However, today, my hopes are quickly waning.

I think I need help. More help than I am getting. I think I am in trouble.

When I write about out of control dissociation, I often talk about contradictions. Good, safe experiences often exist alongside scary, unsafe experiences. So, I can be tending to my gardens and playing piano one moment. And find myself getting horribly hurt in another moment. Since both types of experiences are not separated by much real-life time, I am left utterly confused, shattered, and broken.

Yes, I hurt myself. I know for sure I hurt myself last night and I have some small memory of the day before that and almost no memory of therapy on Tuesday.

I have talked before about how common it is for survivors of child sexual abuse to recreate the abuse in the present. I struggle in my understanding of that. In some way, I see it as an attempt at control. In another way, I see it as confirming perception of self-worth. In still another, I see it simply as not being grounded enough in the present so that old coping is more apt to be called upon. It is difficult to put the pieces together, because all can be true. I do know that last night was very dangerous and not compatible with the life I lead and the ideals I aspire to.

I also know that over the last few days I have been very erratic. I have been losing lots of time. My emotions have been all over the place. I have been picking fights one minute and being incredibly patient and kind the next. I have not seen the red flags, or saw them and simply blew past them and did nothing.

I am well aware that getting hurt does not solve anything in 2010. And my new awareness makes recovery from self-harm difficult. In the past, self-harm events (or self-harm coping) would easily be forgotten because there was not much permeability between parts of myself. Now, this is not the case. Today, I am besieged by flashbacks, pain, panic, and a sense of being totally broken.

Denial adds another layer of difficulty. Even though there has been a lot of lost time, there is a good deal of permeability between dissociated parts of my mind. That leads me to a place of not accepting parts. Of thinking it is all made up. That it is simply a convenient excuse to explain erratic behavior. I say I am a fraud. This leaves me even more confused. Because while I can understand the logic, I know it is some kind of internal ruse.

So, I am left holding the pieces and do not know how to put them back together. I am left knowing that I brought this on myself. How do I accept that? Everything is out of control.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/09/out-of-control.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/09/out-of-control.html Dissociation Self-Harm Thu, 09 Sep 2010 13:42:00 -0500 Welcome to Activity No. 4 of the Expressive Arts Carnival. Thank you to all who participate and welcome if you are new!

Submissions are due by September 22, 2010. All submissions must be made by e-mail. Please send me two image files (one for each drawing or painting) with a width for each greater than or equal to 1280 pixels (note the new size requirement is due to the full screen slideshow presentations we now can do). Please also send some explanatory text and indicate which image was before and which was after the breathing. I will figure out how to present them. I may merge the art or show them separately.

You may also wish to send me a link to a page hosted on your own site (or blog), if you have one. It is important to repeat that nobody is required to have a blog in order to participate.

The Carnival will be published on the afternoon of September 23, 2010.

To submit, e-mail to: paul@mindparts.org.

Please use "EXPRESSIVE ARTS" in the subject heading to help me keep track of submissions. Every submission will receive an acknowledgement of receipt. If you don't receive one within a day or so, then please follow up with me.

If you have questions or need clarifications, direct them to me by e-mail or ask in the comments here.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/09/arts-activity-04.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/09/arts-activity-04.html Expressive Arts Carnival Activities Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:51:05 -0500

Last week was our family vacation to the beach. I had mixed feelings about going. One of the reasons was that I had been "off the healing track" for months and felt like I was just getting things back on track in the couple weeks leading up to the trip. I did not want to upset that. Another, is that these days I find it almost impossible to sleep away from home without huge difficulties. But, I also saw the trip as an opportunity to have well-deserved together time with my wife and girls away from the daily routine.

The trip was precisely the mixed bag I had anticipated. Every night I had nightmares or very weird dreams (something I had not experienced for a long time). My Healing Guide (therapist) was, for the most part, "out of sight, out of mind." And I flirted with what I guess was denial, wondering what I could possibly have to heal from or why it wasn't over with already? That was not really a bad thing. We all need a vacation from work or from our troubles. During the days, I was quite engaged with the family and had virtually zero difficulties. We played paddleball on the beach, made sand castles, got a tan, played harmonica, and cooked lobster. So, by any measure, it was a success.

When I came home, though, the vacation meant almost nothing. The experience was lost. Even though I have the pictures, they very much have a "newspaper" feel to them.

Then, yesterday, I realized that I was in "robot mode." I was not really connected internally in any meaningful way. I was "off the track," which was something I wanted to avoid. I know that is not good. It puts me at risk. It means that I am more vulnerable to triggers. I am more apt to deal with things in a more fragmented way. My safety becomes jeopardized.

Funny how that happens, huh? Vacations are meant to recharge you so you can resume life with renewed vigor. That like never happens for me! I know this is not the first time dealing with this vacation issue. In June, I wrote Is This a Vacation or Allowing? where I thought I was taking what I thought was a "healthy" internal vacation, but it was not good for me. Last October, after being completely functional while my wife went away on her own vacation, I had a huge collapse that I wrote about in The Boat is Sinking or Is There Even a Boat?

