December 2010 Archives

Welcome to the December 2010 edition of the Expressive Arts Carnival. This month's theme, see announcement, was "open to any survivor art."

It is my policy to not comment on art in the Carnival (maybe in the comments if discussions ensue). But I feel as though it is not my place to put words to others' art, especially healing art. Any words after the art is displayed are those of the artists.

Entry 1: Katie

Katie wrote: "Because it's the holiday season, and holidays for people with dysfunctional families can be such horrible times, I chose to create an image of something that is currently an optimistic part of my life. Something I can actually feel grateful to my family of origin for helping me to cultivate by raising me to be open-minded. Here's a visual depiction of my spiritual worldview."

Entry 2: Jahda

This is a photo of the December 21 lunar eclipse, which coincided with the winter solstice. Jahda asked how this relates to survivor art and wrote: "It's kinda like our true nature has been obscured (eclipsed) by the shadow of abuse and we become almost invisible, a mere copper glow in the blackened sky; but with patience the shadow gives way and our inner light is revealed, free to shine, free to light up the charred night."

Entry 3: Kylie

Kylie wrote: "I decided to submit the one attached as I am continously drawn to it, even after all this time. One of my parts, Nadia, drew it. I am not sure what it symbolises or what she was thinking about when she did it. Every time I look at it I feel so many different emotions but a sense of calm at the same time, like being in a sea of emotion and just gently floating with them. It pulls me in every time I look at it."

Entry 4: Kerro

Kerro wrote: "I love this decoration. For me, it speaks to everything I want Christmas to be: beautiful, happy and, well, 'normal.' Everything it isn't at the moment. I'm trying to maintain hope that one day I can create the kind of Christmas I've always wanted. I'm still missing a few ingredients for that at the moment, but I try to hang onto the hope. My religious colleagues tell me that's what this time of year is about: the hope of a better future. Captures my Christmas wish, that's for sure. As well as the idea of 'healing' for all of us survivors here, I think."

Entry 5: OneSurvivor

OneSurvivor wrote: "The piece I want to submit is very simple. It is just a pen on lined paper stick figure drawing. Yet, it reflects how I still feel so many years later as an adult. I tried to reconnect with my parents and this picture so perfectly reflects how our communication has gone. Although it is only my father in the picture, it isn't really much different with my mother. I will be blogging about this real soon, I hope."

Entry 6: Sanity is Knocking

Sanity wrote: "I've been thinking about what it means to be a survivor while I was looking at this picture of a Christmas ornament that we picked up on our summer vacation. For the most part, I had a terrible time; however, there were times when it was amazing.  I guess, for me, being a survivor means that despite what the negatives are, you find something in that mess that is positive. You hold on to it and use it to press on from one day to the next."

Entry 7: Castorgirl

Castorgirl wrote: "It represents the healing journey, with all of the bumps and pitfalls that are encountered on the way. It shows the connections, and lack of connections that we feel internally and externally. It shows the darkness we feel as if we are going towards, instead of away from." Note: This piece was made using Scribbler Too.

Entry 8: Ivory

Ivory wrote: "I often feel obscured - by life, by family, by society and I can't find a way out - or IN to the world."

Entry 9: Paul

I wrote: "This is an image from the same series posted in The Tangled Web We Weave. That image had a clean sky background. This image has as a background buildings in downtown Boston. I chose this image to share because it shows the contrast between the internal world (the rigging on the ship) and the exterior world (the buildings). I kind of like that analogy.

Entry 10: Clinically Clueless

That's all folks! Thanks to all those who contributed. If you think this Carnival is worthwhile, then let others know about it and we can continue to increase the contributors for future months.

I have a private mailing list for the Carnival to help keep you updated on activities. If you want to be on it, drop me an email to: paul@mindparts.org.

As I wrote last year, I know this holiday period is difficult for many. I have not thought much about it this year. Christmas is certainly not as charged for me as Easter or Halloween is, both of which I spend a good deal of time preparing for.

But with "My Healing Guide" today, we did talk about my plans for the upcoming Christmas weekend and what some of the issues are that may come up for me. During the course of our discussion, we talked about a certain memorable song. Recorded in 1951, "Guardian Angels" was on Mario Lanza's christmas album. For many years while I was growing up, I played this song on our vinyl record player, often on Christmas Eve.

