January 2011 Archives

Welcome to the January 2011 edition of the Expressive Arts Carnival. This month's theme, see announcement, was to "create a self portrait."

It is my policy to not comment on art in the Carnival itself, as I feel as though it is not my place to put words to others' art, especially healing art. This is why it is the words of the artists themselves talking about their entries. But certainly if discussions ensue in the comments, I am happy to talk about the art in any way that's appropriate and encourage others to do so.

For a more traditional view, here are the entries in the order received. As usual, if there is a blog post with more details, the artist's name will have a link to it.

Entry 1: Shen

Shen wrote: "I did the drawing series this morning as a distraction. I was hoping to head off this depression, but no such luck. It's taking hold very strongly, a reaction both to the latest outburst from my father, and to the integration of an eight-year-old who never knew my sister actually left. She's grieving, I guess... and I guess that means I am as well."

Entry 2: Castorgirl

Castorgirl wrote: "It's difficult to portray to the world how you see yourself, when you know that your self image is so twisted.  I can see myself as innocent, guilty, fat, thin, ugly, dirty, disgusting, etc all at once. There is an added layer of confusion, when you see yourself as a reflection of those around you.  The most obvious example of this is when I was growing up, I was constantly comparing myself to the sister.  She always seemed to be able to garner the attention of the parents that I so desperately wanted.  I never seemed to be able to get it though, no matter how much I tried."

Entry 3: Holly

Holly wrote: "Creating this self portrait helped illuminate for me why I feel so unseen. Everything people find interesting or special about me belongs to other parts of my system. Without them, I am a blank slate, invisible."

Entry 4: Ivory

Ivory wrote: "This picture tells a story. At times, I feel like a puppet, broken. Even so, there is no one controlling the strings, leaving me helpless, too. While my emotions are often twirling, the rest of me is rigid and stagnate. All too often, I find myself unable to move forward, yet there is no one and nothing in my way. It was drawn in a PTSD flashback during a class on abnormal psychology. The instructor was talking about how when a person is diagnosed with DID, he/she is immediately taken to a "facility" best equipped to handle "that kind of thing." The year was 2006. That lecture was deeply disturbing and I don't remember actually drawing the stick man, but I remember thinking that I was very broken. I didn't realize until after the daily 4 hour class that instead of taking notes, an alter had drawn how she was feeling, the way "he" was making her think about herself.  The picture is hand drawn, then scanned and put into PaintShop Pro X. I added some brown chalk coloring  for fill in and then I believe I used the "Artistic Effects" of Contours."

Entry 5: Nansie

Nansie wrote: "This was me at 5 years old on my first grade picture. I was already a shell of a person and the bubbles around me represent the parts of me that had already become separate. They are all around me at their earliest beginnings."

Entry 6: Katie

Katie wrote: "Though initially I was reluctant to focus on myself so directly as in making a self-portrait, this experience helped me see where I am today. Things about myself I feel good about, and areas in which I still struggle."

Entry 7: Kylie

Kylie wrote: "I wanted to show how much hurt I still feel inside from my past; I wanted to show how fractured I feel living with DID but I also wanted to acknowledge how much I have achieved in healing and how much my self esteem has improved in the last few years. As well as showing how broken I sometimes feel with so many parts, I thought that the broken mirror was an apt metaphor for how the abuse has distorted my view of myself.

Entry 8: Thesamesky

Thesamesky wrote: "This is a picture I drew in July 2008, a representation of the physical and emotional barriers I put up to keep me safe. Unfortunately this also prevents others from getting close enough to touch and comfort  me. I drew this in response to my counsellors observation about being uncertain whether or not it was safe to come near me, not being sure what reaction she might get. The girl is perhaps so hurt that she  doesn't trust the hands that might help her. I really enjoyed doing this piece. It was one of the first times I had ever attempted artwork in relation to therapy and expressing an image, and I was pleasantly surprised at the results. Using the charcoal to create the surrounding shadow was particularly therapeutic (I used my fingers!) And writing words to create the barrier was helpful because it got them down on the paper."

Entry 9: Paul

I wrote: "I did this in stages in a direct attempt to reconnect inside. The first stage was just the circle of my head and a circle for my mouth. We stopped and talked about it a little bit. The second stage added the strong black slanted lines for the closed eyes and "My Healing Guide" said "that changes it quite a bit." I then (quite deliberately) blackened in the mouth. Then I dirtied up the face. Each time she said what I was doing was changing the message of the image a lot."

Entry 10: Kerro

Kerro wrote: "The Polyvore set shows more about how I see myself in relation to the world. It isn't the happy, positive image I had hoped to create, though I'm comfortable with how it turned out. I am small, in a very big world. I am colourless, in a world of colour. I am ugly, in a world of beauty. I am invisible, in a world of light. I'm different; I'm an outsider. I am hiding my face because I've never felt worthy. That is changing, but I've still got a way to go."