Maybe part of the problem, if you want to call it that, is that we came back from vacation to some big changes. This week is the unofficial start to Fall. And I recently discovered I have an aversion to seasonal changes. The kids started school today. And work officially "ramps up" now for me, as I am on an academic calendar.

I know I have to find my equilibrium. I just get so disoriented so easily it seems. I will try to take it easy on myself. I will try to shift things away from fragmentation. I will try to get on the track again. I know the types of things that I can do to help. They entail checking-in internally, journaling, not throwing myself completely into work.

It is all about balance you know. Of course, those of us who dissociate, know that balance is difficult to achieve. I usually say it is difficult because we are trying to do it while riding a unicycle on a tightrope, backwards, blindfolded, chewing gum, in hundred mile hour winds. But the funny thing is that we can actually do it!]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/vacation-and-changes.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/vacation-and-changes.html Dissociation Dreams Family Healing Tue, 31 Aug 2010 11:02:00 -0500 Welcome to the August 2010 edition of the Expressive Arts Carnival. This month's theme, see announcement, was to "choose two (and only two) colors and make a painting that represents where you have been mentally for the past week or so."

For the more traditional view, here are the entries in the order they were received.

Entry 1: Ivory

Ivory titled this piece "Feeling Lost" and wrote: "I am feeling extremely lost and overwhelmed."

Entry 2: Clinically Clueless

Clinically Clueless wrote: "I used my non-dominant hand. This exercise came at a good time as I am working through some of these issues and feelings in therapy now.  During one of the sessions, I said that I feel like coloring.  The colors are a bit washed out.  The colors are a red-orange and purple-blue."

Entry 3: Castorgirl

Castorgirl wrote that this piece is a "representation of how we've felt over the last few weeks as well... scared, frightened, isolated, overwhelmed, hopeless and beyond help."

Entry 4: Inner Family

Inner Family wrote: "There's been more focus lately on the system working as a united whole, even if we never fully integrate. We are our own light, a ball of light, though we have raw wounds, angry red welts of pain and memory. The beliefs we still struggle with, beliefs about our self-worth and the world around us, are a prison. Still, we continue to heal, to let our light shine through."

Entry 5: Jahda

Jahda titled this piece: "2+2≠5".

Entry 6: Shen

Shen wrote: "In another week, this project would have turned out quite differently. Having spent two and half weeks with my family of origin gathered around my house, this piece seems to express how I was feeling by the end of that time. I had only one meltdown during the entire 17 days, which is remarkable and a huge improvement over any time in the past. However, inside it was a barely controlled chaos, most of the time. I was just 'getting through it' by holding myself in the protective custody of my most spiritual self."

Entry 7: Paul

I wrote: "This is the anatomy of a crash. I have been doing so well and felt "on track" for the past week, then all of a sudden, the bottom fell out. The image is a representational timeline of the past week."

Entry 8: Katie

Katie titled this piece "Stinking Thinking" and wrote: "What I discovered lately is that I've been feeling trapped because I've closed myself up into a tiny box of my own narrow expectations, too much pressure I put on myself, and lack of needed expression and connection to those around me."

Entry 9: Kerro

Kerro wrote: "I started with blue and yellow drops of paint, and I worked with them until they merged in a pattern and colour that said something about my week." So, she kept in the guidelines, by using only two colors, and merging them!!

That's all folks! Thanks to all those who contributed. If you think this Carnival is worthwhile, then let others know about it and we can continue to increase the contributors for future months.

Too scared to love
To believe, to soar
Afraid to find out
What's behind the locked door

Alone in the dark
Being called from outside
Hearing the footsteps
There's no place to hide

Living with memories
Of many long years
Longing to breathe
Without drowning in tears

Not all of the demons
Are locked up in hell
I carry some with me
They know me so well

I try to be strong
To outgrow the past
Feeling the pain
How long will it last?

This was written in the early 1990s. I don't have much of a memory of it, but found it saved in some old files. I think it's relevant today because I have walked through much of what is discussed in the poem. There is so much that is still so hard, but I'm not "locked up" anymore, even though it often will feel that way. The question at the end screams out at me: "How long will it last?" I think in many ways it will last forever.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/footsteps.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/footsteps.html Poetry Tue, 17 Aug 2010 14:04:00 -0500

I have been quite an active photographer since the 90s and discussed some of my relationship with photography in Photojournalism as Psychologically Aware Seeing. Around that time, I began wanting to explore abstract photography.

Well, yesterday was my first attempt. Summer has brought many colors to my gardens and I wanted to try a simple technique to see what I could get. The idea I had was to use the camera as a paint brush. When we paint we "load" the brush up and our stroke applies the paint. With the brush, we cover a distance over a period of time.

Generally when we make a photograph, we do not move the camera. The idea is to capture a scene in focus and frozen in time. But we can accomplish a "brushing" effect by leaving the camera shutter open and moving the camera over the course of the exposure.

