Finally on Stable Ground

| By Paul | | Comments (10)

I know it has been a long while since I have written here and an even longer time since I have been reading other's blogs or in touch with friends both in my healing circle as well as other areas of my life. I have been basically out of it on so many levels, including internally, but still able to present a front of super functionality. After several months of this, I finally feel like I have found some stability. I learned a lot and I write more specifically about it soon.

Today, though, I want to make my contribution to this month's Expressive Arts Carnival. In the announcement for the Carnival, I did not say that I did this exercise before, a bit over a year ago while inpatient.

In thinking about this directive now and who I could possibly write about who has taught me, my thoughts go inside of me. I have learned the most about healing from me. That may sound like a "big ego" statement. But it is more a statement about acceptance of the various separate aspects of my psyche and an understanding that this structure is fundamental to who I am.

I know I have talked about this many times before: When I get into a denial space internally and make statements that parts of me do not exist in the very separate way they often do, I end up not being true to myself. And that truth is a necessity. That is what I have been missing over the last few, at least, months.

A good deal of healing comes from communicating with discrete parts of myself. Of course, they are all connected and we are one person. But it is also true that I have evolved in a very compartmentalized way, and so learning about those compartments and building connections is what a lot of my healing journey is about.

Over the past few days, since I have found a sense of balance, the key thing I have done was to accept and listen inside. I stopped pushing parts of me away. I acknowledged all of them. That approach has changed everything for me. No longer am I so confused. No longer am I losing time. No longer am I so hugely distant from memories that I just pushed away. No longer do I have no understanding for my behavior, and why I was so driven to self-harm.

Indeed, the past few days have been humbling for me. I now know that "I" is broad. I am more than "I" and that is something I must accept. It makes the journey simpler in some ways (e.g., I gain more fluidity) and also more complicated in others (e.g., I have to own difficult feelings). But that is my reality. My path. And I am back on it.

My words for the Carnival are: Truth, Healing, Balance. And my hex color code is #855E42 (named "Dark Wood," which for me signifies being grounded like a tree).

The Carnival will be published tomorrow, on the last day of the month. If you want to make a last minute entry, please do so by 2PM EST July 31 and I will include it.

10 Comments


Nansie said:

Hey Paul! Glad to see you back and you sound good. I am still not ready to continuously participate in the carnival... Just cannot find this stuff within long enough to find or create a pic that could represent it... Hang in there!

Paul Author Profile Page replied to Nansie:

Thanks Nansie. Feel free to contribute to the carnival when you are ready. Although, I can't help but say that based on my experience with art, that sometimes the art itself helps with the issue you are talking about (staying connected to the experience).

castorgirl said:

This sounds like another huge step in your healing. I'm glad you're back on firmer, safer ground.

I like the colour and words you chose... another sign of your solid foundation.

Take care,
CG

Paul Author Profile Page replied to castorgirl:

Thank you CG! Yes, it has been a big step but it took quite a long time to get there and came at a price. I am trying not to be too discouraged by that fact and focus on the positive here.

Persephone said:

Paul, I just want to let you know that I have high respect in regard to your courage and your decisive mind to continue on this path. I am sort of humbled by your words since I know how hard it is to stay focused.

I wish you well.

Heidi

Paul Author Profile Page replied to Persephone:

Thank you Heidi. I don't know if I deserve it but thank you.

Evan said:

Wow Paul, it sounds like you have been doing huge work. Big congratulations, my thoughts are with you.

Paul Author Profile Page replied to Evan:

Evan, Thank you. I have enjoyed reading your newsletters that I get in my inbox!

Bay said:

Glad to hear things are settling for you, Paul. "the key thing I have done was to accept and listen inside", so simple, yet so incredibly difficult. Good for you.
Bay

Paul Author Profile Page replied to Bay:

Thanks Bay! Isn't it interesting how simple things are often so hard?

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry published on July 30, 2011 11:22 PM.

Expressive Arts Carnival Activity No. 13 was the previous entry in this blog.

Expressive Arts Carnival No. 13: Group Word Cloud is the next entry in this blog.

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