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Welcome to the January 29, 2010 edition of Carnival Against Child Abuse. The purpose of the Carnival is to be a place where important posts are shared with others who may not be frequent readers of an author's blog. I, myself, have realized that I cannot follow all the blogs I want to follow, so the monthly Carnival gives me a chance to see what else is out there. There are so many wonderful bloggers and you are all doing a wonderful service not only to yourselves, but to the cause of ending child abuse and recovering from child abuse. My sincere thanks to all of you.

If you, as a reader or author, know of other blogs that you find helpful, please encourage them to submit to an upcoming issue of the Carnival Against Child Abuse; and please bookmark that page so we can continue to receive high quality submissions from a wide swath of bloggers.

Healing Submissions

Kerro from "Kerro's Korner" presents 10 good things about falling apart. In keeping with the David Letterman "Top 10" theme, Kerro shares with us one of my all time favorite posts and she leads off the Carnival this month. Her post is helpful, encouraging, and validating.

Kate from "Kate1975's Blog" presents A Bliss List. Kate creates wonderful lists that I come back to time and time again. Her "bliss" lists are so encouraging. To see all 12 of them, click on her Bliss List Category.

Dr. Kathleen Young from "Treating Trauma in Chicago" presents Shame and Self-Blame After Trauma. Dr. Young addresses head on one of the most difficult topics for survivors. This is a post you may want to bookmark and come back to when you are brought down by shame and self-blame. She concludes her post with: "No child (yes, that includes you reading this!) is ever to blame for the abuse inflicted upon them by others."

Hope from "Hope for Trauma" presents One Year Strong, saying "It's about my Journey throught my first year without being inpatient. The search for trust, support and acceptance." It's a peek into what hospitals are like, and a commentary on how a therapist who specializes in trauma work can lead survivors in a new and different healing direction.

Ivory from "Shades of Ivory" presents All in the Telling, saying "Telling is the most difficult 'start' to healing." In my comment to her post I wrote "I am so sorry that you have lost so much in your journey, for your 'telling'. But I am sure you realize that if you didn't 'tell' there would be other consequences, and perhaps you would not have survived those." Thanks for telling Ivory!

Sarah from "A bit of this, a bit of that" presents If I'd Known Then, saying "Although this isn't really a survivor blog in the way that many of the blogs that submit to the Carnival are, I am a survivor, and that does affect my writings. This post has received such a powerful response from my friends that I wanted to share it with a larger audience." Her post speaks of a wonderful book where authors write letters to their younger selves. Sarah herself wrote one in her blog post. It's a wonderful technique, and personally I'd love to do that someday.

Shhh from "My Shush Blog" presents elephant in the room. Shhh writes about her experience with a "transitional object". If you don't yet have one, you would do well to consider one. I have several.

Innocencestolen from her self-titled blog presents Bikini Season, saying "I wrote this post based on my own frustrations with my body and realizing how alot of my problems with myself have all stemmed from my mother." She touches on the trouble many of us have with body image and how lessons from long ago still stay with us today.

Cornnut32 from "Picture of Experience" presents Pooh's grand adventure. This post speaks to the power of interacting with children in a healthy way.

Marj aka Thriver from "Survivors Can Thrive!" presents Trauma Processing, Therapy & Counseling, saying "In this post, I talk about my experience with therapy for my dissociative disorder, trauma processing and counseling. I also lament a bit on the fact that I have never been able to find a therapist who could provide all three of these things for me as I navigate the healing-from-abuse journey." It's a personal account of some of her healing journey. Thank you, Marj, for sharing what is obviously so personal to you.

Mike from "Child Abuse Survivor" presents Healing Isn't a Smooth Timeline. Mike reminds us that there are ups and downs in the healing journey, that we can make huge progress in a short time, and make little progress over a long time, and everything in between. This is good to be reminded of, because many of us have high expectations of ourselves (added also to outside expectations).

Temperance from "Crackers & Juiceboxes" presents Dear Trauma Therapist.... Tempy has done something here that few of us think to do or are able to do. She made a clear statement to her therapist about who she is, what her limitations are, and a commitment to healing. This reminds me of Elia Wise's poem "For Children Who Were Broken"; if you have not read this poem, I suggest you look it up.

Art Submissions

Shen from "Reunited Selves" presents Anger Work. Her work goes through a whole process of inner communication. She uses a left- versus right-hand technique to help her communicate inside, and it's something worth trying for those of us who have trouble with that issue.

Paul from "Mind Parts" (me) presents My Symbol, my most recent art therapy post.

Advocacy & Awareness

Katie at "Sharing our Spaces" presents False Memory Syndrome, saying "I wrote this about my recent research into whether or not FMS is valid." It's a very good look at some of the current debate on a hot topic.

