Recently in Art Therapy Category

I first learned about Wordle from a post last month by fragmentz. The other day Castorgirl made the post "Lost for Words". They both got me motivated!

I am a firm believer that diversified means of expression are necessary for healing, especially for those of us who struggle with dissociative problems. But, one could easily argue that this is important for any person to live a healthy life! Being able to express ourselves in different ways helps us be more flexible, encourages creativity, and just plain makes us more interesting people.

The connection to dissociative problems is particularly important. Through dissociation, we become accustomed to having parts of us handle very specific areas of life in mostly extremely rigid ways. If you look at such a person as a whole, one would most likely see all the variety that person possesses, and rigidity would probably not be the word that would come to mind to describe the whole person. Instead, the most common phrase I hear is "remarkably adaptive". That's little comfort most times to the person who routinely dissociates. The experience for someone who routinely dissociates in more extreme ways is usually one of fragmentation, lost time, and discontinuity.

The prognosis for dissociative disorders is good, I think, because we already have within us the necessary components to live interesting and creative lives most everyone strives for. I am not meaning to trivialize the process of healing or the struggles we face, but healing really is within our grasp and the destination is, I think, a wonderful place to end up and the journey itself isn't that bad either.

Art therapy, some aspects of my photography, piano, writing, and poetry have been very helpful in my healing. They have all provided ways to bridge what I know intellectually in my brain with what I feel in my heart. In many ways, through these means, I've been able to create a sort of glue that holds all the pieces of me together.

Wordle is very easy to use. In the simplest way, you can just enter a list of words in a form, and it will create a visual representation for you. More advanced uses allow the ability to weight the sizes of particular words and assign colors. From there, you can use the menus to decide how you want the software to lay out the words. You don't have strict control over word placement. But you can fiddle with the settings and create as many variations as you want.

I suggest to make screen captures as you go along because the software doesn't have a history function. Further I suggest you keep your list of words (and size and color tags if you use them) in a text editor. Then if you want to change anything, just change it in the text editor and paste that into the form.

What does what I created mean? The short answer is that these are the words taken from my "Contract" that have particular meaning to me. I weighted "Balance" the most, and that and "truth" are the only words in white. The pink words are kind of in the same class as balance. Grounding words are green. Nouns are in blue. Action oriented things I have to do to heal are in red. "God" is in purple.

To create your own, head on over to: Wordle.

For something similar, yet different, check out Tagul. It gives more control than Wordle, but many of the things it does you can do in a text editor with a little script control. But it's worth checking out.

Finally, if you are interested in words, see Visuwords, an online graphical dictionary and thesaurus.

If you click on the image above, you will see a higher resolution image.

Here are some early morning ramblings after not sleeping all night.

I was reading an interview just a little while ago, on the somewhat unrelated topic of "intelligence gathering", and this was said:

I thought it was a rather interesting comment, because intelligence gathering and trauma healing are not so dissimilar. But I think he missed the point a bit.

I like to think of healing as having to put together a bunch of puzzle pieces (with a lot missing and without the picture). But on those puzzle pieces are the little dots, and as you put the puzzle together, patterns start to emerge and you get better and better at predicting and making decisions.

This photograph is of some work I did with my therapist last summer. I painted puzzle pieces of various sizes and arranged them in a way that made some visual sense to me. I had many color options, but I chose only red, white and black. We never quite finished, having intended to go back and rearrange and reshoot. The pieces are still sitting in my therapist's office on top of her bookshelf. Perhaps we'll take them out again soon.

On my A Healing Journey page you will see an image of a dissociative identity (DID) awareness pin. And if you follow the link on the bottom of that page you will see another. I took the inspiration from these, and Castorgirl's blog header.

In the hospital this month, during an "art therapy" group, we were asked to "draw a symbol for yourself". This is something I've done before. Often, the symbol is not one object, but a collection of many objects, and this particular drawing was no exception. Being in a particularly fragmented state, I drew on the left what I wanted my symbol to be (and what I knew it could be); a rather smooth whole with different colored parts. On the right, I drew where I actually was at the time. The colored parts were rough and jagged and the "core" of me felt very small and colorless.

