Down and Out and Onward and Upward
I have seen this cycle many times now. But it still fascinates me.
Just days ago I was at a really low low. I was in a place which was highly unusual for me and harkened back to a decade or more ago. Not only was I having thoughts of dying, but I was formulating a plan. While I know I am more healed, I also know that having made two major attempts in the 90s puts me at risk for the rest of my life.
I was also acting impulsively, which is another risk factor. I was liberally medicating myself and not really remembering doing so. It was sort of like being in a dissociative fog. I could see myself grabbing pills and taking them, but I felt merely like an observer.
If I rewind to the holidays, I know I did very well during that time. I was super functional with work chores and also super functional around the family. I was also taking very good care of inside with a high degree of internal acceptance.
But there is always a crash.
I have often wondered if what happens to me is all simply a manic depressive cycle. My doctor assures me that while it looks similar, it is really all dissociatively based. It is less, he says, about chemical changes and more about who is out and what lens I am looking at life through.
So I crashed. Quite suddenly last week, I was unable to carry on with what I was doing at work the prior two weeks. It was literally as if someone else did the work. There was no context for it. I just could not do it. I did not understand it. This built up stress internally because I knew I had deadlines looming. But try as I might, I could not do the work. I ran up against a brick wall.
"My Healing Guide" advised me to allow parts of me to come forward and do the work, but I was already long gone. I was so dissociative. Our two therapy meetings last week were nothing more than a mass of switching personality states. I did not know which was way up.
She also advised me to go back to basics. And that is exactly what I did. I carted out the weighted blanket. I allowed myself to have the stuffed animals at in bed at night. I listened to music. I rested. I cut back on some of my work deadlines. But, even with all of these interventions, I was still switching like a lit brick of firecrackers. This put me in touch with those suicidal and impulsive states. I did not like that.
On Sunday, I was seriously contemplating going into the hospital. Then I got word from "My Healing Guide" that there was a sudden death in her family and she would need to be away for several days. I have never, to my knowledge, experienced such an immediate shift. I felt an enormous amount of empathy for her. But also it was as if the stars inside me aligned. It was as if a reservoir of strength was tapped into.
I, nearly instantly, became present and more whole. It is one of the fascinating aspects of dissociative identities: that our levels of presence, wholeness, acceptance, ability, creativity, are all variables which can fluctuate dramatically over short periods of time. This seems completely logical to me. If we are able to switch from one personality state to another, then we should also be able to move from a place of fragmentation to a place of relative wholeness. Yes, we are familiar with extremes of existence.
That very day, I was finally able to write the work paper and meet my deadline, a task which had alluded me for over a week. I was able to do house chores. I was fundamentally different with my wife and kids. I was totally involved with the kids in their schoolwork and activities. And sources of conflict with my wife rolled off my back because they seemed unimportant. Instead, I met that conflict with tolerance. I understood that my being not well caused stress in her and just accepted that.
So why write now? I could look at where I am at now and say it has only been two days. It just could be a fluctuation. And, yes, perhaps sadly, in the grand scheme of my life it is a fluctuation. I know full well I will find myself someday in that place of despair. I know full well I will someday be switching like a revolving door. But that feels so distant right now. So, incredibly and amazingly distant.
But I believe we must hold onto these moments of strength and wholeness. These are crucial touchstones. These are what we hope to achieve and sustain, so that do not just exist as moments, but extend into huge swaths of time. This is what all the work is all about. This is why we heal.
45 Comments
Leave a new comment
I could really relate to a lot of this - the way you describe watching yourself with the medication but not really registering what you were doing or what ramifications it might have is very familiar. I certainly can relate to the mood swings - the sense that any up means an equal down... and to the fact that having attempted before, I know I'm capable of attempting again.
I love that you were able to return to basics. So often, when I am in that place of despair, the last thing I want to do is anything to help myself. I don't know why that is. Instead, I run around doing all kinds of things in haphazard ways, willing to do almost anything to make the feeling go away - accept for the things which are most likely to work.
I'm glad to have just pulled myself up (a tiny bit) from a similar mood. I am trying, today, which is more than I can say for yesterday or the day before.
