February 2011 Archives

Welcome to the February 26, 2011 edition of Carnival Against Child Abuse.

Here are the submissions for this month, and while we have a section for the theme made in the announcement, you will see that many others in different categories also speak to the theme of "truth."

Truth Theme Submissions

Castorgirl from "Scattered Pieces" presents My Truth. She wrote: "I was hoping for a non-controversial post, but apparently not possible. Here it is anyway. It's for the theme section. It was meant to be a post to help me to believe in my reactions, and move away from the need to analyse a diagnosis or autobiographical memory." This is a great post because the art image shows the dual realities of how we can appear "normal" to others, but inside the reality can be quite the opposite. And the text explores many common controversies.

Katie from "Sharing our Spaces" presents Truth. Katie made a wonderful statement about truth here, and as I said on her blog, I identified with what she wrote in that "truth" is not some static entity that represents, say, historical record. It represents more about who we are and that is constantly changing.

Astrid from "Astrid's Journal" presents My Truth on Dissociation and Childhood Trauma. Astrid brought up many of the core issues associated with memory and DID, for example exaggeration of trauma effects and the validity of DID. Her statement at the end that children who experience trauma are constantly being taught that their experiences are not trauma (i.e., that their truth is a lie) is one of the most troubling aspects of healing as an adult. When we get these messages as an adult, it only serves to reinforce those old invalidating experiences. Somewhere along the line we have to break the cycle.

Puzzled Hat from "All the King's Horses" presents It's Not My Fault. Puzzled Hat shares with us a music video "Fragile" by Ten Shekel Shirt that's been circulating around that addresses the effects of child abuse.

Paul from "Mind Parts" presents Multiplicity and Truth. I have talked about many of the issues related to the validity of dissociated identities and memories in the past. But, for me, this piece has really been an evolution that I never would have been able to write at any time in the past. It is interesting that I wrote this in the midst of a breakdown. And, actually, I ended up for a brief time in the hospital in part because of conflicting reactions I had to it. Regardless of those reactions, what I wrote here still represents my truth and my job is to hold onto that.

Art Submissions

Paul from "Mind Parts" presents Expressive Arts Carnival No. 8: Your Truth. The Expressive Arts Carnival is a monthly event and is open to all survivors. Our next Carnival activity will be posted March 1 at Expressive Arts Carnival or email paul@mindparts.org to be added to our anonymous mailing list for announcements and occasional discussions.

Healing Submissions

Katie from "Sharing our Spaces" presents Remembering. Through an exploration of an anniversary, Katie is able to explore her truth and grief by trusting herself.

Shen from "Reunited Selves" presents Smoother Ground. Shen shares with us how she started on her healing journey that I am sure many can relate to, and how her journey has led her to a much better place.

Hope from "A Hope for Trauma" presents Just Keep Swimming. Echoing the comment I made on her blog, to be able to say to ourselves "just keep swimming" is a powerful statement of perseverance. I think it is also acknowledge how important it is to share experiences with people we trust face-to-face. I am not saying that the online blogging community is not helpful, but rather that having real life connections are an important supplement.

Advocacy & Awareness

SwordDanceWarrior from "May We Dance On Their Graves" presents Car Crash - or what PTSD is like - novel. She wrote: "A lot of people have told me that this post really captures what having PTSD is like." SwordDanceWarrior shares some excerpts from a novel she is writing. It is a difficult read but she relates experiences of accidental trauma in vivid detail and contrasts it with experiences of child trauma. She explores process, pain, and truths.

Sarah from "Cult of Deception" presents A Struggle. She wrote: "I've learned... the best revenge is to live my best life." Sarah shares here what many survivors understand too well; that we are so determined not to recreate abuses and hurt others, but instead turn them onto ourselves. In the process, she finds her truth and healing.

Poetry

Rick Belden from "Poetry, Dreams, and the Body" presents Poetry on Video: "Body Memory". He wrote: "This is a video reading of my poem "body memory" with background and commentary." It is a very interesting use of video and audio to share expression. I admire him for doing this, and it gives me some things to think about in terms of how I may want to evolve in how I share my experiences. Be sure to check out the rest of his blog for many more poems and a link to his book "Iron Man Family Outing."