When listening to the song today, I was immediately in touch with what it meant to me so long ago. It was the first time in a long time, aside from flashbacks, that I had such a direct connection to the past. It is fitting, perhaps, that a year that has seen so much progress and so many changes, would lead to this deep connection.

The song—with its lyrics, operatic solo, and full chorus—has a heavenly quality to it and direct spiritual or religious connections.

For me, nights were filled with fear. "Shadows", "bears", "discomfort", and bad "dreams" were the norm. The image of guardian angels protecting me was one that I found extremely comforting. I believed, and still do, in God, Heaven, and angels.

While I did not consider it back then, listening to the song was not just comforting. It was much more than that. First and foremost, it was validating. I can never doubt my past because I clearly remember it in the context of this song. I knew what was going on. I knew I was being abused. But, more than that, the song provided an opportunity for me to grieve about the position I was in. I cried along with song.

They were good tears because the message was hopeful. I knew full well that "Paradise" meant Heaven. Looking back today and being connected to what I felt way back, I realized that I longed for the safety of Heaven. It was not clear to me how I would get there. I know part of me understood one way was by dying, and that did not feel too far off to parts of me.

But today I realized that while I may have had help from my guardian angels over the years, I have the power to create safety and healing in my life. I have the power to create my own "Paradise" here on Earth. I have the power to chase away the bears and shed light on the shadows. That is all possible because of the progress I have made.

"Guardian Angels" can be found on the album Christmas With Mario Lanza on iTunes.

I am sure this is not huge news. Probably this just shows my own ignorance as someone growing up and living in the United States. But news stories yesterday and today detail some troubling cultural attitudes in Afghanistan.

If you pay any attention to politics, you have no doubt seen the news surrounding Julian Assange and WikiLeaks. WikiLeaks has exposed a good deal of classified information, especially as it relates to the US involvement in the Middle East. Not surprisingly there are differing opinions on the group. For some, what they are doing is increasing transparency. For others, they are compromising national security.

I purposely will not wade in on this debate, but I wanted to call attention to today's news article on a WikiLeak document.

Specifically, the Washington Examiner, and other news sources, reported yesterday on the widespread abuse of young boys in Afghanistan. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, there is no worldwide consensus on the practice of pedophilia. In Afghan, boys in particular are being regularly sexually abused; hired as "dancing boys." This has placed our security forces in compromising positions due to the fact they have to work alongside these offenders. Of course, there are cultural explanations, none of which condone the behavior. Because of the way the culture has put down women, it has opened the door for what are considered more "acceptable" behaviors.

The parallel with the Catholic Church's attitudes towards pedophile priests is quite relevant, I think, here. One of the reasons why so many victims harbor negative feelings towards the Church is the way their plights were handled once they became known. In a real sense, the Catholic Church turned a blind eye to what was happening, often in plain view.

I do not want to write a long post about the article. I just thought it was worthy of attention.

To see the article, visit: Afghan sex practices concern U.S., British forces (Washington Examiner, 12/20/2010)

Last week in Utah, a federal jury convicted the kidnapper and sexual abuser of Elizabeth Smart. For those not familiar with the highly publicized case, Elizabeth was kidnapped from her home at the age of 14 in 2002. She was subjected to daily sexual assaults at the hands of an evil man proclaiming himself to be a religious prophet. Nine months later she was rescued, and has appeared as a pillar of strength ever since.

The Elizabeth Smart case has been somewhat unique in that most long-term kidnappings do not have a such a positive outcome. She has done a number of high profile interviews (e.g., Oprah and People) and was the subject of an hour-long television documentary on Sunday. While nobody can truly know her path as a survivor of horrific abuse, from what I have seen and heard, she has put her ordeal behind her with apparent ease (at least to date). In one famously retold account, the night she returned home, the family said their prayers in the parents' bedroom, then Elizabeth said she was going to bed in her own room and slept the whole night without any difficulty.

When I heard about the jury verdict last week and saw some interviews, my reaction was "Why can't I just put it all behind me?" I struggled with this for several hours. My first thought was that I was weak. But, after I regained my composure, I realized a couple of things.