Entry 11: Kathleen

Kathleen wrote: "This is a self portrait I completed in an inpatient art therapy group awhile ago and is now hanging in my art therapy show at Lesley University. It was from a time when I was feeling particularly disconnected and all my parts had no clue what the others were doing. I was feeling that I/we had hypersensitivity (vision, sight, hearing) and yet at the same time, oppositionally,  disconnected and somewhat numb/floaty too. Kind of like my world was being taken in by 7 different reports and nothing added up to a remotely similar story."

Entry 12: Wantstorun

Wantstorun wrote: "The girl facing the mirror represents me presently; I don't "see" myself in the mirror most often, but instead I see or feel those other parts that are around (through) the mirror (not the entire system, but some representatives)." This piece is done with mixed media of colored pencils, compact pastels, and collage.

Entry 13: OneSurvivor

OneSurvivor wrote: "For 'Woman with Dreams' I did a collage that represented my whole system. Then I did a subset of 5 collages that represented particular aspects of myself. This is number 5. All six really go together as a set, but I chose this one for the Carnival because of what it expresses: hope. I have notes for each one except this one. I wonder if that is because dreams are always changing on some level and I did not want to lock into anything. Whatever my dreams for my life are, at any given moment, I believe they may be reflected on some level within this collage."

That's all folks! Thanks to all those who contributed. If you think this Carnival is worthwhile, then let others know about it and we can continue to increase the contributors for future months.

It has been a long two weeks since I last posted, where I wrote about crashing, suicidality, and then rallying (and in the ensuing comments, about crashing again). Since I wrote that post, the cycle continued. I managed to keep going by completely disconnecting inside. And I know that is not a good place to be. It is interesting now. In the past, I would not have given a second thought to it. You disconnect, so much happens that you have no awareness of, but you accomplish what you are supposed to do in life and people around you are happy. But, boy, I am now aware of what the cost is of doing that. I know I can never stay in that place for too long. Because it really feels awful! So, now, two weeks later, I am working on reconnecting.

I thought one way to reconnect was to do the Expressive Arts Carnival Activity for this month, the self portrait. When I put up the activity, I did it with the knowledge that so much art we survivors make is about how we look at ourselves. So, in a sense, almost all are self portraits. I have done very abstract self portraits, with no recognizable body features, just colors and lines. I have also done more traditional self portraits.

This image is one that I originally made in the hospital a few months ago. I was in a very hard place. I did not see much hope. I knew I wanted that image to be the one I would share here. But I could not find it. In therapy the other day, I decided to redo the image. The original was done with charcoal sticks. I like using those. But "My Healing Guide" did not have any available in her office. So, we decided to use black chalk pastels. I do not think I have ever used chalk pastels before, but I really liked the way the color went onto the page. This recreated image has more color than the original, and also a black open mouth (whereas the original had a white open mouth).

I did this in stages in a direct attempt to reconnect inside. The first stage was just the circle of my head and a circle for my mouth. We stopped and talked about it a little bit. The second stage added the strong black slanted lines for the closed eyes and "My Healing Guide" said "that changes it quite a bit." I then (quite deliberately) blackened in the mouth. Then I dirtied up the face. Each time she said what I was doing was changing the message of the image a good deal.

This is the result. I should perhaps say that just an hour prior I had finished a huge work deadline that had consumed me for a few days straight. I was able to be successful with that challenge. Yet, instead of coming from work to therapy and celebrating, I felt like I was collapsing. This is how I saw myself. As bad, damaged, unaware. My eyes are closed (or maybe sealed shut). My mouth is screaming (or maybe it is a view into the badness that consumes me).

I am glad I did this piece. I know it is a significant step in trying to find some reconnection inside. Step by step.

As a reminder, submissions for the Expressive Arts Carnival Activity No. 7: Self Portrait are due by end of day Wednesday January 26.

I have seen this cycle many times now. But it still fascinates me.

Just days ago I was at a really low low. I was in a place which was highly unusual for me and harkened back to a decade or more ago. Not only was I having thoughts of dying, but I was formulating a plan. While I know I am more healed, I also know that having made two major attempts in the 90s puts me at risk for the rest of my life.

I was also acting impulsively, which is another risk factor. I was liberally medicating myself and not really remembering doing so. It was sort of like being in a dissociative fog. I could see myself grabbing pills and taking them, but I felt merely like an observer.

If I rewind to the holidays, I know I did very well during that time. I was super functional with work chores and also super functional around the family. I was also taking very good care of inside with a high degree of internal acceptance.

But there is always a crash.