Tracie from "From Tracie" presents One the Verge. She wrote: "I find it much easier to share the truth of my childhood, the truth of feelings long ago felt... than it is to share the truth of what I feel in the moment. Recently, I allowed myself to type exactly what I was feeling and hit publish. Without second guessing my feelings or the truths behind them. It was very freeing." Tracie's poem shares some difficult feelings. I find it courageous when survivors share feelings in the moment. This was a very deliberate effort and I often find when I do pieces like this that they are freeing just like Tracie said it was for her.

Shen from "Reunited Selves" presents Invitation. Shen shares a poem of acknowledgement in the context of having been recently struggling with memories.

Aftermath

Patricia from "Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker" presents Anger, Fear, Sadness And Hurt - How They Interact - Part 1. She wrote: "This post is about a big ah-ha moment about the interaction of feelings and messages learned from being abused as a child." Patricia shares with us some of her thoughts on a post she read on another blog.

Patricia from "Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker" presents Anger, Fear, Sadness And Hurt - How They Interact - Part 2. In this second part, Patricia shares additional comments from reading another blog post.

Hope from "A Hope for Trauma" presents Styles. Hope contrasts her traumatic and chaotic experiences with some others she sees as supportive. It scares her to be a parent, wondering if she will break the cycle.

Survivor Stories

Clinically Clueless from the self-titled blog presents Hidden Pieces, Sexual Abuse,The Beginning. She wrote: "As I read this post in selecting what to use, I know that it is true, but I still can't integrate this... it really wasn't that bad. Denial!!" Clinically Clueless shares some traumatic explicit memories and I cannot help but feel empathic towards her. Yet I know that minimizing and denial is such a common way we cope. I hope some day she will be able to integrate what happened and gain healing.

Shen from "Reunited Selves" presents The Twelve Year Old. Shen shares a tragic story of her as a 12 year old on a road trip with her dysfunctional family that turned bad.

Shen from "Reunited Selves" presents An Eight-Year-Old's Perspective. Shen shares another story from her dysfunctional family as an 8 year child.

That's all folks! Thank you all for the honor of hosting this month's Carnival and for your wonderful submissions. You are all truly inspirational.

Welcome to the February 2011 edition of the Expressive Arts Carnival. This month's theme, see announcement, was to "create an image of your truth."

It is my policy to not comment on art in the Carnival itself, as I feel as though it is not my place to put words to others' art, especially healing art. This is why it is the words of the artists themselves talking about their entries. But certainly if discussions ensue in the comments, I am happy to talk about the art in any way that's appropriate and encourage others to do so.

Here are the entries in the order received. As usual, if there is a blog post with more details, the artist's name will have a link to it.

Entry 1: Kerro

Kerro wrote: "This is the place I went to when my life started 'falling apart'. It's the place where I started uncovering my 'truth' - peeling back the layers on my onion of abuse. It's also the place where I started discovering who I am, and the place where I started healing. I love this place because of its physical beauty, but also because of what it represents to me. It is my spiritual home."

Entry 2: Katie

Katie wrote: "The images I chose to make this collage represent truth for me in a number of ways. How scary it can be to speak the truth. The power of writing. Connecting with the truth as an ongoing process. My tendency towards black and white thinking and my need to step back and see the bigger picture. The truth in my dreams. The importance of emotional truth and confronting pain. The light that each of us has to share in this world, and the power of each person to survive and even flourish no matter our circumstances. Finally, I thought that it would be most truthful of me to choose an actual photo from my life to incorporate in this piece, so the central photo is one I took of an Oklahoma road. As driving along the country roads is something that brings me peace and helps me feel connected."

Entry 3: Castorgirl

Castorgirl titled this piece "What's my Truth?" and wrote: "The upper part of the collage represents how each of us is inundated with messages about what is true from those around us.  It can feel like you're being buffeted in a storm.  The reflected picture underneath represents what is possible when we can hold onto our truth.  The figure isn't happy, but there is a sense of reality about her reactions.  What is the truth?  I still don't know.  But it doesn't come from the external messages, it comes from within."