Paul from "Mind Parts" (again, me) presents Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Real?. I've been meaning to address this for a while, and so here goes... I take on the ongoing debate on the existence of DID because there has been much discussion on blogs about this topic recently.

Paul from "Mind Parts" presents The Burden, a wonderfully done campaign video to end child abuse.

Patricia from "Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker" presents Ask About Incest If You Suspect It Is Happening, saying "I wanted someone to ask. I needed someone to ask. If you know a child that you suspect is being abused ask them. It may be what they are waiting for." As survivors, especially, we cannot turn a blind eye. Thanks for reminding us Patricia!

BloggerT7165 from "What about when MOM is the abuser?" presents Female sex offenders and their victims: Reference materials and scholarly papers. This post presents a comprehensive bibliography on the topic of female sex offenders.

Poetry

I deliberately don't provide commentary on poems. I feel as though they should stand on their own

Mary from "Nippercat's Home" presents The Boogieman.

Little Sheep from "My (getting better) story" presents scrubbing it off, saying "It's so worth it in the end!"

Little Sheep from "My (getting better) story" presents poem.

Jumping in puddles from "Sharing private moments through poetry" presents Don't find me.

Aftermath

Patricia Singleton from "Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker" presents Inspiration, Denial and Incest, saying "This post was written in response to a previous comment on my blog that told my readers who were survivors to just get over it and get on with their lives. Abuse doesn't stay in our past. It very much affects our today." I think it's important for readers to realize that survivor blog posts aren't all about inspiration. Blogs are heartfelt attempts to find ourselves, and many posts will be dark or about losing hope; they should be looked at from a global perspective. Thank you Patricia for pointing this out.

Colleen from "Surviving by Grace" presents Taking Care of Myself. Colleen has struggled like so many of us have about learning to take care of our bodies despite years of being neglected from abuse. Thank you Colleen!

Colleen from "Surviving by Grace" presents Sisters. Colleen takes on survivor guilt and comes to the healthy conclusion that "It was not my fault".

Kate from "Kate1975's Blog" presents Survivor’s Aftereffects List #1. Kate has posted a wonderful list of aftereffects from the book "Secret Survivors". The full list can be found in the Aftereffects Lists Category.

That's all folks! Thank you all for the honor of hosting this month's Carnival and for your wonderful submissions. You are all truly inspirational.

The Carnival homepage can be found at Carnival Against Child Abuse. There you can find current as well as all past editions.

I am pleased to host this month's Carnival Against Child Abuse.

Submissions are due by Wednesday, January 27th and I will publish on Friday, January 29th.

Submit at: Blog Carnival Submissions

A blog carnival is a collection of blog articles (or art or poetry) hosted on a single site for the purpose of bringing readers and writers together.

There is no theme this month, in part due to time being short.

Don't have a blog or need help? Send an email to paul@mindparts.org and I will help you. In particular, if you don't have a blog, I will be happy to receive your article by email and I will host it here as a "guest" submission with byline credit given as you specify. This is a great opportunity for non-bloggers to make a statement and "test the waters" so to speak.

On the submission page you will be asked to pick a category of: Advocacy & Awareness; Aftermath; Healing & Therapy; In the News; Poetry; or Survivor Stories. There is a new category titled "Art Therapy", so please feel free to send in your art! Also, your blog itself does not need to be about child abuse, just the post you are submitting. And you can submit older articles and more than one article.

I hope you submit! The blogging community has a lot to contribute on the subject of child abuse and healing. Let your voice be heard.

Again, to submit, click on over to: Blog Carnival Submissions

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for October 2009 is up. It's hosted by Lynda from In the Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law.

Thanks to everyone who made submissions for this month's "Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse". I have yet to fully digest everything that's been submitted and I look forward to following all these wonderful sites, many of which are new to me (and perhaps to you too).

Relationship-Related Submissions

Shen at Reunited Selves submitted The Hole in the Soul. It's a beautifully written story about a young boy who was not well cared for and suffers headaches. It's a story about relationships, because it talks about the dynamic between a couple who has their own pain. It talks about loss. It talks about personal responsibility. It talks about healing. It leads off the carnival because it is to me one of the most beautiful, sad, and compelling stories I have ever read.

Castorgirl at Scattered Pieces submitted Once upon a time... Her story, which I am certain was difficult to write, reflects on an abusive relationship. It shows a deep understanding and a yearning to heal and change. It ends with a video titled "A Journey Through Domestic Violence" which is extremely powerful, heart-wrenching, and yet so full of hope.

Marj aka Thriver at Survivors Can Thrive submitted Can you fathom a family? Marj shows her ability to speak out against what was done to her in the context of her family. It's a story of hope. She writes: I am also happy and rather proud that I have the chance-and I am taking it-to break the multi-generational cycle of abuse. I can end the legacy I was born into. I've been able to create my own family with my husband and my beloved son.

