Taking Care When Physically Sick
In Self Assessment, Part Deux, I talked about how disengaged I felt in the hospital. I had been trying to do what I knew always works. But something was holding me back. I was not making progress.
I found out I am physically sick.
I have known I had been running a low-grade temperature since the beginning of the month. And I have felt achy and run down. Up until this past week, I attributed it all to what was going on mentally. But my symptoms worsened and my temperature went up to over 102F a few days ago. What little energy I did have went away completely and I found myself practically unable to do anything except sleep. I have preliminary confirmation of Lyme Disease, a bacterial infection caused by ticks, which are common in my neck of the woods.
What I want to bring up here is the question: How do we attend to our mental wellbeing when we are physically sick?
My own current situation has increased my appreciation for how truly difficult it is. Paying attention internally when one is severely dissociative is a hard enough task even under the best of circumstances. For me, I have noticed that because of being sick, there is an expected hunkering down of sorts, which means my internal awareness is reduced. My internal parts do not operate in the same way as they do normally. I am not sure how exactly this is all happening. It is as if my system does not have enough total energy for parts to be as active and accessible as they are normally.
The best I can do is be as gentle as possible with myself. And to be "on call" when I feel better so that I can cultivate the internal awareness I know is necessary for "normal" living. For me, that time will come when I am out of the hospital. I see no point staying here any longer if all I am able to do is be physically sick.
I find myself also thinking about many in the survivor community who struggle with chronic physical problems. I have a better understanding of how difficult a road it is for them. I find myself asking how they navigate the rough waters of healing?
Then I started asking how I would be able to attend to my mental wellbeing if I still had current depression or anxiety or suicidality? The reality is I do not have any of those symptoms in any kind of ongoing way anymore. I realize this makes things so much easier. I realize this also means I would not be where I am in my healing. This site would not exist, at least in the manner that it does; its content, messages, and focus would be far different.
Because I know what it is like to struggle with these debilitating issues and deal with ongoing dissociation and trauma difficulties, I try to bring that perspective to my writings here. My being physically sick, helps me appreciate that for many, a lot of what I write here may seem out of reach (or that I am out of touch).
I want people who read Mind Parts to know that I write to show that while the healing journey can be painfully long, healing is very possible. Anyone can heal. Do not let anyone, including yourself, tell you you cannot. As I have said before, one of my main mantras is: Anything is possible. I believe those words.
N.B. The deadline for the Expressive Arts Carnival No. 5 is extended to November 29th due to the US Thanksgiving holiday.
35 Comments
Leave a new comment
Hey Paul, sorry to hear about the lyme disease. But treatment is important and you'll feel well again. They do have good meds for this now right?
It's amazing that you would write about this now. This last Friday I had knee arthroscopy. My knee was worse than they thought it was and seemed sure that I had done something at some point to it. I don't remember but I have learned in the last 6 months that I don't think I handle pain like other people do. I should have been in much more pain and layed up with this but I wasn't. I still did my push mowing all summer and all the other activities I do...and I do alot of hard activity. It appears to me at this point I am dissociating pain. I don't know where it is going or to which part but I don't feel pain at the same level as other ppl. This is something I have begun to become aware of about myself in the past 6 months. Also it is hard when I do have pain or know something is wrong to then explain it and tell the symptoms to the doc. I can't remember all of them or I studder and can't answer questions they ask and they must think that I am not really that bad off. But then things get let go and down the road I wind up in surgery with a mess. It's very scary cuz I don't always know I have to take care of myself to begin with. This is kinda weird to me and I don't know what to think about it. Any ideas?
Hi Nansie. Thank you for your support. I'm feeling so deflated though. It's so hard to come here and want to do the work and feel so sidelined by physical issues. Like you, I'm not sure how I'm processing the illness. At times, I seem perfectly functional and without pain. At other times, I'm getting Percocet and I can't get out of bed. I actually do think it's tied to dissociating in some way.
Hi Paul, I'm so sorry to hear you've been so unwell and send you lots of good thoughts for a speedy recovery.
I agree with you, I think, that taking care of ourselves mentally is almost impossible when we're unwell physically, whether because of Lymes or knees or, in my case, repeated gynaecological surgery and incessant throat infections. I do think that our bodies and minds can only deal with so much at once. I can remember several times feeling "cr*ppy" mentally and then realising that I was actually sick physically. Umm, hello?!?!?
My therapist says that pain is the body's way of letting us know something is wrong, but like Nansie, I don't always feel the pain until it's more serious. Not really sure what to do about that one??
