March 2011 Archives

Welcome to the March 2011 edition of the Expressive Arts Carnival. This month's theme, see announcement, was to "write your memoir in six words."

It is my policy to not comment on art in the Carnival itself. This is why we have the words of the artists themselves, if they choose, talking about their entries. But certainly if discussions ensue in the comments, I am happy to talk about the art in any way that's appropriate and encourage others to do so.

Here are the entries in the order received. If there is a blog or a post with more details, the artist's name will have a link to it.

Entry 1: Tai

Entry 2: ClinicallyClueless

Entry 3: Shen

Entry 4: Kathleen

Kathleen wrote: "My six words were chosen quite spontaneously and without edit. I was thinking of things that have 'gotten me through.'  They are things that I consistently rely on to make my way through my days, weeks, months when so often I feel a sense of overwhelming chaos inside. I am proud of these things. These words are empowered and empower me. I came to language late in life and hated words at first. Now I find comfort in seeing written words of power and hope. I like to see singular words-with no context. That is sometimes when I feel they are at their most powerful; hold the most potential and flexibility."

Entry 5: Ivory

Ivory wrote: "I have climbed many emotional hills, only to crash to the bottom of a devastating valley. I believe, though, that as I'm working on issues and learning coping skills, the speed bumps and valleys are beginning to level out!"

Entry 6: Sanity is Knocking

Entry 7: Tales of a Crazy Psych Major

Entry 8: Kerro

Entry 9: Kylie

Kylie wrote: "I think this came to me partly out of the frustration of how much the past influences my life now. But it is also a huge statement of how far I have come, at least to me. For me, this image as well as the statement holds so much hope."

Entry 10: Wantstorun

Entry 11: OneSurvivor

Entry 12: Manymes

Entry 13: Tracie

Entry 14: Beth

Entry 15: Paul

Entry 16: Castorgirl

Castorgirl wrote: "The first half of the sentence describes how the expectations, needs and wants of others, defined me for so long that I seemed to get lost, and become almost like a puppet. These are indicators of my abusive past, and I'm still very much under their influence; therefore the words representing that past are so dominant. But I'm now starting to redefine the distorted self image; even though that redefinition is feeling a little shaky and unsure - as can be seen by the smaller second half of the sentence."

That's all folks! Thanks to all those who contributed, especially those of you who are new. Thanks for taking a chance! If you think this Carnival is worthwhile, then let others know about it and we can continue to increase the contributors for future months.

I was planning on simply including my contribution within this month's Expressive Arts Carnival and I was going to publish it today. But I am going to hold off a couple days on the carnival and instead talk about my "memoir."

Off and on for the past month, I thought about what my six words would be. Then, in one moment of internal understanding, it came to me. This past month or two has been mainly about "living my life," so I was sure that was going to be my main statement.

The questions are, for me: What living my life means? And what is the route to accomplishing it?

Over the past three years that I have been on a new healing trajectory, I have amassed a collection of healing words that have been significant to me. And these number many more than six! These appeared in my Contract of over a year ago and I have used many of them as touchstones to keep me on the path. When I fall off the path, those words (and what they mean to me) are there. And I think this is how I have learned to develop some measure of resilience, strength, hope and achieved a good deal of healing.

Before 2008, my one word touchstone was basically "think." It worked some times, but it had severe limitations. Most everything having to do with feeling was kept separate. It was not a healing configuration.

In 2008, I had one word that was my touchstone: "Breathe." It was a start of a new direction.

In 2009, I had a mantra: "Relax, Breathe, Feel, Accept, Listen, Choose, Allow."

In 2010, I started adding to this mantra such words as: "Love", "Heal", "Safety", "Trust", "Responsibility", "Live." All are important and all have been explored in various ways.

In 2011, I went back to a single theme: "Balance." Balance is hard for anyone to achieve, yet is crucial to those of us who have had chaotic lives and struggle to heal the aftermath of abuse. Dissociation and post-traumatic symptoms are not very compatible with balance. So, for many of us, balance is an extremely uphill climb.

