Vacation, Changes, and Derailment
Last week was our family vacation to the beach. I had mixed feelings about going. One of the reasons was that I had been "off the healing track" for months and felt like I was just getting things back on track in the couple weeks leading up to the trip. I did not want to upset that. Another, is that these days I find it almost impossible to sleep away from home without huge difficulties. But, I also saw the trip as an opportunity to have well-deserved together time with my wife and girls away from the daily routine.
The trip was precisely the mixed bag I had anticipated. Every night I had nightmares or very weird dreams (something I had not experienced for a long time). My Healing Guide (therapist) was, for the most part, "out of sight, out of mind." And I flirted with what I guess was denial, wondering what I could possibly have to heal from or why it wasn't over with already? That was not really a bad thing. We all need a vacation from work or from our troubles. During the days, I was quite engaged with the family and had virtually zero difficulties. We played paddleball on the beach, made sand castles, got a tan, played harmonica, and cooked lobster. So, by any measure, it was a success.
When I came home, though, the vacation meant almost nothing. The experience was lost. Even though I have the pictures, they very much have a "newspaper" feel to them.
Then, yesterday, I realized that I was in "robot mode." I was not really connected internally in any meaningful way. I was "off the track," which was something I wanted to avoid. I know that is not good. It puts me at risk. It means that I am more vulnerable to triggers. I am more apt to deal with things in a more fragmented way. My safety becomes jeopardized.
Funny how that happens, huh? Vacations are meant to recharge you so you can resume life with renewed vigor. That like never happens for me! I know this is not the first time dealing with this vacation issue. In June, I wrote Is This a Vacation or Allowing? where I thought I was taking what I thought was a "healthy" internal vacation, but it was not good for me. Last October, after being completely functional while my wife went away on her own vacation, I had a huge collapse that I wrote about in The Boat is Sinking or Is There Even a Boat?
Maybe part of the problem, if you want to call it that, is that we came back from vacation to some big changes. This week is the unofficial start to Fall. And I recently discovered I have an aversion to seasonal changes. The kids started school today. And work officially "ramps up" now for me, as I am on an academic calendar.
I know I have to find my equilibrium. I just get so disoriented so easily it seems. I will try to take it easy on myself. I will try to shift things away from fragmentation. I will try to get on the track again. I know the types of things that I can do to help. They entail checking-in internally, journaling, not throwing myself completely into work.
It is all about balance you know. Of course, those of us who dissociate, know that balance is difficult to achieve. I usually say it is difficult because we are trying to do it while riding a unicycle on a tightrope, backwards, blindfolded, chewing gum, in hundred mile hour winds. But the funny thing is that we can actually do it!
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Last week when I wrote Vacation, Changes, and Derailment, I had high hopes that I would be able to settle things down internally and find some balance. And, rightly so. Over the past few years, I have made great... Read More
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Hey Paul!
Sounds like you did get some fun in and in the long run that will help. If vacations were more often we could incorporate them and set up a mode for that. Since they are not, we become fish out of water for a period of time. If we attend the event and/or practice attending it, this is supposed to be really good for us. The more attending the better. I am working on this diligently. It is so easy to slip into auto-pilot and do what I always do. Life is much easier this way because we are used to it. The thought of attending sometimes produces anxiety for me. Sounds like you did great though with your family and the activities. "Robot" mode is a very interesting thought for me. I would love for you to write in detail sometime about what that is like for you and what it represents. It would be nice to know what this is like for others. It is a great way of putting it though. I am sure you will level back out and be comfortable in no time. Always nice to come home after being away. Nothing like my bed and home surroundings to get me back in sync again.
I did start my own blog and am slowly writing. I don't know if I am even doing it right but it is a start. I can always edit stuff later. The beginning of a long journey I am sure. Take care and try to relax with everything going on. I know the academic scene is crazy right now, kind of reminds me of the hustle and bustle in the city at Christmas time. I like to watch people. I really want to be able to "feel" like I fit in with the rest of the world someday. Tall order for me but I'm working on it. :)
Best wishes and hang in there. Your work is great!
Thanks Nansie. One of the things I do to help keep me on track is to catch up on blogs. So, I will be sure to check out what you are writing. Congratulations on getting it going. I will write about "robot mode" someday soon. It's a great topic because it's important to distinguish it from how we typically experience DID. I'll explain that later.
hi paul, i'm glad to hear that the daytimes of your vacation went so well, but am sorry to hear that the sleep and dreams were disturbed and that you feel fragmented upon your return. i know that even from a non-dissociative perspective, that as a relatively anxious person, often vacations are not as relaxing as i would hope them to be. though positive memories might be made, there's also something destabilizing and jarring about being out of routine, out of the ordinary, away from "safe" places and people and resources, etc. so sometimes it feels like vacations are more stress in a way, than the opposite they are supposed to be.
i hope that as fall settles in, and you spend some time journaling and checking in internally, that things level out for you.
wishing you well~~~
Thanks Katie. Yes, I have a feeling things will settle and that it's not all that bad.
