Recently in Dreams Category

I've talked before about dreams and nightmares (see "Dreams" category), including in the last post. I wanted to bring up a connection I made just tonight.

First, I repost from the comments of the prior post the broad brush of my dream tonight:

As I've said before, I don't spend much time interpreting every detail of my dream, searching for hidden meanings. It's much easier now to get the take home message from them because they all seem to clear.

I mostly don't remember much at all about my dreams or nightmares when I wake. I could have easily turned over and went back to sleep and this morning I would probably have had only a sense that I dreamed but would not have known much more than that. But I find that when I sit up for a while and breathe a little, the memory of the dreams surface. It's not exactly effort. I cannot really think myself into remembering. It's more of an internal acceptance and listening that allows it to happen.

I suddenly realized that the manner in which I remember my dreams upon waking is almost identical to how I remember therapy upon leaving. This was shocking to me. This tells me that in therapy, I clearly am often in some other state of consciousness.

But it also tells me that I have the ability to communicate inside. This is comforting.

In tomorrow's post, I'll write about disordered sleep and sleep hygiene.

I get disturbed by most dreams and nightmares. But I seem to always learn something from them. Recently I had a nightmare, that I'll share with you all.

For the most part, the nightmare was about protecting my two children. But I largely think they are metaphors for me as a whole. Just like the other dream was a metaphor for me (the first with the data is protecting the integrity of what I hold and am learning about my brain; the second was protecting the little princess which I think was my sanity which was later revealed to be about protecting many more than just her which represented all inside and, maybe, outside).

This dream had McLean Hospital in it, the place I go to for help. If you've ever seen the movie "Girl Interrupted", you will know that the hospital is connected by a series of underground tunnels. Sometimes these tunnels can be a little bit freakish. This nightmare largely took place in the tunnels. I don't think in the beginning of the dream the kids were with me, but towards the end, it became about protecting my girls (or at least that was what I understood). These dreams are all in the Stephen King class now. Does this mean I'm getting to be sick?

There were many parts of the dream and one part had my wife and I scuba diving; but it wasn't really safe. Then my oldest daughter came to join us another time. There were things like that; doing things connected to the McLean grounds (I don't know where you would scuba at McLean), but about both sharing experiences and protecting.

Then there was a large and old lobby and I took the kids out of that building into the tunnels. The goal was to remove them before the monsters came. The monsters were horrible. As we left the building, we saw a few of my daughters' friends sitting separately and wrapped in blankets. One of them, she's a little arrogant, like a certain part of me, made some snide comment to me, and I reprimanded her and told her I was going to tell her mother. She recoiled.

Once in the tunnels, it was just like being in a horror movie. And now that I write this, I remember having another dream like this several months ago where there was a pool at my work and then priests.

But then it got many orders of magnitude more scary than anything before. Suddenly I was planning some kind of party near a pool (again a water theme). It was like a field day for kids. I was planning fun activities, but I was apparently oblivious to (or really knew but didn't say anything) the fact that these horrific monsters were going to show up.

I think this is a metaphor for there being a parts way of dealing with life. How could I possibly plan a summer party for kids, knowing they would be all killed by the monsters? Was this what my life was like as a kid? Would I plan to go to church "knowing" I would be attacked? Then maybe it really wasn't a surprise like I always said it was. Well, to me it was a surprise because I didn't have to experience anything really, and there was not much that I needed to be aware of. So, like the body pain I often experience, the experiences got handled by parts, which were and are largely all kids.

It was as if some parallel reality was going on. Because while one part of me was oblivious, some other part of me was preparing in a major and frenetic way to protect the kids at the party. The steps to the pool were barricaded and I remember saying we need larger planks of wood to shield the steps. There were also large boulders used as barriers.

Sure enough right on schedule (and there was this sense that I had to hurry up), the huge and disgusting monsters came and slashed everyone in the pool and at the ice skating race. Nobody lived. There was blood everywhere. Then I woke up.

Do others have nightmares like this that seem to tell you exactly what's going on inside? If so, what do you make of them?

Do you have dreams that help you understand your internal landscape? My dreams come in bursts. I'll have a great many for a while and then they just stop.

This one started off as some quite scary R-rated dream. It was based around my needing to safeguard the contents of my computer. OK, this now tells you I am a computer nerd! I was at some factory and got stuck there and, supposedly, that was what they did. I was with someone but don't know who. A little girl I think. But the factory was weird and scary and there were people trying to get in who were like zombies. This was very real and scary.

From there I was transported to some other PG-rated world. I was in a big house. I think it was my Nana's house. I was specifically charged with taking care of a special princess. That was my only job and failure was not an option. Just like the Navy SEALS motto, I think. There was a whole army of enemy soldiers trying to get us. There was a teenage soldier on my side, and he was supposed to help me. But he ended up getting caught by the enemy. They were marching around the house, about to come in.

I quickly took the princess up through the attic walkup. My father was there minding the entrance, but he was not paying attention and was acting dumb or like he didn't hear me. I couldn't understand that. I asked him to get me some long nails from the box of he had in front of him, so I could nail the walkup shut. That was his only job, but he didn't do it well. I ended up getting the nails myself. I nailed it shut.

In the attic with me were a bunch of other children. But I noticed, quite by surprise, that there was a window and door in the attic with a fire escape. I saw that some other children, who were supposed to hide out with me, were coming back in. I quickly told them to lock the door and be quiet. Everyone was so loud and I was trying to tell them they had to be quiet because we were going to be caught. They were all dressed poorly and their hair and clothes needed to be washed. I cannot remember what their faces looked like.

