Out of Control
Last week when I wrote Vacation, Changes, and Derailment, I had high hopes that I would be able to settle things down internally and find some balance. And, rightly so. Over the past few years, I have made great strides at self-awareness and acceptance. My ability to navigate the murky waters of dissociation is much better now.
However, today, my hopes are quickly waning.
I think I need help. More help than I am getting. I think I am in trouble.
When I write about out of control dissociation, I often talk about contradictions. Good, safe experiences often exist alongside scary, unsafe experiences. So, I can be tending to my gardens and playing piano one moment. And find myself getting horribly hurt in another moment. Since both types of experiences are not separated by much real-life time, I am left utterly confused, shattered, and broken.
Yes, I hurt myself. I know for sure I hurt myself last night and I have some small memory of the day before that and almost no memory of therapy on Tuesday.
I have talked before about how common it is for survivors of child sexual abuse to recreate the abuse in the present. I struggle in my understanding of that. In some way, I see it as an attempt at control. In another way, I see it as confirming perception of self-worth. In still another, I see it simply as not being grounded enough in the present so that old coping is more apt to be called upon. It is difficult to put the pieces together, because all can be true. I do know that last night was very dangerous and not compatible with the life I lead and the ideals I aspire to.
I also know that over the last few days I have been very erratic. I have been losing lots of time. My emotions have been all over the place. I have been picking fights one minute and being incredibly patient and kind the next. I have not seen the red flags, or saw them and simply blew past them and did nothing.
I am well aware that getting hurt does not solve anything in 2010. And my new awareness makes recovery from self-harm difficult. In the past, self-harm events (or self-harm coping) would easily be forgotten because there was not much permeability between parts of myself. Now, this is not the case. Today, I am besieged by flashbacks, pain, panic, and a sense of being totally broken.
Denial adds another layer of difficulty. Even though there has been a lot of lost time, there is a good deal of permeability between dissociated parts of my mind. That leads me to a place of not accepting parts. Of thinking it is all made up. That it is simply a convenient excuse to explain erratic behavior. I say I am a fraud. This leaves me even more confused. Because while I can understand the logic, I know it is some kind of internal ruse.
So, I am left holding the pieces and do not know how to put them back together. I am left knowing that I brought this on myself. How do I accept that? Everything is out of control.
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Dear Paul,
Sometimes, I get into cycles of "...this is too good to be true, something's not right here... BAM." I don't know if those of us who were severely abused have good coping mechanisms for navigating the regular ups and downs of, well, ordinary life. It's not what we were taught, it was not supported, and too often, when we were kids (doing "normal"), we were interrupted with random violence that too often seemed to come out of nowhere.
To this day, I go through periods of holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak... and there's no one here, in my life, that would drop that shoe.
Our whole lives were organized around chaos, not logic. I think it is very hard to teach ourselves a new order of living.
My heart goes out to you as I write this. I can relate to your predicament so, so very well.
Remember this: you had enough control to write a very intelligent post, so some controls are in place and working well.
Best wishes,
~meredith~
Thank you Meredith. And thank you for introducing me to your blog. I will check it out. Yes, I know what you say is so true. But I can't seem to do anything with what this. Yes, I know I have the skills to work my way out of this. It's just that often they've required the hospital to help reset things. And I don't want to go there.
hi paul, i have no advice nor have i been in the same state of mind as you, but regardless of my ability to relate, you have so much compassion from me. i'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. i think the fact that you can write this post seems like a good sign. in my experience with my own emotional problems, just being able to admit and recognize what's going on is important in and of itself.
i'll be thinking of you and sending caring and peaceful energy your way.
Thanks Katie!
Hey Paul!
I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this chaos right now. I can identify with you because this type of thing has been going on for me too. The first thing I would caution you on is the hospital. I know you don't want to go but if any part of you does not feel safe from harm then you need to reconsider. The other parts as well as you need to know that when the part that does self harm acts up it will be addressed and not tolerated to hurt all the parts. Hopefully the self harm part will get that boundary and look for another safer way to come out. At all costs you and the other parts have to be able to count on the fact that you will all be kept safe from the self harming part. Please be safe.
My chaos has been horrible this week too. I go so far as to have the same conversation twice at times because I do not remember anything prior. Very confusing combined with the other stuff that happens when time is lost.
Was there anything on the vacation that triggered trauma for you? Did you feel trapped in any way with anything? As I am working through what set this off I am recognizing that some trauma was triggered this last weekend and feelings of having no control. By connecting these dots I am starting to get some ground again... but it is rocky. Right now I am going through the motions of life that bring comfort to me when I am grounded. I also took a day trip with my husband to try to inject interference into the cycle I was experiencing. Right now I think it has helped but I am not sure. My T is very grounding for me and I saw him today too. He helps me to make sense of it all and put stuff in some logical order that I can understand. Once I understand what triggered some parts they seem to ease up a bit because they have been acknowledge and validated as having good reason to be acting up.
