Back to Nuts and Bolts
At this time last year, and the year before, I was in the midst of "internal disconnection." The same is true this year. And the same has been true at other times. I have always come to the conclusion that I am not well served when I am disconnected, and I have often spoke of how it leads to issues of safety. Disconnection is not consistent with my present-day philosophy on how I want to live my life and my direction in healing. But I am often at al loss for how to fix it.
Part of the issue maybe many of you will identify with, is that for parents, June is a really rough time of year. The school year ends in mid-June and there are a bevy of school-related activities. If you are an involved in helping in the schools, and I am, it can feel like a bit too much. There are concerts, field days, field trips, end-of-year PTO meetings, and the list goes on and on.
And, added to that is another ever-present issue: change. As I have worked on healing, I have become more aware of how I am affected by what is around me (events and people). No school for the kids means quite a drastic change. Seasonal change, especially in New England, is always dramatic. The weather also shifts from downright cold to hot. Work is in flux with colleagues vacation schedules; plus being in academia, summer is quite different.
No wonder all of this throws me (and probably you too). I often get thrown a lot. I feel like I am not very versatile anymore. What I used to handle purely by dissociating, now often feels terribly complicated. Nothing ever seems simple anymore.
But, over the years I have developed some "go to" skills. When I feel out of balance, like I do now, it is a reminder to go back to these basics.
The basics may appear on the surface to be quite simple, but they are often not at all easy to do (and are often easy to ignore). For me, though, the "nuts and bolts" are rather clear:
- Take time to self-reflect; and don't have therapy be the only time you practice this. My journal writing has mainly been reporting and very "diary like." I have used my journal in more substantial ways in the past, which means as an adjunct to therapy where I make sense of reactions and experiences.
- Practice mindfulness. This means actively paying attention to what the experiences are while you are going through life. If I am mowing the lawn, it helps to go slowly and appreciate what I am doing. If I am planting in the gardens, it helps to feel the soil and draw parallels to internal growth.
- Self-care needs to be often and regular. This means finding ways to get meaningful and consistent sleep, taking care of pain issues by self-soothing, and eating. It means also taking time to play (with the kids), not only being "in your head" and using music (playing or listening) as a healing tool.
- Art. Drawing and art making (including photography) is another tool I have used to give me access to feelings, which do not seem all that accessible right now. I often have resistance to doing art. And I often find that I will reconnect in this area by increasing my use of photography (which is happening now, so that is a positive).
If I thought more carefully, I probably could come up with a longer list. But these are the main areas that come to mind based on my experience.
My immediate reaction to these are: "OK, Paul, easy to say but hard to do." One could then say that the list is trite. Way too simple.
That thinking, however, is merely a trap.
I have often spoke of simple solutions. A dissociative mind by nature is a very complicated mind. In many ways I think we get accustomed to this. I have used metaphors in the past of the complexity of an orchestra leading to beautiful and harmonious music. I have spoken about sports teams and various specific roles each athlete has and how they can come together for one goal.
An attempt at simplifying is not at all to invalidate real difficulties. Rather simplifying and practicing the "nuts and bolts" helps deal with the complexity.
This is my contract with myself, my agenda if you will for the coming weeks.
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Paul,
Thank you for sharing your nuts and bolts list. My struggles began shortly before Memorial Day, and I am prepping for a rough summer, given the menories that I've been working on during T. Summers definitely didn't equate safety/good times for me.
I came here today to review the Arts Carnival (again - I was triggered on my way home) and to listen to your piano cover of Hallelujah. It surprised me to see a post, and one that mirrored my sentiments about summer.
The irony that I contemplate is that I fight so hard, it seems, to stay present, to stay in the moment and work through these things (my immediate trigger, the upcoming 'summer) rather than dissociate away; but, it sucks. It hurts. It scares me, and I don't like it and I want to run away - figuratively and literally (I ran part of the way to my vehicle after being triggered). I'm hoping that this summer, I'll be able to find a balance/a reward of some sort, for staying more present.
Good luck on your period of change. Thank you for sharing your difficulty, but also your resolve.
wtr
I find this post soothing Paul... also it gives me some structure and ideas for myself. WTR I am sorry you are being triggered and are having a hard time. Summer to me means feeling the warm sun on my body, having windows open to let the warm breeze flow around me and the wonderful smells of my flowers and cut grass. I feel like my world wakes up some in the summer time. The little ones inside are excited about the nice weather and being able to be outside. All my parts feel connected to the summer season. They haven't learned to feel connect to people yet. I socialize and enjoy friends but don't connect. I have just never been able to do this and don't know if I ever will be able to. But this is what summer means to me. I find the season soothing to my parts.
I hope you're doing well and thanks for this post. You do sound so much more organized with things now Paul!
You're right, Paul, sometimes simple is often the best. It is for me too, and my list somewhat similar. I hope this helps you deal with the complexity and the confusion that comes with it.
Also relate very much to what you've written, Paul. This is a hard time of year for us too - 2 abuser's birthdays this week; also coming to the end of the school year with exams to prepare and mark and all the chaos that goes with it; and for those reasons and probably others I don't really understand this is always a difficult season for us.
Thanks for sharing your nuts and bolts list, it has a lot of similarities to ours and is a helpful reminder. These simple things are so important for us and, like you say, all too easy to forget.
Thinking of you in your time of change. Take good care.
Bay
Good luck with the contract. It sounds as if you have an awareness, and determination, to make it work.
I hear you. I am pretty split between part of me liking change - and not liking it. I've discovered recently that when I like change is when it's MY idea (narcissistic of me). So, what I've learned to do is try to get an idea of the coming changes of others that may effect me and then I think about them at least 2-3 times a day. Not worry about it, just look it up on my calendar, tell myself about it, and then leave it. Then when the change actually happens, it's not such a blow. Honestly, though, I would probably freak if I had to experience the change you do every summer. It sounds like you have many coping skills - so I'm wishing you calm peaceful days.
Love your nuts and bolts list. And I love this:
An attempt at simplifying is not at all to invalidate real difficulties. Rather simplifying and practicing the "nuts and bolts" helps deal with the complexity.
When I practice the simple stuff (which is actually quite difficult for me) it eases the complexity and my mental health is more balanced.
Thanks for the reminders!
Sorry it took me so long to get over here Paul but I really love this post. I thought your "nut and bolts" approach was elegant not simplistic. I forget to try those things constantly and I pay for it every time. I just wrote in a comment on my blog that I have a real problem remembering that I have DID and dissociative issues. I really do just forget and then I wonder why I have problems. When I'm hit with stress I go to my defaults which aren't good but I do it because I forget to do these kinds of things.
Thank you for writing this.
I am sorry I did not reply to each comment as I normally do. Everything just got too busy and I could barely breathe. But things are better now.
@Wantstorun: I hope that you find balance. These seasonal transitions can be hard. But I am trying to move with it.
@Nansie: I hope that this summer works out well for you and it's as you envision it.
@Kerro: Simple, yes. Simple. I keep forgetting that!
@Bay: I hope you feel better now that those anniversaries are behind you.
@Ivory: Split? Really? Us? I like your approach to plan ahead. That's very worth trying.
@Holly: Yes, I have found that simplifying really does help deal with complex problems. It's along the radical acceptance line.
@Tai: It's okay to forget that you have DID. Because that shows that it's not taking up all your life and thinking.