Entry 4: Kylie

Kylie wrote: "Truth is largely influenced by perspective, it's probably why two eye-witnesses will never give the exact same story. Each person sees things a little differently. The way a person is feeling a the time can change it too."

Entry 5: Tracy

Tracy wrote: "The DID Awareness Ribbon that came about through an online group Paul was involved in a couple years ago means a lot to me.  The pieces are patchworked together.  I see this as my parts eventually joining together and having communication amongst themselves.  When I was facing the prospect of losing my therapist, I used the ribbon as the inspiration for a quilt.  The statement I gave my therapist was, "The DID Awareness Ribbon Quilt.  Up close it's rough, raw edges doesn't look all that good.  From a distance, it looks much better.  A person with DID is like the quilt, seems fine to outsiders, but the closer you get to that person, the more you see their struggles and difficulties."  My truth is that others can't see or appreciate the depth of my struggles.  Those close to me only see the tip of the iceberg.  A few of my parts really enjoy sewing.   Making the quilt, my first, was cathartic.  I could see that I would get to the point of communication.  That each part overlapped others and that really all my parts were, deep down, connected in some way.  I am working to learn how all my parts relate to me and how we are all connected."

Entry 6: Thesamesky

Thesamesky wrote: "I wasn't going to enter anything this time round because I wasn't sure that I could come up with anything on truth, but when you sent a reminder I thought about the piece I did just recently and I suppose in a way it is portraying my truth because it is about beginning to take hold of a new position, believing that I'm good enough and relating differently to others (my therapist in particular)."

Entry 7: OneSurvivor

OneSurvivor wrote: "My Truth 1 (I did this first) and My Truth 2 (I did this second). I am not sure how to explain them. It is what came to mind as I thought about my life. I know there is significance to the colors, but, right now... it feels very private... like something I need to hold in my heart for a while."

Entry 8: Paul

I wrote: "This is about people helping me as well as me helping others and myself. The truth part of it is that 'I'm good'."

Entry 9: Kathleen

Kathleen titled this piece "Violations of Truth" and wrote: "In this piece I was thinking about violations of truth-political truths social truths personal truths; I immediately thought about the phrase 'the elephant in the room' that is so large and no one at all is willing to acknowledge it.  There were so many people willing to actively look away and denouce my truth about violations against me even when it was so actively and publically displayed. It is so sad/painful for me personally and yet so pervasive across cultures and time and played out on grand stages in front of masses of people. I am now more equipped to hold my own truth and even my adolecent parts are learning to do the same."

Entry 10: Wantstorun

Wantstorun wrote: "The jumbled letters of truth represent how the concept of 'truth' is confusing to me; I have many questions surrounding truth.  But 'hurt' is spelled out from the mixed up letters of hidden 'truth.'"

Entry 12: ClinicallyClueless

ClinicallyClueless submitted a YouTube video and wrote: "This is a pictorial personal description of the truth of my childhood of abuse and trauma. I have been and am currently in therapy to address these issues. If you work hard in therapy, find a good match and don't give up, you can get better. Hang in there. Thank you for viewing my slideshow. Christian music is added as I have always, no matter what felt God's hand on my life."

That's all folks! Thanks to all those who contributed. If you think this Carnival is worthwhile, then let others know about it and we can continue to increase the contributors for future months.

There has been a debate for at least two decades concerning the diagnostic validity of the dissociative disorders, in particular dissociative identity disorder (DID).  Anyone who struggles with DID has seen this, probably firsthand. On its face it is not hard to appreciate why there is such controversy. Some just dismiss the disorder outright because far out experiences like having such widely varying personality states (often with their own names even) seems implausible.  For others, they believe it is either therapist misleading or patient collusion to exaggerate symptoms much like an actor is required to perform for a scene, and there is some historical evidence of this.  Many talk about the validity of the experiences, sometimes referred to as the "Swiss cheese" of consciousness, but believe they should be subsumed under other diagnoses.   

I talked about this subject a year ago in Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Real? I want to come back to it today.

