A Second Opinion on Oprah's "200 Men" Shows
As some of you know, The Oprah Show did a two-part special on childhood sexual abuse of males. I basically panned the first part in Why I Did Not Appreciate Oprah's "200 Men" Show because I felt it was overly sensationalistic and focused mainly on men telling of their graphic abuse details.
I was only able to watch the second show last week, and it was significantly better than the first. Probably it has done a good service to male survivors and their loved ones as many important themes were touched upon. To the uninitiated, to someone who has not started to heal, to spouses who are lacking closeness, I saw this as progress. So, for that I am thankful for the show. While the first episode is online in its entirety, the second is not. But I will do my best to summarize the show here as well as provide my own commentary, hence this will be a long post.
Because the show spent a significant amount of effort focusing on the impact on spouses and loved ones, my immediate reaction was that if my wife were able to see this show, it could sow the seeds of change for us as a couple. But she does not want to see the show even though it is on our DVR. As I have made significant healing progress these past couple years, I have realized that we are not on the same path. This is difficult for me because it makes me feel like the burden of healing is all on me. Of course, I understand the majority of healing is on me. But I do not think my wife appreciates the toll that all of what we have gone through has affected her and that she may need to do things to care for, and heal, herself. So, I will save the episode and hopefully someday she will be able to see it.
As I watched, I found myself crying. And I realized that I do still have some mourning to do, or maybe a lot. I had always thought I was all done. For expert advice, the show featured Dr. Howard Fradkin, a psychologist out of Ohio who co-chairs the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery, see Male Survivor. Dr. Fradkin made a number of statements that hit home for me. He said many things so perfectly well. While Oprah clearly struggled with the topic of healing, Dr. Fradkin did not. He was the one who brought up the issue by saying: "it's absolutely possible to heal and recover completely and fully. It takes a lot of time and it impacts everyone in your life." I am "technically" in my 20th year of healing, which has changed significantly over the years. I know I have a long way to go, but I appreciate his statement. I found it hopeful.
The show then asked what is different for male survivors versus female survivors. Most of my survivor friends, either online or from the hospital, are female. For me, personally, I have not seen much difference. I see the struggles as the same. But, I have long wondered why I am usually the only male on the trauma/dissociative inpatient unit at McLean Hospital. I have often thought I was different in some way. I have had discussions with therapists about this in the past. Usually I understand it that men typically do not seek help. Or that men are more likely to channel their anger into drugs and alcohol or even land in prison. All of those outcomes make me sad.
But I am also make glad that circumstances for me were such that I broke down right after college in 1990 and sought help. When the 2002 clergy abuse scandal erupted, there was also a sense of coming together for survivors. The public outcry helped to lift the veil of shame. During those early years there were well-attended support groups here in Boston (the epicenter of the scandal) and there was definitely a sense of camaraderie. I suppose what I experienced was what Oprah was aiming for with this show. It was not at all always this way, but now am fairly comfortable identifying myself as a survivor and committing myself to doing the hard work of healing. From the language of some of the guests, I clearly can see that is not the case for many. Again, I consider myself lucky.
Sexual identity confusion was also discussed. This is an area I typically shy away from. Maybe this is not such a problem for me on the whole because the problem is so relegated to parts of me as someone who is dissociative. As grounded me, Paul, I have no problem identifying as a healthy vibrant husband and father. But, that is not the case for many young parts of me. The confusion has always been there. The show addressed a common myth: that male on male sexual abuse can cause homosexuality. The psychologist said, correctly, that sexual orientation is determined around ages 4 or 5, and since most abuse happens later, there can be no effect. But there still is sexual identity confusion. When a boy is abused by a man, the common response is that they do not know what to feel about the connection they felt, sexual pleasure, attention, etc. This confusion remains until it is addressed and healed.