For my work yesterday, I experimented with different long shutter speeds from 2 to 1/15 seconds. Since you are moving the camera, focus means very little, so I just put the camera on a very small aperture (in this case f/16) and tried different ways to pan the camera (or in art terms, apply a brush stroke).

I did not do any of this which much feeling. It was mainly a technical exercise. But it is interesting what I chose to work with. I focused on two bright colors in my garden. The first set of images I made were with large green hydrangea leaves, which is one of my favorite plants.

My second set was with canna flowers. These have important personal significance for me because they are flowers that my family has cultivated in our gardens for three generations. This was the first year in a long time I was able to introduce them to my summer garden. This is the particular flower I was working with for the abstract image at the top.

Of the 100 images I made, the above image was the one that had the most interest for me. The image was made at 200mm with a half second exposure and a gentle pan of the lens.

I hope you enjoy it. You can click on the images for high resolution versions.

You can see all the photography images I have used on Mind Parts by visiting my Photography Gallery.

Also, a reminder that submissions to the Expressive Arts Carnival No. 3 are due in a week on August 19.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/camera-painting.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/camera-painting.html Photography Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:49:00 -0500 In Trauma and Sexuality, I wrote about sexual healing being a taboo subject in both the literature and in therapy. Nobody wants to talk about it. Yet it is one of the main areas where childhood sex abuse victims were damaged. It is my contention that since the problem is not addressed directly in the literature and in therapy, we discuss the issues tied to sex in an unconsciously masked kind of way. We can talk about being hurt sexually and what was done to us (and think we are talking about sex directly). About being suicidal. Depressed. Triggered. Switchy. And on and on.

But, while all important, these are symptoms of what is a core issue in the present. What is our relationship right now to sex? How is sex in the present dysfunctional? How is sex in the present hurting us? Helping us? Recreating? Overcoming? And how do all these questions about the present relate to the past?

I understand, I think, the essential barriers to talking about sex, even in the "safe" confines of the therapy office. For those of us sexually abused as children, our lives were generally focused on hiding the fact that we were being hurt in that specific a way. It should not be hard to appreciate that this is fertile ground for creating shame and guilt; stains on our soul which stay with us through adulthood and whose purpose seems to be only to deny us from seeking healing (or even thinking we are worthy enough to heal).

Not to mention those of us who were sexually abused were generally taught (we call them "rules") to behave a certain way in dealing with sex, through a number of manipulative means. As with any kind of learning, neuronal circuits are formed. Sex abuse ties in with reward, pleasure and fear circuits in the brain moderated by powerful neurotransmitters like dopamine. Literally, there is an imprint on our brains. These imprints are terribly difficult to heal from. But we can heal from them if we deal with them directly instead of dancing around the perimeter.

I contend that the first step in sexual healing is acknowledging the original sexual injury. The second step is being able to break down some of the guilt and shame barriers to talking about the subject. But there is more.

Obviously, each of us were affected in different ways sexually. Some of us become hyposexual and just run away from sex. Some of us become hypersexual. Neither of these extremes is necessarily bad as long as you are comfortable in them. But many are not comfortable with who they are sexually and simply do not know who they are sexually.

To further complicate matters, some of us use sex to recreate abuses, whether it be through fantasy or in real-life, though I do believe there is a marked difference between the two. In the literature, re-enactment (generally referred to as real-life) is a more commonly discussed sexual outcome. In these situations, we are continuing the cycle of abuse by placing ourselves in harmful psychological or physical situations (and, yes, even if in fantasy).

It can be understood in terms of neuronal imprints and in terms of being a way to manage overwhelming feelings. I believe it is probably likely that the degree of sexual re-enactment is correlated with degree of dissociation. With dissociative identities, parts were created for specific purposes and roles which are harder to move out of. Further, it is easier to realize how sex re-enactment solves certain problems (like being able to tolerate overwhelming feelings of "parts" of us) while isolating other parts of us (who are traumatized by the present-day behavior).

Those are explanations and not excuses. Since, in most cases, the original abuse is not happening anymore, we are responsible for our behavior. In this case, I think it is most aptly labeled as self-abuse behavior.

When one is able to label one's own re-enacting sex as self-abuse, then the third, perhaps the most important, step in beginning to achieve sexual healing is reached. We can achieve this only when we realize that the "positive" effects of recreating sex are dwarfed by the negative effects. And this takes a good deal of self-awareness and brutal internal honesty.

If we keep these three steps in mind—acknowledging original injury, overcoming guilt and shame, and labeling re-enactment as self-abuse—then we are making a great effort to heal. The prognosis, I think, is good.

While sexual healing may seem daunting, the good news is that once you have achieved all three steps, there is no going back. Yes, there are "setbacks", but once you gain awareness, you cannot lose it, you can only temporarily misplace it.