I have often wondered if what happens to me is all simply a manic depressive cycle. My doctor assures me that while it looks similar, it is really all dissociatively based. It is less, he says, about chemical changes and more about who is out and what lens I am looking at life through.

So I crashed. Quite suddenly last week, I was unable to carry on with what I was doing at work the prior two weeks. It was literally as if someone else did the work. There was no context for it. I just could not do it. I did not understand it. This built up stress internally because I knew I had deadlines looming. But try as I might, I could not do the work. I ran up against a brick wall.

"My Healing Guide" advised me to allow parts of me to come forward and do the work, but I was already long gone. I was so dissociative. Our two therapy meetings last week were nothing more than a mass of switching personality states. I did not know which was way up.

She also advised me to go back to basics. And that is exactly what I did. I carted out the weighted blanket. I allowed myself to have the stuffed animals at in bed at night. I listened to music. I rested. I cut back on some of my work deadlines. But, even with all of these interventions, I was still switching like a lit brick of firecrackers. This put me in touch with those suicidal and impulsive states. I did not like that.

On Sunday, I was seriously contemplating going into the hospital. Then I got word from "My Healing Guide" that there was a sudden death in her family and she would need to be away for several days. I have never, to my knowledge, experienced such an immediate shift. I felt an enormous amount of empathy for her. But also it was as if the stars inside me aligned. It was as if a reservoir of strength was tapped into.

I, nearly instantly, became present and more whole. It is one of the fascinating aspects of dissociative identities: that our levels of presence, wholeness, acceptance, ability, creativity, are all variables which can fluctuate dramatically over short periods of time. This seems completely logical to me. If we are able to switch from one personality state to another, then we should also be able to move from a place of fragmentation to a place of relative wholeness. Yes, we are familiar with extremes of existence.

That very day, I was finally able to write the work paper and meet my deadline, a task which had alluded me for over a week. I was able to do house chores. I was fundamentally different with my wife and kids. I was totally involved with the kids in their schoolwork and activities. And sources of conflict with my wife rolled off my back because they seemed unimportant. Instead, I met that conflict with tolerance. I understood that my being not well caused stress in her and just accepted that.

So why write now? I could look at where I am at now and say it has only been two days. It just could be a fluctuation. And, yes, perhaps sadly, in the grand scheme of my life it is a fluctuation. I know full well I will find myself someday in that place of despair. I know full well I will someday be switching like a revolving door. But that feels so distant right now. So, incredibly and amazingly distant.

But I believe we must hold onto these moments of strength and wholeness. These are crucial touchstones. These are what we hope to achieve and sustain, so that do not just exist as moments, but extend into huge swaths of time. This is what all the work is all about. This is why we heal.

Welcome to Activity No. 7 of the Expressive Arts Carnival. Thank you to all who participate and a special welcome if you are new!

This month's theme:

Submissions are due by January 26, 2011. All submissions must be made by e-mail.

You may also wish to send me a link to a page hosted on your own site (or blog), if you have one. It is important to repeat that nobody is required to have a blog in order to participate.

The Carnival will be published on the afternoon of January 27, 2011.

To submit, e-mail to: paul@mindparts.org.

Please use "EXPRESSIVE ARTS" in the subject heading to help me keep track of submissions. Every submission will receive an acknowledgement of receipt. If you don't receive one within a day or so, then please follow up with me.

If you have questions or need clarifications, direct them to me by e-mail or ask in the comments here.

Last year in Looking Back and Ahead, I tried to make sense of my long healing journey as well as identified my gains for the year. I think it is probably good practice for all of us to reflect on the past year and use it as an opportunity to celebrate the gains, validate the tribulations, and set goals for the upcoming year.

For me, this year has been filled with at least as many ups and downs as the last one. Most of what follows is based on a discussion with "My Healing Guide" a couple of days ago. Whenever I talk about short-term gains, she likes to frame them in a larger context, as being built on the accumulated efforts of the entire journey. She says it is like I have already built a foundation, and our task is to add floors and rooms. I do like that metaphor.

I do believe that the Contract of a year ago was the launching point for what I was able to accomplish this past year. The entire Contract is really based on just a few basic principles (summarized by single words): trust, acceptance, and validation. Everything flows from these. While we don't read the Contract much these days, we don't really need to; its creation came from a place of near complete common ground and all inside know its essential elements to our core. Yes, the Contract has stood up well this past year. We have all understood its significance.

While I know our therapy work this past year was a true collaboration, it was important for me to tell "My Healing Guide" that she played a huge role in helping me continue to heal. I absolutely do not take that help for granted. None of my gains would have been possible without her help, without her willingness to be there for me, to walk with me, to listen to me, to promote trust, acceptance, and validation. Likewise, I do not want to underestimate the role that the online community, through this blog as well as reading of others, has played in helping me to think more broadly and regularly about many of the issues I, and others, face.

