Footsteps
I stand by the road
Watching lives go by
Trapped in a world
Without knowing why
Too scared to love
To believe, to soar
Afraid to find out
What's behind the locked door
Alone in the dark
Being called from outside
Hearing the footsteps
There's no place to hide
Living with memories
Of many long years
Longing to breathe
Without drowning in tears
Not all of the demons
Are locked up in hell
I carry some with me
They know me so well
I try to be strong
To outgrow the past
Feeling the pain
How long will it last?
This was written in the early 1990s. I don't have much of a memory of it, but found it saved in some old files. I think it's relevant today because I have walked through much of what is discussed in the poem. There is so much that is still so hard, but I'm not "locked up" anymore, even though it often will feel that way. The question at the end screams out at me: "How long will it last?" I think in many ways it will last forever.
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We are made up of our experiences as much as we are made up of our genetic material. It will last forever in that it is a part of us. It doesn't mean we will react to it the same way forever. We can adapt to who we are and make things more "normal" and peaceful.
Thanks Shen.
Hi Paul,
I identify with so much of this... thank you for sharing it with us all.
It's interesting, in that I read the last verse in two ways...
"Feeling the pain, how long will it last?"
And then, other times, just the screaming...
"How long will it last?"
I agree with Shen, that we will heal, learn, grow and change... so the "it" won't always be the same, or "it" won't always have this hold over us - similar to what you say in that you have walked through much of what you've written.
Take care and thank you,
CG
Thank you Kerro and Castorgirl. Yes, I spoke in therapy today about how I used to love poetry so much because there were so many different meanings. I think the reason why I don't write much poetry now is because I say things so directly now. In many ways, I view that last line in both those ways.
I was going to say pretty much exactly what Shen said. :)
I also think that it will last forever. When we heal, it can change, it can become better, but it will never go away. It will never disappear. Not with all the experiences we have made.
You should continue with writing poems. They expresses so much (and have sometimes different meanings for each of us).
Thank you for sharing.
Take care
LSC
Thanks LSC. Yes, maybe I'll write more.
Paul...it is so huge not to be locked up anymore. I feel as though doors are starting to open and soon I will not be locked up anymore either. This is huge to me...I could identify with everything you wrote in the poem. It is well written and right on point. Thanks!
Nansie, I'm so happy that you feel things are changing for you.
This poem really resonated with me. Even your comment after. I look at my poetry from 1990s and see how far I've come and also how far I have to go. I'm glad that you see the progress that you have made. I think "how long will it last?" I believe a lifetime, but the intensity, frequency and impact on your life and ability to manage are all possible. I view recovery as a process not a destination.
Thanks CC. Yes, always a process... though there are some good (and bad) destinations along the way.
i can relate to this a lot. and i like that the comments above reflect the idea that some things may last forever but that we can learn to respond in new ways. that helps me feel better about the ways i feel like i don't seem to progress. like some things i think i should be "past" already. but some days it's as though i'm stuck in an old place i thought i'd long ago left behind.
also, it can be very healing and informative to look back through old writings and artwork. i'm glad you have some to look back on that you still get something out of. that's great.
thanks for sharing this poem, paul. it's great.
Thanks Katie. Yes, it's important, though, to be in a good place when you look through old writings/art. Sometimes you can find things to be very triggering. I tend to look back on old stuff when I'm feeling lost and need some connection.