I hope you're taking gentle care at this time and doing whatever you can to get well physically, while also looking after yourself as much as you can mentally.
Kerro. Thank you! I know you've been through some tough physical issues. I'm afraid that they aren't treating me yet because I'm not acting sick enough. Like I said to Nansie, my level of "apparent sickness" fluctuates greatly. And, yes, I think my perception of pain and distress fluctuates because of the dissociative tendencies.
I am so sorry that you are sick. Please stay in the hospital as long as your doctor says you need to...that is taking care of yourself mentally and physically.
When I had pneumonia last year and almost died, it gave me a new perspective which I was unable to process until this year due to my ongoing medical complications. I found that my mental health was contigent on my taking care of my physical health first.
Get well soon!!!
Take care,
CC
Thanks CC. At this point, I just want to get home. I can rest much better at home with my family than here. I will say that I'm not happy with the quality of internal medicine care at this mental hospital.
Paul, hope you recover soon. From my own experience I know that I used to tend to physical ailments VERY late. Only when the condition became serious. Meant I could go on in my numbness. Now after trauma therapy and more awareness I can define better which conditions arise from the mental illness (I was supposed to take pills against hyertension, yet after trauma therapy, the high blood pressure had disappeared), little discomfort I do not overrate anymore (thanks for that) and the conditions which need to be taken care of. Over the last 12 months I had 5 months trauma therapy and alltogether 4 times bone and joint surgery. The last time just about 2 weeks ago. By now I am so physical and spiritual exhausted that I tend very little to my emotional wellbeing. I am limited in my energy. Accepting this fact and reality: my energy is limited, my physical health comes first! Since I set clear lines, boundaries and goals for myself even healing isnt to much torn anymore. Love form my heart to yours. Be well soon!
Hi Paula! Always good to hear from you! I also used to tend to physical ailments late. I am much better at it now. Though, still not that great. Even with high temperatures and clear physical symptoms, part of me still says I am making it all up, that it's all somatic. How powerful that message is... Good for you for putting your physical health first.
Hi Paul,
So sorry that you're sick AND in the hospital, I hope you get better soon.
I appreciate your post quite a bit. I have had a similar issue that I have finally been able to understand and your post was able to help me process that.
I recently had to have a procedure that required about 3 weeks of recuperation. During this time I was still able to go to therapy but found that I was unable to process anything. If I tried, I would feel very panicky and several times had panic attacks.
What I was finally able to put together was that when I am physically sick or wounded, I feel very vulnerable due to the disease or the wound. This vulnerability triggers the vulnerability I felt as a child and becomes intolerable.
It is almost as though the current physical vulnerability and the emotional vulnerability cannot exist together within my system.
Since I have recovered, I have been able to actively engage in therapy once again.
I, too, have gained a greater sympathy for those who are healing while dealing with physical illness as well. I am wondering if over time many of us develop a tolerance to handling both at the same time?
Thank you for your blog, I appreciate the thought you put into it,
barbi
Thanks Barbi for what you wrote and for stopping by. It's always a nice feeling to have someone new stop in and say some words. Yes, I think what we are both saying is similar. But I hadn't thought of it quite in the way you said. When I'm physically sick, there are layers and layers of self-doubt. That I am only experiencing somatic symptoms (i.e., in my head). These are definitely based on decades of thinking what I experience is not true. Thank you again for stopping by. I hope to hear more from you.
Hi Paul,
For what it's worth - maybe nothing - I think we're all out of touch about something sometimes. By that I just mean, it's impossible to be aware of every angle or perspective. I'll admit a pet peeve: I see comments to news articles and blog posts every day criticizing writers for leaving this perspective out, that group out, etc., etc. It bothers me because I think something gets lost when we try to think from too many viewpoints.
I respect it, though, when people's life experiences cause them to reflect on the messages they may or may not be sending, as you've done here.
(Goodness, I don't think I'm saying this write and I'm pretty insecure about it.)
I hope by now you're feeling better and that it's not Lyme Disease but something more innocuous ... isn't Lyme Disease permanent? I might be getting that from old urban legends but for some reason that's what's in my brain about it.
Holly, I hear what you mean. No, I'm not feeling better and they are not treating me yet until the more specific test comes back. And, no, thankfully Lyme is not permanent. I'm leaving the hospital tomorrow and I'll see if my PCP will prescribe antibiotic. You think antibiotic is like a controlled substance, for crying out loud! I'm not sure I was trying to cover all the angles. I think I was just trying to explore a bit what's going on for me internally when you are in a place where you are supposed to work on your mental wellbeing and you really cannot.
