Who Am I?
I have been making efforts to reconnect inside, but mostly it feels as though I am swimming upstream against a heavy current. At least what little I have been writing here the last couple months or so about myself has been consistent, see My Self Portrait and Down and Out and Onward and Upward. And so, the cycle continues.
While I have been still struggling with disconnection, I have also been pushing ahead to be functional in my life. I have been meeting work and family obligations, plus removing lots of snow! As I consider why I have not "had a breakdown" and landed in the hospital, I keep concluding that it is because I have been able to stay safe.
Safety seems to be the linchpin. And that is probably as it should be. There is a bit of comfort that comes from the knowledge that if I can keep myself safe, I will be able to forge ahead. It does not mean that in the short term life will be pretty or that I will be happy. It just means I will be able to get by, and hold onto hope that I will be able to eventually do the work I need to do in order to reconnect inside.
I have become painfully aware that being connected inside does not come naturally for me. It requires a good deal of time and effort; more than what I am putting in now. I could complain or moan about it, but I won't. I will accept it. And just work harder.
The video here was made using Google SearchStories. They are super simple to make. This is a snapshot of where I was last week.
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I appreciate this video Paul :) It shows you have a sense of humor too. It's great that you keep on working on being more connected.
Yeah, Tai, a bit of a quirky sense of humor. But I think it provides a bit of an outlet.
Great to hear that you are staying safe Paul.
Thank you Evan. The longer I pay attention I seem to be able to amass more and more data, and staying safe really does seem to be a key factor in keeping it together.
I think the video was a lot of fun - nicely done!
I am so happy that you are keeping safe, that can be hard when things are feeling disconnected and life isn't feeling pretty. The fact that you are managing to keep safe, keep up with family and work obligations and still working on feeling more connected is something you should really be proud of.
Take gentle care of you,
From Kylie
Thanks Kylie. I think not staying safe is a tipping point. Once that happens, my (and I assume others) chances of keeping things together is drastically reduced.
Hang in there Paul. Good to see and hear from you again. I have been wondering how you were. Glad to hear your holding your own and making it through. I know just where you've been with all this snow... crazy isn't it? Even though I hear frustration in your writing I also hear commitment and strength! Take care!
Thanks Nansie. I just haven't been in a space to write here lately. But I am really trying to make time for healing/grounding things because I know how important they are.
I understand your difficulty with being connected as it does not come naturally for me either. It's amazing what all we manage to accomplish while being disconnected. What is important is that you have kept yourself safe. You should take pride in that. I'm glad that you won't give up and will continue to work at it. I guess I should be doing the same.
Take care,
Mareeya
P.S.
I love the video! Your quirky sense of humor is great!
Thanks Mareeya. As luck would have it, well it's not luck, the disconnection went away for a while yesterday. Like a tidal shift over a short amount of time. Now things are in flux. At least I'm not stuck anymore. Thanks for the kind comments.
"There is a bit of comfort that comes from the knowledge that if I can keep myself safe, I will be able to forge ahead. It does not mean that in the short term life will be pretty or that I will be happy. It just means I will be able to get by, and hold onto hope that I will be able to eventually do the work I need to do in order to reconnect inside."
I like this. It's realistic. I think we Americans tend to believe we should be happy, like, all the time. And that if we're not, why, we're doing something wrong. And I couldn't disagree more.
I'm really glad to hear you're staying safe.
Thank you Holly. Yes, so much more is possible when we keep ourselves safe. For me, it's less about being happy and more about being connected. I cannot really stay disconnected. But it's also true that becoming connected doesn't make you necessarily happy either, especially when being able to do that can put you in touch with some awful feelings. But, for me, awful feelings are much better than having no access.
Interesting that your post is about connection, yet your video highlights the disconnect. Connection is emotional; yet the video is factual, your role in the family and your physical place in the world... all cleverly hidden behind your humour and intelligence.
I hope I haven't offended, but I found the disconnect interesting... maybe I'm reading it wrong.
I'm so glad you've maintained safety, so very glad. Another step on the way towards internal and external connections...
Take care,
CG
Castorgirl. I'm not surprised you were able to see this. The video was made a week prior to the post. It truly was a snapshot of where I was at, all fact-based doing things. Making the video, thanks to you for telling me about it, helped me realize the disconnected place I was in. So, that's why I wrote about connection. I didn't write that I had found it. I wrote only that I was making an effort to have more. And, yes, that it's all about feelings. It's not surprising that what has helped me enormously to get more access to feelings has been my children (and being alone with them this weekend while my wife is away). Amazing how this has worked!
The video is way cool! It does show the "struggle", tho. Being connected is not as easy as most people would think. I'm reminded of how little connection I allow myself with others, when I'm with my daughter; I'm very connected to her.
That's great Ivory, that you can be connected to your daughter. That's probably the next most important person to be connected to other, than ourselves.
Neat video. It would make sense that, when safety is a key focus, everything else would take a back seat. Staying safe can take huge amounts of energy. I see you making progress. :-)
Thanks OneSurvivor. You should take a look at doing one. They are so easy.