I also have an appreciation for the fact that healing is really about living. It is not all about therapy. The work we have done has helped me live more of the life I want to live. Yes, there have been some really low lows this year. But there have also been new connections inside, with my children and, to some extent, with my wife.

The 2010 year started out horribly with the Our Family Crisis, which blew up in our faces. This family "friend" was truly distorting my relationship with my wife and driving a huge wedge between us. This situation had been ongoing for years, but I think it came to a head because the "friend" saw an opening partly because I was in the hospital so often. It is astonishing to me that I was able to solve it. I stood up for my family. I took charge. I reestablished boundaries. The result was that my wife and I became much closer and that set us up for what was to come.

In Holy Week, Church Visit, Scandal, and Miracles, I wrote about how "My Healing Guide" went with me to the church where most of my childhood abuse took place. I never imagined that would have been possible, and I still cannot believe we did it! It was initially all completely validating and healing, but it did stir things up inside which caused us to eventually question whether it was the right thing to do after all.

There were gains made, however, which helped us realize it was definitely the right decision. Those gains came at a cost, though, because of internal instability that landed me inpatient quite a bit this past year; five hospitalization for 59 total days. I knew Easter was going to be really tough. In The Word of the Lord?, I wrote about some of the issues I faced during Easter and how I tried to put into perspective the stream of news coming out of Rome.

We then addressed directly a part who was key to the self-abuse. Inside, we were all certain she was the embodiment of evil. We were all afraid of her seemingly unlimited power. In Inside, an art piece done in the hospital, she stepped forward and joined in the healing process. That was a huge leap forward for all of me.

Not all was safe, though. That huge shift led to additional instability in my system. There was a long period of continued self-abuse from other parts who were newly activated. I wrote about this, mainly from an intellectual perspective, in Sex Injury: Past and Present. I used sex to recreate situations that would lead to my own abuse and recreate feelings of worthlessness. I do think, now, that I have come out the other side. I firmly believe that kind of self-abuse is permanently behind me. I am continually being reminded of what it was about (through flashbacks) and know it cannot ever happen again.

There were two occurrences that led to this resolution.

First, was when my wife found out about my self-abuse by my accidentally leaving my electronic journal open to a particularly sensitive entry. That she now knows about what has been my life's deepest secret (though she does not know details) is incredulous to me. Even more surprising is that while she had immense trouble with this new knowledge, I think it has made us stronger as a couple. The cards were put on the table. She finally learned that there are truly dark aspects to what I have to deal with.

Second, was that I physically got hurt from the self-abuse itself. After I wrote Taking Care When Physically Sick, I found out the illness was in fact a direct result of the self-abuse. Getting hurt in this way ushered in a whole new sense of what the consequences really are, a reality that acting out parts had no concept of before. It brought self-abuse parts together with more healthy parts and is causing yet another reordering inside.

I have the sense that this new internal reordering will be what 2011 will be about. I know it will not be painless and I do not know what the months ahead will bring. But I hope the reordering and focus on safety will allow certain aspects of my life to flourish. I expect work and my relationships with my kids and wife will be where new gains will be made.

Already, the new reordering inside is leading me to come face-to-face with how to achieve balance in my life. How can I be successful at work, for example, while practicing good self-care? Or, said more broadly: How can I participate more fully in life and still practice self-care? 2011 will be about finding and maintaining this balance. Whereas 2010 was about acceptance.

Balance partly comes from being in touch with feelings. And this is why I have been proactive lately about getting in touch with feelings as a kid and connecting the past to the present. I have watched movies and television shows and read books which are validating and asked my Mom for old pictures of me as a kid. This is one way I know of to achieve balance. It is more difficult to get lost in a single part of me if I am also reminding myself of feelings. I have to always remember that balance is key now. Yes, I know I am being very proactive. I know I am forcing myself to feel feelings. This is one major aspect of self-care. And this is the one area I know I focused on when I started this new healing path a couple of years ago.

I also know that the sex self-abuse was one way to solve internal problems, even though it was definitely harmful and dysfunctional. I talked with "My Healing Guide" about it not only being about making myself feel worthless. But also about recreating abusive events so that I could come out the other side and prove that I was "not really hurt" and could go on and be functional. I am not sure how much was which. But I do not think it needs to be my job to figure out what the relative weights were. We are all on a new course now.

If part of the self-abuse was to feel worthless, I have to challenge that now and do deeds that heal that way of thinking. If part of it was about control and recreation, I can challenge those by practicing my skills at balancing and validation.

What is important for me to keep in mind is that I know I have skills and a plan in place to help keep my life balanced and safe.

Yes, 2010 was a year of great accomplishment. And I know 2011 will be equally great if not better.

Happy New Year to all of you!