Shen, I know this is an "old" post now. But I just realized I never replied to you and I make it a point to reply to every comment. So, sorry. Nothing intentional. I completely understand what you say about sometimes the last thing you want to do when you are in a place of despair is to help yourself. Sometimes I feel like I am literally pushing myself out of bed to be present in the world, when it is the last thing I want to do. I don't always push right away. But I notice the amount of time I stay depressed in bed is not what it used to be. I could stay in a bed for days in the past. Now that doesn't happen. It's a good thing for me, because it was a vicious cycle as well as put a lot of strain on my family. You continually pull yourself up!
That shift is really striking. Hope it is lasting.
Evan, thanks! I would say that I don't expect it to last long just because it never does. But maybe if I measured how long they lasted, I would see that maybe in the present day there is more time in the positive places than the negative ones.
This is very interesting to me Paul. So when we are down, there is an equal up? When our energy is low there is the opposite ability to it? Also, when you say that you know someday you will be switching a lot is that known as a phase in healing? I am just wondering if I can apply these things to me too and if I can expect stuff like this too when I hit that point on my healing journey.
I know when something serious happens to someone I care about I do become very strong and focussed all of a sudden. I am strong, deliberate and take care of the situation like a pro. So weird to me because I can't seem to get this kind of grip for myself. I just feel so powerless lately, like I am moving in slow motion and can't get anything done for myself. It's so strange for me. Like running in place and never getting anywhere.
I really am impressed with where you were when you were so low and then it's like you just snapped out of it? That's really neat.
I am glad you are ok now! Been wondering how your doing. :)
Nansie. I'm not sure it is like this for everyone (equal and opposite reactions or opposing forces as you say). But I do know that when I am in a tough spot, there is an effort inside to try to get out of it. I wouldn't say switching a lot is a known phase in healing. It's simply an exacerbation of classic symptoms of DID. I'm trying to say that there are times when I am more fragmented and times when I am less fragmented and that sometimes the swings are huge and overwhelming. If you are able to become very strong for an outside event, then you are able to do it for yourself, just that you have to give yourself permission to do so. You have to deem yourself worthy enough to do that. That comes from increasing empathy towards yourself, and all of you inside. I would in the past say that it feels like I snapped out of it, yes. But mostly I think there is action happening behind the scenes constantly to try to make that happen. Just doing the basics I of grounding that I was doing is some indication that I was trying. So, it's really not a snap out of it. It's really because of a concerted effort. Do you see what I'm saying?
I do see what you mean. I don't have that kind of awareness for myself yet. But I am working on it. Thanks Paul!
Paul, so sorry to hear about your crash, but pleased about the up-swing.
The last two years I've had a massive - MASSIVE - crash after Christmas. But not this year! :) I'm crediting all the pre-Christmas preparation I did. Not that I'm saying that's the solution for you, just that it was for me.
Take gentle care, and I hope the up-swing continues.
Thanks Kerro. Yes, good of you to have prepared so well this year. This crash could have easily landed me in the hospital. I could have easily done something more drastic to sabotage things. But I think there is more internal agreement and collaboration, and that seems to be what helps me enormously. It validates for me (and for others perhaps) that the goal of healing from severe dissociation is to learn to collaborate inside and be roughly in sync.
I can relate to this too Paul. So glad you are on the upswing. I also find it interesting that you expect these fluctuations in the future - that's some great acceptance there.
Take care,
Dawn
Thanks Dawn. I wrote it at the time because I knew the time was going to be fleeting. Today is not as good as yesterday, but not bad. Acceptance, I think as you say, is really the key.
I really identify with the realignment that occurs when someone you care about, needs you. I do this fairly constantly. I will be a switching mess, then someone comes up with a need, and suddenly there is a pulling together and an appropriate response is found. Sometimes it only lasts for a phone call, or the 10 minutes the person is in front of me; but sometimes it is big enough to cause an response similar to the one you had to your "Healing Guides" bereavement... I'm so sorry for their loss.
I know that at the moment, my response is due to the old patterns of pleasing and taking care of others. But, it's still shows me that it is possible. As you say, I just need to realise that I'm worth that same level of concern.
I'm really glad you are in a safer place. I'm glad you have support around you, and had the option of going to hospital if it was needed. That hospital was an option, shows how much you are aware of your safety levels, and that you do deserve that safety.