In the next section, there was a discussion about moving from coping to healing. This was right up my alley! Oprah's producer, Ray, said he didn't want to live with the abuse having control over him anymore and that "you get abused by your abuser, and then you get abused again by the aftermath of the abuse." He further said on moving from coping to healing, "We all come up with clever ways in which to live our lives with it lurking in the background. And you're trying to operate and maneuver in the world with it there. I think healing is when you let yourself feel the feelings, when you are honest with yourself about what it's actually has done to you, and mourn that." For me, this was all code for talking about dysfunctional coping. Oprah talked about her promiscuous years. There was some talk about cutting. For me, I have long struggled with self injury and I want to be free of that! I feel over the past couple years I have begun to make the transition from coping to healing. That changes everything!
Oprah repeated her favorite definition of forgiveness, as "giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." She said you have to mourn, but you can't stay there. Then the question was "How to move forward?" She said the first step is to speak up, so that shame can begin to heal. This touched home for me, because I have spoken up in various ways over the years. In the early 90s, just coming forward to get help was a form of speaking up. Then suing the church in the mid 90s, was speaking up further (although that was shrouded in secrecy). As I said, in 2002 the church scandal brought survivors together and there was more speaking up. But, the real watershed moment for me, and I have not ever said this here before, was in 2007 when there was a sex abuse scandal at my daughter's place of gymnastics. While my daughter was not involved in any way, it was the first time that my family life and my abusive past came together. Our town is small, and I spoke up in the local paper. I came forward as a survivor myself. For me this turned out to be a big deal. This speaking up changed things for me. This was when I really started to heal. Therapy made a dramatic shift and this was around the time Mind Parts was created. Lifting the veil of shame has been critical for me.
The low point of the show was when Oprah asked "How men are to find help?" The psychologist talked about therapy, but also about therapists being hard (if not impossible) to find, and so using Internet support groups or bulletin boards were mentioned as alternatives. That, to me, is poor advice. To the best of my knowledge, there are many therapists out there and many opportunities for men to find healing.
Oprah then ended by saying these wonderful words: "The reason why we wanted to do this show is because every man in this room, every one of you, represents the spirit of something dark that has happened to you, but also the spirit of hope and the spirit of survival."
The link to Oprah's shows can be found at: A Two-Day Oprah Show Event: 200 Adult Men Who Were Molested Come Forward.
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I'm glad the second show was a better experience for you.
Thanks Evan. I don't get why they put up the entire first show online and not the second. But maybe I can find it somewhere.
I'm glad you felt this one was more on target for actually healing rather than ratings. I don't watch Oprah, as a rule. I find her so full of herself and preachy that it gets to be hard to take at times... I used to watch her years ago when she was more down to earth and less empowered by her ratings, celebrity and money.
Consequently that is the first time I've heard her 'Favorite definition of forgiveness'. IT's a great definition. I believe it comes directly from twelve-step programs. It's hard to remember sometimes that forgiveness is not for the other person. The idea of forgiving and forgetting is not helpful - it isn't about forgetting (and thereby possibly allowing yourself to be hurt again) it is about not allowing the past to be part of your present. Things happened the way they did for a reason
(I believe) and I would not be who I am if things had been different.
Abusers do not change, will not change, cannot change.
I had no power then, but I have power now and I will never allow myself to be taken advantage of again. I know better.
I can forgive because I can't change the past or the abuser and therefore I can move forward and leave the ugliness in the past.
It's good, also, that she mentions the mourning that is necessary. There's a lot... isn't there? It sometimes seems to be never ending.
And... I agree with you on two other points. I can't imagine healing without a therapist to rely on during the most vulnerable and difficult phases of this. And - like you - I believe my spouse could use some help in dealing with aspects of our relationship. He also puts all of the burden of healing on me - basically it's "You fix it and let me know when it' safe to come back." It is a huge issue in my marriage as well.
More commonalities than differences - despite the gender issue.
Shen, Today was a first start in addressing the spouse issue. As you can see I buried it in a large post! I hope to come back to it soon. It's definitely a problem I would like to write about head on. Yes, I agree on the definition of forgiveness. I had not immediately realized what the quote was saying and I first thought it was about forgiving abusers. I see it now as you do, "allowing the past to be part of your present". I like that quote much better anyway. I was stunned on how they talked about therapists as being impossible to find. The gender issue isn't so much a barrier between us. DID helps solve that pretty well!