Hey Paul...good luck getting that antibiotic. I hope it goes smoothly for you. The timing of this post is incredible because lately my T and I have been working on the awareness of my dissociating pain. Being sick is different from being in pain though. But I'll tell you, ever since I had that surgery last Friday...I cannot hear or feel a peep from my parts. Everything inside is just a tired or exhausted quiet. Nothing from anyone...very weird indeed. My T and I agreed that when I was very young with all the abuse I probably learned how to dissociated pain and put it aside...with all the other stuff but I am still in awe over it. Well take good care of yourself when and where you can...it's hard when everything is not connected at the same time. Keep us posted on the Lyme tests.
Nansie, I'm sorry you've had surgery. But, yes, what I was getting at here is exactly what you describe: how our internal world drastically changes when we are sick (or in pain). Surgery is like being sick: a lot of energy is taken out of you and you have to recuperate. It's like what I said. I think we have a certain amount of total energy allocated to "all of us", and when we are sick or recovering, that energy has to come away from a lot of the parts of us and focus on a core healing.
Hi Paul, the message that healing is possible is so very important. Thank you.
Yes, Evan, I guess that's the basic message!
Like many of those who have commented before me I can really relate to what you are writing about here. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and it has made things very difficult - both in healing and my every day life.
Being sick does effect our healing process - I cannot see how it cant. But having been dealing with this for months now (with the knowledge that I may be like this for quite some time) I have found myself discovering new paths of healing that I would never have taken if I wasn't sick. Its slower and at times I feel discouraged with being sick - but it hasn't stopped the healing process, just changed it a little.
I am sorry to hear you are sick at the moment, take gentle care of yourself. I hope the antibiotics and being hopes speed your recovery - you will be in my thoughts.
Thank you for your reply to my email regarding my Expressive Arts Carnival entry, and the comment on my blog. It means a lot that you take the time to reply. I can see reading your blog that you take the time to reply to your comments - even while you are sick and that is such a thoughtful and sweet thing.
Thank you Kylie. I'm sorry you've had to navigate healing with chronic fatigue. To be honest, I cannot imagine what I'm going through now to be chronic, but I would, like you, find a way to deal with it. In many ways I have had to navigate new awarenesses on chronic pain issues, so I have some sense of this. Thank you for the kind words about my replying to comments. I really try to reply to each one because every one here takes the time and I feel like that's what this site is about. So, I try to respond back. It was a programming challenge a couple months ago when I added the "threaded replies" look, which makes replying so much easier. Thanks again, and thank you for submitting to the Carnival and introducing me to your blog. I'll be checking it out.
hi paul, i'm so sorry to hear you're sick and that you might have lyme disease. i've had my own experiences with some chronic pain and i have found that there was, in my case at least, a psychosomatic contribution to it. which to me means, i think that sometimes there are actual biological problems going on, but our experience of them, and sometimes the pain of it, can be made worse by what is going on in our lives emotionally and psychologically. so that as my life improved, my symptoms also diminished. to me, my body problems are like a barometer i use to signal to me when there might be underlying problems going on in my life or mind that i might not be addressing. and as for functioning when ill or in pain, i find that the malady is sometimes helpful, in that it helps me put things into perspective and stop what is non-essential, and let go of what doesn't matter. and focus on self-nurturing and what is most immediately important in life. wishing you wellness today and always, paul~ sending healing thoughts your way~~~
Katie, Thanks! Yes, I just mentioned to Kylie that I have some experience with the pain issues, in fact am diagnosed with somatoform pain which I understood to be stored experiences (and pain) from past trauma (or body memories). Like you, I try really hard to relate the pain issues to what's going on with me. And it helps quite a bit. Thanks for stopping by.
Hope you are now feeling better.
For me, there is healing in recovering from physical ailments. I believe it is due to the focus of getting well, or maybe just being ill that creates a mental healing process all it's own. When I don't feel well, I cannot focus, so to speak, on mental health, even depression, if I'm to do what it take to get physically well. The act of taking care of myself lifts some of the depression AND, for me, being ill means that I'm alone and safe, so - not so much dissociating.
Hang in there.
Ivory, Thanks! Yes, I am feeling better thank you!
Paul, passing by to show some love and checking how you are doing! My sinuses are blocked every so often, well, that is somatic that doesn't make them easier to bear. The sinuses are blocked whether somatic or viral! Yet since trauma therapy the sinuses are blocked so much less. Whether viral or somatic fever is fever and needs to be attended too. Hope you do feel better!
Paul, my blogs had been stalked. Hence I have a new blog name.