A huge disclaimer here goes without saying: I am not an expert. This post is based on my personal experiences and interactions with other survivors over the past 20 years. It is not meant to be a comprehensive, or even necessarily scalable view on the sexual effects of abuse. I think there is a good chance it may be quite scalable. But I do not pretend to assert that as fact.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/sex-injury-past-and-present.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/sex-injury-past-and-present.html Dissociation Healing Self-Harm Sex Tue, 10 Aug 2010 13:16:00 -0500

For last month's Expressive Arts Carnival, I had a few choices for what I was going to submit. Experiences shift so quickly. One minute I felt whole. Another I felt fragmented.

The above was the image I was going to submit. This is the normal way to represent my internal experience. Through shapes and colors which overlap in layers, sometimes blocking out any clear picture of what's really going on.

The other image I was going to submit was the unedited "Empty Chairs" photograph. The message here was alone and empty and separate. But it also held promise for what was to come (this was taken before a graduation ceremony). There is also strict order in the image.

Right before I submitted this image, I decided it needed to also portray the experience of being fragmented. So, the image was taken into Photoshop, cut up, and arranged in a more or less random pattern.

Here is the "Empty Chairs" photograph as seen by the camera (shot at f/3.2). The focus is on the section of chairs in the background which was where the boys sat separate from the girls.

]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/another-internal-world.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/another-internal-world.html Art Therapy Photography Thu, 05 Aug 2010 17:59:00 -0500 Welcome to Activity No. 3 of the Expressive Arts Carnival.

Activity: On a white or black background, choose two (and only two) colors and make a painting that represents where you have been mentally for the past week or so. Feel free to use digital (e.g., Photoshop, electronic painting program) or analog techniques (e.g., paint, watercolor, colored pencils, markers).

Submissions are due by August 19, 2010. All submissions must be made by e-mail. You can send me an image file preferably with a width greater than or equal to 550 pixels (with or without explanatory text). Or send me a link to a post hosted on your own site (or blog), if you have one. It is important to repeat that nobody is required to have a blog in order to participate. Submissions may be of current or prior work, but all are encouraged to say some words about your process. The Carnival will be published on the afternoon of August 20, 2010.

To submit, e-mail to: paul@mindparts.org.

Please use "EXPRESSIVE ARTS" in the subject heading to help me keep track of submissions. Every submission will receive an acknowledgement of receipt.

The Expressive Arts Carnival posts monthly activities and encourages submissions which will be published on Mind Parts. For more information, see: Expressive Arts Carnival Home.

If you have questions, direct them to me by e-mail or ask in the comments here.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/arts-activity-03.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/08/arts-activity-03.html Expressive Arts Carnival Activities Tue, 03 Aug 2010 07:02:56 -0500 How society views child abuse has changed dramatically over the years. In the 70s and before, there was nearly complete denial, a virtual "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. In the 80s, reports of abuse shot up in frequency, the pendulum swung in the other direction and survivors were often validated. In the 90s, there was an appreciation that memories are malleable and some cases called into question the whole abuse "movement." Survivors, as well as the mental health community, were put on the defensive. Consequently, it was unpopular to be a survivor in the 90s.

In the past decade, we have reached a sort of middle ground. While a final destination has not been achieved, there is momentum. In which direction are we moving? Are we moving in a direction that tends to help or hurt children? What about survivors? I think these are questions whose answers are outstanding.

The pessimistic view is that while children are technically protected by a slew of laws and safeguards, things may not really be that different now. Only time will tell, of course.

Yes, children are taught about safety in school. There is mandatory reporting. On the whole, those are good. But I do believe that one of the consequences of mandatory reporting is that child protection agencies are overworked and understaffed. As a result, judgment calls need to be made, and who falls through the cracks? Like many well meaning responses, we may not be giving the effort enough of a priority.

Another contributor, which effects survivors negatively, is that I believe collective societal denial is still as strong as ever. In my own hometown in 2007, as an example, there was a public case of child sexual abuse at a gymnastics school. Many young women came forward telling of abuse from a decade or more ago; their stories were consistent. There was also a visual confirmation of physical abuse in the present day. When the case hit the press, the reaction from many (but certainly not all) of the gym parents was: "Not true. They are lying. He's such a nice guy. It's all misinterpreted and taken out of context." What was most distressing was that the ones who were closest to the situation were most in denial!

For me, this was a tipping point in my healing journey. I suddenly broke my silence and spoke up publicly. I came out of the shadows. And learned that to heal you cannot be in the shadows. I learned that to heal, you have to validate your own experiences, else you will be continually seduced by denial.

I was not an activist. I simply wrote a letter in our local paper, stood up for the victims and said that I understood the pain that comes from child abuse. And I was not as shy to bring up the scandal when I talked in public. For this, I got a whole spectrum of responses from hate mail to support.

I learned that there are basically two sets of people when it comes to child abuse. One with their eyes open and one with their eyes closed. For me, this helped me appreciate why we are at a crossroads now in our society.

We can only hope that more and more people are having their eyes opened. That the momentum is in the direction of increasing protection of children. And further, for those who are not protected, that the barriers to healing are not as high.

We can do our part, too. I am not narcissistic enough to think that my speaking up here will change the world. But I do believe that the more of us there are speaking the truth in whatever way we are most comfortable, the more we can help push things in the right direction.