Rick Belden submitted Fused at the wound, a poem about a love relationship. It's a rather sad tale and speaks to the complexities of holding onto healthy relationships in the midst of pain and struggle.

Dr. Kathleen Young submitted Relationships After Severe Trauma: Making Healthy Choices. Dr. Young relates some of the unhealthy aspects of relationships she has seen as a therapist. She offers some very practical advice.

Jumpinginpuddles at Lifes Spacings submitted What abuse can do to siblings and their relationships. She retells of her horrible abuse by her mother and how that changed forever her relationship with her sister. Note: this was left off the original publication because of a clerical error.

I submitted Q & A on the Carnival Theme in which I talked somewhat openly about the struggles I face in my healing as they relate to my family.

Advocacy and Awareness Submissions

Colleen at Surviving by Grace submitted Just try to shut us up, a heartfelt public statement that many victims of abuse need to tell their stories. I bookmarked this post and have used it as a "pep talk" to myself. Maybe you could do the same.

Jumpinginpuddles at Lifes Spacings submitted Expelling the myths of MPD/DID. She explores some of the common misconceptions about being multiple in a very direct way. Note: this was left off the original publication because of a clerical error.

Miss J at Media Misses submitted Failure to report vs. false allegations. She presents real-life cases of abuse and explores the real difficulties faced in finding justice and protecting children.

Atheist Revolution submitted: Catholic lobbying group opposes Child Victims Act. The Child Victims Act was to extend the statute of limitations by five years and add other victim protections in the state of New York. It was lobbied against by the New York Catholic Conference. Unfortunately, the Child Victims Act (A.2596) was pulled from the calendar on June 23, 2009 after Assembly leaders decided the bill did not have enough votes to pass.

Attorneys Betti and Franks submitted How to stay safe during a protracted lawsuit involving your childhood sexual abuse. They offer some practical tips based on their experience of prosecuting cases.

Healing Submissions

TheSameSky submitted Learning to Lament. She helps us understand that grieving is an integral part of healing and that denial and repression are not sustainable solutions. She writes: Feelings must be spoken. When they are, when feelings are no longer buried and our pain is heard by another... it becomes real, and this paves the way for healing.

Colleen at Surviving by Grace also submitted Roots, a wonderful story about a childhood safe place that stayed present with her into adulthood. If you use safe places in your healing process, this is a very uplifting story.

Dan Hays submitted Independence Day - Little Danny Set Free! It's a remarkable story, full of hope for what an adult man can do to heal a wounded boy through the power of visualization.

Kathy Broady at Discussing Dissociation submitted Do's and Don'ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples; a list comprised by an anonymous group of multiples.

Wanda's Wings submitted My Life - Short Version in which she tells of horrible abuse and also her salvation through God.

Thank you all, and especially Marj at Survivors Can Thrive, for the opportunity to host this month's carnival.

You are all truly inspirational.

The blog carnival for this month was announced here and contains some helpful information about what the carnival is all about.

I have been meaning to write a thoughtful article concerning this month's blog carnival theme (which I'm hosting) on significant others, spouses, families and parenting. That hasn't happened.

So, I thought I would do something simpler by answering some of the questions I posed when I announced the carnival.

I realize some of my answers may sound naive and may not all resonate with you. They are my answers and present my reality. I didn't want to go into details or long analyses. Of course, it's far more complex than what I'm writing here.

Here goes.

How does your spouse handle your healing? Or your symptoms?

This has varied over the years. And it seems that as time goes on it's harder to her to maintain patience. Like many of us, she wants this all done yesterday. And, while healing to us means being more aware of inconsistencies and dealing with them, she does not generally view that as healing. If I'm doing really well for a period and then have a collapse, it's very hard on her. She cannot really predict when the collapses will happen or to what degree and this makes it very hard for her to count on me in a whole host of ways. I do get very symptomatic at night sometimes. These are the times when the younger parts will have flashbacks and I will be in crisis. She handles these times extremely well. She's incredibly supportive there. I sometimes think that she wants it to be how it was before, when I was more "functional" and not showing outwardly how much pain I was in. Unfortunately, I was not healing much back then. And when I make the true statement that healing is messy, it's not just messy for me, it's messy for those who love me. But from her perspective, she has needs too. And they are being unmet because mine are "more important". I don't want that to be the case. She grapples with questions about whether I'm being selfish. These are tough for me to hear and some source of conflict. She thinks I can "toughen up" and sometimes sees where I'm at as a personal weakness. So, all in all, it's a complicated matter.

How do you talk to your spouse about your abuse or current place of healing?