Just then I saw the young prince of the enemy. He was from India. He came up those back stairs. He saw us all. We made eye contact. Everyone went silent. He knew I was just trying to protect everyone. He nodded and left. And that's when I woke up.

I felt proud of myself for this dream.

This article appeared in the April 2009 newsletter Many Voices.

I have read Many Voices off and on for the past 18 years. Wow! That means for at least 18 years I have been on some sort of healing journey. That's a little less than half my life. Mind boggling when I think about it because sometimes it feels like I've accomplished absolutely nothing. I still have flashbacks, body memories, I switch and struggle with self-harm, but rarely act on the urges. However, everything is different now.

The biggest change is that I've made a commitment to be alive. When you can honestly make that level of commitment, you will know you are on a different, more sturdier path to healing. Suddenly you are forced to deal with the pain of all of you (yourself and your parts). You are forced to find healthier ways to push through, like breathing or drawing or writing or crying. You are forced to learn about all the parts of you and not just push them away. And you do it because you know it's the only way!

Healing from trauma, though, is kind of like learning. You don't start out knowing how it is that F=ma, you build up to it. I have had many helpful people tell me that if I just do this or that, things will get better. But none of that made any sense until I found my own way. I didn't used to think I could communicate with parts of me. I never really believed I was in it with some of the darker parts. A lot of times I didn't even believe in parts or that I was abused.

Flashbacks and body memories are sometimes more debilitating now that I don't "act out" and because they are attached to feelings. But I have new skills. I can sometimes say to myself that this is a memory and not be too caught up in it as much as I used to. I can curl up with my stuffed animals. Be comforted by loved ones. I can change my plans and say to myself that it's okay.

The largest area of growth is how I deal with my somewhat fragmented internal structure. I often denied that my "system" existed. I still do that to a degree, but I am beginning to empathize with parts and the result is increased sharing and communication and trust. The barriers, I am finding, don't need to always be so severe. So while I ask myself why, if I am getting better, do I have to experience so many bad and painful feelings that used to stay with the parts? My answer is that I am stronger now and able to experience them in a more whole way and not be destroyed. I guess that means I'm healing. This is why it's important to take a step back and assess. My knowledge that I am healing gives me the strength to go on.

Healing, though, goes hand in hand with safety, which is the topic of this issue. I have done more over the past year to create internal and external safety than at any other time in my life. I have finally been able to recognize triggers and take steps to keep myself safe. I recognize my awesome responsibility to my wife and two young children (and to myself and the children within). I do things now that I never would conceive of doing. I let my parts have time to experience what makes them feel comforted. This could be playing piano or writing or drawing or talking. And I take my internal work and therapy much more seriously now. I don't go back to work after therapy. I sit in the safe library for a few hours before therapy to write and draw and to figure out where all of me is at.

All of this change has come quite quickly for me. And this is what I want to tell all you MV readers. Only recently did I find a new therapist who was able to work with me in a very different way. This therapist works with all of me and she uses a range of methods, from talk to drawing to music. It's not been easy. The commitment is huge! But I now know everything is about safety. I finally found a safe place inside, after many years of being "told" to do so. Last September, I experienced an incredible state of consciousness, not unlike I suppose what people hope to achieve through meditation or yoga. I saw and experienced the infinite nature of the universe and my whole being was bathed for several weeks in a rich energy. That experience was my awakening. A gift, I said, for all the hard effort I had made and for the way in which I shifted my healing focus. I have not stayed at that place, but have achieved glimpses of it since. I now have something to reach for.

A few weeks ago, in a dream, my inner family took me on a journey to show me their safe place. It is a wonderfully rich place not unlike "Camelot". Now when I meditate with myself, in a safe place, I can close my eyes and go back to this place and stand alongside my parts who have finally let me in. Sometimes I do it by being quiet. Sometimes soothing music helps me get there. This is not, by any means, the end of my journey. In fact, in many ways, it's only the beginning. My parts inside are finally trusting me enough to share. We are beginning to gain a sense of family. Even darker parts that I have wished away many times are being accepted and accepting others in return.

It can be remarkably healing to accept your inner structure. But you cannot just stop there. You have to accept and make an effort to change. Only then can you experience healing.

Many Voices has been a reality check for me over the years. I have read about survivors who have immense struggles. And survivors who have integrated. Sometimes I cannot understand what I read. And often I say "These people aren't me!" But I am here to say that you are me! You are my sisters and brothers. I, like many of you, have suffered inexplicable childhood trauma. Denying is such a barrier. And today I am not ashamed to even say I have parts inside.

I also want Many Voices readers to know that, if you haven't already, you can find a path to healing. My awakening experiences were gifts that come with a responsibility. I am here to tell you that there is a safe place. You can find it. Trust yourself, work hard, and open your heart. It's right in front of you and it's incredible.

The drawing above represents my internal safe place. The striations represent energy flow from right to left and show how the safe place deflects everything and keeps the inside protected.

Epilogue

Shortly after I wrote this contribution, I had to go inpatient for nearly two weeks.  My hospitalization was extremely difficult for me as I began to come to terms with the body memories and the pain.  The words I had written above finally sunk in and I realized that sometimes you need to ask for help.  Sometimes the pain is too much and you need pain medication in order to just keep going.  But above all, I came to fully accept that the abuse I suffered has had a major impact on me and I sustained a major life threatening injury.  My work is about healing from that massive injury, by keeping me safe, my parts inside me safe, and those loved ones around me safe.   Then quite suddenly, I began to grieve for the first time ever.  My therapist said this is "monumental".   I now am truly healing.