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I have been making efforts to reconnect inside, but mostly it feels as though I am swimming upstream against a heavy current. At least what little I have been writing here the last couple months or so about myself has been consistent, see My Self Portrait and Down and Out and Onward and Upward. And so, the cycle continues.

While I have been still struggling with disconnection, I have also been pushing ahead to be functional in my life. I have been meeting work and family obligations, plus removing lots of snow! As I consider why I have not "had a breakdown" and landed in the hospital, I keep concluding that it is because I have been able to stay safe.

Safety seems to be the linchpin. And that is probably as it should be. There is a bit of comfort that comes from the knowledge that if I can keep myself safe, I will be able to forge ahead. It does not mean that in the short term life will be pretty or that I will be happy. It just means I will be able to get by, and hold onto hope that I will be able to eventually do the work I need to do in order to reconnect inside.

I have become painfully aware that being connected inside does not come naturally for me. It requires a good deal of time and effort; more than what I am putting in now. I could complain or moan about it, but I won't. I will accept it. And just work harder.

The video here was made using Google SearchStories. They are super simple to make. This is a snapshot of where I was last week.

If you have not done so already, please see the video post The Burden.

Feel free to add your own commentary to the comments here. I've closed comments on the original post. And, as always, differing opinions and viewpoints are very much welcomed!

My initial reaction was "Wow! I get it!" and instant identification and extreme sadness.

But my next reaction was wondering what the impact might be on people who have not been abused at all. I wondered if only those of us who were abused and damaged in this way would actually "get it". Then I wondered what the person who has been not severely hurt, but had been abused, would think about this. Would they look at this and say "Hey, you're going way to far with this! I was not affected this way and I was abused!"

The goal, obviously, of the advertising is not to reach people like us who are survivors of abuse, were affected in ways depicted in the piece, and who are healing. But if it speaks only to us, then the advertising would most certainly be deemed a failure. Since I cannot see this from any other perspective but my own, I cannot judge its impact on others. Obviously the problem of child sexual abuse is a societal one and awareness needs to be raised in all areas of society for there to be any drastic changes.

To be honest, I don't really worry too much about any of that. I'm concerned, first and foremost, for myself. Because, for me, this piece hits me to the core. Most of us have seen the short film "INSiDE" which focuses on present day impact of abuse through dissociation, specifically dissociative identity disorder. I have seen many movies where kids were abused or hurting or neglected. I can't remember any having such a direct impact on me personally. And I appreciate the fact that "The Burden" makes its point in approximately one minute. I have a short attention span!

What I think the piece does very well, though, is it portrays the fact that there is an outside reality and an inner reality (or "inner child" if you will). I like also that it shows no abuse images whatsoever. This portrays only the child's reality as a child. There's a part that the outside sees, which can be quite normal. And a part that is the inner world of the child, which likely nobody sees. I understand that the long-term effects aren't part of the piece, but then I fear the power would be lessened because it would try to do too many things. I could imagine, actually, a series of follow-up commercials showing each of the long-term impacts of abuse felt in the present which consist of, perhaps, an adult with the child alongside him/her. The commercials could all keep the same theme, perhaps even the same music, but as a campaign, it could make a significant impact. My reference is the Get a Mac ads.

The challenge for me, as someone who struggles mightily with dissociative identity disorder (DID), is to understand the younger parts inside and help them heal. I don't understand them well. I never have. I don't really experience what they experience. So, I rarely get that upset by their plight. This video is a wake up call to me. Not only did it help me to "get it", but it helps me be more committed to helping them.

I do have trouble with the piece saying a part of the child "dies". On one level I can appreciate that statement. On another level, I have a difficult time acknowledging that in myself. Death is a very tricky subject for DID survivors. We tend to think of it differently from others, for a variety of reasons. The impact of severe abuse, though, is not so much parts of us dying, but parts of us being damaged or forever altered. That's the burden! On the other hand, the very heart of DID is the concept of distinct parts of a personality. From my experience, many of those parts remain hidden, sometimes locked away. I would never say that any are "dead". But in many ways they are so hidden away that an objective observer might say they are very close to being "effectively" dead.

Overall, "The Burden" makes me want to reach out to those children inside myself. It's led to a renewal of my determination to heal all of me. And gives me a new perspective on what "all of me" really means. So, the piece helped at least one person. Maybe that's enough to call it a smashing success.

"The Burden" was directed by Nico & Martin and created by advertising group McCann Erickson for a commercial in Italy to raise awareness of child sexual abuse. The version that is on YouTube and readily available online has a rather uninspiring soundtrack. The version I am posting here is on the Casa do Menor site and features a partial recording of the Current 93 song "Soft Black Stars" covered by Antony and the Johnsons. I will record my own cover of this song on piano and publish it over the next couple days as a follow-up to this post.

The end text says: "Bimbi abusati. Una parte di sé che muore per sempre." Translated, this says: "Abused children. A part of him who dies forever." In the English version of the video the closing text says: "Sexual abuse can be a heavy burden for a child." Obviously, those are two very different messages. Both are accurate.

You may also be interested in the lyrics for "Soft Black Stars":

This is the first video I have embedded on this site. I sometimes provide links, but I may do more of this in the future for videos that have significant meaning to me and that I wish to share with others.

Please visit Casa do Menor. A translation of the site explains that it was established in 1986 and consists of schools and homes for abused and street children. It was founded by a Father Renato Chiera; which gives me hope about what a good priest can do for the benefit of society.

Related post: My Commentary on "The Burden"