Wow, could I relate to this post! Early in the summer, we took a trip which was really a dream vacation. I had all four of my children with me, my husband and my future son-in-law were there. We returned to our favorite vacation place when my children were little, so it was a reconnecting to the past as well as to all of my family. There were moments when it was wonderful… but mostly I could not allow myself to be fully invested in the trip. I knew my son was leaving at the end of the summer to go to college. I knew my older son now had a girl friend and it had been hard for him to pry himself away. I knew my daughter would be married by the following year… all of these things made it clear to me that this could be our last trip together, and even more likely, our last trip to this particular destination with everyone. We have been there at least a dozen times with the kids over the years and it was all bittersweet this time, watching other young parents with toddlers on the beach, seeing the fidgety little ones in restaurants, or riding on the bike paths on unsteady bikes… And here I was with the teens and twenty-somethings…
I didn’t sleep much. I had weird dreams when I did. I knew I was disconnected but I could do nothing to make it go away. Only those few moments when we were creating sand sculptures together or walking on the beach felt real.
The rest of the summer went on in the same way. The visit from my sister… my brothers coming to my house for weekends… my parents hanging around… the kids planning for school…
The first night I really slept all summer was the day I drove my son to college.
I need to get back on track, too. I need to do my step work and get back to a regular therapy routine and finally it looks as if I will be able to do that in September. I hope we both find our way back to something that feels “normal” – whatever that is.
And yes... we CAN do it.
Shen, Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. Yes, I think it's the routines that I've become accustomed to. As I've healed, I definitely know that's a need of mine... something that helps me stay connected. Of course the goal is to do it on my own completely. But this is a reminder that I'm not there yet.
Evan, Thanks. Yes, well, I will say it was a vacation. It really was. Really. No, Really.
Hi Paul,
I guess something isn't necessarily a vacation for us just because other people say it is.
I read your blog but haven't commented before, but this post has described how I often feel but can never finds words for. One of the reasons I haven't gone on vacation for years is that I don't cope well without a routine.
But really struck me is the 'newspaper feel' to your pictures and not being connected internally. This is how I often feel and now I have some words to describe it.
And, yes, balance does seem to be hard to achieve. I hope that you find yours.
Thank you for posting your comments lostinamaze. Yes, this is an area that's often experienced but hard to describe. I'm glad my description helped you.
Paul! I'm back!
I hope all goes well for you these next few weeks as school gets wound up to idle thru the academic year. When I was in college, those first few weeks were hell for me and I never once wondered what it was doing to the profs!
Also, thanks for hanging in there with me these last few months that I've been "hiding". I've posted why, if you're interested and hopefully, like you said, the danger is no longer a threat.
Thanks Ivory. I will go check it out...
I'm glad you visited my site so now I see yours. I'm sorry your vacation reads like a newspaper story now. I know that feeling all too well. We haven't done a family vacation yet, though we're looking at maybe doing one soon. This is one of the things I worry about.
Thanks undercover. Yes, most of life was like a newspaper until I started making progress on healing. Familiar is okay. All the time isn't so good. Keep in touch.
Hi Paul, I'm really sorry your vacation wasn't the "recharge" that you needed, though I'm glad you had some positive daytime experiences. My recent holiday was almost entirely trouble-free, which was such a new and wonderful experience for me - almost the first time I've experienced that. There should be a rule that all holidays are trouble free and enjoyable experiences!
Hi Kerro. I'm so glad your vacation went so well. I'm doing better, thanks!
I haven't even bothered trying to take a vacation for several years, for exactly this reason; I always felt it was internally disruptive -- and therefore a waste of time and money (that's me; endlessly practical). Luckily, I really had only myself to think about, and therefore I didn't have to take vacactions if I didn't want to, since I wasn't depriving anyone else. Just this past year, I've healed to the point of being able to feel completely safe away from home, and able to experience things in ways more similar to an integrated person's experience, and I have to say, it's all the more wonderful for its not having been natural to me. That, I think, is the one strange benefit of being badly wounded and learning to heal -- we don't take things for granted. And there's some real grace in that.
Thanks David. I've had it decreed that we are going to NYC for the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Any idea how I reacted to that?
So ... this may seem more ... I don't know ... confrontational than I mean it to be, but -- man alive, I can't imagine that anyone who really loves or cares about you would even put anything that crazy-making on the table. That's the kind of thing that makes perfectly *sane* people lose their minds. I'd sooner ride cross-country in the back of a pickup truck full of skunks.
I've always tried to push through those vacations but I'm now practicing being kinder to myself. Some are worth the nightmares, some are not and from each experience-I learn a little more. Never had anyone explain the nightmares but now it seems common sense. As always do what feels good to you and thanks for this place to listen and write.
Thanks anothersurvivor. It's good to know someone else approaches this like I do. And thanks for the compliment.