I also noticed, quite to my surprise, that it has been several months since I've put up any art, aside from photography. It's definitely something I intend to do more of in the future. You may also be interested in Kate's new list of Creative Healing Blogs and Postings.

Note: I've replaced the original image posted here (which was a merge of two scans) with a photograph. I'm going to use that approach for images larger than letter size.

Related Posts:

• The Core and Flow (May 2009)
• Mental States (May 2009)
• Radiating Parts and Finding Balance (May 2009)
• 24 Hour Timeline (April 2009)
• Safety (April 2009)
• Introduction to Art Therapy (October 2008)

I've shared a somewhat similar drawings emphasizing a sense of internal harmony and safety. I wrote about the role of drawing in healing and the need for finding balance. I certainly don't always have a sense of an internal protected core, but I am finding that I am learning how to achieve it and how to maintain it. Communication and collaboration are the keys.

Related Posts:

• Radiating Parts (May 2009)
• Safety (April 2009)

I've written before about how I use drawings to represent my mental states. Sometimes you just cannot get your point across using words. These are from my journal back in December, but they are plenty relevant now. I drew four major states, but made it clear that they exist on a continuum of states. I'll resist the temptation to describe them, and just assume they are self-explanatory. I would love to know what others think about them. Do they resonate?

In today's post, I continue to explore the many ways in which art can help us make sense of our internal landscape. For those of us who struggle with dissociation, including Dissociative Identity Disorder, we know that describing our experiences, to therapists or even to ourselves, is crucial. I have been fortunate to be exposed to different techniques that help with this challenge. Part of the reason for this blog is to share with others what is working for me (as others share with me what works for them).

Sitting down and writing or drawing or playing music are not particularly difficult endeavors. They are certainly within reach of anyone. But they can help formulate a healing plan. Can you heal by only addressing what goes on inside once or twice a week for an hour in therapy? I used to think so. I was wrong.

Healing, as I am sure many of you found out already, requires a great deal of personal attention. But just as with many other endeavors, there is a somewhat delicate balance that needs to be achieved. Just as you cannot limit your attention to one or two hours a week, you also cannot expand it to a 16 hour a day effort. Somewhere in between these two extremes we must find time to live our lives.

People who deal with dissociation know about extremes. So it may not surprise anyone to realize that finding a "happy medium" with our healing journey may be quite difficult to achieve in practice. Our systems generally were not set up to find a middle ground. I have seen it with myself and see it with many others. Yet, I try very hard to find a balance.

So, coming off the soapbox, I'll tell you what the colored pencil drawing is about. It's pretty much self-explanatory. I spend a few hours in the library (a safe place for me) before therapy. I use this time as "me" time, to expand my focus on myself. Sometimes I do work (like in my job). Other times I listen to music. But most of the time I try to reflect and find perspective. These are the times I bring out my journal and write or draw.

The drawings usually reflects a state of mind or feeling, which can vary widely. But in this particular drawing, I was in a place of acceptance and understanding. I've drawn safe places before, but this was more about representing what I felt was happening inside at that particular moment.

The parts inside are contained (you can see a central circle surrounding them), which my therapist is telling me is always a good thing. Each part (or black circle) has a different diameter representing how much influence or presence the part has in relation to the whole system. Colors radiate from each part, spreading out to infinity. For me this means that I felt connected to the world around me. I was in a good place when I drew this.

Doing an exercise like this is immensely helpful to me. It allows me to appreciate that life is not all about disease and chaos. Sometimes things flow well and connect. And this moderates those times when life isn't so wonderful.

This is a representation, drawn after the fact in pencil, of what one particular 24 hour period looked like for me. I have written about art therapy before and this is a good example of how helpful it can be to visually represent a state of mind. Of course, art is not the only medium one can use. Music, poetry, writing, and talking are probably the most common additional ones. My only point is that psychotherapy tends to restrict itself to just talking. I believe that's limiting to a number of patients.

In this image, the timeline doesn't really correspond to actual events. It's not literal. Despite the huge fluctuations, the timeline is not broken. This is one of my major advances. It isn't always this way, but it is more so than not.

Several days later I drew something very similar. But this time I put labels at various places along the timeline.