It would be interesting to see the pattern that you mention. I know you mentioned that you spent a lot of time in hospital last year, but I wonder if the length of time in the positive spaces, were also different?
Take care,
CG
Hi CG. Sometimes that realignment when someone needs me makes me feel like a fraud. Like makes me feel like it's just a matter of willpower or effort and that generally I don't put enough of that in. But it's really all about dissociative abilities. It's knowing how to put things in their "box" and functioning because you need to. I can't say yet whether doing that really comes at a cost. Maybe this is what ultimately healing from DID is all about. Maybe it's not about integration, per se, but maybe being able to call on abilities when you need to, as opposed to feeling like it's a crap shoot whether you will be functional or not. This is why my therapist has been really making me work at communication (and acceptance). If you can work together more as a team, it makes things easier.
This "dramatic fluctuation" is part of my everyday life. At first I thought it was a rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder and my psychologist hinted at that too. However, I understand now it is not. Within one day I can feel like there is no point to continue to live, I am worth nothing, and I can't manage the emotional pain any longer. I feel I have no future that could be productive, and I am only making the lives of those I love miserable. Death seems to be a win-win solution. Within the SAME day I will find these past thoughts unimaginable.
Two things are immensely lifesaving to me. One is a thumb-tacked piece of paper with words from my therapist: "This is not your reality; the thoughts you are having do not belong to your life anymore, they are eruptions from the past that you have already successfully debated and defeated". The second reminder is my journal where I can look to see the last time I felt so worthless. I hear the same suicidal rhetoric almost word for word. Then I read the next entry and see how I have repeatedly brought myself out either with hard work, or by doing nothing but waiting for time to pass.
Journaling/writing for me allows me to understand all parts of me when I forget why and what on earth I'm doing here. Thank you all.
Hi AnotherSurvivor. This is my experience too. That the swings are enormous. How are we to deal with that? Personally, I think we always experienced these huge swings, just that we weren't so aware of them for so long. With awareness comes the challenge of "staying with" these swings, these extreme fluctuations. That, to address Nansie's question, is a different stage of healing. Thank you for saying that you too have a similar experience.
Paul,
I just wanted to say that I like your statement: "But I believe we must hold onto these moments of strength and wholeness."
Sometimes it's hard to find those moments or remember them, but it's important that we do. :)
Thanks Tai. That is why I wrote the blog post when I was in that space. Because I knew it would not last and I wanted to remember it. If it were put in my private journal it would get lost. Thank you!
CG! Wow!
"I know that at the moment, my response is due to the old patterns of pleasing and taking care of others. But, it's still shows me that it is possible. As you say, I just need to realise that I'm worth that same level of concern".
I couldn't have said it better myself! So true for me too!
Nansie, You should also think about whether the response is also about taking care of yourself. I think often it's easy to say that it's about pleasing others, and I'm not saying that's not a big part of it. But I think we also need to give ourselves credit for what we are doing for us. Knowing that you are worth that same level of concern you show others, would be one of those healing stages you asked about. That is huge.
When others are hurting or struggling or in need it can definitely snap me out of a decompensating spiral. Which is technically good. But for me it's the result of shifting personality states - moving forward the ones who are excellent at empathy and, quite frankly, just don't feel the hurt, pain, and desperation that others in the system feel. The result is that "I" feel much better. Again, that's a good thing, I think. But these days I'm trying to keep in mind that it's not that a problem or feeling has been resolved, it's just been put away, compartmentalized, and, like an anesthetic, the empathy and care parts of my system are so adept at offering others numbs the awareness of pain.
I hope this isn't coming off as me saying these shifts are illusions or false in some way. Because I don't at all believe that. The feelings of strength, wholeness, wellness, whatever - those are just as real and important as the feelings of despair and pain. And I think the stability helps calm hurting system members, which is incredibly valuable.
It's almost like nurturing others nurtures us? I don't know, but I do know I'm glad you're feeling more whole.