First, I am not Elizabeth Smart. We are made differently and have different experiences and backgrounds. It is not the first time I have compared my experiences (and the aftermath) with others. I did it a few years ago when I heard an NPR story on the awful serial abuse of girls in Africa. I also heard the accounts of the former altar boys on the first Oprah show on male abuse and promptly downplayed my own history. Many of us get caught in the trap of comparing what we went through to others. For me, stories that show abuse, invariably end up being invalidating.

Second, after I thought about it, I realized that like Smart, I did put things away for quite a while, also with apparent ease. As a high school student, when it was discovered that something was not right, my parents tried to put an end to the relationship (with the abusive priest) and I made a counter move to minimize everything. This allowed our family to continue virtually as if nothing had happened. While we did stop going to that church, we never discussed the matter again. And I was just as happy to move on. If I were in the media spotlight, which I was not, I would have probably given similar interviews as Elizabeth. I would have said, as she has said, "Put the past behind you. Move on."

While this can be seen as a courageous message, it may have a negative impact on many survivors. For one thing, people process trauma differently. What one person can move on from, another person cannot. Plus there are the added problems of the victim's background as well as what the traumas are. While it sounds nice for Elizabeth to give advice to Jaycee Dugard to "relax," it is a statement that does not consider the different contexts: Dugard was abducted for 18 years. The problem with the "move on" message is that it does not consider the fact that it is not possible for many, thereby leading to a feeling of invalidation.

In my life at the time my abuse became known, I had already had a decade or more of "underground" dysfunctional coping to deal with what had been happening. None of that changed, especially since the abuse did not actually end when my parents intervened. My visible life just became even more separated from my non-visible life. I became more reliant on dissociative coping, though I did not think of it as dissociative at the time. It was just my life. My "normal" messed up life.

When things fell apart for me in 1991, they fell apart like a house of cards. I had been successful in college, was beginning graduate school and a career in science, and it all just collapsed in a matter of seconds. Life took a dramatic turn for me. I had always given myself a huge amount of credit for "moving on," but suddenly the world came to a standstill.

It is now nearly 20 years later. My path has been long and winding, and one that I never would have envisioned. Much of it has been difficult, but much of it has also been glorious. And much of it is informed by living through my 30s and now going into my 40s. A lot changed for me when I moved out of my 20s and got married and had kids. In many ways, life became more serious. It became not just about me. That reality had implications for what my path has been and what I have had to do to heal.

Would I have it any other way? For me, the answer is absolutely no. I know that to be the husband and father I want to be, not to mention the person I want to be, I need to address the underlying dysfunctional coping. I need to address the dissociation and ways in which I live a fragmented existence. It is certainly not an easy journey, but I am glad for the journey. And I am proud of my progress. My healing path has led me to feel more authentic. Yet I know I am not done.

For decades, I had no concept of what healing meant to me. I could never put it into words. For me, healing is much more than just "moving on." Healing is accepting that the past happened and uniting the past with moving forward and living life. Our past certainly shapes who we are now. But our past does not need to define who we are to become. In many ways, healing is the integration, or resolution, of the past and present. Healing is redefining safety, inside and out. Healing is being proud that we survived. Healing is accepting personal responsibility. Healing is learning to be aware of thoughts and emotions. Healing is learning to see the joys in life. And healing is so much more.

As I asked over a year ago in My Take on What Healing Means, what does healing mean to you?

As some of you know, The Oprah Show did a two-part special on childhood sexual abuse of males. I basically panned the first part in Why I Did Not Appreciate Oprah's "200 Men" Show because I felt it was overly sensationalistic and focused mainly on men telling of their graphic abuse details.

I was only able to watch the second show last week, and it was significantly better than the first. Probably it has done a good service to male survivors and their loved ones as many important themes were touched upon. To the uninitiated, to someone who has not started to heal, to spouses who are lacking closeness, I saw this as progress. So, for that I am thankful for the show. While the first episode is online in its entirety, the second is not. But I will do my best to summarize the show here as well as provide my own commentary, hence this will be a long post.

Because the show spent a significant amount of effort focusing on the impact on spouses and loved ones, my immediate reaction was that if my wife were able to see this show, it could sow the seeds of change for us as a couple. But she does not want to see the show even though it is on our DVR. As I have made significant healing progress these past couple years, I have realized that we are not on the same path. This is difficult for me because it makes me feel like the burden of healing is all on me. Of course, I understand the majority of healing is on me. But I do not think my wife appreciates the toll that all of what we have gone through has affected her and that she may need to do things to care for, and heal, herself. So, I will save the episode and hopefully someday she will be able to see it.