This article appeared in the April 2009 newsletter Many Voices.

I have read Many Voices off and on for the past 18 years. Wow! That means for at least 18 years I have been on some sort of healing journey. That's a little less than half my life. Mind boggling when I think about it because sometimes it feels like I've accomplished absolutely nothing. I still have flashbacks, body memories, I switch and struggle with self-harm, but rarely act on the urges. However, everything is different now.

The biggest change is that I've made a commitment to be alive. When you can honestly make that level of commitment, you will know you are on a different, more sturdier path to healing. Suddenly you are forced to deal with the pain of all of you (yourself and your parts). You are forced to find healthier ways to push through, like breathing or drawing or writing or crying. You are forced to learn about all the parts of you and not just push them away. And you do it because you know it's the only way!

Healing from trauma, though, is kind of like learning. You don't start out knowing how it is that F=ma, you build up to it. I have had many helpful people tell me that if I just do this or that, things will get better. But none of that made any sense until I found my own way. I didn't used to think I could communicate with parts of me. I never really believed I was in it with some of the darker parts. A lot of times I didn't even believe in parts or that I was abused.

Flashbacks and body memories are sometimes more debilitating now that I don't "act out" and because they are attached to feelings. But I have new skills. I can sometimes say to myself that this is a memory and not be too caught up in it as much as I used to. I can curl up with my stuffed animals. Be comforted by loved ones. I can change my plans and say to myself that it's okay.

The largest area of growth is how I deal with my somewhat fragmented internal structure. I often denied that my "system" existed. I still do that to a degree, but I am beginning to empathize with parts and the result is increased sharing and communication and trust. The barriers, I am finding, don't need to always be so severe. So while I ask myself why, if I am getting better, do I have to experience so many bad and painful feelings that used to stay with the parts? My answer is that I am stronger now and able to experience them in a more whole way and not be destroyed. I guess that means I'm healing. This is why it's important to take a step back and assess. My knowledge that I am healing gives me the strength to go on.

Healing, though, goes hand in hand with safety, which is the topic of this issue. I have done more over the past year to create internal and external safety than at any other time in my life. I have finally been able to recognize triggers and take steps to keep myself safe. I recognize my awesome responsibility to my wife and two young children (and to myself and the children within). I do things now that I never would conceive of doing. I let my parts have time to experience what makes them feel comforted. This could be playing piano or writing or drawing or talking. And I take my internal work and therapy much more seriously now. I don't go back to work after therapy. I sit in the safe library for a few hours before therapy to write and draw and to figure out where all of me is at.

All of this change has come quite quickly for me. And this is what I want to tell all you MV readers. Only recently did I find a new therapist who was able to work with me in a very different way. This therapist works with all of me and she uses a range of methods, from talk to drawing to music. It's not been easy. The commitment is huge! But I now know everything is about safety. I finally found a safe place inside, after many years of being "told" to do so. Last September, I experienced an incredible state of consciousness, not unlike I suppose what people hope to achieve through meditation or yoga. I saw and experienced the infinite nature of the universe and my whole being was bathed for several weeks in a rich energy. That experience was my awakening. A gift, I said, for all the hard effort I had made and for the way in which I shifted my healing focus. I have not stayed at that place, but have achieved glimpses of it since. I now have something to reach for.

A few weeks ago, in a dream, my inner family took me on a journey to show me their safe place. It is a wonderfully rich place not unlike "Camelot". Now when I meditate with myself, in a safe place, I can close my eyes and go back to this place and stand alongside my parts who have finally let me in. Sometimes I do it by being quiet. Sometimes soothing music helps me get there. This is not, by any means, the end of my journey. In fact, in many ways, it's only the beginning. My parts inside are finally trusting me enough to share. We are beginning to gain a sense of family. Even darker parts that I have wished away many times are being accepted and accepting others in return.

It can be remarkably healing to accept your inner structure. But you cannot just stop there. You have to accept and make an effort to change. Only then can you experience healing.

Many Voices has been a reality check for me over the years. I have read about survivors who have immense struggles. And survivors who have integrated. Sometimes I cannot understand what I read. And often I say "These people aren't me!" But I am here to say that you are me! You are my sisters and brothers. I, like many of you, have suffered inexplicable childhood trauma. Denying is such a barrier. And today I am not ashamed to even say I have parts inside.