Has your wife read "Allies in Healing" ? or "What about me?"
These are good books for partners of survivors.
Have been reading your blog for some time. Thank you for writing !
Thank you Freedom Spice for your recommendations! I will definitely check these out. And thanks for reading.
Paul,
Thank you for your post. I don't agree that it's easy to find a therapist that understands sexual abuse, never mind cleary abuse or ritualistic sacrificial torture.
I must live near you. I am in the Worcester County area. Since coming forward in 1996 I have had difficulty finding a therapist that wasn't just a compasionate listener. I'm tired of having to educate the therapist first on the subject that they are suppose to be treating me for.
You must have good insurance. I have Fallon Community Health Care which is VERY limiting in providing good care.
I am very resolved with my case. I was the first of many that came forward. I settled with the Diocese, prevailed in a civil case and eventually facilitated in my abuser being set to jail for most likely the rest of his life.
I have since gotten into "present moment awareness" with authors like Eckhart Tolle and have searched for another identity other than a clergy abuse survivor.
I'm tired of my dark story and even though I know I have helped hundreds of other survivors it's time for me to shift to another chapter. Clergy abuse might have been a chapter in my life but I'll be damned if I'm going to let it be a book.
There is a lot about my life that I just don't want to figure out. I have too many other things going on.
I question some mental health professional perpetuaing the need for therapy where the focus is on the self. Maybe they are really just trying to stay employed.
All survivors seek their own path for healing, of which, seeing a therapist is only one. I have also met or spoken with many vicitims who do not seem to be compromised by their abuse and will most likely never seek therapy.
Hi Dave, Thank you for writing. I do agree with you that finding a good therapist is difficult. I didn't mean to imply it was easy. Congratulations on doing all that you have done. I like your attitude on moving forward. I fully agree that there are many paths to healing. Thank you for stopping by.
I also agree that finding the right therapist is not easy... but I think it's worth it. I personally cannot imagine trying to do on my own what I've been doing with my therapist, and had I not done all this work with her I would be in a much darker place than now.
I do realize that finding the right therapist is hard. I have been lucky because I quickly ended up at McLean with so many great people. But I have some experience outside of that circle and have some sense of how difficult it is to find someone good. But it's not just about finding someone good, it's about finding a right fit. Therapy is so personal and so people should not be afraid to move on to keep looking to find someone that works for them. That's my own take.
Paul,
As I look back, I view the actual seeking of a therapist to have been therapeutic. In one year I had 5 therapists.
Firing 4 therapists might have indicated that I was reacting to what I was perceiving as a "secular priest" know-it-all type but it might have been an exercise in discriminating who I want to influence me. It was clear that I didn't want a priest to influence me.
That said: Is it a blessing or a curse that at a young age we learned that the core influencer (the abuser) in the family was not what he was chucked up to be?
I have mentored many victims and still do. Many remember the details of their abuse but they don't necessarily validate the effect that the abuse had on their lives.
That said: You can't spend any quality time on this planet without picking up a few scares. Each scare comes with a story. They also come with reminders. As a beekeeper I am occasionally reminded that I should wear protective gear. As someone who heats my house with a wood stove I now wear thermal gloves when loading the stove with wood since I'm tired of burning my hands. How can this be any different than haveing a very bad experience with a priest and most likely a bishop that transfered him from church to church? Some learn fast and some never learn.
I don't know if this is totally true with me but I like to say that I am one of the lucky ones that got away from the Church. Many try to fix things within the framework of their understand as a Catholic. I look at that like trying to fix a very toxic marriage; maybe it's better to go separate ways.
The plants that thrive in my garden are the ones that I feed. Likewise, if I continue to feed into the fact that I have been victimized, etc. I'm curious what damaging effects that might have on the rest of my life.
My preference is to stay in the question since coming up with an answer could cut me short on the learning curve.