Younger parts talk about these issues at night. During the day I try to be more protective of her. I really have a hard time explaining to her that I'm actually better now than I was a year or two ago. She understands that I have, to a large extent, been able to keep myself safe and she understands that is important. But she doesn't understand the scope of how unsafe I was. She sees this as a quality of life issue and thinks years are being wasted because I'm not healed enough. But usually we don't talk that frankly about my healing.

How do you talk to young children versus older children about your abuse or healing?

My children are 8 and 11. Both girls. I was symptomatic well before they were born and before I met my wife. I had a stability period. Then I became symptomatic again when my youngest was turning 1 and I was frequently in the hospital. So, it's been a long 7 year period since. I tried to keep my struggles as protected from the kids as possible. And what we said to the kids was mainly tied around the hospitalizations. We explained it as "Daddy has bad headaches and that's where they help get them better". This is how we explained some of my "having to sleep" or withdraw situations too. To a large extent, this is still how we explain it to them. However, about two years ago we had started to have more serious discussions with the children. I told the older one something about the abuse and how it's something that I struggle with and that my problems are more than just headaches. This came up because there was an abuse scandal in our town that my daughter became aware of. I couched my explanation of my abuse in terms that she could understand and then we talked about safety. I cannot honestly tell you if I've had a conversation with my younger daughter about the abuse. I think I haven't. But I have told her about my being "sad" sometimes.

What are the strains on the family and how do you cope with that?

I fortunately have good control over acting out behaviors at home. My kids accept me as me, even if that means I may act differently at times. And some of that is even desirable, like when younger parts can be young and play with them (while I do try to maintain a presence so that it's safe and appropriate). I would say the major strains are caused by my inconsistent ability to participate in what the family does. My wife ends up overcompensating some and resenting this some. But some of that has to do with differences between my wife and me. I am much more content to spend time with kids at night, reading and playing. And she is more content going out and doing things.

How do your child abuse experiences shape how you raise your children?

This is perhaps the most important outcome of my abuse. First, I don't let what happened to me force me to isolate my children. Quite the contrary. One of the things I am aware of that happened to me because of the abuse was that I withdrew and didn't have healthy experiences. So, for me, it's important that my children get to experience what being a kid is supposed to be. I want them to make friends. I want them to feel carefree. I want them to think the world is safe. That is how kids are supposed to be. Of course they are supposed to know good touch and bad touch and stranger danger, but I don't want to scare them. I don't think that's right. Second, I have taught my kids to express their emotions. I also know this was something I was unable to do. I want them to cry, laugh, and get angry. But most of all I want them to be able to find ways to tolerate bad feelings and move through them. Not alone. Third, I shower my kids with love. I tell them all the time how much I love them and I really try to show it to them. I hug them and kiss them. I fall asleep with them at night. I read to them. I scratch their backs at night. Fourth, I teach them. Constantly.

If you would like to chime in on the questions I raised, I'd be happy to hear your comments.

I am pleased to host this month's Carnival Against Child Abuse.

Submissions are due by Wednesday, September 23rd and I will publish on Friday, September 25th.

Submit at: Blog Carnival Submissions

The theme this month is significant others, spouses, families and parenting. (I'll elucidate on the theme below).

Blog carnivals are new to me, and may be to you too. So, I'll provide some background.

What is a blog carnival? A collection of blog articles (or art or poetry) hosted on a single site for the purpose of bringing readers and writers together.

Why a theme? There are a lot of blogs and it's hard to keep up with all that we want to. Many have different takes on the same issue. So, it's nice to bring them all together. Think of it like a mini-magazine with a special topic. I chose the theme of "significant others, spouses, families, and parenting" because I have met many in the blogging community who struggle with these issues, myself included. I was thinking of how complicated healing can be in the context of these relationships, plus the impact on others.

Some possible questions to explore:

• How does your spouse handle your healing? Or your symptoms?
• How do you talk to your spouse about your abuse or current place of healing?
• How do you talk to young children versus older children about your abuse or healing?
• What are the strains on the family and how do you cope with that?
• How do your child abuse experiences shape how you raise your children?

Don't have a blog or need help? Send an email to paul@mindparts.org and I will help you. In particular, if you don't have a blog and want to post on the theme, I will be happy to receive your article by email and I will host it here as a "guest" submission with byline credit given as you specify. This is a great opportunity for non-bloggers to make a statement.

Don't have an article related to the theme? That's okay. Because like any good magazine, there are other articles too! On the submission page you will be asked to pick a category of: Advocacy & Awareness; Aftermath; Healing & Therapy; In the News; Poetry; or Survivor Stories. Also, your blog itself does not need to be about child abuse, just the post you are submitting. And you can submit older articles and more than one article.

I hope you submit! The blogging community has a lot to contribute on the subject of child abuse and healing. Let your voice be heard.

Again, to submit, click on over to: Blog Carnival Submissions