I also want Many Voices readers to know that, if you haven't already, you can find a path to healing. My awakening experiences were gifts that come with a responsibility. I am here to tell you that there is a safe place. You can find it. Trust yourself, work hard, and open your heart. It's right in front of you and it's incredible.

The drawing above represents my internal safe place. The striations represent energy flow from right to left and show how the safe place deflects everything and keeps the inside protected.

Epilogue

Shortly after I wrote this contribution, I had to go inpatient for nearly two weeks.  My hospitalization was extremely difficult for me as I began to come to terms with the body memories and the pain.  The words I had written above finally sunk in and I realized that sometimes you need to ask for help.  Sometimes the pain is too much and you need pain medication in order to just keep going.  But above all, I came to fully accept that the abuse I suffered has had a major impact on me and I sustained a major life threatening injury.  My work is about healing from that massive injury, by keeping me safe, my parts inside me safe, and those loved ones around me safe.   Then quite suddenly, I began to grieve for the first time ever.  My therapist said this is "monumental".   I now am truly healing.

I backdated this post because it happened a while ago. As I'm new to doing this blog (reworking it from the static site it used to be), I'm pulling some material I think may be useful from my private journal entries and posting them here. This is one of those posts. I will talk more about all the issues I'm raising here on the blog.

One issue I'd like to raise is expanding what is traditionally thought of as "therapy". For many years I've done traditional "talking" psychotherapy and, every time I was in the hospital, I was exposed to "art therapy". I always found it helpful. Somehow the process allowed more of me to speak of our experiences. I began to realize that creating pictures is at least as valid as using words to describe experiences. I then began working with a therapist who encouraged me to do both: talk and art (and music). This shift led to the great change in my healing. Suddenly, the barriers were dropped and the parts of me who didn't do well with words had a place at the table.

Anyway, art therapy is all about a powerful experience for me. In the hospital, it begins with a directive by the therapist. Several patients sit around the room, think about the directive, choose their media, and then get 20 minutes or so draw on a large piece of paper. After the time is up, everyone hangs their art on a board and we go around and say something about what it means and about our process and we get feedback from others. It's really quite an experience.

For this particular group, the directive was to: (1) draw a container and (2) draw emotions, body sensations, and thoughts.

I had already been to Tai Chi that morning and, for a long time, I had been sitting and relaxing and finding that inner peace. So, I was in such a good state when it came time for art.

Unfortunately my scanner is smaller than I thought. But I captured most of the image. The container is a heart. I wanted to make the color pink for a certain part, but the closest I could find was a redish color. The container had to be a heart... for that's exactly what I felt. Originally I didn't want any container because I felt so connected to everything outside of me. But if there was to be a container, a heart would be more than adequate. My "mind's eye" is at the bottom. Simply observing. At top is a crude representation of how I visualize the flow of thoughts. I did make one fundamental error. The flow of thoughts is really right to left. But I forgot that until just after I put in the arrow. And this was not drawn with an erasable pencil. It was drawn with my charcoal pencil. Thoughts are kind of like waves. The waves serve to separate them. Really, it would be nice if I could find some way to put a space between each thought to separate further. But what I drew is more than an adequate representation.

Then, emotions and body sensations. When I am troubled, emotions and body sensations become very separate. The emotions take on a life of their own. And the body hurts. This was not the case yesterday. Nor today. I represented the emotions as also outside of me, as rays from the sun (which themselves are physically made of particles and waves). They are bathing my whole body, hence the yellow surrounding all around me. Note that the space the energy from the sun takes up is larger than my body. This is the sense that I am radiating energy. It exists in me and outside of me. The experience of a few weeks ago could be interpreted as the yellow in this image becoming so enormous that it filled up the whole universe. I chose the Sun because I needed to find something that people in the room could relate to. I couldn't draw a picture of the universe or of God or "consciousness".

I guess the moral of my post is that dealing with trauma and dealing with dissociated internal structures may require a more varied approach than just talk therapy.

I'd love to hear about what's worked for you.