Holly, Even for me, it's a result of shifting personality states to do this. The parts of me who were so hurting and contemplating doing something harmful I think "get a break". That's the best way I think I can describe it. I like to use the language along the lines of "they go to a safer place inside". I like to think that when I am feeling better that these hurting parts of me get a some much needed nurturing. I think it's exactly as you say: "nurturing others nurtures us". This is why I have taken the approach of extreme acceptance. Sometimes I rally like this and I'm believing parts don't exist. In that case, it would just be a shift in personality states and there would be no healing of hurting parts. They would just be compartmentalized and shut out. That's not the case. If you can hold onto who you are, all of you, then that makes a difference and leads to healing.
"If you can hold onto who you are, all of you, then that makes a difference and leads to healing."
Ah yes. That is the immense and frustratingly difficult challenge.
Yes, Holly. It's true. But I understand how hard it is to do this. This is why I say when we are able to be in this place of holding onto who we are, that we really use it as a touchstone. Especially if such times are few and far between.
I am sorry you have been having a hard time, but I am so glad that you are feeling stronger and more together now.
I can definitely relate to your post, feeling fine and doing well and then suddenly just not coping. Most of time I can't even explain why the shift.
Eventually I do either slowly climb out of it or something happens that forces me to be able to function again. I found it really interesting that it was needing to be there for someone else that made you instantaneously shift. It is very similar for me - I can pull myself together for someone else, and usually be strong for as long as they need me to however I cannot pull myself together for me.
I agree with some comments here that it could be to do with my own self worth. But I also think there is a difference between pulling ourselves together for others verses doing it for ourselves. I have found that when I have pulled myself together for someone else I am putting aside what ever issues I am currently having so that I can be there for the other person. It all goes in a little box to be dealt with at a later date.
I feel the reason I cannot do that for myself is I would be pushing my own issues to the side and never dealing with them. eventually that would lead to break down (which has happened to me in the past). However when I work through these down points and slowly come out of them I generally have had a lot of healing in that time. I have worked through the emotions and the struggles (even if I never know what caused the down turn in the first place) and while the process is slower; and therefore not as drastic and visible, when I look back I can see that not only have I pulled myself out of the point I have pulled myself a little higher than I was before.
I am really struggling to find the words to really explain what I mean but I hope this makes sense. The other thing I have found is that as I have slowly worked on healing the "ups" seem to last longer and when I do have downs I don't crash nearly as hard as I used to. I am beginning to believe that healing is about getting to the point where you have more "ups" than "downs" and that when we do have downs we have the tools to get through it safely and healthily.
I hope your current up is a long one. I hope that you can continue to have more ups and that they each last longer and soon out weigh the downs.
Take gentle care of yourself,
Your friend :)
Kylie
Thank you Kylie! Thank you for sharing what it's like for you. I think we are saying the same thing. That even though it feels like you are compartmentalizing, it's that the whole experience of pulling yourself out puts you in a better place in the long run. I believe in that.
I'm glad you're doing a little better, though I hope you're able to keep your days moving towards some sense of stability. It's pretty great that you can recognize when you need to go back to the basics and pull out your stuffed animals and weighted blanket, and even more amazing that you can put those plans into motion and actively care for yourself.
When I read this post, minutes after you put it up, I was relieved to see that you were staying out of the hospital and feeling stronger. What really struck me, though, was the bit about your therapist and your suggestion that sometimes we can move FROM fragmentation TO a more whole perspective.
My week has been terrible, and I've felt extraordinarily fragmented - trying to minimize how much this shows on the outside, preserve this idea of myself as a functional person. I'm not sure that I've ever felt that abrupt move towards something better, but your post did remind me that it's possible. Most importantly, that I have felt better in the past, and that I could, theoretically, feel better again.
I know that if I received that news about my therapist, I would immediately and completely fall apart. I would be worried sick, literally, and unable to respond to that worry in any sort of helpful or empathetic way; I'd also start reacting to abandonment and attachment fears. This happened over Christmas (but without the death in my family), and it was the darkest day I've had in years. I'm ashamed of my inability to cope with even a temporary loss of her time and attention.