When we keep our eyes open, when we seek healing, when we validate our experiences and the effects of our experiences, then we are unquestionably making a positive difference.

This post was partly written in response to the discussions in a recent post titled Pediatric Symptom Checklist.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/societal-denial-and-our-role.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/societal-denial-and-our-role.html Healing Mon, 26 Jul 2010 11:45:00 -0500 Welcome to the July 2010 edition of the Expressive Arts Carnival. This month's theme, see the announcement, was to "use any visual means (e.g., drawing, painting, photography) to represent, in an abstract way, your experience of all or part of your internal world."

Entry 1: Clinically Clueless

Clinically Clueless wrote: These are my fingerpaintings that I did a several years ago when I did not have words to describe what was going on inside. The second painting reminds me of a hurricane and I think "Eye of the Storm." I'm in the eye where it is calm and I can just be which means a tremendous amount of sadness and hopelessness surrounded by constantly moving pain, emptiness and terror.

Entry 2: Katie from Sharing our Spaces

Katie wrote: I felt intimidated by this exercise at first. But I really enjoyed it once I got going.

Entry 3: Ivory

Ivory wrote: I chose this one because many times, I feel I'm not exactly conscious or not exactly seen as if there is a thick dark cloud all around me, keeping me from being seen. There is so much more to me than anyone ever gets to see and I'm often judged unfairly because of it. I'm here, but no one can see me.

Entry 4: Kerro

Kerro wrote: To me this represents my eternal quest for balance - balance between the light and the dark; the good and the bad; the emotional, physical and spiritual. I haven't got there (yet) but I keep trying. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to get there. It's a never ending struggle, each competing with the other for prominence. The lightness tries to spread its wings and counter the darkness, but the darkness is always there, lying in wait, sneaking up on me and my light side to grab me just when I don't need it to. The use of black and white is no coincidence. My internal world is very black and white; there's no colour at all. I'm trying to counter my black and white thinking but the internal world is still monochrome.

Entry 5: Inner Family

Inner Family wrote: We have a special room inside we call the library. It's quite possibly a cliché, but it's ours. A brightly-lit fireplace, always burning as if it's the spark to our soul, flanked by floor-to-ceiling bookcases. Knowledge is power. Above the fireplace, a view of much of the rest of inside: hallways leading to our individual rooms, where we can close the door to the world. Yet we are never really alone. Always there are those inside who watch and wait. And alone, in the spotlight, the child we were, the innocence we lost. Despite the warmth of the fire, the lure of retreat and sweet oblivion, there is pain. A bloody hand print, evoking a sudden gasp, a gut-clenching aversion that leaves its stamp on our reality. To survive, we had to rally together, the inner family.

Entry 6: OneSurvivor

OneSurvivor wrote: This is a symbol/picture of my system. Petals on a flower. It is possible that there is a significance to the number of petals, but I am not going to get into that here.

Entry 7: Shen

Shen wrote: To me, each door represents a part, inside. Some are open and some are closed. The rainbow door on the front is the one I think of as me, most of the time. It is the face I show the world.

Entry 8: Castorgirl

Castorgirl wrote: Shadows... The lower left corner represents areas which are in total darkness, while the upper right corner represents areas which are flooded with light. These two extremes are linked by varying degrees of shadow intensity.

Entry 9: Stacy

Stacy wrote: I've never looked inside.

Entry 10: Paul

I wrote: When I don't have access to what is going on internally, it feels like this. Just empty and all broken up.

Entry 11: Jahda

I selected a frame from a video Jahda submitted (not her own). You can see the video at Broken Mirror by David Maroto.

That's all folks! Thanks to all those who contributed. If you think this Carnival is worthwhile, then let others know about it and we can continue to increase the submissions for future months.

The Expressive Arts Carnival was founded to to bring survivors together through expressive arts activities. On the Carnival's home page you can find links to all activity announcements and Carnival publications. Activities are posted on the first of every month and submissions are open for approximately 3 weeks. The Carnival will be posted shortly after submissions are closed. ]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/arts-02.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/arts-02.html Expressive Arts Carnival Wed, 21 Jul 2010 22:17:00 -0500 Yesterday my daughters both had their annual pediatric physicals. Before the appointment, in the waiting room, we had to fill out a "Pediatric Symptom Checklist," see link below, developed at Massachusetts General Hospital.

Of course, I was heartened to see it. It is a screen aimed at recognizing cognitive, emotional and behavioral problems. There are 35 questions and parents are asked to complete the survey with the child and answer "Never", "Sometimes" or "Often" to each, scored 0, 1 and 2, respectively.

I was particularly struck by item 7 which asks "Acts as if driven by a motor." I immediately saw that as code for "dissociative" and was glad to see that there is at least some screening in this area. I felt a twinge of validation.

What I was not at all happy with was that the questionnaire asked nothing about abusive situations. Zero! I wondered how a comprehensive assessment of child emotional health would fail to inquire about experiences which can inflict maximum psychological harm.