As adults with our families we know when something is a crisis and when it is not. When to panic and when not to. We can do this all pretty rationally too. Our parts are parts... they are not complete enough to carry the full circle of offsetting common sense. They are a part and are stuck in time... they can be triggered by anything... something we would not notice ourselves nor would we in the place we are now. But in the place these parts are they can be triggered without us even knowing it.
I can't always stop my parts from acting out. What I can do tho is figure out what triggered them and then offer myself understanding and comfort. This process usually calms the part down enough for us all to get level again. I hope I have made sense for you. It is funny because I too have written about chaos this week on my blog. I have heard that parts are also sensitive to seasonal changes. I have to wonder about that. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are making out? I'm sending you good thoughts!
Thank you Nansie. I do look forward to reading your new blog. But I've been in too much chaos to make sense of other people's writings. Thanks for your comments on the hospital. I am trying to figure out what's best. I'm confused right now. I think what you say makes sense. There have been some triggers, but I am surprised that they would cause this level of hurt. I am glad you are going through the motions, because sometimes that's all we can do.
I have faith in your ability to work through this. I've known you for over a year and interacted with you during positive and the difficult times. Throughout those times, I'm always struck by the gentle goodness that is at your core.
I know that the self-injury doesn't seem compatible with this gentle goodness, and I'm incredibly sorry that you have been hurt. But I wonder if the self injury is about the two worlds beginning to merge into a new healthy way of being, rather than an effort to destroy. Almost like you can't establish the new balance, until you find out what is needing to be balanced and brought into your healing circle.
The denial feelings are always interesting. Not once have I ever doubted you, your story or your diagnosis. Allison describes my reactions within therapy as "congruent" with the experiences I have described in the past. I see your reactions as also congruent. Denial and explaining away is a response that I would expect, considering all that you are facing.
Sorry, I'm probably not making much sense. My heart goes out to you. Please go gently on yourself.
Sending positive and comforting thoughts,
CG
Thanks Castorgirl. What you say is true. There is no sense that these are parts trying to attack me or destroy me, as has been the case in the past. If that were the case, the solution seems rather easy: just listen and negotiate. What's happening now seems different and I'm not sure how to approach it. The denial just comes in when I can't rectify things, or as Allison says when things are congruent. Yes, it's been very nice knowing you for over a year! I am so glad I met you!
Thanks Paul. I cannot believe the reaction my parts had to these triggers and the chaos it all caused for me. I am very shocked by that! Was very scary for me for sure. Take your time on my blog. I completely understand. I am still settling down myself. Mostly I am trying to relax and let everything settle down too. So hard because I don't like it when this happens but if I don't relax some it won't settle down either! Catch 22 sometimes for me. Keep in touch and hang in there. You have come so far. This will ease up and level off for you soon.
Thanks Nansie. Yes, I know it will work out. I'm just confused right now. I might try to take it easy and play things safe by not doing anything that's potentially dangerous. That's certainly one thing I can do. And then maybe things will settle in the process.
I hope you can get to some people who can listen to you and be with you.
Sometimes all we can do is breath and hold on. Like said before you have such an innate goodness which once again proofs for me that your innermost core is not destroyable. In my eyes you have hold on beautifully to logic and coherence with this post and many others before. It is part of the way we are affetced as well as part of recoveery that sometimes there are drawbacks. Major ones! How could they not be? What I name now " drawback" is a former long standing pattern which is not yet overcome completely. But it is a formely pattern. Focus of formerly. That is hard, confusing, exhausting and sucks. and it is ok. It shall pass. The blur clears and you will be there.
Thanks for the time you have taken to read and comment on many of my recent posts. Thoughtfull and poignant as usual.
Today I completed and finished 6 weeks of intense trauma therapy and I left with a good, cheerful and strong feeling of gratitude.
A year ago I thought I have no future, no love, no life. And now I am all smiles and cheers. I believe in you, Paul, very strongly, in you as you are NOW in this very moment, in your innate goodness and your tools learned. Love from my heart to yours.
Thank you Evan and Paula.
Hi Paul, I'm sorry to be late coming to this post. Also sorry that you're feeling so out of control. Hope you've managed to pick up some of the pieces, or at least sort them out a little, since you wrote.
Please take care.
Kerro
Kerro, You don't have to say you are sorry. Yes, things are more in control. So, much much better now. Time heals... I have to remember that!