Dave, I'm glad you found the seeking of a therapist to be helpful for you. I can understand your wanting to be discriminating, and you should be. And I understand the part about being careful about who influences you. Thank you for mentoring victims. I will write you to learn about how you do that. I have come to appreciate that not everything needs to be dissected for one to heal. It's difficult for many to validate the effects especially if they don't have a clear guide to help them heal. I have mixed reactions towards the Church. I have written here before about how parts of me clearly long for what that represented. I struggle greatly with religion.
Sexual abuse of any kind stinks... It does not have to be sexual abuse by clergy. I had a wonderful therapist who brought me to place where I felt healed... I worked with this person for nearly twenty years... but complete healing? I don't know... not in this life... the damage and pain can not be described...
I agree Dot. Healing is technically never done. I tend to think of it as we are all (abuse survivors or not) on a path and that path is never fully realized. So, our lives are always a work in progress. I try to emphasize the life part and not the abuse part. But, I do agree, the damage is devastating.
I'm glad you found this show more beneficial Paul, and I'm sorry that your wife is unwilling to watch it at the moment. I hope she does in the future.
I like the quotes from Ray - especially about the aftermath of the abuse. It's easy when you're not living it, to think that the survivor needs to "get over it" or "suck it up". Getting on with it was what we did for years. It isn't healthy, and it doesn't work long term.
It's unfortunate that access to therapy wasn't shown in a better light, as it may stop some people seeking help through therapy. I know it isn't easy to find a therapist, but finding a good one is worth the search.
As an aside, when I was searching for this episode online, I found that Oprah has, in full, the two shows where she interviewed child molesters. Why not also have the two shows dedicated to victims? The molester shows were graphic, so an indication of what they think the Oprah viewer wants to see, or will sell advertising dollars? Sad, really sad.
Take care,
CG
Hi Castorgirl. I think your points are right on. It's easy to look at someone who has not "healed" and think that it's just a matter of "sucking it up". I can see how someone would say that if they cannot comprehend what the work of healing is all about. It's okay though. I don't expect people to understand that. Yes, the access to therapy piece was done poorly. And, as has been said here, I think we all agree that finding a good therapist is hard for everyone. I can't believe they would put up the full episodes of the two shows where she interviewed molesters. I can only hope she will eventually put up this show. Or else we can find it somewhere or I can figure out how to hack my DVR!
Thanks for reviewing this, Paul. I neglected to record it myself and have been looking for a link online.
I am very glad to hear that there was more focus on healing. I love and wholeheartedly agree with the quote you include from Dr. Fradkin on that topic.
I am less enthused about him (or any professional) making it sound like good therapy/therapists are scarce. Taking that first step towards therapy can be so difficult, survivors need to know that good help is out there and accessible.
Thanks again.
Thanks Kathleen. I will hack into my DVR this weekend so don't worry, I'll get it digitally and get it to you.
Thank you, Paul!
*facepalm* can you at least pretend that you're not going to break copyright law in front of the librarian...
But, while you're at it, can you send me a copy too :)
Don't worry. I won't post it publicly! It's just like making cassette tapes in the 80s. It's all good.
I now have the episode digitally. So if people want it, I can get it to you.
Hi Paul,
I heard from a man who was on Oprah's first show. It was interesting for me because I think it was the same day I read your post on the first show that I heard his thoughts - and they were so different! I got the impression that for him it was a powerful experience and a move in the right direction.
I'm glad you liked the second show better. I haven't watched it so I can't comment on it but I understand why you'd prefer the second show, based on your description. While I believe firmly that there's a time and place for detailed descriptions of trauma and abuse - those are stories that I think must be told and re-told - I myself refrain from engaging in those discussions and find myself avoiding reading material that delves too deeply into traumatic detail. I prefer to write about life now, with an eye on how the past affects it.
Having said that though, I will say that the man who was on Oprah definitely had me thinking about my policy of 'no trauma talk.' I'm not so sure it's the right one. Then again, I'm not in a position to do anything about it now.
Btw, these are just the thoughts I had when reading your post(s) ... I know you aren't personally advocating 'no trauma talk.'
As for your wife - I can relate. It's different for me, but the same too.