I wondered if such questions were not being asked because they would perhaps offend parents, both abusive and non-abusive ones.

I then had a bizarre thought. While it would probably irritate my wife and I personally, I would think it would be far better to have the questionnaire filled out with someone from the medical staff.

Think about the power that abusive parents have over children. And then you wonder when abusive parents are filling out the questionnaire with their children what meaning any of it has at all.

In that case, the screen would be a complete failure.

See Pediatric Symptom Checklist.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/pediatric-symptom-checklist.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/pediatric-symptom-checklist.html Parenting Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:55:05 -0500

In Part I, we looked at ten iPhone/iPod Touch essential Apps for healing. In this Part II, we look at an additional ten. They are arguably no less important than the ones listed previously. Just different.

11. Boost 3D. In Part 1, I introduced a couple of grounding games, Peggle and Bookworm. I find those to be most helpful when I am very dissociated and need to engage in something that is not at all taxing. A step or two (or more) is the arcade-style Boost 3D, shown in the image above. It is a 3D tunnel obstacle course that is absolutely mind bending. My personal best is 2100, and after you get past 800, you enter into the "zone" and if you are having any other troubles, this game will surely take you away from them for a time. There are a couple of other notable arcade-style games I want to mention. Doodle Jump brings back a "Frogger-like" obstacle course that is downright nerve-wracking. Homerun Battle places you at home plate and your task is to hit the ball out of the park, and allows you to pit your skills against anyone on the Internet. All three of these games use the built-in "accelerometer" capabilities of the iPhone, iPod Touch, and iPad.

12. Labyrinth 2. If your taste is more on the intellectual side, puzzle games may interest you. Labyrinth 2 is a new twist on the old wooden "ball-in-hole" game. The goal is still the same: get the ball in the hole. But the twise is that there are fascinating obstacles added and an endless series of levels. For more puzzle-type games, check out Cross Fingers, a pure puzzle game. Also, Finger Physics challenges you to build interesting structures while obeying the laws of physics.

13. Facebook. No "top list" would be complete without the Facebook App. Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not a huge Facebook fan. But there are times when it's nice to catch up on what your friends are up to. It's a bit of a time waster.

14. Pranayama. If you are aware that your breathing is tied to level of relaxation and you have trouble in that area, then this is a good App. You can select from different breathing patterns, timings, and lengths and follow along with the realistic representation of a person.

15. Yoga in Bed. This is a guided yoga practice that you can do in your bed. I like it because it's geared towards people who do not need to do much physical activity to gain benefit from it. The fact that it's in your bed, makes it very easy to do.

16. Relax with Andrew Johnson. This is a guided relaxation App narrated by Andrew Johnson who has a calming Scottish accent. You can customize the guide by deciding on a sort of long introduction and the length. Another notable relaxation App is Pzizz sleep. This is a little more customizable and variable, but I don't like it as much. It allows you to mix the levels of the music versus the vocals. Both of these I find secondary to Joy of Being which I discussed previously.

17. Inkling. This is a great drawing App. Very simple as it only draws in "ink" color. You simply move your finger slowly for fine lines and the faster you move, the wider the lines. Such a simple concept, but you can do so much with it. And because of its simplicity, it's a good one to turn to if you need to ground yourself. Another notable App is Pollock. It has much more flexibility. Also very simple. But allows you to draw in colors, and randomly places "Pollock" like splotches when you draw.

18. FitnessBuilder. This allows you to create simple and elaborate fitness routines from a huge database. Many don't require any equipment. There are several fitness calculators that help you reach your goals as well as a log. Another App that many love is iFitness, which is quite similar and achieves the same results.

19. Pandora and TuneIn Radio. Internet radio has revolutionized, I think, how we listen to music. Pandora and TuneIn Radio are two of the best, although they approach things slightly differently. Pandora allows you to create your custom stations where you select artists or songs (as many as you wish) and the software will search its "music genome" to play songs for you that match the characteristics of what you've chosen. You can then mix your personalized stations to create basically anything you want. TuneIn Radio is a bit more traditional. You still can select genres of music, but you can also tune into broadcasts from actual radio stations. Both are excellent and will open up the musical world to you.

20. Navigon GPS. If you dissociate like I do, then you may often find yourself in the middle of nowhere and not know how to get home. This is where GPS systems come in really handy. I only have experience with Navigon. I think others are similar, most notably TomTom.

Hope you enjoyed the lists.

Reminder that the deadline for submissions to the Expressive Arts Activity No. 2 is tomorrow, July 19. If you are on the fence about whether to submit, I hope you do decide to. ]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/iphone-part2.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/iphone-part2.html Reviews Sun, 18 Jul 2010 16:24:00 -0500

The iPhone is unquestionably the greatest advance in technology I have ever experienced. Yes, I had an Apple in the 80s which defined the personal computer. I worked on mainframe supercomputers with their ability to compute real-time graphics, pretty much all of which you can now do on a capable laptop. I suffered through dialup from home at a time when the pipe dream was that eventually we could stream movies into our bedrooms, which has now happened.