Anyway, thanks for the reminder that switching can sometimes work in the other direction, towards a place of greater resources and functioning. I hope the rest of your day is peaceful and that tomorrow is better again :)
Best, Laura
Laura, Thanks! I can't believe I wrote that about the stuffed animals! But, okay. It's true. They are one of the sure ways that young parts are soothed. I struggle with it a lot. But I know they work, so I try not to stress too much about it. Everyone is different. As far back as I can remember, I rallied for when others needed me to. But I have to keep in mind that I also almost always fell apart afterwards. I think knowing that will potentially make it easier to stay together. I think that as you heal, you will learn to develop ability to withstand what currently makes you fall apart. "Tolerance" is the word used in DBT. It's something you develop and cultivate over time with practice. I'm sorry the holidays were so hard for you with your therapist being away. You should know that your experience is shared by many others.
Wow, great observation of emotions and what a swing. My T found that when I'm spiraling down, I need mind work, such as when I was in college. As long as I was nearly overloaded with college work, I was able to retain stability and not dissociate so much.
Ivory, Sorry it's taken me so long to write back. I'm woefully disconnected. Yes, I need "mind work". But I feel so unemployed... Where do I get that job? :)
holy cow, paul, what a great post! i'm so happy for you that you were able to come back together and feel better and complete your work project. i think one of the worst things about feeling emotionally unstable is how at the mercy of forces out of our control it can feel. how we can feel miserable and out of control one moment, and then something external happens and helps us feel better. we do have internal resources that we can pull from sometimes. but sometimes we can't reach them, or they don't suffice to help pull us out of the hole we're in. i think no matter what the source of the change though, the important thing for me is to try to always remember that things can get better, even if i can't make them better, to try to know and trust, that tomorrow things might be better. and that helps me in my darkest moments.
and i think it's great you wrote this when you did. because i think sometimes when we're doing well, we're so happy and enjoying it, it's not always an impulse to document the good feelings. so i'm glad you have this now as one more resource.
wishing you well always paul~ sending positive thoughts to you and your loved ones.
Thanks Katie. Since this post, I have fallen apart (well, as I said woefully disconnected) and come together again to accomplish things, and then disconnected again after finishing my work project. I feel like a yo-yo. I'm going to try to reverse this.
Wow Paul...I wondered where you were? You're usually pretty active. I haven't gotten organized enough in my head from the holidays and family crisis to write... but I will at some point. Can you explain more about being disconnected? You have done some real progressive work lately and that's bound to cause a shifting inside for the other parts. Sometimes when I make some progress and the shifting happens it's almost like an earthquake within. After a while the sun comes out inside for a while. I hope the sun comes out for you soon!
Nansie, Thanks for checking in. I'll write soon.
Hi Paul,
I'm sorry you're not doing well. I just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts. Wish I could help.
Tai, Thank you! It has been nice today to catch up with myself and to read around the blogs. While I read your blog posts in Google Reader, I cannot comment because your site is blocked by the filter where I'm at.
I have been wanting to respond to this for a while, but have not had the time to really get my thoughts together.
First, I want to say that I am saddened that you hit that kind of low, but very glad that you are still here to write about it. I think you are wise to recognize that your previous attempts put you more at risk now. Although I have never made an actual attempt, I have gotten to the point of doing research on the how to part of it. With getting that close, I can see how it can effect me today...even with all the healing I have. I have very real reasons for staying around, but even those can seem distant when darkness really closes in. I find I have to fight that battle in a different arena.
You mentioned the high functioning times...followed by crashes. In my own life, I have found times when I really felt good and like all was fairly well with me. Then I would get blindsided. For me, I see two possible reasons for that. (Not saying it is this way with you...just with me.)
One is that I really am doing better. However, doing better for a while can mean that I am now stronger...and healed enough to dig in a bit deeper. So, things start popping up. If I am wise (which I am often not), I will be "prepared" for that next cycle of healing and recognize that it is going to happen...sooner or later.
However, I really WANT to think that I have done enough...that it will be easier from here on out. I WANT to believe the dark dips are behind me. I find it easy to live in "denial".
I will say this, though. As I have progressed, I have more strength and more "tools" and "expertise" in how to deal with the lows when they do hit. For the most part, I don't dip nearly as low...although I sure can "hurt" a whole heck of a lot. But everyone once in a while, I can find myself thinking that I am no better than I was many, many years ago. I "feel" in that moment as if I have not really made any progress at all...that nothing has changed.