Before I started working on balance so directly, I learned that one cannot have any chance of achieving even some unless there is acceptance. While I have luckily never been an alcoholic, I have admired Alcoholics Anonymous' incorporation of The Serenity Prayer. This quote (from the AA "Big Book" p. 449) is particularly helpful to me:

For so many years, I had tried the solution of willing parts of me away. For so long I had tried the solution of willing my abusive past away. I failed to realize that lack of acceptance was an enormous obstacle to my healing. I failed to realize that acceptance of the past and present can lead to positive change in the future. That was a huge concept for me.

My sixth word could have been "change," but I decided to make it "evolve." Change can either be positive or negative. Evolving is about growth and I try not to pay attention that evolution is about "survival of the fittest!" Instead, I try to think of evolving as incorporating past knowledge so one can gain wisdom and insight. I fully remember nearly three years ago when "My Healing Guide" said that healing could mean that parts of me could evolve. At the time, I scoffed at her. Oh, how things are different now.

And, so you have it. My six-word memoir:

If you have been holding off on submitting to this month's Expressive Arts Carnival, there are now a couple days extended to the deadline. I will publish it on Sunday late afternoon.

This is the point at which this blog takes a decidedly personal turn. I am probably going to start writing about things that are more about my day-to-day life, though I will always try to tie it into a broader picture on healing.

The last four weeks have gone like this: I had an enormous trigger in the middle of February. I handled it well initially, but it eventually led to an internal breakdown and huge disconnect internally. I landed up in the hospital and truly thought I was set back two decades ago. I was certain it was going to take a long time to turn things around and would need to cancel my obligations for the next several weeks. But, I am not in the same place I was two decades ago, one decade ago, or even a year ago. I was able to turn the disconnect that was incapacitating into a total connect that propelled me forward in just a couple days. I learned that my "resilience" is probably here to stay. And that knowledge gave me confidence.

I did not have to cancel any of my obligations. After I got out of the hospital, I had to prepare for a big elementary school "lip sync" show I was co-leading for the following weekend. That went super well. All 150 kids loved it. They got a taste of being on a real stage with real sound, lights, props and costumes. I dressed up as the school mascot, a "penguin" and danced a final act before all the kids came up on stage and we closed out the show with the traditional "Cotten Eyed Joe" dance. I had enormous satisfaction for having a big role in making it happen.

The following week, I had to meet a work deadline of a large research proposal that had been in discussion and preparation for many months. It was a single-spaced 15 page main narrative document with a whole host of ancillary materials. I was not happy with the quality of the main narrative initially, but I had some people contributing pieces to it, and eventually I was able to pull it all together and submit something I was proud of.

Traditionally, there have been total collapses after these work proposals. I have done many dozens of them over the years, but relatively few over the past several years. Even with the last one that was due middle of January, I had a decent sized collapse and I only wrote one part of the proposal. But I did not collapse this time. Instead, the next day I went to the championship swim meet for my youngest daughter and photographed the whole event.

There was definitely a worry of collapse after that. I struggled quite a bit the beginning part of last week, and last Tuesday I started to write a post titled "System Disconnect" but did not get very far as I was too mired in difficulty. I found myself run down. I cancelled my therapy appointment and some other obligations.

But if I had to describe what it felt like, it was as if there was a little something extra in my "tank" that I could call upon. In the not-too-distant past, I could easily find myself in bed for days, unable to do practically anything. Instead, by Wednesday I was back on schedule. Thursday was St. Patrick's Day and I photographed a town event. Friday I went to work and attended a big evening social function for work. Saturday I cleaned the house and then went to my youngest daughter's swim banquet where she won a trophy for "Most Improved Swimmer" for her age group. Sunday I was out hiking with the kids most of the day (while my wife was in bed sick with a flu). Monday I spent most of the day volunteering in our town's elementary school (more on this in another post). Tuesday, today, I was at work by 6AM and was busy until I left for therapy at 4PM.