The iPhone (and indeed iPad and to some extent the iPod Touch) are better than all those advances. Maybe that is a little unfair. I mean these new technologies do build on prior technologies. But what you can do with these little "i" devices is just absolutely unparalleled, especially since the technologies are "always on" and "at your fingertips."

I know iPhones, iPod Touches, and iPads are expensive, but they can be invaluable tools for the child abuse survivor. Since I have had my iPhone for the past year and a half, I have turned it into quite the tool for healing. I have downloaded (and paid for) hundreds of Apps. Most of them were horrible. So, I am hoping that my experience can help others in selecting the really good ones.

Here's a list of 10 Apps, plus a few more, that every survivor's iPhone (or iPod Touch) should have on it. Of course, it is nice to have an iPhone because of the constant network access even away from a wireless router. I find this a necessity for me. But it may not be for you. My kids and wife, for example, are plenty happy with their iPod Touches.

1. iPills. Everyone who uses medications on an as needed basis should have a medication logging App. While there are many out there, I have found iPills to be the best for me because it sports the least onerous entry system. I do not use it to log standing medications. As long as you are taking standing medications every day, I find that the time it takes to enter them kind of defeats the purpose of the software. You enter medications in the "My Pills" tab and can change the shape, size and color of the pill. I usually put the strength in the name, like "Klonopin .5mg". And, since I am only tracking PRN usage, I enter "As Needed" for dosing interval and "Any Time" for time of day. What's good about this App, is that it tracks the time taken, but you can still go back and enter data from a previous day if you forgot. Here's how I use this App: At the end of every month, I have the App email me the 30 day history and I log in table format usage of medications. This helps me to keep within usage goals and track trends for things like benzodiazepines and pain medicines.

2. Lifelog. It takes a little while to figure out how to use this App. It is nothing more than a tracking program. It allows you to build custom log "cards" (like diary cards) to track symptoms, feelings, pain, or anything you can rate on a numeric scale. It also does data analysis by showing correlations between variables and displays output numerically or in charts and graphs. I use it in two ways. For one, I use it as a customized "mood and safety monitor." In this card, I use it to track, on a scale of 1-10, acceptance, happiness, anger, fear/anxiety, fatigue, physical pain, dissociation level, and overall safety rating. On another card, I use it as a twice daily check-in with parts, having all the parts listed by name and I go down the list and mindfully check in, selecting all 1s as I go down the list.

3. IM+. I find texting on an iPhone to be absolutely painful. If you have a PC or laptop in front of you, you are much better off choosing one of those. But it is good for quick contact with others, and on the iPad it is actually quite good. IM+ is a do all messaging App that allows access to all the major messaging services like Yahoo! and AOL. This App stands out from some others because it is a universal App (meaning it also works on the iPad). There are other notable messengers. WhatsApp allows messaging between "i" devices only (like iPhone to iPhone or iPod Touch, etc.) through the use of unique identifiers coded to the phone. Also, the built-in iPhone MMS Messaging, which makes use of your cell carrier's messaging services is also a good choice (and probably the most reliable).

4. iPod, Mail, and Safari. Well, let's face it, the iPod revolutionized music delivery when launched in late 2001. It is quite nice to have all your music on your phone. But, I will admit that I prefer a dedicated hardware iPod. Call me old fashioned. Either way, you need music to be accessible. It is one of nature's best medicines. Mail and Safari are also equally dispensable. Technically, while these are all Apps, they are built into the iPhone and iPod Touch. So, I almost did not include it for that reason.

5. WebMD and Epocrates. Do you want to read all the patient information on a particular medication? No problem. WebMD has every possible medication it its database. You can find what the medication is for, what are the possible side effects, and view pill pictures. You can also look up information on diseases and common medication conditions. Equally indispensable is Epocrates (or Medscape). One of them should exist right alongside WebMD. They both contain prescribing information geared towards medical professionals. They also allow you to browse drugs by class, which is particularly helpful.

6. iSSH. I questioned whether to put this on here, because it requires a good deal of technical effort and I may use it in a way that is not common to others. I will probably expand on this as a technical "how to" in a future post. I use iSSH exclusively to enter posts into my private electronic journal. This App is a front end, it allows me to log into one of my computer servers and run a script that does the data entry. The key here is the script. Without the script, the App is pretty much useless. There is one major requirement: you need to have a computer server which you can log into via the ssh protocol. In my follow up post, I will make the case for why you should have your own server and tell you how to do it. Another, similar, App is FTPOnTheGo. It allows me to send images and other data from my iPhone to directories in my private journal. So, for example, I use it to send audio recordings, paintings, etc.

7. Sketchbook Mobile. This is probably the most full-featured drawing App and it is universal. It allows for the creation of up to six layers. It has a huge 1024x682 pixel canvas size. You can save images to the built-in gallery, and export them to your iPhone Photos gallery or email them. I export to the iPhone gallery then use FTPOnTheGo to upload it to my private journal. Then I use another script in iSSH which includes the image in the journal and allows me to enter some descriptive text. Another notable App is Brushes, but I find it a bit more cumbersome to use. In Part II, I will look at additional drawing Apps.