As I watched, I found myself crying. And I realized that I do still have some mourning to do, or maybe a lot. I had always thought I was all done. For expert advice, the show featured Dr. Howard Fradkin, a psychologist out of Ohio who co-chairs the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery, see Male Survivor. Dr. Fradkin made a number of statements that hit home for me. He said many things so perfectly well. While Oprah clearly struggled with the topic of healing, Dr. Fradkin did not. He was the one who brought up the issue by saying: "it's absolutely possible to heal and recover completely and fully. It takes a lot of time and it impacts everyone in your life." I am "technically" in my 20th year of healing, which has changed significantly over the years. I know I have a long way to go, but I appreciate his statement. I found it hopeful.

The show then asked what is different for male survivors versus female survivors. Most of my survivor friends, either online or from the hospital, are female. For me, personally, I have not seen much difference. I see the struggles as the same. But, I have long wondered why I am usually the only male on the trauma/dissociative inpatient unit at McLean Hospital. I have often thought I was different in some way. I have had discussions with therapists about this in the past. Usually I understand it that men typically do not seek help. Or that men are more likely to channel their anger into drugs and alcohol or even land in prison. All of those outcomes make me sad.

But I am also make glad that circumstances for me were such that I broke down right after college in 1990 and sought help. When the 2002 clergy abuse scandal erupted, there was also a sense of coming together for survivors. The public outcry helped to lift the veil of shame. During those early years there were well-attended support groups here in Boston (the epicenter of the scandal) and there was definitely a sense of camaraderie. I suppose what I experienced was what Oprah was aiming for with this show. It was not at all always this way, but now am fairly comfortable identifying myself as a survivor and committing myself to doing the hard work of healing. From the language of some of the guests, I clearly can see that is not the case for many. Again, I consider myself lucky.

Sexual identity confusion was also discussed. This is an area I typically shy away from. Maybe this is not such a problem for me on the whole because the problem is so relegated to parts of me as someone who is dissociative. As grounded me, Paul, I have no problem identifying as a healthy vibrant husband and father. But, that is not the case for many young parts of me. The confusion has always been there. The show addressed a common myth: that male on male sexual abuse can cause homosexuality. The psychologist said, correctly, that sexual orientation is determined around ages 4 or 5, and since most abuse happens later, there can be no effect. But there still is sexual identity confusion. When a boy is abused by a man, the common response is that they do not know what to feel about the connection they felt, sexual pleasure, attention, etc. This confusion remains until it is addressed and healed.

In the next section, there was a discussion about moving from coping to healing. This was right up my alley! Oprah's producer, Ray, said he didn't want to live with the abuse having control over him anymore and that "you get abused by your abuser, and then you get abused again by the aftermath of the abuse." He further said on moving from coping to healing, "We all come up with clever ways in which to live our lives with it lurking in the background. And you're trying to operate and maneuver in the world with it there. I think healing is when you let yourself feel the feelings, when you are honest with yourself about what it's actually has done to you, and mourn that." For me, this was all code for talking about dysfunctional coping. Oprah talked about her promiscuous years. There was some talk about cutting. For me, I have long struggled with self injury and I want to be free of that! I feel over the past couple years I have begun to make the transition from coping to healing. That changes everything!

Oprah repeated her favorite definition of forgiveness, as "giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." She said you have to mourn, but you can't stay there. Then the question was "How to move forward?" She said the first step is to speak up, so that shame can begin to heal. This touched home for me, because I have spoken up in various ways over the years. In the early 90s, just coming forward to get help was a form of speaking up. Then suing the church in the mid 90s, was speaking up further (although that was shrouded in secrecy). As I said, in 2002 the church scandal brought survivors together and there was more speaking up. But, the real watershed moment for me, and I have not ever said this here before, was in 2007 when there was a sex abuse scandal at my daughter's place of gymnastics. While my daughter was not involved in any way, it was the first time that my family life and my abusive past came together. Our town is small, and I spoke up in the local paper. I came forward as a survivor myself. For me this turned out to be a big deal. This speaking up changed things for me. This was when I really started to heal. Therapy made a dramatic shift and this was around the time Mind Parts was created. Lifting the veil of shame has been critical for me.

