Thank you for having this carnival, Paul! I am going to share it on my blog. Hopefully, others will see it there and come join in this.