While I talk about dissociative identity disorder fairly regularly here, I do not generally like to treat it so separately from other forms of dissociation.  That is not to say that I do not think DID is not a valid diagnosis. I absolutely do. For one, I think much of what those of us with DID have to contend with is similar (though on a different scale) to what many others have to contend with.  I think many appreciate that dissociation-like experiences are widespread in the world, if we include things like avoiding difficult situations or being disconnected from our families or not being aware of what we are doing. Of course, most people's experiences do not rise to the level of being diagnosable dissociative disorders.  There are billions of people who seek more awareness and deeper connections in their lives, which at its core, is what healing from DID is all about. And, while dissociative identity disorder is usually singled out, those who are recovering from childhood sexual abuse and have been diagnosed DD-NOS, PTSD, Complex PTSD, Borderline, or nothing at all also have a challenge to find more wholeness in their lives and heal dissociative tendencies.  So, I always try to use language that applies broadly. This is the main reason why I often avoid much of the parlance of the disorder, even though I completely accept the validity of the disorder.

Because DID is an elaboration of what all people experience, this leads to a bit of a "Catch 22." It is a problem because this is the argument many detractors use.  But it is also an advantage. Personally, I want to struggle with something that, on a fundamental level, is normal to the human condition. That gives me hope for healing. If DID, and other dissociative disorders, are on a continuum, then I do see healing as finding a way to move down the ladder of that continuum. For me, that makes it all much more manageable. Yes, there are many times when I feel utterly not normal. When I am at my most fragmented. When I have bitter wars inside. When "I" do unsafe things that I would not possibly agree to in any rationale or grounded state.

If we focus on the messages that detractors use, there are usually two outcomes: becoming defensive and succumbing to denial. For me, I find that I start with the former and end up in the latter. But this is dangerous ground. Becoming defensive tends to push one towards a rigid stance that does not appreciate "both sides" or seek a middle ground. And denial can be hugely destabilizing. While some denial is part of the natural healing process, it is not part of the overall solution. I know that firsthand. For several years, I fled therapy, appeared well, disavowed parts and pretended it all did not exist. But I also know that during that time I was not paying attention to what was happening in secret.  There was an upside: I ended up quite functional in certain very public areas of my life. But, that came at a severe cost, as I was quite dysfunctional in other areas. For me, that "position" did not stick. It was not in line with what I needed to do for healing. For some people, and I am one of them, multiplicity is very real and part of the fabric of who we are.

I now know I need to have acceptance for the "multiple" way my mind works, though I struggle with this a great deal. This acceptance has helped me change; to be more whole and heal. The goal of good therapy for dissociative disorders is to become more whole. Period. To move from what is more like "Swiss cheese" to what is more like "American cheese." The route is through increase in awareness, which is proportionally difficult to how elaborate the dissociative walls are.

Another issue that is often brought up in any discussion concerning perspectives on multiplicity is Sybil. Sybil defined late 20th century multiplicity. But dissociation is experienced on a continuum. It was a mistake for many therapists in the 80s and 90s to think that everyone was in the Sybil mold. There is vast understanding of a continuum of experience now. Good treatment now does not involve abreaction, regression and purging of memories. That was a lesson learned a long time ago. But rather it is to promote a more whole way of living that holds one's self accountable for actions and teaches grounding and other techniques to quell what are very real, and sometimes extreme, internal conflicts and disparate views of self.  And as far as memories go, good treatment does not make them a focus but does not shy away from them when they become an issue. Good treatment works towards containment so that survivors can deal with issues of the past while also learning to navigate through life in the present.

While therapists have a responsibility in the treatment of dissociative disorders, survivors clearly do also. I firmly believe this. Anyone who uses their multiplicity as a means of scapegoating behavior, or puts their whole life in the identity of a multiple, or only identifies as a victim, is putting up an enormous barrier to their own healing and doing themselves a disservice. Survivors (and therapists) need to know there are no guidelines for being multiple. It is recognized that multiple systems are very different for different people.  People with DID (or any dissociative disorder) should not be pushed, by themselves or others, into a belief system that says you have to have X parts, or have this level of trauma, or that you have to have these types of parts, and they have to behave in this sort of way, etc. In other words, we must be driven by our internal truth and not by external pressures.