Holly, Nice to hear from you. I think because the two shows were filmed at the same time, someone who went there in person would have had the fuller experience. I do understand a need to let the public know that awful things do happen. But I feel like many people don't realize that it's often really triggering for survivors to hear these details. This is why I always like to focus on healing here, and why I liked the second show much better. It talked about healing and also what the after effects are.
Paul, I understand this difference with the gender of the abused. Our society is so hard on men in many ways. I have a son. My only son. He's a good person in his heart. And my POS ex abused him. I was lucky to have discovered it and put a stop to it, but my poor boy put up with questions from some family members (even from a therapist!) that most females are less likely to endure. "Why did you let him do that? Are you gay?" This is so cruel and unfair. It is sexist, homophobic and disgusting. And all the poor little boy had in his corner was me (unhealed, scared, but still firmly on his side even though it caused unimaginable havoc within and severed relationships without). I deeply resent that my boy was greeted this way when he needed love and support from every place he could possibly get it. He is currently serving an 8 1/2 year prison sentence for robbing pharmacies to get drugs. I thought it was significant that he did this with an empty BB gun. I asked him why he did it like that and he said, "I guess I didn't want to use an actual gun with bullets. Someone could have been hurt with a loaded gun in a situation like that." That is the thing I remember the most about the time after he was arrested. It still makes me cry. I don't condone what he did, but I understand him and I am still on his side and will be his mother forever no matter what. I HATE IT when people treat men as if they should be super-human. This actually robs them of their rights and it makes me ANGRY!!! You don't have to be super-human, Paul. Women are not better than men. Women are not automatically weaker, men are not automatically stronger -- I truly believe we are equal. Different in some ways maybe, but EQUAL. You are allowed to cry and to heal. You DESERVE to heal. You are a good person and just as deserving as any person be they male or female. Don't let the sexists lie to you unchallenged. If they get you down, send them to me and I'll give them the what-for.
Hi Ethereal Highway. I am so sorry to hear what happened to your son, all of it. For me, I was met with immense support in the early 90s, so I think this is what made the difference for me. I know many other males don't get that support and keep it all in. That's why I wrote in the blog post at least couple of times that I truly consider myself lucky. In fact, in the section where they talked about males being in prison, there was an appreciation from the audience that many of these men were victims of their abuse. It doesn't make it right. But it does help explain it.
I also believe that healing is a long process and sometimes never "finished." Thank you for summarizing the shows. They would have been difficult for me to watch as it would have brought up issues regarding my own sexual abuse.
I am glad that you were able to watch it and are healing. (((Paul))) I also thought that you might want to read my post about male sexual abuse. The link is http://clinicallyclueless.blogspot.com/2010/04/forgotten-victim.html
Thank you ClinicallyClueless. This video piece was done by Christopher de Serres from (Wo)Men Speak Out, a husband and wife advocacy team which I support. He wrote a comment on my last post about Oprah and linked to his own reactions to it (as he was in the audience).
I think it would be very hard to hear all those stories with no real message of hope and healing. It is good that they focused more on that in the second show.
You wrote about Dr. Fradkin: He was the one who brought up the issue by saying: "it's absolutely possible to heal and recover completely and fully. It takes a lot of time and it impacts everyone in your life."
I see that as a message of hope, but I am not sure I agree with him. Just as a broken limb may heal completely and yet leave you with a limp, I think that same thing can be true emotionally and mentally. You may no longer hurt, but there may be an emotional and mental "limp".
One thing that I learned about, which was very helpful to me, is that severe abuse occurring when a child is very young effects the physical development of the brain. The brain is literally "hard wired" differently. There are lasting effects that go into adulthood that all the counseling in the world won't eliminate. There are some things, like a limp, that we simply have to recognize are there. We have to learn to live with them.
Having said that, however, that have been some breakthroughs using neurotherapies that have been used on people whose brains have been damaged in accidents. Those same therapies are also starting to be applied to people who have been abused at young ages... even those with DID. From what I have read, it has been very helpful.
I contacted a doctor who uses that and he said that someone with DID would also have to be working with a therapist. For me, it was not workable. The cost is high and insurance companies do not cover it, or at least they did not a couple/three years ago.