The low point of the show was when Oprah asked "How men are to find help?" The psychologist talked about therapy, but also about therapists being hard (if not impossible) to find, and so using Internet support groups or bulletin boards were mentioned as alternatives. That, to me, is poor advice. To the best of my knowledge, there are many therapists out there and many opportunities for men to find healing.

Oprah then ended by saying these wonderful words: "The reason why we wanted to do this show is because every man in this room, every one of you, represents the spirit of something dark that has happened to you, but also the spirit of hope and the spirit of survival."

The link to Oprah's shows can be found at: A Two-Day Oprah Show Event: 200 Adult Men Who Were Molested Come Forward.

In what was a very healing and important post for me, see Blending, the subject of headaches came up in the comment discussion. Nansie asked if it was a common issue for people with DID, and others chimed in saying it was. So, I thought it would be worthwhile to talk directly about the issue. To be honest, it is not high on my list of symptoms I have to worry about, but as I have thought about it, it has shed light on some other issues for me.

Probably it is not high on my list because I do not consider my pain to be all that bad. This is ironic, because I know full well that pain, whether it is in my body or head or neck or throat, can be absolutely debilitating. Headaches tend to be the most frequent source of pain, but also the least disabling. Body memory pain, by contrast, can have me writhing on the floor and crying like a baby.

My personal take on headaches, for those of us with dissociative identities (DID) or any chronic dissociative problems, is that they are related to degrees of switching states. There are switches that we flow into and are kind on our system, and these do not usually generate headaches. These, for me, are switches that takes place when we, for example, end up being more playful or funny with our children. As such, they are not really full blown switches, though they can be, but more usually are more of the blending type I talked about in the post I referenced at the top.

But, most switches are highly stressful. And headaches are clearly linked to stress. Medically, I label these headaches as switching headaches or, the medical language would be tension headaches. The pain can be severe. Sometimes I just go right to medication, depending on what is going on, I will take as a first line, the variant of Fioricet without the caffeine. And try some techniques like guided relaxation and a heating pad on my neck to relax the muscles.

There appear, to me, to definitely be degrees of pain. If the internal stress is bad enough, it feels as though my whole body collapses, and this leads to what I think are migraines. These are the times when I cannot see well, become nauseous, cannot think at all, and the head pain is a different league. These can last a day or more for me. I have heard from others that migraines can last a week or longer. Thankfully, that has not been my experience. I usually can get by with medicating the pain, and forcing myself to sleep. That usually means I take a cocktail of Percocet, Flexeril, and Klonopin.

As I have healed, I have found that these really bad states happen less and less. This leads me to the interesting piece. What is interesting, for me, about all of this is that there are things I can do to solve these pain states without any medication at all, and quickly. I am just not that good at doing this yet, but I am getting better. There have been many times I have ended up in a really bad switch state and in bad headache pain (which is usually accompanied by other somatic body memory pain, like neck or throat pain) and ended up phoning "My Healing Guide." She almost always tries to help me get grounded, and whatever part of me is out will almost always resist. The miracle is that getting grounded works and solves the pain. And often the solving of the pain happens as quickly as the switch itself.

Now one could look at that data in a couple of ways. One could say that the pain is contained in a part (or parts) of me, and that my getting grounded as me, Paul, still could keep the pain in the part, with the part suffering. I do not subscribe to that theory. I think that becoming grounded helps the whole system, and parts of the system become more at peace (sort of like what I was trying to get at in the "Blending" piece).

What is your experience?

Welcome to Activity No. 6 of the Expressive Arts Carnival. Thank you to all who participate and a special welcome if you are new!

Submissions are due by December 27, 2010. All submissions must be made by e-mail.

You may also wish to send me a link to a page hosted on your own site (or blog), if you have one. It is important to repeat that nobody is required to have a blog in order to participate.

The Carnival will be published on the afternoon of December 28, 2010.

To submit, e-mail to: paul@mindparts.org.

Please use "EXPRESSIVE ARTS" in the subject heading to help me keep track of submissions. Every submission will receive an acknowledgement of receipt. If you don't receive one within a day or so, then please follow up with me.

If you have questions or need clarifications, direct them to me by e-mail or ask in the comments here.