You also mention how you shifted when your "Healing Guide" had to leave suddenly. I have experienced that kind of thing, too, when I have lost therapists. For me, it is almost as if I was being put in a position to "prove" just how far I really had come. There was enough healing system-wide that we pulled together and worked through...on our "own". In a way, it was very affirming for me...that I could survive all that I went through while being thousands of miles away from my beloved therapist.
In fact, that is where I was when we moved. I was leaving her behind. I had just found out that I had been impersonated and lied about resulting in some of my friends having been dangerously triggered...and thinking it was me. I was also banned from my main support forum.
Add to that, my main support friend suddenly had huge issues of his own and was not there for me. I am glad that we drove in two vehicles across the country because I literally cried my way through some of that trip.
I share that to say that I made it through. I found a strength I did not know I/we had. I found that, when I really had to, I just pushed through.
Your sharing about allowing some things for yourself...like the stuffed animals in bed at night...brought up some things for me. Not bad things...just sad things...about my situation now and how I feel about it. I am not sure I am ready to write about it, though.
I so agree with you, Paul, that we need to hang onto these moments of strength and wholeness. I am glad that you shared yours.
Take care, my friend. Be prepared for the cycles of healing and know that you CAN make it through!
Thank you OneSurvivor! You put a lot of thought into your comment! Thanks! I used to get blindsided, but now I generally have a ton of past data at my disposal. So, I know what the typical responses are. That helps. It's no fun to be blindsided. Yes, healing happens in cycles. Sometimes I find that I try to force things, and often that doesn't help. I think there's a lot to be said for skills. Sometimes people ridicule them. I don't. They are very tangible and work. I do know that sometimes it's hard to see progress. I know sometimes we feel right back where we used to be. In many ways, that's the nature of dissociation. It's part of what we have to accept. This is why I wrote in this post that we must use the periods of strength and wholeness to help us move through future cycles where we lose sight of that. Thank you for your encouraging words and sharing about your experiences.
I'm here from the carnival at http://margarettidwell.blogspot.com/
to show support to all contributors. This is a wonderful article, with a brilliant message well told. I totally understand the dissociative and fragmented nature of your mood/state. I 'forgot' for five years then began PTSD episodes, like fits when in company of boys as a teenager. To this day flashes of it come, if not flashes then smells or feeling, seemeingly from nowhere. I still now only a little of what happened and feel like I'm telling the story of another little girl when I talk about it. I do have bipolar dissorder and there is a difference between my 'issues' and their influence of my state of being. Thanks for your honesty here, and for supporting the carnival.
Thank you Shah. Sorry it took me so long to respond to your comment... it's been a hectic past week. Thank you for sharing a bit about what your experience has been.
The way you wrote this helps me to understand what goes on inside my sisters mind. She struggles with the shifts of slipping in and out of personality (I don't know what to call it). I can see on her face when the change actually happens.
Even though we were both abused, this is one area I don't struggle with. Yet, being able to hear how this works, it certainly helps me understand where she comes from. I can be of better support to just let be what is and allow a safe space for it.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Heart Works, Thank you for writing. I'm glad if what I wrote helps you understand your sister better. Be well (to both of you).
I am always so moved by the eloquent way you express yourself and tell us about your experiences, Paul. Thank you for sharing with us. I'm so glad that you are going to be hosting THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE next month. You are such a great host! Thanks!
I can relate to what you said about the seeming appearance of manic-depressive cycles. The first time I was hospitalized, in fact, I was diagnosed as bipolar and put on Prozac and Lithium.
The next time I was hospitalized, at the same hospital, the head of psychiatry there who had given me my first diagnosis, actually rescinded it. He said that my shifts were not cyclical (they are not) they were situational (indeed, they are). Almost a full 20 years later now, I have my dissociative disorder diagnosis and I know I have a part named JoAnn, who I call "The Professional." She is all business and high energy. She presents as very manic.
Marj, You are too kind. Thank you. It's really hard to accept that what may appear like one thing (manic for example), actually has roots as something else (being split). In my opinion, it's important to know that because then it makes it a bit easier to go through.
I find those moments of strength and wholeness to be precious. Even when they are short...even though it seems they always end at some point, they give me hope.
Thank you for submitting this to the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.
Thank you Tracie. It is all about hope after all, isn't it?