I believe that if we are guided by truth, we will achieve more clarity. I have found that I have fewer internal conflicts, I am more whole, I am more functional in the world, I am able to feel more, etc., when I accept what I know to be a reality of how things are inside. That is another way of saying I accept my truth.  When I do not accept what is real for me then nothings fits together.  The bottom line is that everyone has to come to terms with what their reality and their truth is. That acceptance should be respected by others. And that acceptance is the basis for change, growth, and healing.  

I will expound upon the subject of truth that I brought up at the end of this post in a subsequent post. Truth is the theme for both the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse and the Expressive Arts Carnival this month, both hosted here. I welcome writers and artists to submit to both as I think truth is a crucial topic that can benefit from several different perspectives.

I have been making efforts to reconnect inside, but mostly it feels as though I am swimming upstream against a heavy current. At least what little I have been writing here the last couple months or so about myself has been consistent, see My Self Portrait and Down and Out and Onward and Upward. And so, the cycle continues.

While I have been still struggling with disconnection, I have also been pushing ahead to be functional in my life. I have been meeting work and family obligations, plus removing lots of snow! As I consider why I have not "had a breakdown" and landed in the hospital, I keep concluding that it is because I have been able to stay safe.

Safety seems to be the linchpin. And that is probably as it should be. There is a bit of comfort that comes from the knowledge that if I can keep myself safe, I will be able to forge ahead. It does not mean that in the short term life will be pretty or that I will be happy. It just means I will be able to get by, and hold onto hope that I will be able to eventually do the work I need to do in order to reconnect inside.

I have become painfully aware that being connected inside does not come naturally for me. It requires a good deal of time and effort; more than what I am putting in now. I could complain or moan about it, but I won't. I will accept it. And just work harder.

The video here was made using Google SearchStories. They are super simple to make. This is a snapshot of where I was last week.

I am pleased to host this month's Carnival Against Child Abuse.

This month's theme:

Submissions are due by Thursday, February 24th and I will publish on Saturday, February 26th.

Submit an article at: Blog Carnival Submissions

Why a theme? There are a lot of blogs and it's hard to keep up with all that we want to. Many have different takes on the same issue. So, it's nice to bring them all together. Think of it like a mini-magazine with a special topic.

Don't have an article related to the theme? That's okay. Because like any good magazine, there are other articles too! On the submission page you will be asked to pick a category of: Advocacy & Awareness; Aftermath; Art Therapy; Healing & Therapy; In the News; Poetry; or Survivor Stories. Also, your blog itself does not need to be about child abuse, just the post you are submitting.

If you are going to submit to the "Art Therapy" category using the theme of "your truth," I ask that you consider submitting it to the other Carnival I am hosting this month, Expressive Arts Carnival Activity No. 8. This month, I will be publishing both Carnivals separated only by a couple days, and they share the same theme.

You can feel free to submit older articles as there is no restriction on them needing to be new. In fact, sometimes it is nice to get reacquainted with what has come before. And you can submit more than one article.

I hope you submit an article (or two)! The blogging community has a lot to contribute on the subject of child abuse and healing. Let your voice be heard.

Again, to submit an article, click to: Blog Carnival Submissions

If you have any questions, feel free to email me at paul@mindparts.org or add a comment to this post.

Welcome to Activity No. 8 of the Expressive Arts Carnival. Thank you to all who participate and a special welcome if you are new!

This month's theme:

Entries are due by February 21, 2011. All entries must be made by e-mail.

You may also wish to send me a link to a page hosted on your own site (or blog), if you have one. It is important to repeat that nobody is required to have a blog in order to participate.

The Carnival will be published on the afternoon of February 22, 2011.

To submit an entry use this link to e-mail: paul@mindparts.org

Please use "EXPRESSIVE ARTS" in the subject heading to help me keep track of submissions. Every submission will receive an acknowledgement of receipt. If you do not receive one within a day or two, then please follow up with me.

If you have questions or need clarifications, direct them to me by e-mail or ask in the comments here.