January 30, 2016
I took Mind Parts offline for over two years due to fear.
I am not afraid anymore.
I have arrived. I'm not sure if I'm at the end or the beginning. I suppose that's a philosophical question. What I do know is that I am in a new place. I know who I am. It is a relief to be able to say that in the space I carved out for myself that helped me through my darkest days.
While the blog is still not back online, I decided today to begin the process of thinking about what my voice will be.
Writing Mind Parts, for over five years beginning in 2009 with over 200 posts, has been such a positive force in my healing journey. I have worked hard for many years to put the pieces of me back together, to rebuild what had been broken for so long, to undo the damage caused by those who abused me, and to create a personal strength and power so that no one can abuse me again.
This was where I told my story and reframed how I viewed myself. It helped me learn to be more accountable. It helped me take a step back from the day-to-day chaos and look at the bigger picture of my life. It helped provide a container for my emotional roller-coaster, my internal and external conflicts. It helped by connecting me to a blogger community that was caring and understanding and walking similar journeys; a community outside of a therapist's office or the comfort of my own private journal. This blog, and the community, taught me how healing it was to take the huge risk to be vulnerable in a semi-public way. To everyone who read what I wrote, who engaged in supportive conversations, I can only say thank you.
Like all of us, I am still on my life's journey. There have been so many changes since I last wrote here. I am not at all where I was a few years ago. There have been so many losses and pain but also so many gains. The truths I have come to are many. True healing is not being satisfied with the status quo. True healing means making the decision to not walk down the path of "impossible", that is just a path to insanity. True healing means taking huge risks to change my life. True healing means knowing I can do better. True healing means I deserve to love and be loved. True healing means knowing I am worthy. True healing means doing what it takes to be and feel safe. True healing means accepting what I cannot change in others and sometimes letting go.
True healing means not ever really being stuck in a hole, for I have gained greater depth of resiliency. It means I can get knocked down and get right back up, not stumble or fall back, but really just get right back up and get back to my journey. True healing means being excited about my future. True healing means being comfortable with who I am, always trying to do better, and knowing that I will be comfortable with where my journey will take me and who I will become.
I really don't know where to go from here. Today I decided I was never going to be afraid of my past. Other than that, I didn't have any grand plans. What I do know is that I have more to say.
I have arrived, but I am also just beginning.
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