8. Peggle. This is perhaps the most grounding game ever (see image above). When one dissociates wildly, being able to ground is a must. This is where iPhone and iPod Touch games come in very handy. Peggle is the first game I used for this purpose, and is still one of the main ones I goto in a tough situation. The object of the game is simple. You have a ball shooter at the top and the object of the game is to clear all the orange pegs with the 10 balls you have. Simple. Addictive. Grounding. Pop Cap Games, Inc. also has other very worthy games. Perhaps one of the best is Bookworm, which is a scrabble type game. Part II will look at additional games.

9. Ambiance. Do you remember those sound effects records from long ago? Well, Ambiance is a bit of that, but totally awesome! Ambiance connects to a sound repository and allows you to download sound clips and import them into the App. Rain, birds, forests, rushing rivers, you name it, Ambiance has it, and they add more free sounds every week. What makes this App truly wonderful is that you can create your own custom mixes of several sounds and make your very own relaxation sound machine.

10. Joy of Being. This App is "da bomb." There are three beautifully scripted guided meditations, titled River, Forest, and Beach. They are each about 10 minutes long and are focused on positive and healthy grounding which help you to connect with nature and inside. I have talked to the author of this App and I have been told they have scripted additional meditations and are soon going to record them.

I hope you enjoyed this list. I will post Part II by early next week.]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/iphone-part1.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/iphone-part1.html Reviews Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:55:00 -0500 Independence and dependence come with the territory of us as social beings. But as with many of life's properties, they exist in delicate balance. When we are very young, we long for a parent's care. Yet, it is in our biological makeup to seek independence as we grow older. And we all very quickly learn that there really is no such thing as unfettered freedom.

This is why boundaries exist seemingly wherever we look. Oftentimes we are not even aware of them since we are usually taught them from so young. Boundaries are the necessary "checks and balances" we learn if we receive a proper upbringing. The society we live in imposes a set of boundaries we generally must adhere to. Parents are supposed to teach us many of the other necessary boundaries. In doing so, they instill in us a moral compass. They are supposed to model good behavior. They are supposed to teach us how to properly treat others. They are supposed to correct our bad behavior and reward our good behavior.

If parents are smart, and we know many are not, they understand that boundaries are connected to independence when raising children. Being mature adults, they help us navigate these delicate waters by granting us increasing levels of independence while at the same supporting us in areas where we need it most. In this way, they help us develop awareness.

Even in the best of cases this is all hugely difficult. It is not easy for kids and it is not easy for parents. If you are a child that is being abused, the task becomes nearly impossible because the rules of the game are different for the abused child. Boundaries have new meanings. Needs (a measure of dependence) are unmet in various ways and to varying degrees.

I was not abused by my parents, not in the least. Being the oldest child, I was assuredly the most "over-protected." I seemed to be the last person in my neighborhood to be allowed to cross the street alone. My mother was, and still is, perpetually worried about safety and health. I think, for me, that I was somewhat smothered for a long while and was not able to practice the boundaries I was being taught by being granted any measure of independence.

For me, personally, as I was being abused over the course of many years, I was hugely conflicted. I was taught good behavior. But somewhere I must have known that the abuse was not good behavior. Given that much of my abuse happened in the context of religion, there were layers and layers of conflicts. It is no wonder, when you think about it, how parts of a child end up being stuck in the past. Frozen in time. In this way, dissociation makes complete sense.

Everything was conflicting because as I was granted independence, it meant I was more available to be hurt. And part of me longed for dependence and safety. I wanted my parents to save me, yet I could not form the words to say clearly what I was going through. I acted out. But was so dissociated that when asked what was going on, I believed the made up answer I gave them.

I ended up taking the hard route to learning about independence and dependence. In college, I used my independence and freedom from my abuser to act out and lead a somewhat reckless existence. Right out of college I got married. But it was a co-dependent relationship and did not last.

Then came the hard early 90s years. I worked on myself long enough in therapy to understand some of what was going on inside. That budding awareness led to some healthy attachments. When I got married to the mother of my children in 1997, things started to fall into place. When we had children, I somehow learned (I think through osmosis) how to properly raise children and strike the important balance between independence and dependence. I learned that the dependence children most need is emotional. They need parents to listen to them. Really listen.

I am still very much learning boundaries I was supposed to learn long ago. I am still mourning that I did not have aware parents. I am still mourning that I had to be independent in a dysfunctional way. I am still mourning that my needs for dependence were not met.

But the most cherished independence of all is one that we already have: the freedom to heal.

This post was specifically written for the July 2010 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse with this month's theme being "independence."]]> http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/thoughts-on-independence.html http://www.mindparts.org/2010/07/thoughts-on-independence.html Carnival Against Child Abuse Family Healing Personal History Tue, 06 Jul 2010 11:41:00 -0500