Paula, Sorry your blogs were stalked. I will make sure to check out your new one. Thank you for the love! I am feeling better, thank you much!
My physical nemesis is psoriatic arthritis (PA). Great peace came in waves as I read everyone's posts. Even after 20+ years of exploration of self-knowledge I still find comfort in the realization that others share a symptom I have. Thank you all who write here. Only recently have I begun to understand how my physical health is impacted by the abuse I experienced and why any illness, especially one with chronic pain, triggers the feelings and replicates the experience of abuse. One is once again in that place of weakness, vulnerability, powerlessness and pain. I too, get depressed and wait to see if I'm coming down with something, always celebrating when it's some illness that I know will pass eventually. Then there is the PA that doesn't pass but hangs on with a ferocious intensity that won't quit. Because the symptoms are so much like depression they fuel one another. The internal battle just to continue to live with the pain, both physical and mental robs me and infuriates me. I guess that's part of why I'm still here. Trauma survivors have more chronic illnesses including those involving the immune system, mood disorders, diabetes, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic pain and many others. It seems a slap in the face after surviving the trauma. I know I’m so negative today but it’s my truth today.
Paul, I'm so glad to see you have so many people who care about you. I also see it's from caring about them so humanly. Be well and a bit of wisdom, I'm sure you heard it before but; "Promise me you'll always remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think". A.A. Milne- Christopher Robin to Pooh.
Hi AnotherSurvivor. Sorry you have physical ailments. I have not realized how common the tandem of physical and mental are. Interesting points you raise about trauma survivors having more chronic illnesses. And also interesting about the vulnerable points in your body and being triggered. I hope you find healing. Talk to you soon!
For a similar discussion, see Nansie's post at: http://carosels.wordpress.com/2010/11/24/dissociating-pain-ao-other-health-issues/
I find things change a lot when I am sick. For instance, I often start feeling very young, making it difficult to make good decisions... adult type decisions.
When I am sick... especially if I am really sick, inside stuff seems to come to a screeching halt. At least, that is how it used to be. With our living situation, I suspect that my system may be pretty much shut down. Things could get interesting once we move, though.
Yes, yes, yes OneSurvivor. I also feel very young when I'm sick. I heard one comedy routine where the guy was talking about how when he's sick he cries for his mother. There must be something about being sick that makes you feel vulnerable and puts you back in time. For those of us with insiders and all, it's probably even more of an issue. But, yes, also the really sick total shut down thing can be a relief sometimes. It's amazing how quiet and calm inside can get when I'm really sick.
I just wish others would understand my being/feeling younger when sick. I especially get that way if I physically get hurt. One time, I tripped and fell and skinned my knee. All I could do was call a long distance friend and cry. I could barely talk, I am so glad that I was alone. I just don't know how to explain this kind of thing to my hubby or son. Well, let me rephrase that. I explain to my hubby, but he does not remember because it does not happen often and because I hide it. There are times when I cannot talk, so how the heck do I explain it in the moment? I can't! *tears* Sorry, I guess I am thinking about too much stuff right now. I wish I had a good therapist right now. I wish I could be more open with my husband. I wish...
OneSurvivor. Do you think it's possible that someday you will be able to have a therapist? It saddens me that access to care is so hard for so many. I completely get the being/feeling younger when sick piece. And I also appreciate spouses not getting it. I so wish you had someone you could work through some of these issues with.
I don't know, Paul. After running into a therapist who accessed my programming and used me, I don't know if I can trust the kind of therapist I would need to have for help. Even if I had the money and the access.
I live rurally. That makes physical access difficult. But the emotional access, that, too, is a tough challenge. I feel very alone out here, thousands of miles away from my CA therapist. Oh, she was good. Even though most of my healing work was done on my own with G-d's help, she was such an incredible and knowledgeable support. I speak with her a couple times a year, but that is not therapy.
I have seen a lot of incredible and amazing healing. Yet, there are times when I still want very much to go Home. I won't do anything about it. That is settled, but the longing still hits.
OneSurvivor. That sounds tough. But, yes, I can tell you've done a lot of healing work. It comes across in what you say. I would say that what you are doing on your own is quite remarkable! And a tribute to the foundation you've built.
*tears* Thanks, Paul. I appreciate what you are saying. I have fought and worked so hard. Yet, there are times when I feel as if I haven't really gotten very far at all. I guess it all depends upon my vantage point. There are times when I can see the progress I have made. Perhaps my current situation is just making it more difficult to be objective.
OneSurvivor. I understand the feeling that "you haven't gotten very far". It's okay to feel that way, as long as we balance it by looking at the big picture at least as often, which you seem to do.