Finally on Stable Ground

| By Paul | | Comments (10)

I know it has been a long while since I have written here and an even longer time since I have been reading other's blogs or in touch with friends both in my healing circle as well as other areas of my life. I have been basically out of it on so many levels, including internally, but still able to present a front of super functionality. After several months of this, I finally feel like I have found some stability. I learned a lot and I write more specifically about it soon.

Today, though, I want to make my contribution to this month's Expressive Arts Carnival. In the announcement for the Carnival, I did not say that I did this exercise before, a bit over a year ago while inpatient.

In thinking about this directive now and who I could possibly write about who has taught me, my thoughts go inside of me. I have learned the most about healing from me. That may sound like a "big ego" statement. But it is more a statement about acceptance of the various separate aspects of my psyche and an understanding that this structure is fundamental to who I am.

I know I have talked about this many times before: When I get into a denial space internally and make statements that parts of me do not exist in the very separate way they often do, I end up not being true to myself. And that truth is a necessity. That is what I have been missing over the last few, at least, months.

A good deal of healing comes from communicating with discrete parts of myself. Of course, they are all connected and we are one person. But it is also true that I have evolved in a very compartmentalized way, and so learning about those compartments and building connections is what a lot of my healing journey is about.

Over the past few days, since I have found a sense of balance, the key thing I have done was to accept and listen inside. I stopped pushing parts of me away. I acknowledged all of them. That approach has changed everything for me. No longer am I so confused. No longer am I losing time. No longer am I so hugely distant from memories that I just pushed away. No longer do I have no understanding for my behavior, and why I was so driven to self-harm.

Indeed, the past few days have been humbling for me. I now know that "I" is broad. I am more than "I" and that is something I must accept. It makes the journey simpler in some ways (e.g., I gain more fluidity) and also more complicated in others (e.g., I have to own difficult feelings). But that is my reality. My path. And I am back on it.

My words for the Carnival are: Truth, Healing, Balance. And my hex color code is #855E42 (named "Dark Wood," which for me signifies being grounded like a tree).

The Carnival will be published tomorrow, on the last day of the month. If you want to make a last minute entry, please do so by 2PM EST July 31 and I will include it.


Nansie said:

Hey Paul! Glad to see you back and you sound good. I am still not ready to continuously participate in the carnival... Just cannot find this stuff within long enough to find or create a pic that could represent it... Hang in there!

Paul Author Profile Page replied to Nansie:

Thanks Nansie. Feel free to contribute to the carnival when you are ready. Although, I can't help but say that based on my experience with art, that sometimes the art itself helps with the issue you are talking about (staying connected to the experience).

castorgirl said:

This sounds like another huge step in your healing. I'm glad you're back on firmer, safer ground.

I like the colour and words you chose... another sign of your solid foundation.

Take care,

Paul Author Profile Page replied to castorgirl:

Thank you CG! Yes, it has been a big step but it took quite a long time to get there and came at a price. I am trying not to be too discouraged by that fact and focus on the positive here.

Persephone said:

Paul, I just want to let you know that I have high respect in regard to your courage and your decisive mind to continue on this path. I am sort of humbled by your words since I know how hard it is to stay focused.

I wish you well.


Paul Author Profile Page replied to Persephone:

Thank you Heidi. I don't know if I deserve it but thank you.

Evan said:

Wow Paul, it sounds like you have been doing huge work. Big congratulations, my thoughts are with you.

Paul Author Profile Page replied to Evan:

Evan, Thank you. I have enjoyed reading your newsletters that I get in my inbox!

Bay said:

Glad to hear things are settling for you, Paul. "the key thing I have done was to accept and listen inside", so simple, yet so incredibly difficult. Good for you.

Paul Author Profile Page replied to Bay:

Thanks Bay! Isn't it interesting how simple things are often so hard?

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry published on July 30, 2011 11:22 PM.

Expressive Arts Carnival Activity No. 13 was the previous entry in this blog.

Expressive Arts Carnival No. 13: Group Word Cloud is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Subscribe to Mind Parts

Enter your e-mail to be notified of new posts