I guess what I am trying to say is that not everyone has access and not everything can be completely healed. So much depends upon having support and the right kind of help. And, sometimes, healing takes real miracles, which I have seen. But miracles are, by nature, out of the ordinary.
I have had some dynamite therapists and a lay counselor who helped me incredibly. However, I have also had nightmare experiences with therapists. Even if I had the money, I don't know that I would trust a therapist again who has the kind of experience I need. It would have to be someone I already know or something.
A huge amount of my healing work has been done between G-d, me and my system. I suspect there is a lot more to do. It is something I suspect will come up when we move into the house. We will see.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Paul. You always make me think when I read what you write and I appreciate that. :-)
OneSurvivor, Thanks for your input on the Oprah shows. I do agree with you on the Fradkin comment about recovering completely. I think if he thought about it and were writing, he would not have said such a strong statement. I try to look at it in this way: that we are all the sum of our experiences, good and bad. And I would say that there are many ways in which I am a better person for having gone through what I did. Maybe that balances out the ways in which I clearly have a "limp". Not sure. Can you share more about what these "neurotherapies" are? I'll drop you an email to touch base on this, in case you don't see my reply here. Thanks for the nice comments about making you think. I love to make people think!!!
Paul, I don't think a limp is necessarily a bad thing. It is simply something that we must work around or with. My "limps" remind me of where I come from and actually, I hope, help me to be more tenderhearted to those who are still struggling more than I in any given area.
The fact that I can walk at all, even with the limp, reminds me of how far I have come. I guess it is kind of like someone in pain being thankful for the pain because it means they are still alive?
I think things do kind of balance out in their own way. I agree that I am the sum of all that has happened. Although, I would say that I am even more than that. I am also the sum of all that I have done about all of that plus all that G-d has done in my life.
I was able to find the link to a site that I first heard about. http://www.eeginfo.com/ I know a woman that did it for a while. She said it helped her to be able to sleep soundly for the first time in I don't know how many years, maybe ever. She quit before anything more could be accomplished, however. The doctor I contacted was listed as their practitioner closest to me.
So far as the brain being affected by trauma, I have some links to articles and would LOVE it if someone knows of a good book or other articles.
OneSurvivor. I agree. I see my own "limp" as my war wound. Maybe this is not a good example, but I am suddenly recalling the scene from Jaws where the tough captain shows off his shark bites. I agree with everything else you said. And thank you for sending through that link!!
I think it's true, we don't express ourselves as accurately in speech as we might in writing. Sometimes things are said for emphasis...
I also doubt that anyone recovers completely from any experience. Yes, we are the sum of our experiences. Some would even go so far as to be grateful for even the darkest times in our lives because without them we would not be in the present we find ourselves in.
That's a lot easier once we've found ourselves in a safe present than during the hardest part of the struggle. I can say that most of the time, at this point, I am grateful for having survived what I have. I can't imagine who I'd be without having lived the life I have. This does not mean I give any credit to an abuser. Abuse of any kind is wrong and no amount of growth or strength which comes from it justifies the actions or the perpetrators.
Very well said Shen!
'Recovery' is tricky I think. Especially for abused children. Their 'recovery' certainly doesn't mean going back to 'recover' their childhood.
As to Dr Fradkin. I find it conceivable s/he doesn't always relate well to their husband/wife/significant other but still feels that they can say this.
In this situation 'recovery' tends to mean becoming average - like other people. This has attractive features but average behaviour leads to some awful consequences in my view. Our culture survives on various kinds of drugs and addictions - it seems to me that it is a pretty unhealthy place in many ways.
I think we need an understanding of health that is something like 'doing well where you are.' Or, perhaps put more positively, 'flowing creatively with life'. One implication is that many a client flows with their life far more satisfactorily than many a therapist.
I don't know Ethan. I just simply heard it as a message of hope. All you say may well be true. But I hope people think of recovery as an opportunity to seek health and happiness and not just survive. The blog "Survivor to Thriver" keeps ringing in my ear. I love that phrase.