So, what is the problem? Well, on one level there really is no problem. I know that on one level, probably to the outside observer, it looks like everything has been very smooth. I have been navigating everything perfectly. My wife is the happiest she has been with me in a long time, because I have been very engaged with the family for a long time now and my engagement is only increasing with time. To me, on one level it feels like things are also very smooth.

But what I do not quite understand is why I am not at all connected to the past week or two or more. It feels like the proposal was a lifetime ago (or really didn't happen). It feels like all the stuff at the end of last week and this weekend was a lifetime ago too, even though I can recount the days and everything. Being able to recount the events though doesn't feel so natural. If never pressed, I would have no need to recount them. But, yet, they are all on my electronic calendar. And they are in email records. And they are in my journal. All of those things I did not have a few years ago or even a decade or two ago (at least in this way and so accessible). All are tools I have now that seem to help me in so many ways.

The last week or so has not just been about "doing things." I know that there has been a really unusual quality to my piano playing that is a step or two or three beyond where I normally am at even when I am playing really well. There have been expressions about religion and Easter and possibly going back to the church that I went back to for the first time last year with "My Healing Guide." I seem to know exactly what to say to my kids, without really getting irritated with them. I have even been more open about what I struggle with, telling certain people some things that seem to naturally come up in conversation, but saying just enough that feels safe and appropriate. So, if I were just "disconnected", none of these would be possible. So, it is not the normal disconnection which leads to problems with safety and lands me in the hospital.

The reality is that life has not really been so smooth. "My Healing Guide" brought up her assessment that my ability to tolerate distress is high. And if I think about it, I know that in between all this wonderful "functionality," there have been some huge panics. I know after my proposal was done a week and a half ago, there was a huge conflict about getting home safely and I actually needed help to get home. I know there has been a lot of pain and that I have not taken heavy duty pain pills, but instead Tylenol and Advil.

So what I do not quite understand is how there can be so much connection and flow that must require most all parts of me. Yet there is a huge degree of disconnection (for me).

After spending time in therapy today, then writing about all of this in my journal, then writing about it here, there actually does not seem to be that much disconnect anymore. So, maybe all that I need to do is allow myself to "live" (which is what I have been doing) but merely stop now and again to assess where I am at and maintain perspective.

There is a foundation for why things are the way they are now. I wrote about it in my journal in the beginning of March. Since this post is long enough, I will follow this up soon, which I think it will put this current perspective into an even larger perspective.

Welcome to Activity No. 9 of the Expressive Arts Carnival for the month of March 2011. Thank you to all who participate and a special welcome if you are new!

This month's theme:

This is something different and I admit it may be difficult for many. But let's give a try!

I first read about "6 word memoirs" in the article The Story of Your Life in Six Words at the blog World of Psychology. If you are going to participate, then you should definitely check it out, along with all the links there.

Please submit your work as an image. You can use any image editing program, as most all have text editing features. Try to stick only to words (please do not use any imagery). Of course, feel free to explore your creativity in terms of how you present the words, color, orientation, etc. If you need help, you can use the online word cloud generators we used in our first Carnival: Wordle or Tagul.

Entries are due by March 22, 2011.

You may also feel free to send me a link to a page hosted on your own site (or blog), if you have one. It is important to repeat that nobody is required to have a website in order to participate.

The Carnival will be published on the afternoon of March 24, 2011.

To submit an entry use this link to e-mail: paul@mindparts.org

Please use "EXPRESSIVE ARTS" in the subject heading to help me keep track of submissions. Every submission will receive an acknowledgement of receipt. If you do not receive one within a day or two, then please follow up with me.

If you have questions or need clarifications, direct them to me by e-mail or ask in the comments here.