Thanks Paul for sharing your insight on Oprah's show. It is January 7th and my husband and I just watched the show dealing with sexual abuse and men. It has taken my husband that long to feel brave enough to watch the show. I also was disappointed in the two show segment. The second show just began to deal with how the abuse affects the family.
My husband and I have been married for 32 years and have not had sexual relations for the past 13 years. He was abused by his mother for many years when he was in grade school. It has been a struggle for him to deal with the abuse and its aftermath. My husband is part of a support group, but unfortunately it is all women (and himself). We have looked around and not found any groups that are only men.
I wish that Oprah would have included discussions on lack of self esteem, depression, suicide and the inability to form serious long-term relationships. One thing we have learned through his recovery is that love, support and communication are crucial. It has taken him years to feel good about the wonderful person he is and how to deal with any contact with his mother.
Debbie, Thank you for writing. Yes, sadly, when dealing with trauma most groups are mostly women. Personally I don't have much of a problem with this. In the clergy abuse support groups there were way more men, but to be honest I found that uncomfortable. I find it much safer to share my feelings about being male and what the impacts are as far as that goes in therapy. Does your husband goto therapy? You are a wonderful wife to be so supportive of your husband (i.e., to take the time to read this even and comment) and to know that communication is so key.
Debbie,
I have mentored only clergy abuse victims for years. I was first listed on
a national clergy abuse website and for years worked with attorneys helping
their clients.
Though your husband is not a clergy abuse victim maybe the following will
help:
In the early days of my activism (1990s) there were few books written about
clergy sexual abuse and very few therapists that were versed on that subject
so all that was available were books just on sexual abuse as a child.
One book that I have read that is male specific is "Broken Boys/Mending Men"
by Stephen D. Grubman-Black. The book dates back to the early 90s so you
might have trouble finding it. I have referred it to many.
I love the title since suggests that men also mend, or at least, some men.
The book follows that same theme.
The uniqueness of the book is also that the author (a group therapist for
men who were sexually abused) allowed 5 men to "tell their story" of abuse
but the 2nd half of the book reveals their healing or simply how they moved
on with their lives in a positive way. I highly recommend it.
From my experience dealing with hundreds of victims, I have found that there
is a period of time when the abused is a victim but with many, the victim
seems to drift into the survivor mode. I don't think there is any one way
to become a survivor. I have observed most go through therapy but others do
not.
To preface my next point: I find great enjoyment listening to thoughtful
podcasts. One site that I frequent is www.newdimensions.org. New
Dimensions usually is broadcasted on NPR stations. They usually interview
authors of more or less self help interests. The podcasts are called New
Dimension Café.
I recently heard a podcast that stood out for me personally. It was with
the author Andrew Rienkowski who has just written a book called, "One Life
to Give; A Path to Finding Yourself by Helping Others".
Andrew Rienkowski has coined the phrase "Radical Gratitude". Many of us
know that gratitude is a key to healthy living. Most of us find that it's
easy to be grateful for our wellbeing, family or even winning money with a
lottery ticket, etc. But when someone has a negative life experience, i.e.
a broken leg or even sexual abuse it is very, very hard to find anything to
be grateful for. Radical gratitude is finding the good aspect of something
that is very difficult or painful. These experiences often are the best
teachers in our lives.
Here is the link to that interview. I think it's only 15 minutes long:
http://www.newdimensions.org/cafe/C0151/andrew-bienkowski-living-a-meaningfu
l-life/
For a few years now I have been beginning to see the bright side of my
abuse. I have been through therapy but I have also experienced a lot of
resolve. It's taken a lot of effort but I feel today my abuse has defined
me and helped me establish values that I think has made me a better person.
Not everyone has that story.
Maybe www.malesurivor.org can assist you to find a male survivor group or
therapist that understands this subject. I also know they have workshops
regularly just for men.
Lastly, I question how much good it does for someone to totally entrench
themselves into the lurid, mental muck of their negative life experiences.
Many feel otherwise but for me I feel my healing started when I looked away
from my dark story and started listening and mentoring others.
Not everyone is that fortunate. I wish you and your husband well.
Dave